Have I Deprived My Child?

You're a wonderful mother! I was never in daycare as a child, and I'm pretty socialable. I can't remember loving school much ever, but I did well at it and never felt like I missed out. You gave her the best gift ever - time with mommy! Daycare is nice, too. My son goes part-time, and I think it is good for him (if not me), but I don't think there's any right way to do things.

Absolutely not, you have not deprived your child (in fact I am jealous). This obsession with daycare, play dates etc. is new. Not long ago it was more common to not have your child go anywhere until 4 or 5 and then only for 1/2 days. I think we all turned out just fine and in some ways better since we did have that time to just be a child & not have the busy schedules so many children have today.

As for your concern with her younger cousin. Don't be. Most children naturally know the "pecking" order of older to younger and know when a smaller child should be treated more gently. I am sure when a child her own age/size tries to bully her or take toys she will stand up for herself.

Kim, our children have the rest of their lives to be in social environments outside of our scope. We as moms have such a short time to be their hero. I was home with both of mine until they were 5 & 3. During that time, they went to bible class, MOPS, a play group and had cousins & neighbors to play with from time to time, one of my children has always been more social than the other. I believe your child's ability to tolerate other people is more about what you and your husband model for her and about her personality than how many social opportunities she has been given. The fact that she already has a relationship with the cousin could also be part of the reason she was so tolerant of the bad behavior. You are doing just fine!!! Believe in yourself!

You have not deprived your child in anyway. You have enriched her. Children do not develop good social skills from other children. They learn them from adults that intervene when children are behaving badly. Her lack of response to her cousin is likely just that her personality is more laid back. His is more aggressive.

You have given your daughter everything she needs to succeed. You have nurtured her, loved her, met her needs and given her many positive experiences. You are a GREAT MOM! Don't let anyone tell you that you didn't do enough.

Hi Kim,

You have not deprived your child at all...just think of years ago when children never went to anything before kindergarten. There were some kindergartens that only did half-days or every other day. Now, we are getting grants from the gov't so that all 4 year olds can go to pre-school and out county is having them go 2 full days one week and 3 full days the next and they are sequential days. I think it is crazy!!! I think this is too much! Why do we push our children so hard...why can't we just let them be little for just awhile?!

I think you have done a wonderful job. One year of preschool is more than enough.

As far as standing up for herself...there are always all kinds of children in this world...just be thankful your child is not the bully.

C.

You did a wonderful thing for your child by being home with her. Both you and she have benefited in so many ways. You and she are very lucky to have had that time together. She has experienced so many things she could not have if she were in daycare. You did a great thing - you were a parent to your child.
S.
mom of 3 and daycare provider

My daughter has been in Center daycare since she was 4 mo's, and just so you know...hindsight is always 20/20. Every parent questions every decision they make, as I have often questioned having her in a Center vs. Home, or even my staying home...so try not to be too hard on yourself.

Just so you know,...even though my child has been in daycare since an infant(now 4+), doesn't mean that she is NOT going to be picked on or vise-versa. We teach her values to be nice to everyone and never to hit teaching about why we treat people the way we do. Bullying will ALWAYS be an issue and keeping your child from daycare for 4 years did not teach your child to be bullied and not stand up for herself. There is a fine line in teaching about bullying vs. self defense. Some children are just more of the bullying type and I honestly believe that even at young ages, ALL children experience bullying either by doing it or being a victim of it. I sort of hope that all kids sort of take their turns being picked on at young ages so they ALL can feel how terribile it is to be picked on and singled out. Then, us parents and teachers can use their feelings as a way to relate to others when they themselves are the bullies. If it happens at young ages, hopefully they'll learn the lessons they need to cope when they get into jr.high and highschool where bullying is REALLY bad.

So, talk about the bullying issue with her and how we should never treat people meanly...and if you see someone being mean to someone else, or to you, stick up for them and help so that they don't feel hurt or sad.

