Heartbroken :( - Borger,TX

If you want to be the one to be a caring person.. just send a note once in while.. tell them that you think of them... and hope they think of you too. Just write to one person or two people in that part of the family.. just once a year.. just to say thinking bout you... see what happens... good luck

C., you are not a Barbie Doll to be taken out and played with and then tossed back in the toy chest and forgotten.

I know this probably won't help you but I personally would like to strangle your 'bio-dad'.

You are your own woman with abilities and strengths and love to give. You do NOT need to WAIT around for these people to validate that.

I am sorry that they have not turned out to be what you would want. I would be hurt and disappointed also.

They sound like as a family, they do not have it really together. It will never change.
They are not used to having you around, they do not know you and you were probably raised very differently from all of them.

Instead you will need to figure out if YOU want to put the effort into these relationships, because I promise, they are never going to change.

I am sure they will love you and want to spend time with you, but they sound clueless about family dynamics and to be honest, this is a little bit of strange situation.

You will all have to figure out what works for all of you. It will take time and work.

I have family like this in certain ways, I also have extremely good friends like this. We will be really close, cannot get enough of each other and then life gets in the way and we move to that second tier, where we care about each other, but do not have the time or energy for each other.. It is not personal.

Do write them and tell them you miss them. Let them know what you are up to, ask what they are up to. Try to find a comfort zone for being in each others lives. Do not have an expectation, instead let it happen as it happens.

At some point if you want them really involved in your life (blessing and a curse) be willing to take them however they are and with what they can give.. Again, this may not end up the way you envision.
I am sending you strength.

My feelings about family are not driven by biology. Family is defined as those that provide physical and emotional care to you. They are the ones that give love freely. They are those that we ourselves would list as those we love. They are the people we worry about and help when they need it. Family are those whose presence and support is constant; never wavers due to distance or mistakes.

Look around and whoever does not meet those requirements is not family. You can still have them in your life as acquaintances, but acquaintances come second to family. You can create the family you want and need from the people who are right there with you. You don't have to try and force a relationship with someone due to biology if you have other people who already care about you.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Sometimes not having certain family members in your life can actually be a blessing. Maybe they would bring more bad into your life than good. Writing is a great way to get your feelings out. I suggest writing in a journal to get them all out. Sometimes when you keep it all inside and don't speak about it out loud or write it out, you don't even know how you really feel. If you write, it might help you decide if you want to contact your family or not.

I also would suggest you speaking with a Physiologist or someone else in that field. I'll share with you my husband's "dad" situation. He grew up never knowing who his "bio" dad was. His mom had him at 15 and said it was a guy she had a one night stand with and he moved out of state, didn't know she got pregnant and she didn't know any of his information to locate him. We searched and searched for this guy, always hit a dead end. We just knew deep down she was hiding the truth for some reason. Finally, a couple months ago (my husband's 31 yrs old) after my husband threatening her he will never speak to her again if she doesn't tell him who his father is, she admits she was raped by her step dad (He died when my husband was 3 years old). He went from wanting to know so bad who his dad was to trying to accept the fact that he's only on this earth b/c his mom was raped. It's a lot to take in. He started going to a Physiologist to try to deal with all of his emotions and it's helped him a lot. Don't worry, you're not crazy for seeking professional help. You've just had some things happen to you that are hard to deal with on your own. I wish you luck in whatever you do. ((HUGS))

No-one can really tell you what to do , you have to do what you feel is right in the end. But I personally think you should move on and get on with your life , with the family that brought you up , they are your "real family". They love you and want what is best for you. The others cannot come and go as they please in your life. So look forward not back and live your life , if they try and contact you and ask to see you , you can then explain your reasons as to why you don't want to see them and how much they have hurt you.

