He Wont "Cry It Out"

I'm a big believer in the "cry it out method" and it worked on all my 3 daughters, and it honestly changed my life. If I were you, I would try it again, maybe in a month or so. Also, I highly recommend the book, "Healthy Sleep, Happy Child, by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. Good luck.

Mine wouldn't cry it out either. It was awful! I highly suggest reading "the No-Cry Sleep Solution". It's terrific and offers suggestions for all sleeping arrangements. Co-sleepers, crib sleepers, night feeders, non-self soothers, transitioning from co-sleeping to crib sleeping - you name it. It's really helped me a lot.

Good luck, it's hard to have a baby and work full time!!

My first daughter was a lot like your son. Finally I got so exhausted and really just had reached the end of my rope and needed a good night's sleep! So I decided that she was going to sleep in her crib, in her room. The first night when she woke up, I went into her room, put my hand on her and told her mommy was there, but she needed to go to sleep now. And I left the room for 5 minutes while she cried and cried. (And I cried too!)Then I went in, put my hand on her, told her mommy was there but she needed to go to sleep. And I left the room for 10 minutes. Just keep repeating the process, adding 5 minutes each time. Eventually your baby will fall asleep, knowing you are there if he needs you. This may take several nights until he understands what to expect. With my daughter, she cried for around 2 hours off and on the first night, about 45 minutes the second night, 30 minutes the third night, and then just put herself back to sleep after that.

With my second daughter we started her off in her own room as a newborn, followed the Babywise program (which I loved and wished I had known about for baby #1!), and never had to do the cry it out thing at all because she slept through the night around 4 weeks old. (Lucky us!)

Anyhow, that's just my experience. Every baby is different! Just depends what you think will work for you and your baby. Good luck.

Long-Term Perspective on Self-Soothing:

The following interview with Dr. Karen Walant is so well-spoken, providing a very long-term perspective on self-soothing and self-reliance. Another good book is "Becoming Attached" by Dr. Robert Karen, very well researched and written.

Best wishes to you and your little one...

