Has Anyone Been Able to Convince a Son to Stop Talking This Way?

I think it would be helpful if you could provide some examples of what he is saying because I can't tell from this whether or not he's being offensive or if you're somewhat repressed and view any talk of reproductive health as taboo. Excluding your children from health class is, frankly, an odd choice. There is no reason for both boys and girls to not understand the reproductive development of both themselves and the opposite gender. Ignorance = unexpected babies.

You say that you think this kind of education should be up to parents, yet admit that you're not sure that your 17-year-old knows anything about menstruation so clearly, you're NOT teaching this at home and you are letting your sons grow up ignorant of things that they should know about. If you're going to take on the responsibility of teaching your kids about sexual health, you have to actually, you know, TEACH them.

So. Either his comments are legitimately crude and unacceptable, or they're not and you're overreacting. In any case, he's clearly trying to get your attention and is behaving in ways that aren't typical for his age. He's acting very immature, but perhaps he's obsessed with this because instead of making it a normal part of health education, you've made it a big deal by avoiding it?

I would use this as an opportunity to sit down with him and have a frank talk. Call him on this: "hey, you seem to pay a lot of attention to menstruation and it occurs to me that dad and I never really talked openly about the health class content that we didn't allow you to learn in school. So let's change that and make sure that you know what you need to know. Because if you keep talking about it crudely and immaturely, I'm going to assume it's because you have questions or are curious and don't know how to ask question, and that's on dad & me, because of course this is awkward and you're not going to ask questions. So, here we go..." and talk, and talk, and listen and talk.

Then wrap up by letting him know that if he continues to act like a clown about this, you'll assume he's too immature for the rest of his 14-year-old life and will treat him accordingly...no phone, limited computer access, no un-chaperoned social events, no T- or M-rated video games, etc. Give him a chance to learn (and please fill your 17 year old in while you're at it), then be firm that acting juvenile about this or any other aspect of sexual health will relegate him to being treated like a 10 year old until he can learn to control himself and get over it.

If I were you, I'd have a conversation about periods with him every time he brings it up.
I'd talk about tampons, pads, menstrual cups and cramps and bloating.
I'd talk about moodiness, PMS and all the 'fun' that brings.
I'd talk about how to get blood stains out of clothing and bedding.
I'd talk about how you can still get pregnant if you have sex while you're having a period.
Basically I'd take the 'forbidden' aspect out of the topic and talk with him about it from a first person perspective.
After all - half the people on the planet are female and we deal with this from about 11 yrs old till menopause (talk about menopause too - the hot flashes - everything).
And then I'd ask him why he's so interested about it.
Does he want to be a gynecologist when he grows up?

Additional:
Sometimes the way you get a child to act more mature is to treat him like he is and make the expectation that he WILL be more mature.
You know your kid best and not every method will work with every kid.
If you take the embarrassment out of natural functions for YOU then HE has less fuel to add to his fire.
And - when all is said and done, someday when he's a parent and struggling with this sort of this with a kid of his own - you'll be able to sit back and laugh and remind him "Hey, remember when you were 14 and wouldn't stop talking about periods?".
You'll get through this eventually.
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.

I think the problem is that you've waited so long to share basic info with them, he's making a big deal about it. You say you don't even know if your 17 year old knows this info? How can you not know that? If you wanted your kids exempt from the film and class so that you could teach them yourself, but then you didn't teach them after all. So kids like your sons hear talk about it from other kids (who have to learn about it because, after all, girls are getting periods at 11 years old), they feel embarrassed that they know nothing, and so they overreact by shooting off their mouths about "forbidden" topics. Your children NEED info. This is basic science and health info. If you think they shouldn't know about it because somehow they won't have sex or get someone pregnant, I think you've got it backwards. The kids with little info are the ones who think this is really exotic stuff, and they want to be involved with it (through words or actions) precisely because their parents object.

You need to teach your son what's appropriate, not by telling him he'll offend girls, but by telling him the proper way to ask questions about these subjects from his parents. That means a respectful exchange, with questions encouraged and answered objectively by you. You can infuse your values into it, but you don't get anywhere with a teen by telling him he's crude or too immature - that just encourages him because he's trying to tell you he's grown up enough to know these things.

