Have Another Child - or Not?

Matisse....wow! "only children are a disservice to the rest of society". Probably the most ignorant thing I have read in a long while.

I think this is a personal issue, but we had this discussion about #3. My son (#2) is very active and can be exhausting, so I know where you are coming from. It took a long time to convince my husband (who will tell everyone that he is doing it for me) and we had the same concerns. I think I was almost to the point of not doing it when he came around. I have no idea how we will manage it, but we didn't know how we would manage 2 and we do. My own brother had issues and we never got a long and I always wished that my parents had another child and they always wished that also. So that played a factor in my decision. Good luck- I have several friends that stuck with one and they are all fine with their decisions too.

I'm in my 60's and have known at least 4 dozen women who at one time or another desperately wished for another baby. I always thought little babies were the most wonderful thing in the world. But I stopped at one
for good, practical reasons, and have never regretted it.

(Added: My single daughter was/is an outstanding, thoughtful, generous person, and so is her single 5yo son. Neither is likely to become a 'disservice to society' at any point in their lives – yikes, what a statement, Matisse!)

Nor have most of the families I've known ever regretted stopping with the one or two they had. But a few women who went ahead and had more did regret it, for any number of reasons. Of course they loved all their children, but some had children who turned out to be one too many for the emotional, financial, or energy resources of the parents. Some seriously affected the quality of life for existing children. Sometimes because a child was born with expensive medical problems, or ADHD, or because one of the parents' health failed. Some ended up divorced and trying to raise too many kids on their own. It has surprised me how often I've seen regret become a fixture in a family (though the parents I know bear it bravely and seldom complain).

On the other hand, in many, many conversations with my women friends, we have all reflected on the sheer joy of realizing our blessings, whether that was one child or two, or in a couple of cases, no children in spite of trying for years. If one can come to terms with the limitations of one's life, we can generally find a way to live fully and joyously within those boundaries. Please don't ever give your son a hint that he is not 'enough' to make you happy. Or that he can't / shouldn't be happy as an only child.

And keep in mind that many onlies are happy, well adjusted children. About half of American families now have only children. They get to choose close friends, brothers and sisters as they move through life. Siblings are not guaranteed good companions or emotional support in childhood or in later years. I have two extremely needy sisters, in addition to a mom who's failing and needing growing amounts of my attention. I can't spread myself any thinner. I not only get no help from my sisters, I get complaints that I'm not being there for them.

There's also the health of our beautiful planet to consider. Past generations should have been paying closer attention. They didn't, so parents today would do well to educate themselves. The population curve is no longer a gradual upward slope; it's a line running almost straight up. We'll soon be at a tipping point that will jeopardize the well-being of all the children we're bringing onto the Earth, and the very climate we depend upon will no longer be able to maintain itself.

Nature guarantees the future of the human species by making babies "feel" so desirable, in spite of the pain, discomforts, and sacrifices of birthing and raising them. That does not mean we can reasonably go on seeking to fulfill that hunger, any more than we can possibly eat all the food that would taste good. Baby hunger is hormonal, it's cultural, it's emotional, it's familial, and will probably be there no matter how many babies some of us have. But we don't have to dwell on it. We can live fully and be fulfilled in spite of it.

It is a choice. We who get past it focus on being thankful, and we let go of unrealistic or impractical dreams, and we live, right now in this amazing moment with the amazing child(ren) we do have. And if we're so lucky, we have a loving husband right there beside us.

Well, only you know the right answer to this question for your family. What I can tell you from my own experience is that no matter how hard it is having one child, having 2 kids is TEN TIMES HARDER. (Not twice as hard, as you might think.) I can't explain why that is, but it's true. Ten times harder. I grew up as a perfectly happy only child, and was talked into having a second child by my husband and several well-meaning friends (who all, now that I'm thinking about it, HATE their grown siblings). Don't get me wrong, I love my younger child just as much as my older child, but I wish that I had not been harassed into having a second child just because everyone said how great it would be for them to have each other (they're like oil and water - opposite personalities and do not get along very well), and how I couldn't possibly be fulfilled with "only" one child. What a bunch of hogwash!