Fostering Healthy Attachment
An Interview with Dr. Karen Walant
by The Nurturing Parent (TNP) staff
TNP: Dr. Walant, tell us about your new book.
KW: Creating the Capacity for Attachment looks at how we, as a society, have raised our children with the expectation that they become totally self-reliant and autonomous rather than with the hope that they have the capacity to form close, loving, intimate relationships with others. As a result of our social insistence upon self-reliance, we have witnessed an epidemic of addictions and what I call "the alienated self," meaning people who are disconnected from their internal thoughts and feelings - their inner selves - and are unable to form true intimacy with others. Addiction exemplifies how, by not allowing ourselves to deeply connect to other people, we have attached only to the other things. For example, a pacifier is often one of a child's first attachments. It is plastic - and not the same as having mother and her breast, to suck and to cuddle with. This unhealthy pattern of reliance on objects is encouraged in the detached parenting styles so common in Western society, and it's easy to see how, from this tendency, as adults we continue to seek comfort in other non-human objects, such as drugs, food, money, etc.
Very early on, children are generally taught not to disclose to others when feeling "weak" or scared, "needy" or alone. Many of the emotions we felt in childhood - what people call the "negative" emotions - we were taught not to share. So, we sought comfort from blankets, pacifiers, and teddy bears, and we learned not to seek comfort from our mothers, our fathers, our family. As we got too old for blankets and teddy bears, we turned instead to other comforts - food, alcohol, money, etc. As adults, we struggle with holding our emotions within because we fear that by sharing our inner souls with others, we will - as in childhood - be discounted, dismissed, or denied.
TNP: In your book, you discuss the importance of "immersive" moments. When do these moments occur and why are they important?
KW: There are special moments that occur as part of the deepening of intimacy, which I have termed "moments of oneness" - moments when a person feels totally connected and understood by an other. The immersive moment is an intensely spiritual, holy one that occurs when two people can let down their barriers to intimacy and truly experience their inner feelings. This kind of feeling is a transcendent one - meaning that it moves someone, or shifts someone, to feeling more connected to another person.
The immersive moment occurs in feeling a sense of security in being held and comforted by an other - be that a spouse, friend, therapist, nature, or God. This kind of moment is first felt in baby-hood, when mother (we hope) picks up her child when he cries and holds him. She transcends his sense of pain and loneliness by holding and comforting him - something a pacifier just cannot do. It's similar to the feeling we get when we know that we can totally disintegrate into the arms of another person - just totally fall apart. Our baby falls apart in our arms, and we hold him, comfort him, quiet him. He knows that we are there, and that we - mothers, fathers, etc. - will put him back together again. We will find some way to reach into his being and contain what is distressing him so. We will take care of him. But if mothers and fathers do not pick up their crying baby, or hold their sleeping baby, then the experience is quite different. The child learns that he will not be comforted if (and when) he falls apart, and so he learns to hold in, dismiss, and cut-off from his fears and anxieties. If as children we do not get practice in "falling apart" into the arms of an other, then as adults we will also have difficulty achieving this level of intimacy.
TNP: It seems when babies fall apart in our arms, they have no concern whatsoever that we figure out what's wrong with them. They trust that we're going to comfort them. But as adults, we are insecure about why we fall apart.
KW: Right. It is our cultural belief that we should be so self-reliant and so self-assured that we shouldn't need anybody else. It seems to me that one of the goals of Western parenting has been to raise children to need no one - to be totally self-sufficient. That is not, in my eyes, the point of parenting or of having children. In fact, I disagree with the widely-held notion that we are born alone, and we die alone, so therefore teach your kids to be alone. None of us are born alone - after all, our mothers are there! And nobody should have to die alone, either, because ideally there are loved ones surrounding us as we leave this world.
TNP: What happens when the parent reassigns a different motive to the child's cry and decides not to be responsive?
KW: A child cries for a reason - not to manipulate his mother, not to be mean, or nasty, or to be a "pain in the neck." When, instead of trying to discern what her child needs, a mother simply says - "oh, he's just tired," or "he has to deal with sleeping by himself now" - she has given her baby the idea that expressing his inner self is wrong or bad. A baby is like someone who is quadriplegic. He can't do very much for himself - but that doesn't mean that he isn't thinking and feeling. When the baby cries and his mother responds, the child learns to have trust in the world around him and to have trust in himself. When the baby cries and his mother listens, the two join together in a moment of oneness that transcends the separateness, the aloneness, which the baby knows all too well.
TNP: Describe the process that happens from there.
KW: If the child has not been responded to, if he has not been attuned to or empathized with, he begins to feel more and more powerless, alienated, and detached. You know, sometimes the best you can do is simply empathize with your baby - "I know, you are angry because . . ." or "You want to get out of this car seat right away!" Saying something like that is much better than ignoring your child. The less empathy that is developed between parent and child, the less understood the child feels, and from there, the disconnection between the two just grows and grows.
TNP: What happens when a child grows into adulthood with repeated patterns of relating like this with his parents?
KW: Many people spend their lives feeling like nobody hears their cries - they feel alone, afraid, and powerless. When children are not responded to, in their earliest and most primary relationships, they learn that their thoughts and feelings are burdensome to others and that their needs are shameful. As adults, these same people often go underground with their feelings and seek comfort in substances. Or, alternately, these same people become so vocal in their neediness that, again, they are met with disdain from others and go on to find comfort, as well, in non-human substances.
TNP: This pattern of parenting that you are describing falls under what you call "normative abuse." Can you describe this concept for our readers and talk about what part it plays in the process of detachment?
KW: Society (at least in the Western World) has encouraged a number of parenting practices that I call "normative abuse." "Normative," because these are approaches that are sanctioned by society, therefore enacted without any moral discomfort. By normative, I mean practices which appear normal for our culture. A hundred years ago, for example, severe physical abuse was routine to parenting. The abuse we see today stems from our insistence on separation, self-soothing and detachment at the expense of attachment, intimacy, and connectedness.
TNP: Describe these practices that you say fall under the "normative abuse" category.
KW: First of all, normative abuse occurs when we avoid or ignore our parental instincts to be empathic and responsive to our children's needs. For example, parents are taught the best gift they can give their children is to encourage them to self-soothe at one, two, three months of age. Mothers frantically stick a pacifier in their babies' mouths or try to get their child to suck on his thumb, all in a well-meaning effort to wean their child from "needing" mom. In the psychoanalytic literature, for example, one writer even criticizes a mother who "allows" her baby to become "addicted" to her - can you imagine that? A baby should be "addicted" to his real mother, not to a substitute, plastic pacifier or even to his own thumb! Again, normative abuse occurs when the child's needs for attachment and closeness with his parents are sacrificed for the cultural norms that insist on autonomy and individuation. Babies need to be held - as much as possible, as often as possible. Therefore, I consider the over-use of strollers, playpens, and even cribs to be normative abuse.
TNP: Is this an all-inclusive statement - are you advocating that parents never use these items?
KW: No, certainly not. As a mother of a 4 1/2-year-old and 17-month-old twins, I know that nothing can be back and white! Certainly, a stroller comes in handy if you must take two babies together, by yourself. But I think that parents automatically put their baby into a stroller, without giving any thought to what is truly best and most natural. As well, parents worry that holding their baby will spoil him, that he will never accept a stroller later if he is held now. That is an unfortunate supposition and one that is not at all true. What a toddler enjoys is not the same as what a newborn baby needs. I sometimes cringe when I look at a newborn baby, lying all by himself, in his expensive, state-of-the-art stroller that his parents bought with such love and devotion. Almost without exception, that baby would prefer to be held, I'm sure. When my twins were infants, we always used slings to carry them wherever we went, and I was able to make sure that I never went out without another adult to help me carry the boys.
TNP: We tend to treat babies like they want to be away from us - "Don't you want this toy?" or "Don't you want to be in this his neat bouncy seat?" - when what they really want is to be in our arms or on our lap.
KW: That's right. Don't forget, we ourselves were parented in a detached manner, with normative abuse as well. So often, despite what we may intellectually know is best, we may still worry when our young children demand a closeness we never experienced in our own childhood. Despite what we know, we worry that he is "too clingy, too needy," and we become afraid that he will never want to become more independent. So, in spite of ourselves, we may push our children away, giving subtle messages that our children should learn to be independent of us. This is a Western worry - in other cultures, children are raised with the expectation that they will always remain near their parents, building a close-knit community rooted in the extended family.
TNP: It seems that we've lost the sense of family connectedness in our society that should sustain us throughout our lives.
KW: Yes. In our world, a family that "still" has a 20-year-old living at home, for example, is considered suspect. "What went wrong?" people wonder. "Why is that young adult still at home?"
TNP: What are some other practices that fall under the term normative abuse?
KW: The concept of normative abuse implies that intimacy and connectedness are devalued and replaced with social expectations of a self-sufficiency way beyond the baby and young child's ability. When we are not empathic to our children, we create a rift or a separation inside this loving relationship. For example, using nicknames that are in reality hurtful or mean, creates a barrier inside the relationship. Jokingly calling your child a "stinker," or "troublemaker," or "rebel," can have long-lasting effects on your child's self-perception. I knew a mother, who, for example, continually labeled her 3-year-old daughter's opposition behavior "ugly."
TNP: What challenges do parents face (in their own parenting) when they grew up in situations that were laden with "normative abuse" practices?
KW: Well, the likelihood is that we will repeat, in some form or another, that which was done to us. Parenting is constant interaction, meaning we are always being challenged by our children in the moment. I like to hope that, at our best, we can parent in an introspective way. By that I mean, that we continue an ongoing conscious dialogue within ourselves, with our spouses, and with others so as to question and process how we are handling the everyday moments with our children. We need to "check in" with others who are also taking a more empathic approach to parenting, so as to make sure that our actions are intersecting with our intellect. For example, one mother I know needed ongoing reassurance after the birth of her young daughter, that her 4-year-old's wish to return to nursing was not "wrong" and that it did not indicate that her preschooler would always insist on being "babied" again. This is uncharted territory for most of us, and it helps to have others - like AA has sponsors - to guide us along the way. That's one of the wonderful aspects of magazines like The Nurturing Parent. People can feel reassured as they parent in a more attached way and can ask for help and guidance in navigating the waters of empathic parenting.
Another aspect of "doing unto our children what was done to us" is that we may, by attempting to become the opposite of our parents, still stimulate some of the same dynamics with our children. For example, some parents have the tendency to "overattach." By that I mean that they do not allow enough separateness inside the connectedness of their relationship with their children. In so doing, these parents are not attuning to the very important needs of their children to also have "separate time," or even "separate adventures" away from home. What causes this misattunement? In every relationship, we find characteristics in others which resemble our own parents and siblings. We essentially recreate, in our current relationships, the family scenario from which we came. In this, we then respond as we have always responded, feeling the same emotional dynamics that we have always felt, and therefore feeling a stability in our own core self. For example, a mother may have felt particularly traumatized by her own childhood experiences of abandonment. As an adult, she is exquisitely sensitive to feeling that others will leave her. With her own child, then, she may experience what is his healthy separateness, with dismay and fear. She experiences his natural growing independence and individuation as an abandonment of their relationship and then, as she did in her own childhood, she becomes anxious, insecure, and protests what is essentially his right to separateness.
TNP: How do we understand healthy attachment?
KW: Healthy attachment allows for separateness as well as connectedness. Freud spoke of an "indissoluble bond," a bond in which we know that "we cannot fall out of this world." In a sense, we have an invisible, life-long umbilical cord which is attached to those we love most dear. And, as in the womb, we are free to move around, somersault, and rotate while still being fed and cared for through the umbilical cord.
TNP: Explain healthy separateness.
KW: It varies from child to child, but generally speaking, we need to help our children develop what Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, called the capacity to be alone. We need to be non-intrusive and respectful of times when our children want to play alone or color alone or to simply be alone. We don't need to force alone time on our children by shutting them away from us, but rather we can help them create the capacity for self-enjoyment by giving them time to entertain themselves while we are unobtrusively nearby. Even a baby has this experience, while being held on his mother's lap or snuggling inside a baby wrap. It's really a misnomer to think that a baby must be put down in order to experience his own separate body and mind. Even while being held, he is having his own thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Research has shown that, for example, a 3-month-old pair of conjoined twins already knew the difference between sucking their own thumb and sucking the thumb of their sibling.
Part of our job, as parents, is to help our baby feel comforted in negotiating the feelings that come from his sense of littleness and powerlessness. I often think of myself as a "human pacifier" because I can provide immersive moments through comfort, nurturance, and soothing to my children when they ask for, and need, my help.
TNP: After addressing the disease of detachment in the first half of Creating the Capacity for Attachment, you present breakthrough ideas concerning an approach to psychotherapy that facilitate the healing process for persons suffering it. Why did you choose to focus on this?
KW: Psychotherapy is a wonderful place for people to discover the joy of intimacy through putting their thoughts and feelings into words. But all too often, psychotherapists have fallen short of encouraging the attachment process - of encouraging just what it takes to heal someone from their wounds of detachment. The 12-Step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, have done a much better job of helping people re-attach to the loving bonds of humanity than, traditionally, has psychotherapy. These programs teach people how to redirect their very normal need for love and attachment to other members of the group, rather than to continue seeking comfort from substances. A therapist can, similarly, be someone who is willing to help create the kind of attachment, love and security that was missing in his or her patient's childhood. I believe this element has been left out of psychotherapy for too long. The level of intimacy that the therapist encourages inside the setting of the psychotherapy process can be very powerful and healing.
TNP: In your book, you discuss how you enable immersive moments to be part of the psychotherapy process in your practice. Can you describe this process?
KW: I look at psychotherapy as a process of immersion, of always deepening my knowledge and understanding of the person I am sitting with. As he puts all his feelings and thoughts into words, he feels relief in being understood, in releasing himself from his inner demons, and he relaxes in our developing relationship. In this empathic process, there is usually a deepening of affection and trust. The development of a secure base, a secure attachment between us, is crucial to the process. Therefore, as with a baby or young child, I believe that as the therapist, I must be accessible, even between sessions. This is usually of great comfort to people, who are used to detachment and distance in most of their other relationships.
TNP: In your book, you comment that you've often been questioned about making yourself so accessible to your patients because it might create an unhealthy dependency, which might even mean that your clients would be calling you all of the time, not allowing you the space that you need.
KW: It doesn't happen that way. Just knowing that I'm accessible is what seems to have been the most important part of my accessibility to my patients. I have provided the protective wall in which they can operate. This is such a direct parallel to the parent-child relationship. Attachment parents have been criticized for the same reasons. But, in truth, the children, like my patients, operate within the protective wall, and they do not form an unhealthy dependency. Instead, they do their own thing and grow to reach their own potential. Just like our children, my patients seem to thrive in the knowledge that I am present for them whenever they have a need.
John Bowlby has said that no matter how adult we are, as grownups we also do our best when we feel there's someone behind us or underneath us who is holding us up. It's as though we are all acrobats, walking on our own tightropes, feeling confident because there is a security net beneath us that we can see and believe in. This security net gives us the courage to continue walking along on our own highwire. This concept is as necessary to psychotherapy as it is in childrearing.

