I think this is more of a vent but I'm curious to hear other people's experiences. I've had a friend for about 20 years who's been a good friend. She met her husband years before I met mine but she decided not to have any kids until her early - mid 40's. She had her first baby a few months ago now. I completely realize a new baby is a huge deal. I did not do well with my first! So I'm trying to be a good friend but am getting resentful bc I feel like everything is always about her. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's been like this since before she had the baby. For I dont' know how long, she's been complaining about her job and how much work it is. And then of course she'd then mention how she and her husband were going to some weekend get away so she can "relax". Meanwhile, I'm at work or taking care of my daughters 24/7. I remind myself constantly that I didn't understand what it was like to have kids until I did. But she's also been surrounded by friends w/ kids for yeas so she has a better sense than I did. I didn't have any good friends around me with kids before mine. Now she has the baby and I religiously call to check in and she rarely asks how I'm doing. I can deal with that but what gets me is this expectation she seems to have that I come visit a lot. My husband has been working 6 days a week and late nights and I can't bring my daughters with me bc her baby has was premature and she's very fixated (understandably) on not getting him sick. But it makes it really hard for me to visit. IF I get any time to myself, to be honest, last think I want to do is drive 45 min to where she lives and sit in her house. I also need to help host a party for her and sure, I could back out but then I'd feel guilty. We have a friend's wedding coming up and she's been so insistent that I stay at the main hotel while I want to get away from people and more small talk. She doesn't understand that my life is all about serving other people and sometimes i want my own time! I'm just wondering if other people have had this situation with a friend who doesn't really get what it's like to have kids. She has a baby now but probably thinks it's so easy for me now bc mine are older. She doesn't realize that it's easier bc I'm not worken up every night but they have a million things i"m always organizing for them and they want my attention all the time too, despite not being babies anymroe. I suppose I should distance myself but how do I stop being so annoyed with her? THis is a trivial posting but I guess I wanted to vent.
I don't have time to answer (have to take my 8yo to the doctor) but I just wanted to chime in:
It is NOT a trivial question. You've had a dear friend for 20 years and don't want to lose her. That's a deep emotional bond you're trying to protect/save. Hugs.
You wrote, "My life is all about serving other people and sometimes I want my own time." "They want my attention all the time despite not being babies any more." "My husband has been working six days a week and late nights." Try to read that like you didn't write it. See any red flags there? They're not red flags about this friend but about your situation at home.
Is the issue really with her, or is it with your own frustration and need for time off? Your husband is working a lot of hours; is that absolutely essential to his job, or could he be at home more if he knew how burned out you feel? If he were at home, would he help out more? HE needs to know what you're saying here - not what you're thinking about this one friend but what you're feeling about your own life. Your post seems to be about more than this one friendship, and frankly I wonder if you're a little bit envious that she can make it "all about her" right now, when you are being pulled in a million directions in your own life.
As for her expectation that you visit "a lot," it's unrealistic of her, but you can stay in close touch, if you really want to continue this friendship. (Do you? Do you enjoy anything about her that makes spending time with her worthwhile despite what you dislike?) If you do want to keep being friends, tell her honestly that you do have to limit the travel since it's nearly an hour drive each way, and your husband is working so much that it's not doable for you to travel as much as she'd like. You don't have to travel to stay in touch and let her know you understand things like her worries over sickness -- because you've been there with a sick newborn, haven't you? Let her know you value her friendship but are overwhelmed yourself. If you're really friends she will understand if you tell her that. But meanwhile, reread the post and ask if the source of the deeper, bigger frustration is just her behavior or the lack of backup and "me time" at home.
Ooooooo, baby. Sounds like someone needs a little "me time"! LOL
You need to be able to speak honestly with your friend about what works for you and what does NOT.
You do not need to have your 'free' time dictated by her. She may see you as some type of superhero who has made it through all of this and she feels she needs you.
Once her baby is older, she'll wonder how you did what you did!
Approach it as a different part of life perspective. For example, you probably don't understand (yet) what it's like top have teens..so this cycle never ends.
I think ALL moms, be they SAHM, WAHM, WM, PTWM, single, married,etc. need to realize that the obligations, responsibilities and commitments continue on...indefinately.....no matter the age of the kids. Women need to find and focus on their common ground, not alienate each other with minutiae. Overall, I think all moms have more in common than they have differences. She's your friend! Talk to her and tell her how you feel.
It has always been about your friend, and always will be. You can't really blame her since it has been this way for 20 years. I know that you thought this would change once she had kids of her own, but it hasn't and so yes, you have a right to get frustrated, but maybe when you are on the phone with her mention that you can talk for a long time because your child, insert problem or something here, and that she will see once her child is old enough. That way it might get her to ask about your kids. Other than that love her for who she is and deal with it.
I suggest that when you do have some free time, read the book Firefly Lane. It talks about the exact same friendship problem that you have I loved that book and cried at the end. You are a great friend.
Somewhere along the way she stopped really being a friend to you. Friendship is a two way street where each person gives a little to support the other. But in your case it's always you doing the giving. In my opinion you need to step back and answer the following question "If I met this person today would we really be friends?" Don't think about the people you both were 20 yrs ago. Think about who you are right now. Is she supportative of you and your emotions? Is she willing to give as well as she takes? Does she fill any of your needs? From the sound of it the answer is no no and no.
If you decide that she's not really a friend any more then just stop calling to check and see how long it takes her to call you. Back off your involvement and instead use the time you use to take making call as 'me time'. You deserve some me time.
It would be wise for you to learn to say no and set boundaries. You can still be a great friend full of charity, while maintaining your needs as well.
You call to check on her very often and visit her a lot. Cut that down. Why don't you volunteer your story next time you call? Some people get comfortable with sharing their needs all the time, they forget that others have needs too.
You don't have to come up with excuses or feel guilty, just simply, "I can't come over today" should be enough. If she presses, simply repeat yourself, "I just can't, maybe another time."
As for the hotel, visit at the hotel when YOU want, and visit with the guests when YOU want. Do not let anyone dictate to you how your time should be spent. You need to be able to enjoy yourself too, not cater to everyone's whims and fancy's all the time.
Really though, it sounds like she is dependent on you. Maybe you need to back off a little and see if she ca;;s to chat and see how you are doing, instead of expecting you to pamper her. Friendships fade, and shift over time. It's natural. I'm not saying to stop being her friend, but I am saying put you and your family first for now.
i can understand hwo you are feeling. i had a friend who is only one yr younger than me but very immature. she would have a melt down if she had to write a two page paper in college. to my knowledge she is still living with her parents at 25 and only working part time (because she doesnt want to work full time) i was very sick at one point and one of of mutual friends was talking to her and saying that i was vomitting blood and she was really concerned, well my friend said to her "well at least she doesnt have a bad roomate like i do." anyway we did stop being friends because i couldnt stand how everything was about her, and now i kind of miss her
We are all in different stages of our lives. Seems like she is pretty demanding in addition to the fact you have a very full plate. You need to set healthy boundaries. I know you care about her but you and your family come first. Let's face it you are still a parent regardless of your kids' ages. Stay at the hotel you want to stay at and have your own space. Be nice but up front about what your needs are or you just be resentful. Don't be just take charge of what you can and can't do.