Here's the thing. You're not even into the "terrible" twos yet. Your little guy is still in the super cute baby stage. Pretty soon he'll be painting the cat green and putting crayons in your dryer and brushing his teeth with your new tube of mascara and filling all your nice shoes with hair conditioner (yes, my children did these things as 2 year olds). Now just imagine a colicky newborn on top of that! Wheeee!

Far be it from me to dissuade you from having another child. But if you're feeling run down from having one, think long and hard before you have another... just friendly advice from a mama who has been there and done that! =)

Enjoy the child you have. By your own admission your husband takes the larger roll and you have a lot of anxiety over "what ifs" with just one child. If things feel better for both you and your husband in a few years, consider adoption and taking a equal roll.

Blessings.....

I appreciate your post, because I have been grieving our decision to have only one. I am mainly posting to say you are not alone in the struggle, whatever you decide. Having read some of the other responses I am going to say two more things.

Matisse, you just insulted my child. She is the brightest child in her class (according to her teacher), and one of the most attractive (complete strangers have been coming to me since her birth and telling me how stunning she is). She is generous and loving and the only "disadvantage" about being an only child is that she enjoys the company of adults as much as other children. The world is, and will be, a better place because she is in it. How dare you say it is a disservice to society that she is an only child.

Peg M, thanks again for giving a different perspective than those of us in our child-bearing years have.

In reading your post, I noticed that you spent about 3/4 of the post giving reasons against having another child and about 1/4 saying why you wanted another. I think that's telling.

I had my daughter 4 days before I turned 41 and her father was 48. I loved being pregnant, childbirth was an amazing experience, and raising a baby was wonderful, hard and exhausting! I at times wished I could go through the pregnancy and birth part again without having another baby to raise!!

There is no "right" number of children to make a family. My daughter is the most sharing, outgoing, engaging child I know (and everyone else tells me the same). I am not doing a "disservice to society" by not having another child that would have been risky based on my age, that would be a difficult financial obligation, and would make me a stressed-out exhausted mom.

I have three siblings, all close in age, but that's all. We get together or talk 2-3 times a year, we have little in common except our history. There is no guarantee that siblings will bond, or even like each other. When we lost our mother to a drunk driver, it was comforting to have all of us in it together, but we were lucky, many families fight at times like that, I see it all the time.

I know a family with 8 children - three of whom have died accidental deaths. The mother became depressed after the 2nd loss and never recovered her mental health. Having more children does not make losing a child easier.

Enjoy what you have.

I became a mother for the 1st time at 33. I was an only child, so I really wanted to have more than 1 child. 1 week after my daughter was born we found out she has Cystic Fibrosis and 10 months after her birth I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I still longed to have another child. I did not want my daughter to grow up being an only child.

My husband and I had many LONG talks about it. My husband is a stay-at-home dad. He is also trying to start up a business that is his dream but it is a slow process when doing it while talking care of a 3 year old.

We decided together that we needed to accept and be happy with our family the way it is... just the 3 of us. There are too many factors in our lives already and it would not be fair to add another baby to that. And older mothers have a much greater chance of having a child with disabilities. You need to consider how you would deal with that in your lives.

Some days I feel bad knowing I will never carry another baby and watch him/her grow. Someday if our circumstances change... we could consider adopting. But right now, it would not be fair to my husband or my daughter for me to have another child because I would be doing it for purely selfish reasons.

Like you said, it is such a personal choice. You have to weigh your desire against the possible negative outcomes of your decision. Just know that I completely understand how difficult this decision is for you because it was (is) so difficult for me too. Do what is best for you and your family.