You have to decide for yourself how important the independence is, but it seems to me that your baby simply is not ready for such a transition. As the previous poster said, all children are different both in personality and development.

I was never able to "Ferberize" my children, it simply wasn't my style, although I did learn with my second child, my daughter, to not rush to her for every cry, since often the infant can work it out for him or herself. Knowing what I now know about my son, my oldest, however, I am very grateful that I never tried to force him to sleep on his own as an infant, and never tried letting him cry it out. It would have been very traumatic for him, and who knows what issues would have emerged as a result.

My general rule of thumb is that there is no rule of thumb, lol. But there are some guidelines. If you can apply the techniques for self-soothing in Ferber's book and have it all resolved within half an hour, the infant was totally ready for the change and "crying it out" is the right thing to do. If, however, the process takes hours and days, the infant is not at all suited to the change and I would not choose that method.

There is nothing wrong with keeping your child in your bed for a few years because your child WILL grow out of it, and WILL learn to soothe him or herself to sleep. My daughter is an ace sleeper, usually asleep in her own room within 5 minutes, despite sleeping with us until she was almost 2. My son was never in our bed and has a lot of difficulty falling asleep (always has, always will), but has learned to read himself to sleep, and has become very independent.

Still, it is a balance. Every member of the family has needs that must be considered; the infant isn't the only one. If the current sleeping arrangements mean that you are not getting the sleep you need, and have to face the day feeling more stressed and exhausted than necessary, then making choices that may be difficult on you baby in the short term could still be the best path for your unique family.

In the end, I guess what I really suggest is to remove concepts and ideas about what does and does not need to happen from your mind, and listen exclusively to your instincts as a mom. You are the one who knows your family best, and any choices you make can only be effective if your heart, and not just your mind, is in them.

Best of luck. I know these are exhausting years. But you will, someday, actually miss them.

I can tell you what has worked best for me. (I have 5 children) The "cry it out" method has worked for me it's a process. First let him cry 10 min or so. Go in check on him. Touch him but Don't pick him! just talk to him and soothe him let him know you are. Say goodnight and leave. Next time wait longer. Add 5-10 min each time. It will work. You just have to be consistent and don't give in. It's hard not to want him to pick him but if he knows you will he'll keep crying. Try it on the weekend when you don't have to get up for work early the next morning. Hope it helps.

He's not ready. don't force it. five months is really little! i have a 12 month old who still fights going to sleep on her own sometimes. it's a development thing. it's ok to let the baby cry sometimes -- and sometimes you HAVE to -- but at 5 months there is no reason on earth to just insist on letting him scream either. schedules are not part of life for most babies that age. i'd say do what you need to do to get him to sleep. things change fat in the first year... even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it. if he needs you right now, he needs you. good luck... he will be in his own bed soon, i promise.

K. - I'm a pediatric nurse in a hospital and a mother to one. I feel your pain my friend - one thing a baby has to be able to figure out himself is how to self-sooth. Many do it with a pacifier - my daughter did it with her blanket, many children have an in-crib music/light machine - whatever it is, that is a development a child must have. If you have tried all those things, and your child still cries - then I think you only have one option at this point. I think a crib is a great idea - your child needs its own space, and it's much too easy to just reach over and pick him up when he cries. I hate to tell you this - but the "just cry it out" method, when it comes to a kiddo like yours usually ends up being the only way - and I also hate to tell you - but 40-45 minutes is NOT a long time. I know it seems like it to you - but my dear friend's child was 2 1/2 and STILL in their bed because she had developed a habit - and that's where you are at right now - your son has developed a habit of sleeping in his bed, and that habit WILL continue until the routine is broken. Buy a crib - put it in another room - love him, feed him, change him - put him in his crib - and then you have to wait him out. My friend did this and it took a week! Yes, a week of her crying for 2 1/2 hours - but in the end - she was in her bed, and they were in theirs. Set a pattern now, because when the dreaded 2's and 3's come, your son needs to know that he doesn't run the family - you do. Good luck!

Every parent is different as is every child but my daughter is almost 5 and still wants to climb into our bed every morning. I think we live in a society that makes us feel this is wrong but many other cultures sleep in a family bed. And your babe is so young he just wants to be close to his mama who he was a part of for nine long months. There is a good book called The no Cry Sleep Solutions, that has a bunch of great ideas. I'm just saying that it's normal and I am a firm believer in NOT letting them cry it out. It all takes time and even though you feel tired now (Im sure) it goes by so fast. Your doing your best and he's still so small.

My sister tried everything to get her son to sleep and then her mother-in-law said she heard about this DVD called the 3-day miracle. My sister thought it was just another thing that wouldn't work. Her MIL said there was a money back guarantee so it might be worth it to try it. It worked!!! I think the idea is that your child is overtired and needs to be put down very early in the evening. You could look into it...my sister's husband said he would do a testimonial for the lady on the DVD if she ever needed one. They are so grateful for her. They were feeling tortured, now their son sleeps through the night.

I agree with Amy. My daughter wasn't ready either. I got looked down upon by family because I would always hold her and "jiggle" her butt to get her to go to sleep at night. Or nurse her. They said to let her cry it out but at that age she wasn't ready. Do what works for now and don't worry about later. The time will come when he is ready to sleep on his own...it's just not right now. My daughter is 15 months old soon and in the past month or so will go to sleep in her own crib by herself in the dark bedroom with just her Glo Bear on for comfort against the dark, her Bunny and Blanket that she takes everywhere. It works for us. Just be patient... it will come soon enough.

I do understand that you must be tired working full time (I do too) and some nights you think to your self "I just can't keep doing this!" Just take it easy and relax. Sleep as much as you can how ever you can that works for your family. It will come soon enough ... I promise.

