Have You Ever Been Looked at like a Bad Mother by a Stranger?

If I were you, I would've been peeved too! I hate judgmental people. How can anyone know what is going on with YOU?! My girls are 8 and 10, and there were no iPhones or iPads then (or at least in my life). Just the other day I was shopping at Target and I noticed someone like you, with a little one playing on the phone. My first thought was, "man, I wish I'd had one of those when my girls were little!!" I was mildly jealous. Keep on doing what you're doing. Mean people suck.

You never know. She may have been appalled that you have two children two and under. Ignore them. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

Actually, I'll occasionally get that look from simply babywearing my son. Most people will smile and say how happy and cute wrapped against me, but some look like the wrap is harmful or bad parenting... just laugh it off!!

Who cares if you let her play with the iPhone !!! Stupid people
I swear!

Yeah I've felt that judgemental moment before , just the other day at Costco my oldest daughter cut in line to get a sample, I grabbed her by her forearm , pulled her back and said sternly " cutting in line is annoying, don't be annoying" the old lady next to me said " you aren't being annoying honey in a syrupy sweet voice and held out her hand as if to let my daughter cut on purpose. Well I wouldn't have it. I said sweetly, "no that's ok, she will wait in line with everyone else".... Then I got an eye roll.

Yeah, some people should keep their looks, and comments to themselves .

I was in the ladies bathroom with my 2 kids ages 8 and 5. My 5 year old is autistic and still in diapers. I read the weight limit of the changing table in the bathroom, 50lbs, my son is just now only 40lbs was actually around 37lbs back then.

I let my 8 year old go into a stall on her own and watch her wash her hands while I put my 5 year old onto the table. I proceed to change his diaper. I get told several times by ladies with infants waiting to use it "he is way to old to be doing that, don't you know how to potty train him? You're disgusting for doing that he's going to break the table."

I didn't say anything and kept doing what needed to be done. We went over and washed our hands alongside my daughter who was waiting. My daughter said something to the effect of people not knowing that he has autism and it's not his fault or yours(mine)that he can't use the potty yet. She said people need to be nice because we were only there maybe five minutes.

Hehe got to love kids.

I hear you. I was in the grocery store - they had just re-arranged it, and we had spent two hours in there already, just trying to find what we needed. I also needed to pick out a greeting card. There was a television near the greeting card aisle, playing a Dora cartoon. I let my 4 year-old walk about ten steps away from me - I was looking at cards at the end of the aisle, so she was in a direct line of sight for me. We live in a small town, and this is my regular grocery store, so the checkout and greeters know us (in short, everyone on the way OUT of the store) I have a well-behaved child, who stays where she ought to be, but can and will scream if approached by a stranger - and a woman came, STOOD BETWEEN ME AND MY CHILD, and berated me - verbally assaulted me! - about "stranger danger." She is standing between me and my child at this point - making the matters worse, by "defending my child," since I could see her BEFORE this woman started screaming at me, in the middle of the grocery store. When she saw my youngest, still in the cart, she actually said, "Oh, great! And you have another! Oh, yeah, you're a great mom, and should definately be having more kids. Great." In a very sarcastic voice. I had to walk away from her - away from my kid! - she chased me further away from my child, continuing to make matters worse - so that I could get around her. I actually had to turn my head and walk away. She walked off, muttering.

Coincidentally, she was parked on the same aisle I was, and was walking to her car the same time I was, too. I was so worried that she was going to get my license number and call CPS with some trumped-up story, that I came home and scrubbed the house. Nothing came of it, but at least scrubbing the kitchen floor helped calm my nerves. Wow.

Easy to judge, much harder to not judge and say to each his own. Everyone parents differently. I get where your coming from with the iphone. There are a lot of thing I swore I'd never do and now do them all the time to get through the day and week. Yes, I'm sure I get dirty looks. I've had a fair share of epic tantrums in the middle of stores from my girls. I put the "blinders" on when we are having issues. Meaning, I act like I don't see the stares and ignore people. Its so easy to judge from afar isn't it?
Ignore the looks, shaking heads, and so forth. They all have their issues and moments, you just don't get to see them.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "What other people think of you is none of your business?"