My first child was just like yours and we had another one thinking we were due for an easy baby/toddler. Hah! Second one was almost just as colicky and an equally challenging toddler. The first one ultimately mellowed at about age 6, but #2 is now 11 and still a handful. That said, we are very happy to have him (but he is one of the reasons there isn't a #3). (-: As you said, this is such a personal decision. I think your post sounds like you would be o.k. and even pretty happy stopping at one. I also disagree with the other poster's comment that only children are a disservice to society. Both my mom and my husband are well-adjusted only children. I mentor a group of 8th grade girls in my church and the most respectful girl in the group and my favorite is an only child. Here is another perspective on only children though--my husband and my mom both struggle with taking care of their own mothers. My grandma is almost 89 and in declining health. My mom isn't in very good health either so my dad, my brother and I pitch in a lot to help care for grandma. I assume having a sibling would've taken some responsibility off of my mom, but not necessarily. My husband's mom also has some issues and really no close personal friends outside of our family. She has financial issues. I worry that we will be solely responsible for her. After my first colicky baby a co-worker asked me if I would have another and I said yes and explained the situations with my husband and mother. Then I realized I was talking about having another baby to protect my oldest from me!! Actually, we wanted a second baby regardless and there was never any serious consideration that we wouldn't have a second baby. As other posters have said, two are definitely more work. As they get older they fight (mine do) and the school conferences, juggling activities, etc. is double. I also think there are times they would be really bored if they didn't have each other. As with anything, there are pros and cons either way. Good luck!

"scene in the movie "In the bedroom" comes to my mind, where after their college-age son (only child) was killed by an ex-husband of his girlfriend, the parents regret not having another child" - That's a bad concept that I read out of that... like their child could be replaced if only they had another one..

ANYWAYS, lol, Have you thought about adopting? As you said about the complications (I was going to say it if you didn't :)). It is hard if it's not a mutual want and if it's not I would say NO. The last thing to do is have another baby or adopt a baby that the other person doesn't 100% want.

I do want to say that if you are feeling like another baby, but your husband does a large majority of the baby work now then just equal the load out and maybe it will subside your wanting a new baby. I agree with another mom, he hasn't hit terrible twos... my daughter just did and right now I'm like why did I want more children lmao.

Well, I have a very high energy first child and we had a second one anyway. My husband and I both grew up in 2 child families and so that was always our plan. It was getting easier when my son turned 2 (or so I thought). We talked about trying for a second and got pregnant immediately on pretty much the first try (6 weeks after my son turned 2 and I was 37 then!). Then I struggled to keep with a high energy 2 year through my whole pregnancy (exhausting and stressful). The pregnancy and first 6 months to a year were very hard juggling 2 kids. I'm a SAHM but I put my 3 year old into preschool half days to keep my sanity. However, now that my little one is 2 it is getting better. Still, we are both always very tired.

I do not regret having a second child at all! I might have done some things differently and of course time and money are always tight. But I love my daughter so much it is worth it. I feel much more connected to her and she is an easier going child. I'd love another child like her (but I do not want the chance of getting another like my son--I love him but it is always so much work with him). I'm 40 now and had a hard time with pregnancy and delivery so I am done. Another of my friends has 2 kids a little closer together than mine (she is my age and her kids are a little younger--she had both between 35 and 40 though). She is very happy having her 2. But she has the perk of a husband who is semi-retired (retired from a civil service job and no longer works full time).

Obviously it is something you and your husband have to decide. It will be exhausting for at least a while--expect at least 1-2 years of having very little free time for anything other than raising kids. (My friends say it get much better once the youngest one is 4 or 5.) Arrange as much help as you can with a toddler and a new baby. A lot of families manage with 2 kids close in age so it is hard but doable if you want to do it.

Funny, I posted a very similar question about two years ago... I now have a 3 year old and a 6 mos. old, so obviously I took the leap into having a second. I'm not going to lie - money is VERY tight sometimes... But it's just money. And there are days I feel like I'm going to lose my mind trying to juggle both girls - nobody told me it would be SO HARD!!! Harder than anything I've ever done. And sometimes I think I was crazy to have the second. But then I hear my 3 year old go up to another kid in the park, point at the stroller and proudly say "That's MY little sister!" Seeing the two of them laugh together, cuddle and give hugs and kisses makes it SO worth it. And makes me so positive that I made the right decision. When it's super hard I just remind myself that this very young, very difficult stage is only temporary. Life is short, and life would be boring without stress and challenges - I say go for it!