When you say 'there's nothing wrong with him, there's nothing hurting him, he just NEEDS comfort near us' you've hit the nail on the head. He needs comfort near you. A baby that young doesn't know know how to manipulate. You don't have to teach them to be independant. Kids learn independance by feeling safe in the world, and when their needs aren't met, and their adults don't respond to them and allow them to scream for long periods of time, they learn that the world will not take care of them and their needs don't matter. That YOU will not take care of him, and his needs don't matter to YOU. They can actually become more needy and less able to express their needs, which creates a lot of stress that they will carry into adulthood. The stress hormones that are released in their little bodies when they scream with anger and panic are like pouring powerful drugs into their systems, and the hopelessness that sets in when they are not responded to is a pattern that can have far reaching effects.

Ask yourself, have the individuals in our culture become more healthy emotionally since the idea that 'children should sleep by themselves' was first introduced? This is a very new idea, really only in the last one or two hundred years. And it's still mainly in our western culture that it's happened. In that time the incidence of crime and poor mental health has only increased.

A baby still has the needs of our genetic heritage. When we lived in caves, it was necessary for a child to be close to an adult for safety, or wild animals would eat it. And a baby CAN"T understand that they are safe when they're alone at night, they simply don't have the cognitive ability for it. Just as you don't expect a baby to be able to read, speak, use a toilet, prepare their own food, so you also can't expect them to understand that they are safe without an adult at night.

Give your son the gift of what he needs. You. I promise, he won't still be sleeping with you when he's in grade school, and probably will be happily sleeping on his own long before that. Every child is different.

I have three kids from 13 to 3. I co slept with my babies for the first year. They always moved to their own beds at the time that was right for them. The middle one took the longest but she was in her bed by 2. The way I look at is that they will not be sleeping with me when they are 18 and I can never have this time with them again. Enjoy your baby now because soon she will be gone living her own life. It passes faster than you know.

mine was the same. i ended up just keeping our daughter in bed with us.. until she was old enough to go to a big girl bed. wish i had more help. :)

Let him sleep with you. It's way too soon to worry about transitioning to the crib. I co-slept with both my girls (now ages 7 & 9) until both were close to 1 year and did not have a problem moving either one to the crib. If you really don't want him in your bed, put a bassinet next to your bed and hold his had while he sleeps or put your hand on his tummy. Some babies need the touch, others prefer the body heat. Enjoy this time of pure cuddling. It's won't be long before his little arms and legs will be flung all over you :) My 7yo usually hit me across the face with her arm.

You need tolet him learn to self soothe at naps, once he is adept, nightimes will be easier for him. Try not to nurse him till he is asleep but drowsy..

Hi K.,

I am not sure with the info that you gave if you are nursing him at 11:30 and then trying to put him back down, or if you are expecting him to sleep through the night or he is just waking up and not falling back asleep unless he is skin-to-skin.

If this is a nursing time and he will not go back down after the feeding…then I would suggest moving him to his crib and doing the nursing in his room. The advice of going in and rubbing his back as needed with adding 5-10 minutes between visits is right on, and worked for us…and yes, you will cry too the first few nights. Even if you go in two or three times and decide it is not worth it and bring him to bed anyhow, it is still a good start. Just keep trying it. With this age it takes 24 hours to change a behavior, which in night time hours is about three nights. It will be three nights of less sleep than ever, but be patient, it will happen.

If this is a case in which he is just waking and wanting to be close to you, then I have a few suggestions as that was mostly our first daughter’s issue. If he likes it, then swaddle him tight and lay him between rolled up blankets in the co-sleeper so he is snug. I also put a heating pad under the blanket under her, that I would turn off after lying her down, so that she was not leaving my warm body to lie in a cold bed alone. One more thing…take your nightgown that you have worn for a night or two, or your pillowcase and put it in the bed with him. Having warmth, scent of mom and cozy snugness makes the transition easier. Make sure your bedroom, or his room is not too cold either during the night. A little high heating bill during the winter may be the trade off.

Hope you find something that works for you! I am one who NEEDS my sleep as well and 9 months of sleep deprivation was not great but it did end eventually.

I found with my daughter if i placed her blanket over us when i nursed her and used the same blanket to put her down to bed she would sleep most of the night (of course she would wake for her midnight feeding). I would sometimes have her daddy cover himself with her blanket for a bit and that would work well to. Good Luck!

ok so you seem to be consistant in a routine...thats a good start. Unfortunately with my first 3 babies...I did the same thing and gave in...which was actually miserable for all of us. I have an 8 mo old that I am working with because I kept giving in and sitting in a rocker by her crib and soothing her back to sleep every 1-2 hours. I was putting her to sleep then laying her down. It seems wrong to me to let her cry for so long...but they are not hurt. I know the best thing for my baby is to teach her to soothe herself and the ability to fall asleep on her own. I started a few weeks ago being very consistant. I have a set time..I feed her...change her and I walk in and sit her in her crib and walk out. She is very smart and the second I got to her crib she would get lovey dovey on me and she knew I would sit there and not put her down. She cried on and off for a few hours...it came down to 45 min...then a few days later 20-30 and finally last night 10 min. I am so looking foward to her just getting it! The other mistake I made for a while was sitting in there next to her. This was I think more torture to her than good. She is only making progress with the routine we do now. I thought it was awful to let a baby cry....it took me 4 kids to realize it was ok and they arent crying because they "need" you at that moment. You are on the right track I would just suggest to move him out of your room. I would take my shower when I put her down so I wouldnt give in.

Personally, I never could do the "cry it out" thing with my children. I believe strongly in attachment parenting, and have had wonderful rewards in using that approach. I brought both of my children to bed with me. They were calmer, as was I. I did try the cry it out thing with my oldest, and it just didn't work. I made a point of having a set bedtime routine every night from the get go, and both girls sleep in their own beds through the night just fine now. They don't even need a night light. Go with your instincts. If it feels right to have your child next to you, then do. He will eventually start sleeping in his own bed. It's only a matter of time. Maybe try putting him in his crib or co-sleeper after he's fallen asleep next to you. If he wakes up, bring him back to bed with you, or just try to reassure him. It's a slow weaning process, but it will happen eventually.

If your son is at least 4 months old and 14 pounds and not undergoing a major milestone (rolling over, sitting up on his own), then he should be ready to sleep through the night from 7:30 p.m. to 7:00 a.m.. Make sure you don't nurse him to sleep as he'll always remember nursing as his last memory before falling asleep. When he wakes up, he wants to nurse again b/c that's what he associates with falling asleep. I used to give my sons baths, then dress them in their pj's, then nurse them until they were drowsy, then read a couple of books, then put them in their cribs and say "goodnight!"

I highly recommend Jill Spivack's book, THE SLEEPEASY SOLUTION. Check out their website, www.sleepyplanet.com and you'll get a taste of what the book/DVD offer.

Good luck!

My daughter went through something very similar when she was small. I finally had had enough and was so tired that I decided she NEEDED to be in her own bed. Thie first night she cried for 2 hours straight and it was awful. She begged and pleaded to get out of bed (she was close to 2)before she fell asleep. The second night the struggle went on for 45 minutes before she fell asleep. The third night was about 20 minutes and by the fourth night she actually went into her own bed quite happily, we read and snuggled and she went to sleep. It was a really difficult 3 days but totally worth the stress.