So you do what you have done all along when kids talk about burping (or do it) or peeing or pooping or penises or breasts or whatever - it's private talk, it's not what they do at the dinner table or with Grandma, but it's absolutely encouraged with parents and the doctor. Otherwise, you ignore or you take away privileges. You say that your husband ignores this and you keeping hoping he will have a word with your son, but you don't sit down together as parents and talk it out? And you say you can't get him to listen to you anyway, about other things? Do you give him money? A cell phone? A ride to the mall? New jeans? Do you do his laundry or make his lunches? Those are things he EARNS through his mature behavior and his respect of his parents.

So it sounds to me like there's more ineffective parenting going on, and that the kid is running the show. Time to take control of your family. But giving the impression that periods are dirty and normal body functions are secret and mysterious is just handicapping your child. Find a way, through books or a parenting class for teens, to become more comfortable with information your kids absolutely need. Otherwise they're learning everything from peers and the internet and movies. Is that what you want?

any boy of mine who felt it appropriate to make nasty remarks about routine biological processes would find himself living in a very grey, boring, devoid-of-fun universe.
but i'm fairly appalled that you wanted to opt him out of the education discussing said biological processes.
my gut feeling is that your own extremely unhealthy view of biology has caused it to loom large in this adolescent boy's adolescent brain.
if your 14 year old isn't mature enough to a) understand simple biology and b) understand appropriate conversational venues then the problem lies with how he's been parented for 14 years.
the 'helpless' father is also a clue.
i suggest that you grow up and take some parenting classes. it's awfully late, but any mother's whose reaction to her teenage boy being so titillated by biology class that he spews nastiness about periods is to tell him he'll 'lose girls' needs a big fat reality check.
sorry. but there it is.
khairete
S.

The way you're blaming a public school program for the problems in your family is astonishing.

You have a lot of stuff going on here, a husband who seems out of touch and doesn't back you up, a very immature son who clearly misjudges his audience & lack of parental control in the home.

Why would you need to "convince" him of anything? Tell him to knock it off, it's juvenile and offensive to you, end of discussion.

If he talks to his peers that way it's his choice. I have a 13 year old daughter with lots of female friends. They are way past the "shock" of sex ed and would find his comments really lame. I'm guessing it wouldn't even register as offensive to them, just immature and child-like. Let him learn that lesson himself, he'll find out soon enough that his behavior is a girl repellent. He sounds really immature, maybe he's not interested in girls yet. I could see this from a 10 year old but at 14 (HS freshman?) talking about periods in a "gross out" way to your Mom seems a little strange.

If I were you I would put together some parenting strategies with your husband. If this is a big dilemma in your house you've got some things to work on. You have no business blaming the messenger on this one!

Well you know how us adopted kids are, nothing but trouble. When are you going to get into counseling? I will never be able to get that question out of my mind because you sounded so much like my mom. I would do anything to get her goat too.

_____________________
Only a choice few? This is not your first post with that passive aggressive nonsense. Yes, only a choice few agree with you, want to enable you. You are mentally ill and I don't say that lightly. Of course you see yourself as right and everyone who doesn't agree with you is wrong, doesn't understand. Very hard to see what you are doing in your condition.

He doesn't have anger because of his birth situation, he has anger because you can't work through his birth situation. Anyone! who would title a post with my adopted son, as apposed to your biological son, better yet, just son, has major issues that are effecting that child. Please get help before your sons get as far away from you as possible.

I think some health education is in order. You say you opted him out of the film because you thought that information should come from parents. But then you say that your husband stays quiet and no one is discussing it with him. Well, you wanted the info to come from parents. Now it's time to step up and give him accurate information.

He says something crude? Don't get upset or lecture. Be totally matter of fact. Tell him that if he wants to discuss women's health, you'll be happy to do so. Then sit down with him and educate him. Use the real medical/biological terms for all the body parts, how they work, and what it means when a woman has a period. If it helps to have a book, get a book in advance and have it ready to go over with him. If he tries to act totally embarrassed and walk away, tell him too bad. He wanted to talk about women's health, so you are going to talk with him about women's health.