Good luck

That's got to be very disappointing for you and I understand why you feel like you do.
BUT what would writing a letter telling them to forget you exist really, really accomplish?
You mentioned that your dad was in rehab when your contact with him began. Do you know if he is still in recovery? If he is, I would try again to speak with him. Even if it doesn't end with a "real" relationship for the future it might bring some sort of resolution for both of you. If he has been drinking again, then that might explain (not excuse!) his behavior. Even though you don't deal with him regularly, if he IS drinking, you might consider attending an Alanon meeting to give you a better understanding of the cycle of addiction and alcoholism and how it can affect each and every decision in his life. It might help you.
Good luck and God bless!

I would contact them and have a talk with them. Explain that once you met them you though you could have a relationship with them and still want to. They may be thinking you haven't contacted them because you don't want a relationship with them. Try to fix it while you can.

I wish there was a way that you could just forget them, but that wont happen. You are a very strong girl and just know that this whole mess makes you a stronger person and a better mom for it. You can move on but you will never forget. Sometimes there just aren't happy endings, sorry to say.

Talking about it does make it better and helps you to realize you are not alone. Just know this, YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

My life has been somewhat of a soap opera. My parents split when I was in the 4th grade, and there never was much contact with my dad. Every once in awhile he would call. Then it had been a couple years and out of the blue I got a phone call from my dad right after I had given birth to my little girl. I don't think I had talked with him on the phone since (little girl is now 6). He did about 6 months ago start writing me on facebook. I think I only responded to 2 of his notes (no he is not my friend on FB). Right now I think that is all I can stand. My whole point of telling you this is, it's you that needs to find the level of comfortability with your dad and his family. I am friends on FB with some of my dads family, but we really did not talk before. I still send a Christmas card to my dad. I know you don't want to get hurt again, but talking to someone, anyone will help. I talked with friends and my spouse. Also writing in a journal helped me, to decide what to do. I decided for right now that it's ok for him to send me messages on facebook, but I don't really mention him to my children.

This is a complicated situation. I have a similar story, but I did have a sort-of relationship with my bio-dad (I call him that or by his first name, NEVER dad). Anyways, my mom was 20 when she had me and he pretty much said that he'd support her (financially), but he wasn't ready to "settle down" with a kid. So, mom let me have contact with him, but he was always traveling to the corners of the world, so I only saw him 3-4 times before I was 7. After that, nothing for a long, long time (besides an occassional postcard or birthday card). This whole time, I only had very little contact with some of his family--his parents would send birthday cards or call a couple of times a year, and 1 of his sisters would sometimes send a card and pics of her kids (my cousins).
Then, when I graduated from high school, I invited him. He came and we got to know each other a little bit. He offered to pay for a trip for me to go visit him, my aunt, and my grandmother in Washington. I went for 1 week and it was really nice. While I was in college, he came to visit me and my boyfriend-then-husband and stayed with us 2 times for about 2 weeks each time. We also took a long vacation one summer and drove to Wisconsin to visit him and meet some more of his family (another sister and a brother--plus their respective kids--my cousins). I've sent Christmas and graduation cards to them and tried to keep in touch, but they're very much caught up in their own "little" worlds and don't really respond. The last time I talked to bio-dad was almost 3 years ago! He has quite literally disappeared off the face of the planet (nobody else in his family has seen or heard from him since about January 2008)! He doesn't even know that he has a granddaughter (my little girl)! I also found out that he has a son who is 2 years older than me, but nobody knows how to get in contact with him, either.
So, besides sharing my "life story" I'll just say this: Do whatever makes you feel good/comfortable. I like knowing that I have more "family" out there, so I do what I can--send Christmas cards with pics of us, find & friend them on Facebook, whatever. But, I don't let it bother me when they don't return the same gestures. Now, my hope is that one day I'll hear from bio-dad again (hope he's not dead somewhere and nobody knows) and maybe find a way to get in contact with my half-brother. If you really don't think they are the kind of people you want (or need) in your life, let it go. The choice is yours.