I once picked up my daughter only to find her hair in someone elses hands while she just sat there and played with a toy upside down because the boy had her hair wound so tight around his hands that she couldn't move. She wasn't crying, but it was a perfect opportunity to teach her the lesson about standing up for herself.

Then, not too long after, when picking up my daughter, I saw her help a younger boy in the room after a bulling child started picking on him...she pushed the bully down on his butt for picking on her younger friend who didn't defend herself and was crying. Not that I condone that behavior, deep down in my heart, I was proud of her for sticking up to that bully and protecting her friend...even if it got her in trouble with the teacher, I believe she made the right decision.

So, use those experiences as lessons. I believe it's the only true way for children to relate to how others feel. And, again...don't be too hard on yourself for NOT putting her in daycare.

Building relationships and social skills never come too late and she'll catch on quickly no matter what the issue's are. She'll learn, children are spunges. You never know...perhaps keeping your child at home made her a nicer person in the long run for not being corrupted by the bad behaviors of others. It's truely amazing what kids pick up from other kids...and many are not good.

I'm not quite sure about depriving your child of socialization before preschool but I can speak for the lack of sticking up for herself....
My daughter will be 2 on Sunday and she doesn't stick up for herself either! She goes to daycare for a few hours a day, a couple days a week, and frequently plays with our neighbor girls who range in age from 1-3. The other kids at daycare, and also my neighbor girls all are in that "mine" stage and can't seem to share (as most kids are at this age). They get really angry when another child takes something away. My daughter however just pouts and says "Kenzie ball" or something along that line when another child takes her ball or something else away. She makes no effort to get the toy back! She also usually stands on the sidelines and watches vs. getting right in and doing things that the other kids are doing. My husband is worried, like you, that our daughter is a push-over. I however, think that she's just fine. Some kids are just a little more shy and are not as outspoken-it's just their personality! My daughter can get aggressive when she wants to be, but tends to be more mellow, and I'm just fine with that. Your daughter may come out of her shell a little more when she starts daycare, but she may just have a more mellow personality too!

Kim -- you are doing just fine! I've always worked and have truly enjoyed my kids being in daycare....they have GREAT social skills from it. Be happy that you had the chance to be at home with her and now let her learn her own independence and social status. With her in daycare -- your evenings will be that much more special! ENJOY!

You're doing a good job!!

There are enough things to feel guilty about as a mother while your children are growing up. Doing what you thought was best for them when you decided to keep them home is not something you should feel guilty about. You said yourself that it isn't like you were isolating them from all other children. Your kids will adapt as they need to and you should be proud of yourself for being such a good mom that you spent all that time with your kids when they were young and needed you. There are many parents who envy the amount of time you spent with them.

Just continue doing what you think is best for your kids. Teach your children to be independent thinkers and self-confident and thoughtful of others. That will give the the skills they need to cope with others. Perhaps she recognized that her cousin is younger and it was easier just to give the toy up then to fight about it. That doesn't make her a pushover.

You're doing a good job!!

Its great that you got the chance to stay home with your kids for this long. Preschool is a great thing for kids too. You are not a bad mom, your child just has that laid back kind of attitude. I wouldnt worry too much about other kids. She will either find a friend who will help defend her, or she will learn to defend herself, but most likely she just wont care enough either way and let it go. My son is the same way. He is so laid back that he lets his sister get away with a lot of things, including taking his stuff and so on. Lately he has been defending some of his toys that he loves, like his nintendo ds. At school, he has some friends who he always plays with, so when the bullies come around, he just ignores them, or one of his friends chase them off. Good Luck!

Kim,

My oldest daughter was only in daycare until she was 2 1/2 (now 10 1/2) and never went to preschool. She went straight to kindergarten and she is just fine!!!

My Son is 4 1/2 and has always been home with me. I did do daycare for a year, but I only had a child close to his age for about 8 months. He plays fine when we get together with our friends son who is the same age and our nephew who is 1yr older.

When we went in for the kindergarten screening, I told them I wanted to get our son in preschool so that he would have the interaction with other kids. They said that wan't recessary if that was the only reason we wanted to put him in preschool.