Once you've gone over it once, if he says something crude again, say "It sound like you want to talk about women's health issues again. Let's go through it again then." And do it.

You'll accomplish 2 things. 1) he'll actually be educated instead of spouting off crude (likely at least somewhat inaccurate) stuff that he overheard from friends and 2) I bet that if you tell him that you are going to sit down and talk with him about women's health each time he brings it up, he'll stop.

How would you handle any other situation where he was being rude? I would take a page from that. I would tell your DH that it's not funny, it's not appropriate and he needs to at least back you up. There's two ways around it. You can either ignore him (maybe he also saw the business with the boy with pads for his friends that's been posted online) or you can sit down with him and say, "So...what's with this obsession? I know you know it's not appropriate, so you are saying it to be deliberately crude and offensive." You might sit down with him and have a frank talk about fertility, women, etc. Birds and bees, right? You said you wanted to talk to him at home anyway, so you should. You should have been talking to him about girls a couple of years ago.

The more I think about it, the more I think that it's backlash against you not wanting him to know more and not wanting to be open about bodies and sexuality. He's like a 3 yr old who learned to swear. Keeping him out of the health class (if you did) would have been mortifying at 14. This may be his way to regain ground if people found out Mommy and Daddy didn't want him to know about girls.

You can also tell him simply and firmly that he's over the line, go to his room. Or leave. Or some other natural consequence, perhaps a "swear jar" kind of thing where he puts $5 in the jar every time he brings it up unnecessarily and then you donate that money to a women's shelter so THEY can buy the products they need or something.

ETA: your past posts are relevant. Knowing that he has a history of acting out like a 3 yr old is relevant here. What works for a neurotypical child won't work for other kids. Does he have RAD? ODD? It may feel like a waste of time and space to take him to a counselor he won't open up to, but to me that sounds like you need someone who truly specializes in children like him. Think of it this way - right now he's 14 and a handful. How many jobs do you think he'll be fired from if he doesn't learn? I still stand by the above, but I also urge you not to just get angry at us. You sound frustrated, and that's fine, but please remember we can only go by what you tell us. We're just trying to fill in the blanks. IMO it IS relevant and if you wanted a fresh start, you should consider a different user ID.

I do think that the other posters who ask why your kids haven't learned more about reproduction are correct. If you had started off early teaching your kids about the birds and the bees, your 14 year old wouldn't be acting this way.

ETA after your SWH: Oh for heavens sake. If you don't want people to try to understand your son by going back to see what you've said about him before, don't write about him in the first place. Telling people they shouldn't look back at what you've written here? Ridiculous. If you don't want people to know about your life, don't share it.

Original:
Go talk to the guidance counselor about this. Get some advice from her. I haven't gone back to look at your previous questions, but Julie S. probably has and if she's wondering why you haven't had family counseling, maybe you should be doing that. Your son is being very disrespectful to you and he's doing it about a subject that suggests that he is hateful towards women specifically. A counselor might help with this.

(sigh) okay...based on your SWH, I did not go back & read your previous posts. Tried to abide by YOUR guidelines in answering this question. BUT, (sigh) when I hit these comments....
"And if a kid is going to be uncooperative with that and only make nasty comments about the counselor, what's the use of paying for it? Some kids have their minds made up that they're not going to go and you can't make them. It's not a lack of "parenting". It's a stubborn kid who gets moody, probably has a lot of anger because of his birth family situation. Probably more things than that. I have posted things in the past, but please don't hold them against me. I think it is unnecessary and irrelevant to the new question. I've started to get borderline as to whether I can even trust people on this site."
& these...."All the detail he blabs off is really offensive and disgusting. I really don't want to hear it. He'll say he's got cramps and talk about the blood, etc. He's more detailed than the pad/tampon commercials."

well...at that point, I just gave up. I can't affirm your choices/requests.
He's spouting off these details bcuz that's what's thrown at him... in every ad, movie, sitcom, science class, internet access, & real life.
& why is he doing this?...because of his back history. His behavior in therapy is exactly why good respondents on this forum go back & read previous questions. Additionally, he's a teen. Moodiness, shock value comments, anger, & hatefulness are all part of Teen Hell....& he needs help. I wish you Peace.