This one is very, very tough for me to internalize. OFTEN, I feel very concerned about what others (including strangers) think of me.

I'm getting some GOOD practice letting go of it though:

I am often the youngest mom at the playground by a few decades, I raise two kiddos, one of whom is not our birth child. She looks very different from our birth daughter and from us. Folks assume I'm the teenage mother of two kids from different fathers (gasp!).
Right now I have a black eye* and I am sporting my rockin' new pompadour mohawk, so I look, erm, like I'm walking out of the Mad Max movie or something ;-)

*My kids and I were playing a few days back and my four year old was trying to fly over my head. Instead kneed me in the eye. Awesome...

(((Chuckle))) Yup. I'm quite sure I've gotten some negative attention but, then again, I'm always sure folks are judging me no MATTER how I look or how I behave.

I've got myself a serious issue, you know? Like, I need outside validation/approval to feel valuable or okay about myself. It's really no fun. I've decided that I don't want to do it anymore.

So. When I catch my mind starting to spin I repeat this in my mind:
What other people think of me is none of my business.
I value myself and am doing my best to be of my greatest good.

Then I take a deep breath and start my thought process afresh. So far, it is helping me a lot.

Wow these Mamas have some good stories! You don't worry about those stares... heck w/them. Sounds like you're a great mom to me!

My stares mostly came from my son (who has an Autism diagnosis) having a pervasive interest in the bathroom. This was very hard b/c bathrooms are every where and he can spot them like a blood hound. I always used to say that if it were boats or something at least we wouldn't see them ALL the time. Anyway... he was visibly at potty training age and would ask incessantly to go to the bathroom which was of course only to check it out, not b/c he had to go. I'd have strangers come up and tell me my kid was asking for the bathroom and tell me where it was. I'd state he didn't have to go, or thank them and walk in the opposite direction. Boy did I get looks that I was denying my child's right to pee. If they only knew!!!!

I'm a cashier at wal-mart and I have had plenty of tantrum-ing kids come through my line. I always give the mom a sympathetic look because I know how that is! Lol. Sometimes after the mom and child have left, the customer behind them will say something along the lines of "I can't believe that woman just let her child scream like that. She should have just left". I always respond with, "You must not have children". Most of the time, they don't have any kids. The few who do (Or at least the ones that tell me they do). I'll add "Then you know that if a mom left the store every time her child had a tantrum, the grocery shopping would NEVER get done". That usually puts a stop to it right there.

I have only judged a parent once because of their tantrum-ing child once. It was the day after halloween. A father came through my line with his son (Maybe 3 or 4) in the basket of the cart. He bought maybe 10 items. The boy wanted a candy bar, the dad said no because the kid had gotten enough candy the night before. The kid through a fit. I gave the dad a sympathetic look because I could tell that he was obviously embarrassed.

Half an hour later, the same dad and the same kid came through my line, with about 10 more items. The boy saw the candy bars, wanted one, dad said no, boy through another fit.

Another half hour passed, the SAME dad and the SAME kid came through my line again! They bought a few more items, and the same situation with the candy bars happened.

In total, the dad and son came through my line 5 times. 5 times! By the end, I couldn't help but glare at that dad. He could have done all his shopping at once (He was purposely sorting it out and doing it separately (Buying the groceries and bringing them out to the car, buying the chemicals and bringing them out to the car, etc.). Instead he made that boy pass by those candy bars 5 times! The poor kid deserved a candy bar at that point!

It's hard to imagine that someone had a problem with your child using our iPhone given the amount of electronics most children seem to have!

I am totally sure I have been looked at that way more than once. I raised my daughter and now am raising a granddaughter so the opportunity to be seen as a "bad mother" is doubled in my case!