Hi, I know how hard it is to have a baby that wont sleep at night I have two children who would weake all nioght long for years...with my second son I got a co-sleeper and thought it would really help...he would be right next to me and I could nurse him and roll him back to his own space..it totally didn't work. I also tried with my first son to have him in his crib and would get up all night long nurse him in his room in a rocking chaid and then lay him back down...this was very exausting for me and I cracked at about 13 months! I decided when baby #2 was starting the same pattern his brother did, that I would not do it again. So I accepted that I had a high need baby and just went with it. I co-s;ept with him, and actually just put a twin bed in his room with a long baby gate up along the bed, and I slept with him in the bed exclusivly until I knew he was able to move around well enough by himself, and then I would nurse him down in his own bed, and just go in when he would wake up nurse him and either finish sleeping with him or once he was sleeping longer periods at night go back to my bed. It has worked out really well for us since he now pretty much only wakes up once or twice and now I wont have to transition him from a crib to a big boy bed he already knows and loves his bed. SOrry if that was not exactly yje respinse you were looking for but I thought maybe a different perspective could be helpful. I hope you find what works for your family soon. There is no wrong way! THe ulimate goal is to have the baby and youy get sleep so however that happens I would say that is successful.

One more thing letting a baby cry it out can break the trust between Mom and baby, he may eventually give up and sleep but that is once he knows his crys don't mean anything...and you never know with a small baby what he could be crying for(hungry, gas, teething, too hot, too cold etc..)I'm sorry that sounds so harsh but I don't beleive in cry it out until well after the first year when you can talk to them and they understand what you expect of them. A really good book is the Dr. Sears baby book.

I agree with Marilyn M. Whole heartedly! Mothering is about giving the child what he needs and he needs you.

Hi K.,

When opur son was 11 months old we decided that it was time for him to learn to soothe himself to sleep. We chose a time when we had a work holiday so that we wouldn't be completely bombed. We went through the normal bedtime routine and then put him in his bed. He cried and screamed for over two hours then fell asleep. The next night it was less than an hour and by night three he cried for about 15 min and ever since then he has been able to sleep through the night. I was a nonbeliever in crying it out until I had to do myself. My pedi doc assured us that we were doing the right thing and told us that if we didn't train him to self soothe he would eventually just come into our bed every night. We took his advice and it worked for us. Just know that you aren't damaging your son in any way by teaching him to put himslef to sleep. Good luck!

I know you're tired and frustrated but he needs more time. He's not ready to soothe himself. Try nursing again when he wakes, or just a cuddle if that works, and lay him back in the co sleeper. Believe me, it's easier for both of you that way than 45 minutes of crying. You can have him back down a lot quicker if you just pick him up. Five months is very young. You're right, he needs comfort from you. I know you're stressed out and worrying about getting him to sleep in the crib. Just stay in tune with his needs and it will work out. Their timeline isn't always what works for us but at five months what he wants is what he needs. I highly reccommend the book "Nightime Parenting" by Dr. Sears. Good luck!

I know it's frustrating. My son was similar, only we never tried the "crying it out thing." we just picked him up, danced him around, and held him until he fell asleep, then we set him in his crib and crossed our fingers that he didn't wake up. Even now, I lay down with him until he's asleep, wait about 15 minutes until I can hear him breathing pretty deeply, and then move him and he's 18 months.
I also enjoy sleeping next to him though. I know for me since I work full time as well, sometimes I just need some alone time and wish my baby would go to sleep by himself, but reality is, that just creates more frustration in the end. For now, I give him what he wants, and everyone's happier. Seriously, you may get more sleep yourself this way - I do.

All babies are different, but they all learn very young that crying gets them what they want if you jump to pick them up when they cry. It sounds cold, but they learn to manipulate. In my case, my daughter was only a few weeks old when she started doing the same thing your son is doing. She would be changed, fed, warm and comfy yet she would scream her head off. At first, I did the same thing you did. I wanted to bring her to bed with me just to get sleep, and not to wake my husband up, but I realized I would be creating a very bad habit if I kept bringing her to bed with me. I have a friend whose kids are 6 and 3, and they both sleep in her bed. Not okay for the love life, or sleeping for that matter. Anyhow, I got to the point where I just let her scream. The first few times were rough; I put a pillow over my head to keep me from hearing her ( I know, sounds bad). It only took 3 or 4 times, but eventually, she completely stopped crying and learned how to comfort herself. It was gradual, she didnt just stop one day. She found a stuffed animal that she sleeps with to this day (she is 5 now)and it always made my friends with night screamers envious when I would tell them that at 5 weeks old, she was sleeping through the night. I think if you can tough it out, let him cry, as long as you know he isn't in any discomfort. Also, if you do alot of activites with him to tire him out during the day, that will help. I hope this information has been helpful. Good Luck!

Do you have anything in his crib to entertain him while he falls esleep? try something that lights up and plays music that he can look at and be distracted by until he falls esleep.

K., I know how you feel! I have twin daughters who we had to train to sleep in their own cribs in the same room. At 5 months, we were still holding them until they fell asleep, then laid them in their cribs to sleep. Many times they woke up and cried when laid down, sometimes waking each other up. We tried CIO methods but at that age but they'd keep each other up!! Just when we thought they'd fall asleep, one would start crying again and wake the other up and we'd start all over! (Point...it could be worse!!!) . For a while evey time we thought we had a schedule down, it would change-they'd start crying agian. and we would get so exhausted after letting them cry for so long, that eventually, we gave in. We are humans! By 1 year we decided they had to get themselves to sleep. So we started laying them in their cribs just before they fell asleep-during nap time. And it worked-sometimes. Then we tried it at bed time. We had to do it in stages so they could adjust. Lay down just before asleep, pat backs/soothe; then lay down and stand next to them; then one day we just left the room after laying them down. They were fine. Sometimes they get up but we just tell them to lay down, or physicall lay them right back down, and try to "ignore" them, so they don't get more stimulation. (it's probably harder with 2 though because they interact with each other while in their cribs.) They stir in bed still, and sometimes get up, but we just mean business when it's bed/nap time. But just know that things change! Even if your schedule seems solid, it will change! Teething can wreck your schedules and throw everything off track, so don't be discouraged! It's okay to be flexible to a certain degree! You just find a way to make it work within your routine. I do recommend getting him to sleep in a crib though. Start there, then work your way up. Whatever you do, be consistent in your method, BUT if something seems wrong, then adjust! If he starts crying after your schedule seems solid, Maybe he's got poopy, or gas, or is teething! And follow YOUR instincts.

I had that problem with my daughter until someone a little older and wiser than me gave me a book to read, On Becoming Baby Wise, by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, M.D. I read the book cover to cover twice (I was desperate and sleep deprived) and then tried their techniques. Within 3 days my baby was sleeping through the night as well as eating and sleeping on a consistent, happy, and comfortable routine. She was much happier and so were the rest of the people in the house. Best Wishes!

i have found if you let him cry about 5 min then go in make him lie down if you can but if not don;t worry just pat him hopefully he will clam down .the leave the room and repeat as needed . thisis best if in his own crib. he may need some music playing,or a a favorte blanket or toy . may be even a pacifieier. i believe if not usesd to long and maybe just for sleep they can be very soothing . this usually takes about three nights but usually i have found things get better.S.

Don´t worry, I know it´s hard esp. being a first timer. I am also a first timer but my baby is now 2 and 4 months. Your baby is still small and needs your closeness. When he wakes up try patting his chest, buttocks or back with your hand in a rythmic motion while he´s still in his sleeper. Don´t pick him up, just talk to him and tell him that you are there. Sing him a song, put soothing music on. Talk to him and tell him that you are right there and that you will be next to him until he falls asleep. This is going to take some time on your part but believe me it works. Soon he will learn to sleep apart from you but still know that you are near. It took me a good year to finally find a way to get my baby to self soothe. He will. M. A.

Have you read Elizabeth Pantley's "The No-Cry Sleep Solution"? It has wonderful, gentle, gradual methods for all sorts of sleep issues, including the transition of a baby into his own bed. I, for one, cannot and will not let my baby "cry it out." To each Mama her own, but there are other ways. They take patience, but I think they do work. I have been following some of the other advice in her book and it's definitely working. Good luck!

