she is 13 and has issues with two friends that tend to love on her when they want, pay attention to her when they want but basicly they ignore her more then they pay attention to her. she gets rejected a lot like one day they have fun and then the next day, the two girls leave my child behind and don't say where they go and just take off. sometimes my child just sits there and the other two play and hang out and ignore her sitting there. so then she tries to get up........leave and go find other friends and they say, "where you going ? stay here with us...we want you" but in reality it is "stay close so your there but I don't have to pay attention too you" Well my husband and I are tired of her crying and being upset weekly over this. She does stand up for herself, tell them they don't treat her right, go to other friends and such from time to time, but then it starts drama and they think my daughters mad at them and then they cont to treat her disrespectfully and all that. I KNOW IT IS THE AGE ! I get that. She is in some theorpy for this..... helping her build a spine and be strong to not let them walk all over her. But here is my question....
Do we have the right to say ( for this age ) "This friend is doing nothing but hurt you, make you sad, and your on pins and needles daily deciding weather they want you around or not. They are playing games and so there fore you are to not spend time with them outside school if they are going to disrespect you and make you feel bad about yourself........! "
I know we can not control who she picks for friends nor what and who she spends her lunches with but we can encourage it to not be certain kids outside school.....if we think that they are not going to be nice to her. I just am tired with the drama about this issue and it is going on 4 months. I wondered what your thoughts are with this ???? thanks
Of course you have the right to say that, but having gone through that type of stuff when I when I was 13 I know that this she is unlikely to listen to you. This is the kind of wisdom that has to come through experience.
It is awfully hard for kids this age to untangle this truth, but how your daughter thinks about herself is making her available to be treated without regard by her friends. This could eventually translate into how she allows a partner to treat her. Yes, what those friends are doing toward your daughter is not healthy for her, AND she's the one allowing it to happen.
The answer, as you/she have discovered, is NOT to tell the girls they don't treat her right, then move away and expect them not to think she's angry. Of course she's angry; who wouldn't be, except a child (or adult!) who has somehow learned that her own needs and feelings don't have value. But there is a way to simply side-step most of that drama. That is to go on treating them with cheerful friendliness (yes, in spite of the strain), and to do what she needs to meet her own needs.
This takes risk. Those children could take it personally and be mean. But if your daughter is able to just allow them to stomp and whine, if that's what they need to do, while staying friendly and open but continuing to find the happy-making relationships she needs, those tantrums will probably go away. Even if they don't, help your daughter find the internal resources to learn about problem-solving, not being stuck in victimhood. Better she starts learning that now than as an emotionally battered mother teaching her own child.
There's a very good book that might support you in supporting your daughter. Check out the teen version of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk.
I hope you'll keep her clear of a lot of potential drama during the next few years by limiting, or at least overseeing, any social media that she needs. "but names can never hurt me" isn't always true, and the written word on a social site can deeply wound immature people of any age.
At 13, the Mom knows nothing. She will do what she wants and further down the line will figure things out for herself. Part of growing up.
After four months, I would tell her it's up to her if she wants to continue hanging out with them BUT you no longer want to see the tears or hear about the drama. She knows "who" they are and how they treat her. She decides if that's okay or not. If she decides she can take it, then TAKE IT and quit crying. If she decides otherwise, good for her!
Natural consequences. Best she learn now how to pick friends and/or live with the consequences of her decisions.
Well I tried to gently warn my 13 year old about rekindling "friendships" with some girls who hurt her terribly the year prior. She got extremely defensive and told me they were over it. They moved on, and so should I. Then when I finally felt I could let go of past hurts, it happened all over again. Only worse. Much, much worse. They regained her trust only to slam her back down again. I'm not sure what I could have done differently to avoid seeing her go through this. 95% of her contact was at school and through texting and social media. She had to learn the lesson herself, that people don't really change that much from one year to the next. She wanted these friendships to be good so badly, she let her guard down. They do need to figure it out on their own as awful and as hard as it is to watch them go through it. I like GrammaRocks advice a lot about getting her to reflect and come to her own decision. But I wouldn't be allowing her to invite them to your home or out with you if you've witnessed cruel behavior.
As a teen, even a young one, she isn't likely to welcome or heed your advice. You need to take a step back and perhaps encourage HER to mention the friend problem in therapy, if it is important to her.
Talk to her, of course, and tell her from what you and dad have observed, that her friend(s) hurt her and make her sad, stress her out, disrespect her and add to her feelings of self-worth. Ask if that is what she really wants from "friends." When she says, "no," then ask her what she can do about it, allow her to make the decision to cut ties or not. Keep the focus on her, and not how you and dad feel, tell her she deserves better friends.