It sounds like he might be talking about it because it freaks you out. It is an easy way to push your buttons, because you overreact.

You said you wanted your kids left out of school-given info because you think it should come from parents. That's fine, but ONLY if you're actually going to teach it. It sounds like you haven't done that, don't want to talk about it, and think the topic is inappropriate for boys in general.

It isn't. You need to sit down and discuss this stuff openly and answer their questions honestly. 14 years old is long past the time something like menstruation should have been taught, so your 17-year-old is way overdue. Boys do need to know about menstruation, tampons, and all that stuff. Anything they wonder about, they should know. Keeping knowledge segregated by gender is not appropriate.

You've made something totally normal into a taboo subject because you're uncomfortable with it. That is why your kid is behaving like this. You created this situation, and now you have to fix it. If you can't bear to have frank discussions about human biology, then you need to find someone who isn't so embarrassed about it to help you.

Is he special needs? Or is he just super immature? What a shame he acts so immature. Of course if it were me, I would turn off his electronics and sit him down and have a frank discussion about this subject. Tell him you have noticed he seems very interested (obsessed, fascinated , confused) by the subject so you are going to answer all of his questions. Pull out a tampon, some pads. And let him handle them. Explain how expensive they are and that they are taxed. Let him know what a hassle it is and how it can be embarrassing if it does not follow the schedule. Explain cramps. Explain that severe cramps can feel like childbirth and yet girls and women have to tough it out and go on with their day. Then tell him since he is not mature enough to handle this type of information, he is not mature enough to go out alone with friends. Insteaspd you or dad will accompany him to events until you all satisfied he knows how to behave..about appropriate conversations vs.. This type of talk. Maybe bring up the fact that you know the men in your home masterbate and probably will for most of their lives, but you do not bring it up.. Because you respect their privacy... Your husband needs to speak up. If he doesn't he is condoning your sons behavior...which to me is just as bad as your son and makes your husband sound like he also does not respect women...

I have a good friend who specializes in obstetrics. I would make my son an appointment with her. Seriously. I would bring my son in and say "you have expressed so much interest in the female reproductive system that I thought you must be considering it as a career path. So you and Julia can have a nice chat. She knows everything about how ALL of that works and she is going to give you all the details you could ever want. Fire away!". I am not talking about the basic birds and bees, I would give him access to an expert. If his behavior comes from honest curiosity (and forced ignorance...yikes...), I would be sure he has ALL the answers. If he makes comments? Oh, was there something you didn't cover with Julia? We can go see her again. But it is considered rude to ask friends about their period. That's private. And from there, proceed with consequences as necessary. I suspect that free access to accurate information would help.

If your son is not neurotypical, I have no idea if that would work as that is outside my personal parenting experience. My oldest is only 8, but so far he responds best if we just answer his questions and treat facts of life like facts of life, not some big scandalous secret.

ETA: Another consideration... And I suspect this would freak you out or anger you, given your stance on sex ed... Have you considered gender disphoria? Puberty is an extremely traumatic time for some transgender children. If he is obsessing over periods and talking about getting cramps/a period himself, is this a cry for help??

When you said he gets positive reactions from girls, I suspect he's doing this to get a rise out of girls. I doubt very much it's positive. You will be getting a call I suspect from school soon if you don't reign it in. Parents find this type of thing almost a type of harassment, so I would explain that to him.

Has your son had other behavior issues in the past? Sometimes kids get fascinated by this stuff when they hit puberty and if it's at all obsessive (like way too much interest) it might be worth having him talk to someone, other than you - if he's not comfortable with you or your husband. It's like fixating on girls but in an unhealthy way. Or it can be. If he's saying offensive stuff especially. You don't give specific comments but it's one thing to discuss periods or talk about tampons, another to be disrespectful, crude and offensive.

