Having Trouble Getting 2 Yr Old to Bed

I'm confused as to when she was adopted- birth? two yrs old? That makes a difference in the advice...
Anyway, I agree with others-- that she may just be overtired. But I would cut her some slack. Like was mentioned before, she is dealing with MAJOR culture shock (if she was old enough to remember). Western culture is the ONLY culture that does not sleep with their children, and this has only been happening for a few hundred years. Thousands of years of evolution cannot catch up with a few hundred years of isolated cultural change.
If she was adopted more recently, she may also be trying to develop trust and intimacy with her new caregiver (as well as dealing with grief and loss family of origin/familiar surroundings). Cuddle time and skin to skin contact is the best way to develop these things (very primally human. she's 2- thats "where she is"). It may be that the fights around bedtime are due to fear or mistrust and lack of control over her personal safety (again, if it was a more recent adoption). Remember, you are most likely having to start over in regards to emotional bonding/development with her. Be patient, firm but caring. I promise-- she will not be 10 and still giving you bedtime troubles. This too shall pass!
A good quick and interesting read for understanding some early human physical/social/emotional development:
"Our Babies, Ourselves"

Hi J.! Wow do you have your hands full! There is nothing worse than a tired, cranky 2yr old! First off is she still taking good naps (without Mom) durring the day? If she is then you may want to start off moving her bedtime to an earier time. Then you need her to give up Mom. Independant sleeping is one of the first life-long gifts we give to our children. Take a weekend (don't make any plans and don't count on much sleep) and bite the bullet. Expect the screaming, crying, etc. First put her to bed saying firmly and sweetly Goodnight. Leave the room. When she starts fussing go in, pat her back put her back into her bed and leave. Don't talk to her, don't get her water or anykind of interaction...and just keep on repeating til she falls asleep (this is the Nanny 911 method and it works!). It will take a couple of fussy nights and long days, but if you stick to it you will all win. It will be harder because she is older but it is something you have to deal with sooner rather than later! Best wishes and good luck.

J., As the parent of an adopted daughter, I have some advice that agrees and disagrees with the other responses. First, the advice you have been given to try putting your daughter to bed earlier is on target. Second, consistent time is key. She is kicking and hitting because she is up past her bed time. Most adoptive children do NOT need to be read to, played music to or anything else. In fact, it upsets them because the orphanages and foster homes do NOT do this. They simply lay the kids down, tell them good night and leave the room. You may want to leave a night light on in the room. I am sure she still needs her crib for security. My daughter and other adoptive children of parents I know were EXTREMELY routine oriented because of the situations prior to adoption. It makes putting them to bed almost disappointing because it is so easy IF you know the key. I stayed in the room with my daughter for the first few weeks just to let her know I was there during the adjustment time. I hope this helps!

we have found that the more tired our kids are, the more wound up they become. If they start being silly and loud and crazy, they are way overtired and it's already too late. I've heard from other parents and experienced it myself that if you put them to bed earlier, it goes much better---often we start the process at 7:30. If my 3 year old hasn't napped he is good and ready. He's much crankier, if we do it later.
We were never proponents of the kids sleeping in bed with us. we all need our space and the kids do too. so our babies slept in their rooms from infancy on. I"m not sure how you break that habit, but in my opinion the sooner the better, since the longer they do it, the more it becomes a habit. The results of working at being in separate rooms/beds are well worth the effort. Their rooms become their sanctuary and yours can be one too.

Good luck

R.

Dear J.,

Part of this situation is that she is two years old, and two year olds do not like to hear "No" and they like to have their own way.
Tell her that you will spend time playing, reading, whatever before going to bed. Then tell her it is time for bed, 10 or 15 minutes before, so that she understands what is expected of her. Toddlers like the same ritual when getting ready for bed. My children got a warm cup of milk before going to bed.
If she does not listen, a friend of mine told me that you lie down with the toddler, holding their limbs so that they cannot hurt you (if she fights you on this). Talk her through this telling her that she needs to grow and be strong for tomorrow (if she understands you) or put on a radio station that has talking so that it will be boring to her. Otherwise, try classical music (or her favorite music) which will calm her when she finally listens. The first time, they will last 10 minutes, the second time, they will last 5-7 minutes. The third-fourth night, she will last 3-5 minutes. But, before the end of the week, she will know that you mean business (what is expected of her) and there will be no problem. She is insecure and needs direction. I do not like having a child cry alone as these are the times that as a father you need to show a comfort/direction for your new little daughter. This worked for my son with no problems after the 4th day. He knew what was expected of him and he listened. Good luck, J., you have it in you!
E.

Hi J.,

I agree with some of the others, I think she is overtired, and perhaps you should move up the bed time. Ideally, you would be starting the routine before she's "acting" tired. My daughter (same age) gets like that when its too late. I also think, that if its not too much trouble, and depending on her height, I would be really tempted to put the crib back together.

If you don't want her co-sleeping with you/your wife, put a gate on her door and accept that she might sleep on the floor sometimes. If your wife doesn't mind her co-sleeping, go with it! In other cultures children sleep with their parents much, much longer. Don't be worried about what other people will think, its your family decision. (It did sound from your post, though, that you do NOT want to co-sleep. Also totally fine!)