Don't feel you deprived your child of anything. I think you made the best choice by staying home with your daughter. The parent is the best care giver your child can get (my opinion).

Kim,
You are doing great! My son didn't start preschool until he was 4 also. I subbed when he was born and he stayed with my MIL. He and little sis were never in day care. We would get together with our friends that had kids so he did have a bit of interaction just like your daughter. We moved 10 hours away just after his 4th birthday. We had already checked out the preschool and he started in November right after we moved up. I don't think your daughter will have a problem standing up for herself. My son was a quiet/calm child and i thought the same thing about him. The preschool was wonderful, excellent teachers. He was in the program for 2 years then started kindergarten last year. He really grew socially and now a confidant almost 7 year old who will enter 1st. grade this Sept. We ended up putting our daughter in the same program last year since it's for 3-5 yr olds. Due to where we live her only play mate is her older brother so we thought it would a good idea. I had also noticed a speech problem so we were able to have her evaluated there at school and start sessions with the ISD therapist. YOur daughter will be fine. You might have a hard time leaving her though! Our teachers have the parents come up with a good-bye routine. My husband and I (after everything is hung up, etcl) say I'll pick you up after lunch. Then give them a hug, kiss and a high-five. Then you have to walk out the door!!!! Even if they don't want you to leave. The teacher will probably have them engaged in something by then anyhow. It was hard for a few weeks with my son but by going back for one more hug/kiss it only makes it worse. Stick to the routine. She'll have a great time:)

You are definitely not a bad mother for waiting. Kids need as much time with their parents as possible! Your love and attention thus far will only help her.
Sure, she might have a hard time at first, but she'll be just fine.
We didn't put our oldest in preschool until last year when he was almost 5 (he has a late birthday), and then it was only because he wanted to go to school SO BADLY and didn't want to have to wait another year when he would be able to go to Kindergarten. I was expecting it to be more difficult, but he loved it! The teacher was great and my son made friends quickly.

Social skills are the only thing your child missed out on with not going to preschool and she learned those from being around other children. What she gained was much more, your family values instead of a caregivers, your time and attention which gives security to her, boundless love which helps with her total well being. I stayed home with my kids until my youngest was 5. I sometimes wish I would have stayed home with them all through their school years also. I wouldn't give up those years for any amount of money, so please don't sell yourself short. Pre-school will be great fun for your daughter and it will prepare her for kindergarten. It will teach her some of those social skills she didn't get by not going to day care and you can't get by not interacting with strangers and making new friends. She will do fine.

About the dealing with the 2 year old who doesn't like to share. I had that problem with my 21 month old grandchild and my great niece who is 2. My niece would take things away from my granddaughter and she did it sneakly where we couldn't catch her in the act as well. I finally told my granddaughter that she doesn't have to give up toys when someone tries to take them away. She can say "NO" or "don't". This seemed to work because her momma took something away from her and she looked at her momma and said "Don't!". She stands her own with my niece now and that helps. I do intervine if I see something happening like hitting or hairpulling (usually it would be my granddaughter who does the hitting though) by putting the child in time out. I also let my niece know that she may not take away Emma's toys and if she did, she wouldn't be able to play with it anymore. If this is a problem at your house, it is easier... if it is mostly at your nieces house, take along some of your daughter's favorite toys and when the niece wants to play with them, make sure she understands that sharing is a two way street. I do this when we go to my parents house with my granddaughter. My parents babysit my great niece and this way Emma has her own toys if my niece isn't sharing well. It usually works that my niece wants my granddaughters toys and I tell her if she doesn't share her toys, she can't play with Emma's either.

Explain to your daughter that she doesn't have to put up with someone taking her toys or pulling her hair. I would hope the mother would put the child in time out when this happens, if not, then give your child the words she needs to tell her cousin she doesn't like having her hair pulled. You could intervine if her parent doesn't by telling her "don't pull hair, it isn't nice" or if she takes a toy away, take it back and give it back to your daughter telling her "you may NOT take toys away". I do this with my great niece and it has helped.