It my take some time daughter son did sleep though the night until he was 8 months old. It sounds like he does need to be in his room not your so you can get better sleep. You are doing the right thing keeping the some routing. You may had to put up with crying. Put him down and let him cry for 15 min. Before gong back in. Also try playing some soft music. He sounds like he is use to going your bed, So it is a go time to change it now. And keep it up until he changes . Grandma Daine

This is normal, some babies do not sleep through the night until 6 months or a year. Your baby may be a restless sleeper and wake up to any noises - I would run the vacuum when my children sleep, so they would be use to noise in their sleep. If your household is absolutely quite, they will have to have absolute quite to sleep for the rest of their lives.

But if this is not the case, it might be because the parents come to the rescue of the baby because the parents can not stand the crying and will teach the baby that every time they cry in their cribs, their parents will pick them up.

Although it's hard and might take a week or two, you have to allow the baby to cry - they may even do it for an hour or two, but remember your baby is still young for sleeping through the night.

If he is in a co-sleeper, can he see you? If he can see you, or knows you are near, it might make it worse...just a thought. We used the cry it out method (a little tweekd to suit us), but it worked well, we had to be consistent and not let him see us between checking on him, and never pick him up. Good luck!

HI K.,

We have a 13 month old daughter and she slept with us up until about 7 months old. We put her crib next to our bed and the first night we put her to sleep in her crib she did fine. What worked for us is I slept next to her in my bed while she was in her crib next to me. I also got her some soothing music toys that glow in the dark. Target sells a blue seahorse (glows in the dark) that plays soothing music. What may help also is to give your baby a bath with soothing bath wash. This may also help why our daughter goes to sleep so easily.

Good luck.

One thing I can say that I learned the hard way is not to put them to sleep feeding. This keeps them from being able to soothe themselves back to sleep. The bedtime routine should consist of feeding before playing, or before the bath, just sometime before so that when he goes to sleep it's when he's already laying in the co-sleeper. Try this: Read the book, then feed him. Then give him his bath. After his bath lay him in the co-sleeper with the lights dim and talk to him softly or sing to him. It may take a few nights of this before he understands that you're changing the routine and he'll learn to self-soothe soon afterward...try not to pick him up right away... at some point you may have to, but the longer you wait each time he will get what's going on... let me know how it goes--it worked for mine, she still wakes up every now and then but mostly will go right back to sleep on her own--if not we give her the pacifier and then she's out, because she no longer associates sleeping with feeding.

Hope this helps,
J.

5 months old really is young. If you are able to get him to lay down after he is asleep that is a GREAT first step. Eventually he will sleep longer and longer and get the skills to go back to bed. Are you in bed with him at 11:30, perhaps he smells you?

Hi there. Mothering magazine issue no. 114 September/October 2002 is a full issue dedicated to articles about cosleeping. I'm sure there is a ton more info to be found out there. You might look into it. I has awesome luck with it. I see it as a way to teach your children how to sleep. It also helps them to stay on a schedule that is like yours.
Take care,
T.

K.,

I have three children, oldest is 20 and youngest is 10. To start with, I know you may not believe this now, but the frustration you may be feeling right now will pass. They eventually are able to sooth themselves, sleep without you and go on to succeed as people. When mine were young, I got many different opinions of the 'right' way to get all of us through the night. You will find your way that works for your family. I let all three of my children 'need' me as much as they did at that sweet little age. For night soothing, sleeping, and just plain old functioning. I nursed all of them for min of a year. I had a basinett by the bed. They started out nursing, I would transfer them into basinet once asleep. Sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes I was too darn exhausted to pick them up and move them a foot away. Sweetie, contrary to some beliefs, I believe it is perfectly ok for your little one to need your help in soothing, esp when young. In time they eventually do sleep in their own beds, quit sucking on pacifiers, learn how to deal with the parts of life they now (at a very young age) scream over. If it works best for your whole family to get at least a decent night's sleep by your son sleeping in your bed or next to you, then I say go for it. Do what gets you all through it. As a new mom, I would encourage you to mother from that place...whatever gets us all through it(the night, the moment, the year). Don't feel like there is a wrong or a right way. Whatever brings you all the greatest amount of peace, and least amount of turmoil and frustration. Good luck to you, and honey you do have my sympathies. Love that little man with all you have, and cherish him even during the screaming moments, before you know it he will be off to college. I believe I have very wonderful children, due mostly to giving them me-for soothing, for navigating even their 5mo little selves into feeling loved and safe in their world. Even when it meant they did it in my bed and not their own. Hang in there.

get in a naptime routine and put him for naps in the crib... then eventually for night time too. you may find that without you right near him he will learn to sooth himself. in the co sleeper he knows you are right there (smells you, seneses your presence) but in his crib he will learn that is his place. you really have to suffer through a few nights of misery (crying it out etc) but it is SO worth it in the long run - for both of you! While he is crying it out, make sure you go in after 5 mins the first time and pat him and sooth him (dont pick up) then wait 7-10 mins for the second time and go pat and sooth him, then wait 15 mins, etc... he will eventually fall asleep and this routine wont last forever. do the same things first while you are putting him in for naps. My daughter was also very needy (unlike my son) and I still have to go in and pat her and put her pacifier in every few hours, but it is much better that she is in her room, she sleeps much more soundly than she did in our bed (me too! even if I still have to go in every now and then). good luck!!

He will Cry it out, but you have to let him. It is painful but he know has a habit of being nursed to sleep so he doesn't know how to fall asleep on his own. We occasionally found ourselves with this problem when my son was under a year old and we would have to go back to letting him cry, and swear to each other, we would put him down still awake so he understands what he has to do. Nursing him to sleep after 3 months, I think creates habits that are increasingly hard to undo. Usually after two nights of crying, sometimes for an hour or 1.5 hours, he would go to sleep and I'll be honest, I had to leave the house because I couldn't listen and not respond. My husband would be the tough one and stay with him. You can do the continual go in and reassure (there are various approaches), but i think the more you go in, the longer it goes on. good luck -- i know it is hard -- but you gotta do it.

HI K.,
It's hard for these little ones to learn how to sooth themselves and I don't think either of my kids were able to do this at 5 months. Our daughter didn't sleep through the night until she was six months old and for our son it took 9 months
CIO never worked for us and I think it causes more anxiety and insecurity in children. I found that at this age the more than we held and reassured the babies and tried to teach them that we were always there if they needed us, the better they responded. Aa a result or routine, consistency we have two great kids that don't fight naps or bedtime.
You mentioned that you nurse him to sleep and this could be part of the problem. I would try to put him down when he's drowsy but still awake. If he fusses, rub his back or cheek. You might have to pick him up and do this more than one time. You might also introduce a cuddle toy if he doesn't use a pacifier or thumb to sooth. YOu can give it to him when you are nursing him for naptime or bed each time and he will come to associate that with comfort and sleep. Then when he wakes up can cuddle with that. This can be different with each child too. OUr daughter leaned to sooth herself by putting her finger in her belly button.
Do what feels right to you. All kids are different and different approaches work better for some kids than others. You know your baby the best, so don't get stuck on what the books say or what mom or friends say either. Good Luck!

He should be sleeping in a crib. It is not right for a child to be sleeping in bed with his parents. It is also not good for a marriage. You need your private time and your child needs to develop healthy sleeping habits, such as self-soothing and putting himself to sleep. If you don't start developing good habits now it will be much harder later. You can read a lot of responses on the message boards of people who can't get their school age child out of their bed. I would recommend having a few or several bad nights in order to have a great sleeping kid. If you are consistent and don't give in your child will eventually realize that this is how it is.

Good Luck!