I for the most part don't care, but there is a little part of me that does. No one wants to be seen as a "bad" person and whether we like to admit it or not, we all care at least a little bit what others think.

Given some of the things I've seen in my more than 50 years, seeing your child with an iPhone would not have caused me to blink! Personally I think anything that keeps them occupied so you and your fellow shoppers can shop in peace is a great thing!

I'm sure I have, but I don't pay attention. If I caught someone repeatedly staring at me (regardless of eye rolling) I think I'd say "I'm sorry, but do I know you?" Not with an attitude, just a regular question.

Yes. When our twins were infants and I had them at Walmart. Both of them were pitching fits but I was checking out and not about to leave without our groceries. This man looked at me like he was totally annoyed and appalled that I didn't take them to the car. I am not confrontational at all but if he had been closer to me I would have said, "What??!! Babies cry! Get over it!". I just glared at him. It was in that moment that I quit worrying about what other people think about my parenting skills, especially complete strangers.

I think everyone has had those moments of feeling judged--out society puts way too much pressure on moms to be perfect. Besides, even if you are doing a great job you will still run into people who disagree with you about parenting style. Just ignore it as best you can. Most parents have had their embarassing moments in public too. I have had both of my kids run away, have tantrums, get time outs and get spoken to sternly in public (and they are only 3 and 6 now). Life goes on and strangers in public only have a tiny snapshot of you and your parenting decisions. And BTW, I also let my 3 year old play with my phone if she is bored and we are out someplace.

I am a person that cant keep quiet. Whether it be about me, directed at me, or something going on around me. I usually use humor as a joke. Some people get it, others dont. I usually am too flustered to look around, but I did catch a young woman giving me the stink eye. After making sure no one was around me, and she kept it up. I started acting out like my usual goof-self. She did it again and this time she was following me. I dont remember exactly what was going on in the cart, probably my girls were screaming. I also give them my Color Kindle so they can color. She again, comes around an aisle to meet me face on... she shakes her head and cluck clucks at me. I had it, I just look directly at her, then around in a terribly exaggerated manner. I just out loud asked her "are you staring at me and suckin teeth at me cause you think I am gorgeous? or do you have a problem with my kids?" I didnt get replies. She just turn shades of red, and huffed off. I dont know I just normally dont let people get to me, but occasionally I just cant help it. At least you know she wasnt worth your time thinking about her. It's still irksome.

Funny story I put my 3yo in the corner at the mall food court Ppl stared but I now have a little one who knows I am not making ideal threats

I'm sure I get those looks all the time. I don't really care what some stranger thinks, as long as they don't try to call me out in front of my children. If that happened, I'd diplomatically tell them to MYOB.

You can't be sure that the lady was judging you, but even if she was, why care?

I'm not bitchy but I am very forward when someone is RUDE to me and my children as was the case with this woman....Next time (if there is one) you say...with a sweet smile and softly but very close range and eye contact to be had, "If I followed you around all day I am certain there would be things I'd disagree with when watching you...haha" :)

Shut that behavior down...to all the moms out there thinking that it is alright to have an opinion...IT IS but it is RUDE to voice it when it is an opinion...This was not you beating your child....

Sorry you had to had this experience and sorry I got so fired up on your behalf..haha...boy, this really got me going. :)

I have gotten stares like that, and for something as simple as letting my daughter pick out a candy bar while waiting in the check out line... one lady (had a 5/6 year old with her) under her breath say 'you should not do that it will only create problems down the line.' I usually ignore any snippy remarks like that but decided to say something 'this is a rare treat for her, she did not even ask for it and it is none of your buisness.' She did not remark, sure she said enough later to some else.

It is a no win situation, if the child was screaming and melting down they would be thinking 'why do you not just leave' if you fend it off with a distraction you get a look of 'why are you letting them get addicted to that.' You would think that other mothers would be more understanding but that is not always the case.

