Having a Hard Time Being Adjusted to Being Married

Yes. See a counselor. But more than that, talk to him. Why would you agree to stay home if it was not a joint decision. I stayed home and it was 100% a joint decision. You don't have a being married problem. You have a communication problem.

Do you want to be a SAHM? Would you rather be working?

I've done both. I was a SAHM for awhile. I worked part-time jobs for a time. I went back to work full-time when my youngest was 2 1/2. There is no right answer. There are challenges to all of those choices. Being a SAHM (or parent) can be tough, financially. All of those choices are exhausting (being parent is exhausting :-) It can be a real challenge to work part-time, since most part-time jobs don't pay very much.

You have to be healthy person. If being a SAHM leaves you feeling controlled, you need to make a change. If you aren't sure what kind of change to make, seeing a counselor would probably be a good start.

It's concerning that you wonder if he is controlling you. Being a SAHM shouldn't put you in a lesser position than him. Married couples do need to compromise, but by and large they should be working together as a team. They should be discussing things and making decisions together. Granted there are areas where I trust my husband to be the expert, and there are areas where he trusts me to be the expert. But we still need to talk about things and make sure we are both on the same page.

It's difficult to know what you are truly asking, but finding someone to talk to is probably a very good idea right now.

Definitely go to counseling. Also, decide what would make you happy and not resentful and do it. You don't have to be a stay at home mom. Start getting your resume in order and apply to jobs that you would like. Start being true to yourself. My husband and I are best friends and he supports me in whatever I think is best for me...and vice versa. It's not too late...call today and set up your first weekly appointment with a therapist. If your husband IS controlling then this is going to be a hard road and I suggest marriage counseling for both of you. Insist he go too. A marriage counselor will meet with both of you separately and sometimes together. It will be a process...not a quick fix.

It's normal to find out that the precepts and philosophies instilled in us don't always work in the real world. It sounds to me like your views of marriage clash with the "I don't need a man" mantra, at least after a child came along. Being a mom - whether stay-at-home or working a paid job,

What is not sustainable is the feeling that you have been forced into being a stay-at-home mom. That smacks of fundamental inequality in your marital relationship. Can you say more about how you've been forced into this? Did you want to work after your child was born? Did he prohibit it? Were you stuck financially by not being able to afford enough quality day care to justify your working hours and salary? Is it possible that your salary was not equitable to begin with and you couldn't support half of your household (which now included a child)?

So that's one set of problems.

The other set is that you don't understand how to compromise - either because you have never done it before, or because you view compromising as caving in on your strong female role model idea, or because your husband is a more dominant (or domineering) person than you realized and therefore things aren't equal?

Without knowing more about your situation, it's hard to advise. But counseling will absolutely help you clarify your goals and values, and perhaps teach you (and your husband) the skills needed to achieve better balance. In addition, this will help you both become better parents and teach those skills to your child. So it's a win-win-win.

Yes, marriage counseling would be good.
Everyone imagines their lives will be a certain way - we make bucket lists - think we'll have accomplished certain things by a certain age - and we adjust those goals along the way.
Your husband should be your best friend - you share things and enjoy things together.
All healthy relationships have some give and take.
In some areas you will take the lead and he will in others.
You and he get to decide what defines 'normal' for you as a couple.
It may very well be that you find a good way to do things for you that no one else does - and that's fine.
Every couple has to learn conflict resolution.
A good marriage counselor can help you explore your feelings and work out the kinks your marriage is having.
Not every woman likes to be a stay at home mom.
If it's not working for you then get some daycare and get a job.

A minute ago your question looked really long, and now that I've come back, it seems really short, so maybe something got removed.

So from what I'm reading now - you're a stay at home mom, and you're not enjoying it. You are resentful of him, because you're staying home and feeling dependent on him?

Then I would suggest once your child is in school or if you can find child care, you find part time employment or full time, etc. Or volunteer, or do something for yourself - wherever you want to start.

You don't give a lot to go on here (perhaps that was has been removed). Yes, I think seeing a counsellor would be a good thing - so you can figure out what you're looking for if you don't already know.

Are you resentful of your husband or just feeling you are lacking something in your life? They are two different things.

Why would you resent him for a choice YOU made? I understand the uneasy dependent feeling you can sometimes have as a stay at home parent, I have been home with my kids for 15 years and that was never part of my plan, but it was my choice. Yes, my husband and I discussed it and decided together it would be best given our situation but the final choice was always still mine, as it was yours. You need to own that choice rather then trying to deflect it onto him and I think much of that resentment will go away. If it is a choice that now makes you unhappy then it is up to you to change your situation.