If the decision is for her to stay in her bed, be firm and do NOT give in. Once she knows that if she screams enough you'll come in and get her, its all over. Make sure you have a clear and consistent bed time routine, if its books and music, that's fine, just stick to it.

With my daughter, I was surprised how quickly she adapted to her routine. Its true she is still in her crib, so she can't get out... but 98% of the time she just lays down nicely with all her stuffed animals and goes to bed without fussing. The other 2%, though, there is much screaming and crying, until I leave the room. Then she knows its time for bed!

Good luck!

Hi J.,

As you know already, if not, your child is suffering my grief and loss, as well as culture shock.

Now to help her get through all this.

Number 1........Do not let her sleep with you or your wife.

Number 2.......Find a support group that have parents who adopt children from other countries.

Google that. Check with your local Social Service to see if they have a list.

Google to find Guatemala folks in your local area and talk with them.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

I would see about putting her in the bed once she falls asleep. The longer she stays in bed with your wife the harder it will be to get her to sleep in her bed. I would try seeing if you put her in the bed once she goes to sleep and see if that helps. I may even put her bed back as a crib until she gets used to sleeping on her own and so she does not get out of the bed. The bed should be for you and your wife. Let her cry it out so she learns how to self soothe and go to sleep. You need your rest and should be able to sleep in your own bed.

I most definitely do not believe in letting her cry it out! Sure, it may work as far as getting her to sleep in her own bed. However, there are much more important factors involved other than where she's sleeping right now. I know you know that, but others may not realize that.

If your daughter has been adopted recently, there are so many changes she's having to adjust to. Her whole life has been turned upside down (granted, for the better, but it's still an adjustment). She needs to learn that she has parents in her life that will be there for her to love and care for her. That security was broken early on in her life (for whatever reasons she was adopted out).

Congratulations on your adoption and your new little girl! I know you and your wife must be very proud and love her dearly and want only the best for her.

Blessings,
K.

hi J.-
you seem to have answered teh question yourself if you re-read what you wrote. she seems over-tired and cranky. you may try to put her to bed earlier before she gets over-tired. adults have the same problem with sleeping when over-tired. so try putting her to bed 30 minutes earlier adn see if that helps.
J.

Congratulations on your adoption! The first thing I would try is putting her to bed earlier. Try to take note of any signals she gives before she gets to the cranky stage. For example, my niece used to start sucking in on hand or arm. If you don't pick up on any signals watch the clock to see what time she becomes cranky. Chances are it is close to the same time every night.

If you don't have a bedtime routine, establish one. Do the same things every night before bedtime. Be sure to include activities that will soothe her such as giving her a bath, reading a bedtime story, snuggling before going to the bedroom, etc.

Many of the parenting books and nanny shows will tell you that you need to be consistent with putting your children to bed and taking them back to bed if they get out of bed. No discussions. I know that is easier said than done, but it does seem to be effective. My kids didn't give us too may problems at bedtime and have always been good about staying in their beds at bedtime, so I can't give too much help there. Staying in bed was a rule we established when we put them in their big beds and they didn't test it. For a variety of reasons we kept them in their cribs until age 3, so when we told them the rule of staying in their big beds they were able to understand and comply. Sometimes at naptime they will ask to sleep on the floor. We allow that. If your daughter sleeping on the floor is acceptable to you, maybe put a sleeping bag on the floor and give her the choice of the sleeping bag or her bed. Giving her a little bit of control might help. By the way, we have gates at the bedrooms doorways to keep the kids safe in their rooms (don't want them to fall down the stairs). Even though they are now able to open them, the gates seems to have helped the kids understand they really did have to stay in their rooms/beds. Good luck to you.

hey there i can relate.my son ryan was GREAT at bedtime.8 would come and he was in bed sound asleep for 12 hours.he tunred 2 in february and i noticed bedtime getting a little later but we just had a baby so i figured no big deal.i would say in the past month or two bedtime is a nightmare for me.its a fight he refuses to go down he screams and kicks.i've tried the supernanny techniques and nothing seems to work.his new thing is if we do get him to bed he will sleep for about an hour in his bed then come into ours.the sad thing is he is so tired you can just see he is beat but he does not want to sleep.i don't have much advice for you but i can say that my son is going through the same thing so maybe its just a phase....hopefully it's just a phase.try the techiniques supernanny uses for bedtime they may work for you!
good luck!

J.,
I don't know what's going on...maybe she IS over tired. You know how that works like, the opposite--you think they'll zonk out but it turns out to be a nightmare....
Maybe put her to bed earlier each night til it's working better. Start the routine earlier and earlier every night til you're at about 8:00 (depending on her naps--does she nap?) Did you ever see the Supernanny technique where O. parent (whichever she has LESS wrapped around her finger!) sits on the floor of the room (NO eye contact, no talking) and moves a little more to the door every 15-20 minutes til you're out the door? Maybe that would work.
PLUS you're dealing with the daybed issue which means she can just get out & walk around. Was she crawling out of the crib? If not, I'd consider putting the crib back til you get the bedtime thing straightened out. Just a thought.