Personally, I think kids can develop a fascination with things that are kept from them, things that every other kid can do/see/hear. It's time for you to have the talk, conversation rather - and your husband should be involved, but if he won't be of help and will make it more awkward, skip him. I know some parents who have the family doctor talk to their kids about this stuff because they are too uncomfortable. So long as someone fills him in and he can ask questions.

We did the talk at home, we have a book, they also learned at school. The big thing was - to be available for questions.

If it were me, I'd sit him down and ask why he has this sudden interest in this topic. And why he views it in this way. Before you can correct a bad behavior, you have to understand why he's doing it - as much as you can. Then address that first. Then explain why it's inappropriate and what the consequences will be if he continues.

Good luck :)

Well kids act out around people they feel most comfortable with.

When have you ever sat your child(ren) down and had a frank discussion about the human body male/female? Probably not. This should have been done while they were little and continued to the present day. There are books that can be used to explain the process of growing up from child to adult and the changes that occur in both sexes. Do go and get several and have a frank discussion with your son.

Health class in school is a way to help children learn about their bodies and other things but it is up to the parents to do the job of teaching and preparing them for life. Take out the prude in you and become matter of fact and speak to this kid before someone's parents are offended and press charges. He might not find it so funny if they put him on a list just because of his mouth. Find the currency and use that to curtail his words to the proper tone and content.

I wish you luck with this situation. I hope that the older son has a full working knowledge of how things work as well in the proper order. He is soon to be out there in the real world and create kids and not know why it happened. That doesn't fly in society today. Time to take the blinders off momma.

the other S.

PS My son in fifth grade had sex education class. I also got a book for him to read to understand the changes in the human body male/female. I handed him the book and let him know if he had any questions to come to me and ask. My daughter also read the same book a few years later. They are now grown adults.

Your husband, his father, "only acts helpless." But you keep hoping dad will step up and speak to him -- and dad doesn't but you keep telling dad anyway. You also say it's "been hard to get this kid to listen to us anyway"--on other topics, not just this one, I'm guessing?

There are bigger issues here than his comments. He knows perfectly well that dad won't do a thing or discipline him, he knows he can get a huge rise out of mom and a ton of negative attention by talking this way, and he probably sees that this talk discomfits his brother as well. He scores all around. He probably thinks this is all great -- he gets to throw his weight around and make all of you feel embarrassed and go quieter as he gets louder and more specific. Is there a larger pattern of a kid who likes to get a rise out of people? Because if you see a pattern there, be aware, once he's tired of period talk, he'll find another way to get people's goats.

I agree with both AV and JB that it is past time for you to sit him down, preferably with dad there too, and talk with him, face to face, directly and at a time and place he can't slope off. He's possibly reacting so crudely because he knows it's taboo to you, so take the taboo away and talk about it. I bet that if you openly say, "Let's talk about periods" to his face, and are clear that nobody's going anywhere until you HAVE talked about it, he's going to be so thrown by it he'll clam up. Every time he brings it up get right there in his space and say firmly and sweetly, "Got a question about periods, son? You're really into the details, maybe you'll be a gynecologist one day. What can I tell you?"

If he can be serious for 10 seconds, I'd ask him -- not as an accusation, really ask -- Why does he find it funny to say HE has cramps and is bleeding? Stop and wait for an answer. Be .clear that this is not a rhetorical question, and that at this moment, in this discussion, you are not mad and will not get mad if he can talk with you maturely; you really do expect him to answer why he is talking this way. "I know you've gotten a lot of attention when you do this so now I'm changing up and telling you, do you want to ask something?"

It's curious to me that you say you opted him out of health class yet you don't seem concerned (at least in the post) about how he saw some film you didn't want him to see. I would ensure that a kid like him gets all the health and sex ed classes available to take away the novelty of the crude talk..

JB gave excellent suggestions. In answer to your question regarding anyone being able to get their son to stop talking that way... my son is 17, and never has commented in that way to begin with. It is not normal to comment in that way, as far as I am aware. I've never encountered anyone else's teen kid talking that way, now, or when I was a teen myself. I have brothers, too.

I would certainly speak to him about his obsession with this subject, not just ignore it. Ignoring this type of potty mouth stuff works on little kids, not so much teens. He's not making farting noises with his arm. He's got an odd obsession or he is deliberately trying to be rude to you. Either needs addressing, not ignoring.