If she continues to be friends with those who hurt her don't accept the drama, she is right at the age to learn SHE has to protect herself. When she cries and complains, tell her you love her and are sorry she's unhappy, but that she has to deal with their treatment if she wants to be friends with them, you don't want to listen to it. (It's a fine line and hard to do, you want what's best for her, but she has to see it on her own.) If you feel you must listen she'll continue to do the same thing, over and over, and never learn.
As a mama bear we want to protect our cubs always, but they have to deal with life on their own and make wise choices at some point to grow into healthy adults. Out of school you can say "no" to contact with these "friends," in school she needs to face them on her terms, in the way she chooses.
Yes, you should talk to her and give her advice about this. You will need to role play with her, so that she has the strength to do it. Actually act it out with her, so that she hears herself making strong statements, and knows the words to use.
I was like your daughter, and I would have loved for someone to have shown me how to stand up for myself.
As the mom of two (very different) teen girls, ages 13 and 17, I have learned that yes, it's okay for YOU to say who you will and will not allow to come over, and keep giving your reasons, because you still have control over who comes into your home.
But like you said, you can't control what goes on at school and lunch so she's on her own there.
And if she chooses to accept invites to parties, sleepovers, etc. with these girls, let her go. She's learning some hard lessons, but it's actually good for her to have the power of choice, because it puts HER in control.
I know it's hard, and often annoying, to listen to the suffering, whining and drama, but it's all part of the process of growing up.
Yes, you can open a dialogue with her that includes what friendship is, what she thinks it is, and if her friendships fall within those definitions.
Yes, you can encourage her to find other venues - other places to make friends - other girls to hang out with.
We all need to guide our children. This, "let them figure it out on their own" theory just does not work - if they had the skills to figure it our on their own, they would not have these conflicts in their lives. And while these types of conflicts are, I think, part of the natural growth process, if we do not help them navigate them, we are not doing our part as parents.
So, by all means, do be involved. Do encourage her to spend time with people who appreciate her and treat her with kindness. Do continue her in therapy so she can build the tools she needs to resist the mean girls.
Hugs to her.
You do need to have very open lines of communication with her. Do you and she easily talk about these kinds of things? Does she come to you with her feelings and fears, or does she hide them from you? Be sure you have time every day when you're just available to her. Time in the car, when you're driving her places, is especially good for kids to open up -- you are not sitting there facing them, they are not at home where they can hide out in their rooms, and they sometimes loosen up more in the car if you are good at asking some leading questions.
But I would not outright forbid her to see these kids. That makes these "friends" into forbidden fruit that seems all the sweeter. She will get defensive and could possibly sneak to see them. She'll tell them you said she can't be friends with them, and that could make them behave more affectionately toward her, just to spite an adult. I would not forbid the friendships.
Yet you can steer her in other directions. Does she have any activities outside school? Sports, dance, art, theatre, volunteering, writing, Girl Scouts, anything? If she does already, and these two girls are NOT part of that activity, think about suggesting she have a small party (movie and pizza night, that's all) with girls from the activity. Or arrange with another parent of a kid she likes in her activity for you to "give a ride home" to the friend and just happen to stop by the arcade or the ice cream shop (and leave them alone as much as you can, as their chaperone). Get the idea? If these two troublesome girls are friends from school or the neighborhood, help your child see -- without saying it outright -- that she does have other friends who share her interests. A friendship based on interests and activities is a more mature friendship than one based on just being in the same class or sitting together at lunch since fifth grade or being neighbors.
If your daughter is too busy to hang out with these kids (what are they doing when they hang out, anyway? Just hanging out? Being occupied can prevent some drama), she will gradually lose interest in them. If she does not have any interest-based activities outside school-- she truly needs some. Kids these days have a ton of options through city or county parks and recreation departments; after-school clubs and classes (be sure her "friends" don't attach themselves to her and decide they all must do the same thing together); scouting (which has more activities as girls get older -- she may be surprised at the things older scouts get to do); outdoor clubs; and more.
I think that for the most part, it would be better for her to work this out. However, she's in therapy and even THAT hasn't helped.
I wouldn't normally say this, but I think maybe changing things up for a time might be in order here. No more hanging with these girls. Put your foot down for outside of school and tell her that she can't see them anymore. Tell her that she has to make other friends. And tell her that 3-somes are much harder and try to have friendships in pairs or even numbers.
Sometimes you have to pull kids out of drama. Perhaps this is the time...
Dawn