Dear K.,

Hope this helps: I have a 21 month old and when he was 3 months old we went through the same thing. The first night he cried (not kidding!) for almost two hours! My hubby and I sat on the couch, supposedly watching tv, but instead we kept telling the other to be strong and not go to him and I even cried a little myself. The next night was just as bad but not quite as long. By the fourth night he was down to 40 minutes. Needless to say we were emotional wrecks, but we agreed to stick it out. It almost took two weeks but he got to the point where he only cried for 5 minutes at all. Thanks to this website, I took the advice for a mom having problems w/ going to a toddler bed - routines, routines, routines. So my son knows that first comes pj's then brushing his teeth then a book (usually the same one every night) and then he goes down in his crib with no fuss. Even for babysitters he doesn't fuss cuz he knows what is next = sleep. This routine didn't come any easier for us than the "crying it out" when he was 3 months, but I have found for my son that routines, once they know it IS a routine, stick to it and actually get upset if it is out of whack even a little.
To sum it up, be strong it may even take two weeks of nerve wracking screaming, but he will get the idea that this is where I am from now on.
Good luck - R.

When my husband and I let our daughter 'cry it out' the first week was terrible! Bella would cry for up to an hour! My husband and I would take turns walking around the block so neither one of us would be driven insane by the screaming. It is painful in the beginning, but worth it after the first 2 weeks!
Also if your son takes a pacifier, you could try putting multiple ones in his crib so that no matter where he reaches he will find one.

Are you trying to let him cry it out in the co-sleeper with you there? That isn't going to work, because he knows you're there. CIO only works (and it doesn't work for every baby) if you are not in the room. Try letting him CIO in his crib and see how that works. good luck!

Your son may not ready to soothe himself. My son did the same thing -- his screaming just intensified the longer he cried. Have you tried a pacifier? Does that help at all? My son slept in his bassinet in our room until about 6 months. Then we moved the bassinet into his room, placing the basket only, IN his crib. After a month of that, we placed him in his crib. By 10 months, he was sleeping 10-12 hours through the night!!! This is a very important time between you and your son -- this is when trust is built. He needs to know that you are there and that he can depend on you. Sounds like you tried the "crying out" thing and it didn't work -- and you didn't let him cry too long, which was great! Good job Mom!! I don't believe in letting your child cry it out. They cry because they need us, they need to be comforted. Give him some more time. It will happen.

Does he soothe himself if he gets fussy during the day? I have a four month old. If she would get fussy we would give her a few minutes to herself. Everytime it was a little bit longer. Sometimes she calms down, sometimes not. But she has become okay with having her own time. When we're home we make sure she has plenty of play time by herself. This way she feels comfortable playing by herself and we can get something done. I work full time too though. I know the few days she's at daycare, the provider is not putting her down! I just really stress the alone time when I have her.

Crying it out doesn't work for all children. In our case, it just made things worse - a lot worse. So we changed strategies toward a gentler approach. I highly recommend "the No-Cry Sleep Solution" - we actually just read several tips on the author's website www.pantley.com/elizabeth, and it helped us tremendously. I'd recommend transitioning him to his crib sooner rather than later. If he's already in the stage of not being able to soothe himself, you may as well teach him to do so in the place where you want him to do it.

I'd also recommend that you stop nursing him to sleep. It's probably very distressing to fall asleep at the breast, only to wake up alone. If you can, try to nurse him while he's awake, then rock him to sleep. That way, you can rock him a little less each time, and slowly wean him down to the point where you can lay him down awake but sleepy.

Best of luck to you!

Hi. My son had the same issues (at 5 months) and It took some patience and solid consistancy-DO NOT give in once you've started a routine, no matter what! The whole routine thing is wonderful, keep it up. What I did was start incorporating a light touch whole body massage between a book and bedtime. It gives a super personal and intimate interaction between baby and mom or dad. Then I set up a stool (or chair) right next to his crib to sit in and hum softly, even through his screaming. This way, you are still there and he will know it. Do not give in and touch him or pick him up. Be strong, I know it's so hard to do. It took six nights for my son to be able to fall asleep within five minutes. The first night he cried for over an hour, with each night the time becoming less and less. Do the same when he wakes up in the middle of the night. Go in his room, touch him lightly, then sit in the chair, keeping quiet this time. I swear to you, if you are 100% consistent and true to this method, it will work. Good luck!

Our daughter never liked her co-sleeper, but she loved sleeping in her swing (she didn't even need it swinging). Maybe your son doesn't find the co-sleeper comfortable. Anyway, good luck.

Hi K.,

I kept my baby in bed with me for 9 months and then started putting her in a crib. I had the crib in my room to begin with and started putting her down for naps in her crib. At night once I got her to fall asleep after nursing, I would put her in her crib. If she woke up, I brought her to bed with me. What your baby may be experiencing is separation anxiety. You will have to decide what works best for your baby and you. My sister let her baby cry it out and it was torcher and heart breaking. I could not do it. As my daughter got used to her crib, I eventually moved it into her bedroom and started getting her familiar with her room, doing diaper changes, playing and napping in there. It can be a long process but it pays off in the end. Hang in there!

May I suggest just keeping him in bed with you...before you know it, he'll be 15 and you'll be freaking out going "where did the time go?" Enjoy this time while he's a baby! It slips by tooooo fast! We've had all our children in bed with us and now my youngest is 2 and happy to be in his own bed, on his own time...This may not be condusive to all family situations, but it worked for us and I have 4 children...they were all in bed with us as babies and now they wake up from their beds and jump with us in the morning and it's wonderful!

good luck...hug and love that baby...

LO

Wow, you must be exhausted. My first only slept 4 hours a day and couldn't sooth herself. I finally enlisted the help of a friend and determined to let her cry herself to sleep. It took almost three hours. The next day it took only about 30 min and then the times varied between 5-20 min. By the time she was one, the would go get into bed by herself and go to sleep. Move your son to his crib, stick it out, take a shower, take it in shifts, whatever works. If you can't do this, then take him to bed with you. I have friends who have slept with their kids until they are three or four. I have three, the oldest is now 14. Good luck!

One thing that I have done with the little ones I babysit, is to turn a fan on, in the room where they are sleeping; make sure they're not too hot or too cold, and then let them cry. It may sound harsh, but eventually the crying time will lessen. It's SOOOOO hard NOT to walk in there and pick them up. Each of the little ones cried for about 45 minutes to start, and eventually it dwindled down to them just going in the crib and falling asleep. If they did wake up after too short of a nap, I wouldn't go in there until I found out if they would go back to sleep.

My guess is that he knows you are there, and doesn't understand why you're not picking him up.

I think if you are able to get him to sleep in his crib during the day, then at night it won't be such a nightmare.

I hope this helps.

The book that helped me was "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Mark Weissbluth. I used what seemed to fit my family. I also found that my daughter slept better when I transfered her out of the co-sleeper and into her own room. I think she just knew that I was close and would just get her when she made any little peep or she would stir if she heard me move around in bed. When she was in her own room, she was able to get a restful night's sleep and eventually soothe herself. I sleep trained both of my daughters at about 3 months. Good luck and hang in there!!! :)

Hi K., Try putting him down awake but sleepy and put him in another room. It will be easier for you and him to sleep. My son is 4 months and it only took a week for him to sleep thru the night. There is something about them in another room. Whenever we go on vacation and he has to sleep near me, he wakes up thru the night again. good luck! S.

My son's doctor told me to let him cry it out, When I asked how many children he had he said he didn't have any. His credibility went out the window with that. So we decided to have a "family bed" and we all slept better. He's fifteen now, he sleeps well in his own bed and has for about 11 years. In many countries the parents and children sleep very close to each other, either in the same bed or in the same room. We have no regrets and our son seems to be quite well adjusted. It's hard to let your baby cry. Our solution isn't for everyone and we received lots of criticism, especially from well meaning family. They do eventually grow out of the need to be close and warm to their parents, at least at that level.