Just do it, if you can afford to...this age/time will pass and then they'll both be enjoyable!!

I am a 42 year old mom of a singleton age 4. I can relate to almost everything that you are saying or experiencing, except that I am a stay at home mom. I so wish that I had another child, but just know that for my husband and I, it isn't going to happen. I grew up with a brother, and have always dreamed that my child would have a sibiling. I think about my daughter being left alone if something ever happened to my hubby and/or I. I think about finances especially since retirement and college are going to fall about the same time. Scared that if we tried again, our chances of having a special needs child is much higher and for me that would not be an issue, but that would be very hard for my hubby. My husband does not want another at all - he loves our child with all his heart and is a wonderful father, but the thought of another stresses him out too much.

I love that we will be able to provide more experiences for our child. Our life has changed, but we are still able to do many of the things we enjoyed before having our child, but with our child. Had we had a second, we might not be able to. We wanted to be able for one of us to stay at home and raise our child and with two, that would have been harder for us.

Remember this....it isn't your and your husbands sole responsibility to pay for everything and provide everything for your child other than a loving, stable, healthy life. There are ways to pay for college, finances will always be questioned or tight, major life events happen that rock our world....All these things will work themselves out. You will find a way to make them happen. The one thing that stands strong is love and family....and kids are the most amazing part of that. One or many, kids are a blessing. They touch lives in ways that are amazing.

I really don't think there is one right answer but it is something that you will figure out with your husband because for each family it is unique and different. Many families have children later in life and you know what, that is awesome. I have lived a lot of my life already and can say that there was nothing I wanted more than my child and I feel like I am having the best experience ever being at the age I am. I don't think I would have enjoyed it as much being younger. So, if it is something you both agree that you want (to have a second child), I say go for it.

I am sorry I rambled....I know exactly how you feel though. I was there about two years ago, but after really talking with my hubby, we came to the conclusion that one was perfect for us. I still long for a second, but am totally and completely happy with my one beautiful child.

M.,
My husband and I are a few years younger than you, but we had similar concerns before having # 2. Our first was (and continues to be) a lively, smart child who is a handful and has aged me more than I thought was possible. = ) Although I will say, it seems to get a little bit easier as they get older. Anyway, I was more in your husband's position as I am the primary caregiver and gave up more of my career for raising the children so I knew that having a second would require even more sacrifice on my part (although my husband is a very involved father). Obviously it is a tough decision but I grew up witih seven siblings and it was such a positive experience for me that I really wanted my child to have the opportunity to have at least one sibling. I can honestly say that we have no regrets about having the second. It has been really fun to see their differences and has given me one more opportunity to enjoy mothering For us, having a second feels like it completed our family. But each family is different. No matter what you decide, don't let anyone make you feel guilty once you! I wish you wisdom as you make this decision and peace for both you and your husband!

I'm in the same boat you are in. I have the same concerns as you, though I also worry about what it will be like to have two teenagers when I'm sixty. Will I have the energy to deal with all of that drama teenagers seem to have?
My husband and I decided to leave it up to God, so we are not using birth control but I'm not getting all crazy with the ovulation calender and planning and stuff that I did with our first child.

Just do it...

And how do families with multiples pay for school? They use the public school system!

I personally think only children are a disservice to the rest of society, but I know this isn't a very popular opinion. I just love the "adults don't share either' line. Yes they do. Team work requires sucking it up and letting others take credit for your work all the time. If you want another, have it. You only live once.

I have four children. My first had colic and was lactose intolerant. She was a handful. I told anyone who would listen this is it! I couldn't possibly deal with anymore children.
Well, three more later, everything was fine. My last was born while I was in my early thirties. He is now 12 and I am definitely feeling my age with this one. I am not as quick and evidently not as hip..lol But, with that being said, I would never have given up the opportunity to have more children. I love having a bigger family and think I would have always regretted not doing it.
So no matter what age you are at some point in time you will start to feel your age and have to deal with your children. For you, it just may be a little earlier. So my advice would be to go for it….HTH