Yeah, that happens quite a bit because my 2 year old throws tantrums most of the time in the store. I try to shop early mornings on Mon. or Tues. to avoid any crowds, but I always get a few stares and dirty looks. I don't do anything, usually just ignore them. Obviously, those who give those looks have never had a tempermental child and don't get it.

First off, I hate people like that. They need to keep their opinions to themselves. I've always engaged my daughter in conversation out shopping, pretty much since she was born, as that helps verbal skills. One time when we were out shopping when she was about 8 months old she was sitting in a cart happily "baby babbling" totally engaged with me and another mother with a child the exact same age said in a very rude voice "well you have a chatty Cathy, don't you?" like it was a horrible thing. Her child was sitting there mute, totally unengaged and she was not paying any attention to her. "Yes," I said proudly. "I do." Secondly, I think it's great that you let your daughter play educational games on your phone as a reward. As long as you limit the time there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. My little Chatty Cathy is now 6 and has her own iTouch because I got tired of sharing my phone, but she still has time limits on when she can play her educational apps. In my opinion, that woman is a worse mother for allowing her nine-year old to roll her eyes and be rude to a complete stranger! What kind of manners is she teaching??

OMG! That mom is Uber judgmental! I see far worse things at Target on a regular basis. Let it roll off your back Mama!

oh gosh! my 4 year old is always on my phone playing games (letters numbers, puzzles). i dont pay attention enough to others to see if they are giving a dirty look or not. however one time my daughter my self and a friend with her kids were at the play area in the mall. my daughter (2 at the time) climbed on top of something turned her back to the edge looked at me and let herself fall backwards on the padded floor. she did not cry and just laid there. i told her to come here please and she smiled at me and layed there still. this mom on the other side was just glaring like omg shes surely hurt type of stare. i just looked at her and replied- i know she beautiful but shes not porceline.
fyi my daughter was totally fine i gave her a once over and she had no sore spots or bruising.

My son is very tall for his age. We live in Japan. Even in the States, I think he probably is considered in the upper percentile for height for his age. He is 120 cm tall and weighs 19 kg. He is only four years old. So over here he is like a giant. I have had people think that he is 8 years old. In fact he is taller than most of the 8 year old kids in our church. Once when he was only 18 months old, we were at the mall. I had him in the stroller, and was pushing him around the Babies R Us store. We had a bag a diapers hanging off a hook on the stroller. I am pretty used to being stared at because I am a foreigner. This woman walked past me with her mother who was carrying a baby, and her son who was maybe around three years old. They totally gave me a look like they were totally shocked by something. I thought it must have been because they saw me the foreigner with a child that looked Japanese. I continued about my shopping, but couldn't shake the feeling that someone was staring at me. Then the woman came up to me along with her son. In perfect English, she looked at me and said,"You are going to make your son lazy. He is clearly old enough that he doesn't need to be sitting in a stroller being pushed around and pampered by his mama. Let me give you some advice. He should be walking now. Look at my son. He is fine." I stared at her in disbelief. Most Japanese people are shy about trying to speak English, let alone to a perfect stranger. Plus most Japanese people are more polite when talking to strangers. Yet this woman was telling me I was not being a good parent. It took me a moment to collect myself before I politely told her that my son was only 18 months old and I was going to use the stroller until he was too big to fit in it. My son preferred walking once he turned 2. Then I got the stares for having him wear a backpack that had a leash. I never used the leash. I left it tucked inside the backpack. My son was and still is very good about holding hands when out, but just in case there was a car too close, I prefered to grab the handle on the back of his backpack to pull him closer to me. Sidewalks are very narrow on very narrow streets here. Oh did I ever get the looks for making him wear the backpack. He wore it until he was about 3 1/2 when it no longer fit. I totally get what it feels like to be judged without the facts. Just try not to let it hurt you. You know the whole side, and that you are a good mom! Don't worry about what other people think at these times. You probably won't see that person again anyway. It's a waste of precious time that you could spend thinking about more important issues in your life. Let it go!