I don't know. He doesn't sound all that different than some of the guys I went to school with. I found it annoying and immature, but then again, I found a lot of things they did to be immature. It seemed to me that for the most part those guys eventually got the message that the girls didn't like it and stopped discussing it.

You could try reminding him about proper behavior in vairous circumstances. We have to remind our boys (6 & 9) about certain things they shouldn't talk about at school. (We usually have to remind them not to talk about thing related to Minecraft - like killing and blowing things up with TNT - rather than things related to a girl's period, but it's the same idea.) But at the age of 14, this is more of a social issue that he needs to work out on his own.

I highly doubt any parent is going to call the school and complain that their daughter is grossed out about a boy in her class discussing periods! If I had complained to my parents about something like that, they probably would have rolled their eyes and said, "Boy! What can you do? They will grow up eventually."

Oh my gosh, you just brought up this memory of these neighbor boys that lived down the street from us when I was a kid. One of them was so crude. He was constantly saying the most obnoxious and rude things. I'm sure he loved the attention and probably thought other kids liked it. But I don't think a lot of other kids liked it at all...everyone thought he was rude and annoying yet we never said anything to him about it. Don't hope your husband will talk with him. Go get some library books and the both of you make a plan to sit down with your son together and set him straight. 1. You and your husband need to sit your son down and go over puberty, sex ed, and how the body works or sign him up for sex ed in school and 2. You and your husband need to give him boundaries and a consequence when he insists on talking about impolite things over and over again. 3. Talk to him about WHY he should not say these things. Talk about being mature. Talk about being polite and not obnoxious and offensive. Anyhow, obviously your son has an obsession with this and is fascinated. He is enjoying the negative attention he is getting. Be firm. Be strict. He needs you to set some boundaries and teach him that we don't act like this. Don't give him attention. Don't say: Oh gross. Stop talking about this. Ugh. Stop being disgusting. Girls won't like it when you say those things. Instead say: Remember our discussion about bodily functions? Your consequence is x. Now. (Or: If I hear one more word on this your consequence is x). PS - My son has had conversations with me about why do some boys insist on being so crude. Why do they think these things are funny when they are not? Why do they think natural body parts or body functions are disgusting and funny? My son hates it when other kids act like this in class. He thinks they are immature (and he's right).

I would ground him. If he can't engage in polite conversation, then he doesn't need to converse at all. There's not much you can do about what he says when he's not around you, but you can sure make him understand that no one wants to hear it.

You handle it like any other negative behavior that needs to be extinguished. You discipline him.

Explain to him the boundaries, explain why if you feel that's needed, and then whatever leverage you have with him use it to eliminate the undesirable behavior. Cancel social events, take away his computer/screen time, have him clean out the garage, give him a weeding tool and put him to work in the garden.

EVERY time he does it, create a negative consequence. Even Pavlov's dogs eventually learned to salivate when the bell rang. If you are consistent with the consequences he will eventually eliminate his behaviors that lead to them.

I don't care if they're 4 or 14, every kid needs boundaries and has a leverage point. Don't emotionally react because that's what he wants, as Fuzzy so eloquently pointed out below.

No more games. He's the child, you're the parent, it's your job to establish boundaries, enforce them and prepare him for the next chapter of his life.

Please forgive my bluntness but this seems as clear day and I'm feeling frustrated at how complicated you seem to be making a very clear cut situation.

Without knowing what the comments are I am going to guess that at the age of 14 it is time to discuss how human bodies work. Just because you have sons doesn't mean they shouldn't learn how a woman's body works, since at some point they will probably have girlfriends and should be respectful of them.

Also, keep in mind that 14 boys (and girls) are immature and will crack jokes, etc. about things they have yet to understand.

I respect your decision to teach your children about human anatomy and sex and not leave it to the schools so now is the time for you to do it. Your husband should be doing this too, not acting helpless (that is immature).

He's getting off on your reaction. Ignore it, no matter how graphic he gets. Leave the room if necessary. No audience, no point in putting on a show.