As for learning to compromise and not letting you feel controlled, that is going to take a lot of open honest communication between the two of you, learning how to listen without judgment, and learning to take a step back and trying to see things through the other person's eyes before reacting. As with many things practicing these skills will make you both better at them. Best of luck!

when you say you thought you were different, what does that mean, exactly? did you think your mom was wrong? that you do actually need a man and that you cannot make it on your own?

if that's the case, then i think it's your view of marriage that's skewed, not your mother's strong perspective.

marriage is about complementing each other, compensating for each other's weak spots, working in tandem, mutual respect and liking, shared goals. it's not about helplessness, need, controlling or being controlled.

good for you that you recognize that you're struggling on the middle ground between compromise and control. that gives you a place to start.

the way you word your SAHM position implies that you didn't choose it. that's a problem, if it is indeed as you state. being a SAHM is a tough row to hoe. i was so sad that i could not do it, i wanted it so badly, but it has to be freely chosen.

good for you for recognizing that your own attitude is what needs to be tweaked. i see no blame for your husband in your post. this is great.

yes, go see a counselor. get the tools you need to make a good decision going forward as to whether it's the marriage or the way you're thinking about your marriage.

best of luck to you.
khairete
S.

It's not too late! I would recommend seeing a counselor just so you can talk things out with a professional. They are trained to help people in all situations. And can help you!

Adjusting to marriage- even after years of being married- can be a challenge. You find yourself compromising, and sometimes sacrificing, a lot. But that’s what relationships are about. The important thing is to have open, honest communication. Are you and your husband able to discuss these issues openly? When you say you’ve been “forced” to be a SAHM mom, is it because you wanted to find work outside the home, and your husband discouraged it? Is that the only thing making you feel unhappy or insecure in the marriage?

You don’t mention how many kids you have, or their ages. I went back to work when my kids were babies. It was very hard to leave them at daycare. But they were okay. And it’s what I had to do for our family and for myself. I understand every family’s different.

Talk to your husband about your feelings. If you find that it’s difficult to find common ground, then consider counseling. Best wishes!

Well, your mom didn't do you any favors making you internalize that men aren't worth having around. That's just not helpful to anyone trying to forge a relationship.

At least you understand that this is what she did. You can and SHOULD do something about this before you ruin your marriage and hurt this man who loves you.

Go to marriage counseling. Go by yourself first. Talk about all of this. Then bring your husband with you to counseling. Your counselor needs to help you both understand the difference in controlling behavior and the normal give and take in a marriage.

I do think that you need to consider that you may also be controlling in your behavior.

Were you really "put in the position" of being a stay at home mom? Or did he make more money and you stayed home with the baby because it made more sense to? There is a difference in being made to do something (like be a stay-at-home-mom) and it making sense. This is possibly one of your problems, blaming someone else for the circumstances that life thrusts upon us.

Go figure this out. And work on having a good marriage.

If you want to go to work then get your resume updated and fresh then start submitting it.

Yes, it's nice to be a stay at home mom but for me? That's pure hell. I love being out among adults and having challenges presented that I can use my intelect to solve.

Millions of moms work. There's no reason you can't go to work if you don't want to. Babysitting isn't that big of a deal. Call around, find out the cost of care for the kids you have, then find out if any of your friends would be willing to watch your kids for a portion of that. Child care professionals are highly trained and regulated people who know they're not going to make much but do it anyway. I will always use a child care facility. But sometimes a friend or loved one is also a good choice and you can save a bit because they're not professionally trained with first aid/CPR and continuing education specifically for their job.

The difference between compromise and control is respect. If you and your husband respect each other, including respecting each other's opinions, you can come to a compromise or a decision that both of you can live with, even if one of you isn't thrilled about it.

If your husband treats your opinions with contempt, not worth considering, then that is control.

I do think that you should see a counselor, to help you figure out what you want out of your life since you are unhappy with your role as a SAHM.

Based on how you wrote your concerns here, I would encourage you to definitely seek counseling.

A good counselor can help you look at things differently, more fluid and less concrete.

What would your perfect marriage look like? How can you discuss your desires with your husband to at least open up dialog about your desires and expectations as well as his too? How can you achieve unified ground and goals for your relationship with him? Why can't you talk to him about the things he does or doesn't do that make you feel as though he is trying to control you?

A good counselor can help you navigate these questions and many more, if you do the hard work that comes with counseling. It's tough looking in the mirror at yourself and realizing you may be responsible for whatever percentage of your unhappiness and you also have the power to change the dynamic too.