Girlie, I feel for you. My biological dad does not speak to me. I wasn't even told the "father" that raised me wasn't my bio dad until I was 13. That was a shock..to put it mildly. My bio dad would only call me on my birthday and since I've now moved to another state I have zero contact with him. I'm much older than you (36) but I've decided that he was the "adult" in the situation all these years and he never made the attempt to get to know me or his granddaughters so I just go about my life as if he doesn't exist. It's his loss not mine. As for your situation...you really can't have a "healthy relationship" with a parent who is very "unhealthy" right now. I would just pray for him and stay away. Hopefully he will get his life together one day and be "healthy" enough and worthy to have such a beautiful daughter in his life. You my dear deserve the best and not drama in your life.

If you truly are ready to cut them out of your life, do whatever brings you closure. But make sure it is a conscious decision and not because you are sad/mad.

I hope you the best!!

Here are some angles to think about.

(1) Your bio-dad is an abusive alcoholic. That means he does not function normally. He is probably carrying some deep pain inside of himself, and is using alcohol to try to cope. Learn all that you can about alcoholism and abusers. It may help you to understand his behavior, past, present, and future.

Alcoholics by their very nature are overly focused on themselves, and that means that he may not give much thought at all to the effects on you from lack of contact.

(2) Your bio-dad may also feel some guilt about treating your mother so badly, and guilt about not contributing to your childhood at all. Sometimes people who feel guilty avoid the people who are connected with that guilt, even though those people are in way responsible. It's a defensive mechanism to avoid their own pain.

(3) The frequent calls in the beginning were probably due to the novelty of the situation. Everyone was curious about each other and had a lot of catching up to do. Now, you all know the basic facts about each other, and it's normal to reduce the amount of contact.

(4) Many family members do not have frequent contact with family members otside of their own households, even in the same town. Often, family members in different towns may only see each other at weddings and funerals. That's normal for a lot of families. However, when they are together, they pick up right where they left off in their relationships. So, recognize that the lack of contact may not necessarily signal a lack of interest in you; it may just be the way they operate in that part of the family.

My heart goes out to you. I hope that you can find peace in this situation.

I can't really give much advice here, but I can share with you my DH's story, which is similar to yours.

DH's mom got pregnant when she was 19. Married the dad. Split up 2 years later. Dad left the scene, never to be seen or heard from again. Growing up, DH never had any contact from bio-dad. When DH turned 18 and still had never heard from him, he decided that was it - he wasn't going to care anymore.

About 10 - 11 years ago, DH ended up somehow being contacted by a half-sister he had never met before - a half-sister from his bio-dad (I had not met him yet so I am unclear on the details). They kept in touch for a short while but then lost contact with each other. Around that same time, DH was working at car dealership and met a customer that happened to have the same last name. Turned out they had the same dad. Freaky!

Just a month ago, I ended being found on FB by the half-sister - she had been trying to track DH down again and found me on FB (DH does not do FB). We wrote back and forth some (we live in a different state now) and she helped fill in a lot of the gaps. Turns out DH's bio-dad fathered something like 10 kids with 5 different women, and my DH was NOT the oldest (he always thought he was, turns out the dad fathered a girl with someone else before that, had nothing to do with her), then he had DH with DH's mother, then went on to have 8 more kids with 3 more woman. The half-sister also said that the dad is an alcoholic and while he was more a part of her life than DH's, he wasn't a big part of it. She said he just does not communicate or try to have a relationship with anyone - his only relationship is with the bottle. He's not necessarily abusive, he just is not engaged. I told DH about being contacted by his half-sister on FB and we talked about it. Apparently his bio-dad would probably talk to him if DH initiated it, but he would not reach out himself. And DH is still not interested - he's been dealing with it the best way he knows how and isn't about to start all over again. I told DH what his half-sister told me - as much as it may hurt, and it sucks, and it is not right to treat your children this way, it doesn't sound like he is missing much. Turns out also that DH's bio-dad was the "black sheep" of the family and the rest of the family (grandparents, etc.) wanted nothing to do with him or the children he sired all over the place.

If you feel that the relationships you could have with your father's family will be positive ones, than by all means, do what you feel is right. If they bring you more grief and pain than joy, you would be wise to distance yourself. I've never believed in having toxic people in my life that would just drag me down. But sometimes you need to be the bigger person and take the first step.