Hi K.,

I know exactly where you are coming from. My son was a terrible sleeper and I tried everything. Even co-sleeping didn't help. I also tried the "let cry method". I lasted 2 hours and went to him...finding him in his vomit and poop. I decided I couldn't do it but it became too difficult holding him while sleeping. Neither I nor he was getting good sleep. Needless to say at 5 months I decided to sleep train him using the Ferber method. The book is called "Solve your Child's Sleep Problems" by Richard Ferber. It requires you to let him cry in increments and you would go to him to let him know you are there and not pick him up. He would often cry even more after going in but eventually it gets better. It's a longer process but my husband and I decided we just needed to do it. It may have cost us 2-3 nights of no sleep (literally the first night we had only 2 hours of sleep and he too) but it will buy you a lifetime of sleep and teach him to sleep on his own. You have to think of it as "I'm helping my child learn to sleep". It's a thick book but out of desperation I started with chapter 4 and page 74 is the quick reference page. I highly recommend it. He's a much happier baby now!!

I feel your frustration. Well I am a married mom with 3 children a daughter 15 yrs old and 2 sons 12yrs & 8yrs. I breastfed and bottle fed with breastmilk and worked out of the house. So...a few things to start. make sure your baby is well burped. It took me 20-30 minutes sometimes to burp my littlest one. He would scream and scream and then let out a huge burp. That would then get us to the 2nd part of the night...sleeping alone. I suggest putting your little one in their bed not the co-sleeper while they are still awake. Make a routine of it. I suggest turning the light out, nite light is okay, no tv or radio on. Your baby is crying but not out of fear. Remember he cannot talk to let you know he disagrees with you, so he cries and screams. It just says mom "I disagree with you". If this has been going on for the past 5 months your baby also recognizes that this is a change in routine. Baby's DO NOT manipulate, however they are smart and notice the subtlest of changes! You know you love your baby and want the best. Well guess what boundaries started 5 months ago. So make a plan with your spouse on how you will each respond. Make a habit of closing your door or the baby's so they will not sway you with the sad baby face as you walk by to get a glass of water etc. But if you give up after 45 minutes of crying that baby could be in your bed for the next 4 years!If you are okay with that, thats fine. But if you want privacy and a good nights sleep alone with your partner then just stick it out. One my kids could cry for 1 1/2 hrs! But I got used to it for the week and a half it went on. Then all was well as long as we stuck to the routine. Even when baby is being extra cute and cuddly..stick to the routine! Trust me they are gonna be cute and cuddly for years to come!

There is so much focus on our babies learning to put themselves to sleep at such early ages! Babies learn to self-soothe with the help of parents actually soothing THEM! I know, counterintuitive, but it's true. Also, some babies do well with CIO because they need to 'blow off steam' before sleepytime, but others just escalate. I have one of those. And guess what! She started putting herself to sleep at about 8 months old! I felt like she might be ready one nap time, we tried it, and it worked. I gently increased those times when she was put down awake, and eventually she would look at me after nursing at nap times and bed time like, "When are you going to put me down, lady? I want to go to sleep!"

Also, moving your babe to the crib in his own room might not be a bad idea. We had to do this recently, and now she's sleeping through the night, or just waking once. If you want to drop night-nursing, Daddy will need to be your hero, and take over soothing efforts for a week or two - and it can be pretty harrowing for a few nights, but it gets better over time.

Be gentle with your son, and be gentle with yourself. Sometimes, it seems like this big competition between moms - "Oh, MY son slept through the night at THREE MONTHS OLD!" - and everyone is sure that all you need to do is X or Y and all your problems will be solved. Not so. Even my suggestions above might not work for you. Trust your instincts.

Here's a great site for info on sleep: www.askmoxie.org. Her recent post has some good stuff in it: (http://www.askmoxie.org/2008/02/qa-rocking-baby.html)

I know it's tiring but you should definatly wait until your baby is older before trying again.

I have 9 children. They are older. They all slept with me at one time or another. I have never understood the need to seperate a child from the security of their parent. It is all just part of bring a child up in this world that is just moving way to fast for a Mama to do the proper mothering. I would just hold him. Soon enough he will grow up and not need you anymore. Mine didn't cry it out and they are all working well adjusted adults. They seem to have about the same problems as the kids that did cry it out. God Bless
T.

K.,

Do you swaddle him? My daugter is 4 months and we still swaddle her. The tighter the better. We do not nurse her to sleep though. We do the bath and then I feed her and then she stays awake for about an hour. When she starts to get sleepy (rubbs her eyes, archs her back and turns her head away) we swadle her put her in the crib with a pacifier and turn on her sleep sheep (noise maker). If she is over tired and is having trouble going to sleep by herself or if she wakes up in the night we have a small little giraffe security blanket that we put next to her cheek and she immediately calms down and can fall asleep. We take it out of the crib as soon as she is calm. I would try to start putting him the crib now - he may be waking up in the night because he smells your milk or the noise in your room. A really good book is Baby 411 - it recommends quite a few different sleep books -different methods. Hope this helps.

Maybe try a different method. Dr. Sears.com is a great resource.

Sounds like you have a son like mine. We did "cry it out" with my son and he sleeps in his own crib every night from 7:30 to 7/8 in the morning. You have to be ready to let him cry until he stops. Hayden (my son) would cry for an hour to 2 hours until he would sooth himself back to sleep. This would continue and get worse for the first 3 to 4 days and then he started cry less and less until at the end of the week he didn't cry anymore. I would suggest just doing the cry it out in his crib now so you don't have another cry it out period when you move him to his crib. The key to this working is to be consistent and don't give in! If you do (even once) it will not work! This may have been the hardest week of my life but now I have it so easy! It is totally worth it!

the CIO method is not for everyone. it was certainly not for us. i believe a big reason why kids in our society are so detached and alienated as they grow up is because of "modern day" practices like this. Why push this innocent helpless creature away from you when he wants and needs you the most? I'm just hoping you look at lots of information on both sides before continuing on with a sleep routine/training. kellymom.com and mothering.com both have excellent resources about gentle sleep training. it doesn't have to be so hard. these few years will be over before we know it. hang in there. and five months old is way young. even a lot of the big sleep training authors say some babies are not even ready for CIO until 6-9 months old so regardless of whether or not you do decide CIO is best for your family, consider at least waiting a few more months and trying again.
best to you!

You work full time, so your tiny baby doesn't have you near him during the day. The only time he has is nighttime and, for him, that's his lifeline to his mother! You're the person he needs, wants, and misses. He is screaming to have his needs met!

Years ago, before I understood the harm of allowing a child to cry it out, I let my second son scream for 40-45 minutes. I finally called the doctor who had told me to let him cry it out and he said, "First, go in and get your baby." I did and I never did that again. This is a boy whose spirit cannot be broken. Thank heavens. What if I'd done that to a less spirited child.

When we look at ancient wisdom and other societies, we see children sleeping with their parents for extended lengths of time. Each child will want to sleep in his or her own bed when they're ready. But, just like rolling over, sitting up, feeding himself, going potty, or any other developmental task, babies must be allowed to do it in their own time.

When you respond to and meet the needs of your child, your child will thrive. If you deny meeting his needs, he will develop survival skills that will direct his life, and he'll be surviving, not thriving.

While it seems like forever before children do this thing or that, and as much as we'd like to hurry them through one phase or another, if you'll just remember that this all passes way to quickly--not so much while you're in it, but later you'll understand. Co-sleeping for as long as your baby needs is important to his wellbeing, especially because he misses you all those hours every day. This is your time to give him what he needs, Mama. Please, for his sake, answer him.