You'll never get anyplace in life if you worry about what others think of you. I haven't been judged openly about my parenting as much as my daycare "skills". It's funny really. A lot of people think they know what they would do if they ran a daycare. That is, until they try it. I wish I had a nickle for every time someone told me that they thought I was handling things wrong. But down the road they realized that my methods are thought out and my experiences sound. Daycare providers live in glass houses and we can't even have a disagreement with our teenage children or our spouses without it getting around to everyone. I used to just think that I have had to develop a thick skin and that my chosen business is rough. But recently, I've heard several bible messages about this very issue. We can not spend our lives trying to please people. God is the only one we need to concern ourselves with. When we try and please him, everyone else will be getting what they need from us, whether or not they know it.

Your story reminded me of a time when my son was 2. We were at the library with his big sisters (ages 9 and 10). While the big kids looked for books, my son settled in to play one of his favorite games on their computer (Richard Scarry's "Busytown.") The library required headphones, so he sat at the computer in his headphones while I sat next to him reading a book. The librarian came storming over and read me the riot act about how those computers were for library patrons, not babies, they were not toys, I was responsible if they were destroyed, the library was not a babysitting facility... then she actually LOOKED at my son and stopped dead.

"Well, he's actually playing it!" she said.

"He loves this game. We have it at home," I told her.

"Yes, but he's actually playing! He's using the mouse and everything! I have teenagers come in here who can't use a mouse that well!" Then she went on and on as though my child was some sort of amazing prodigy. :)

No matter WHAT you do, or how and why you do it, someone will tell you that you're wrong. It's exhausting and maddening, and makes a tough job harder, but people do it anyway. It's easy to say, "Don't let it get to you" and much harder to do it. Still, that's the only way to reasonably get through the assumptions and judgement - don't let it get to you.

It sounds like you're a great mom. You can't let those people bother you. Although I would want to yell at them too! You don't want to make a scene in front of your kids either because you don't want them to feel like they're doing something wrong. My son uses my phone for his games too when I need to keep him quiet and happy for awhile. My cousins have a 2 year old daughter that plays games on the Ipad and their Iphone. It is just normal for kids to do this now. We didn't have these things when we were young so some parents still think it's weird. I find you mostly get comments from older people who grew up differently. Don't let them stress you!

Hello, You are going to come across people like that all of the time. Don't let them make you feel bad. When you are out shopping, anything that can entertain your child and still teach them is a good thing. I have a three year old granddaughter who has Down Syndrome. Any way we can help her to learn more is good. She wants to run wild when we are in the mall. This is not safe, so it's anything goes to keep her happy. I can't wait until the weather allows her to go to the park and just run.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I have a special needs son who could not sit still when he was younger. It wasn't a discipline problem, he had a head injury that caused excessive hyperactivity. When he was 2-4 years of age, if we went out to eat, we brought our portable DVD player. It was the only way my husband and I could have a quiet dinner without chasing him all over. We had many people comment or give us looks. My husband and I would just shrug. Sometimes we do these things to make our lives easier, and we have to let others have their opinions knowing that we have a good reason for our decisions.

For people who actually said something, I would usually retort with a flip comment like "We want our son to turn into a couch potato when he grows up." That usually raised more eyebrows, but you can be sure it shut them up.

How do you know they weren't looking at you because your hair was a mess? Who cares? But, you sound defensive, so, I wonder if you think the phone is a bad idea. My kids LOVE video games, and they don't like the educational ones!

Yes, have been there! You did absolutely the right thing by rewarding your daughter for behaving well! Believe me, they're the first ones who would have given you dirty looks if your child had been throwing a tantrum! They're not worth a second look or thought. Enjoy this precious time with your girls and don't worry about what anyone else thinks!