Not Sure If I Should Keep This Friendship...

M.,
Unless something else has happened I think you are overreacting. If my son misses his nap we pay for it...for several days. I have had to opt out of many events because of his naptime. Friendships are hard to find and take work. Hang in there and try not to sweat the small stuff.
D.

Talk to her. You have no idea what was going on at the time she delivered her response - maybe someone was screaming or the phone was ringing. Give her the benefit of the doubt. She was a little rude, no doubt, but I know there have been times that I have been inconsiderate without thinking, though I would never deliberately be that way, and my friends have been able to forgive me, thank goodness. Now, if this is only the final straw of a long battle, then perhaps it's time to back off and build new relationships. Only you know how much you are willing to do for this friendship.

M., I think this is an example of how we women are the masters of conflict avoidance. I know because I have done it a thousand times. The only way to really know what is going on is to ask her. All of us other Mama's can only speculate.
I have been in similar situations in the past and I know that I should have just asked my friend the questions I was thinking. It could have saved me a friend or two that I let slip away.
If her answers are such that you don't think you can continue to be her friend, better to know now than to waste time and have all that anxiety.
Good luck!

I think friendship is the most precious thing, part of being a friend is accepting people for who they are. Not having the expectation that they are mirror copies of ourselves. Not everyone handles or does things the way that you might. If you are someone who gives a great deal you may have the same expectation of your friend, but remember the level of what they can recipocate may not be what you would do, but it is what they could do at the time.
This does not mean be a doormat for people, but I do not think your friend is doing that with you. Be grateful for those who were able to be at your child's party and remember that someone not attending an event does not mean they do not love you, it may simply mean on that day they needed to love/ take care of themselves.

Best of everything.
B.

Friendships, generally, are based on the ability to share thoughts and conversations (as well as time) together in an open and honest way. Friends understand, are accepting, and forgiving. How much can you be towards her in this situation? Why not sit down with her and share your feelings? Sometimes what one person is able to do, another cant. At her stage of pregnancy, she might not have felt up to coping with her son out of his routine. Perhaps she felt uncomfortable about not coming, and so she emailed you her "no", because she couldnt bring herself to tell you..... Why not share your feelings with HER, in a friendly, loving manner ("Something has been bothering me, and I have valued our friendship too much to let this get in the way, so I would like to share it......When you emailed me that you werent coming....I felt disappointed and hurt because I would have liked to have had you there, and I thought an email was a rather distant way for you to tell me.....") Unless you are willing to share how you feel, I dont see much chance of this friendship continuing in a very "real" way. If she is defensive, she might need some help in accepting your feelings. The other possibility is if you can accept that she did the best she could and let it go, (really let it go). If you cant, I really think you need to be honest with her about how you are feeling. If friendships are not based on honesty, are they worth having?

A couple things: one), this is convicting to me. I tend to do this sort of thing to people, meaning: late RSVPs and such. I think my response in my head, but forget to notify those it would be important to.

Two)You seem to show your friendship through engery given and gifts. Your friend may have a hard time seeing this or knowing the same things are important for you to recieve from her for you to feel appreciated. She may be showing her friendship to you differently, like when she listens to you in your times of struggles.

I have not attended parties because it clashed with my boys' naps. No one wants a tired and miserable child crashing their event. She probably thought she was being considerate of your special time with your child.

Perhaps you should try to take more notice of what she's done for you that was sacrifical on her time and energy and thought, instead of tallying up what you've done for her. Generally things go better like that. I struggle with the same thing and tend to have too pessamistic of an outlook on my friendships, feeling I've sacrificed more than they've even thought to notice or appreciate. Yet, I am extremely blessed by those same people, constantly, but not necessarily in ways I register as their being loving--though it was a big deal to them.

Hang with her.

I have to say that I am 9 months pregnant with a 18 month old and if the party was during her nap time...I wouldn't come! I would have called and asked if I could come early or come late though....just be honest with her and tell her how you feel or it will bottle up inside you. If the friendship is strong enough, it will make it through this time...if it's not then it wasn't meant to be.

There is a really good book I would recommend to you called The 5 Love Languages...it describes how we show and give love to others and it was so enlightening for me and made me understand how my husband, children, mom, friends etc. are wired by God to be and has helped me give more grace to others. I tend to "keep score" like you and this book helps me overcome that way of thinking. We are all made so differently!

Who's counting??? Apparently, you are.

M., you have a valid reason to feel hurt. And you are overreacting. This sounds like a long-standing, important friendship not only for you, but for your husband and her husband, your children and hers. She may or may not have delivered the "excuse" in a hurtful way, but she had every right to make the decision to attend or not attend based on the needs of her son. (And, of course, there may be more to the story than you know.) In any case, honey, it's up to you to decide whether this is an expendible friendship or one you're willing to endure a little pain for. And, darling, people suck. So if you insist on keeping score, you will lose... every time.

Hi M.,

I can certainly understand that you're hurt. I would be to. As good of friends that you both are, I would have expected more out of her myself. But since she was nine months pregnant, hormonal, and already has one child, then I would definitely let this one slide. :-) I would hope that she will confront you and at least apologize for not being able to be there and give more of a reason other than it was her baby's nap time. She should at least do that for you.
Friends are hard to come by. I've met some wonderful people on here even, but with having children, life, and time can go by so fast and for me, email is easier than calling. I'm not a phone person. I do talk on the phone every now and then, but emailing is more convenient for me. A former friend of mine could call me, talk my ear off, clean her house, she has two girls, and she would even talk to them too while on the phone with me. I couldn't do that. Not without my brain scrambling. LOL
May be she was extra tired that day,(your friend that is) and email was the best option for her to respond at that time.
Hope things get better for you. :-) This reminds me that I need to make a few phone calls myself. :-) Take care.

M.,

Talk to her about it. I'm sure she didn't even realize she hurt you. It sounds like if they invited you on a vacation they both value you & your husband's friendships whic is hard to find when the couples both really enjoy being together. What I have found w/ couple friendships is that either the wives get along great & the hubbys have fun but aren't really close friends or it's the other way around. When you do talk her about it make sure you say thinks like "I felt hurt that you didn't come to my child's party... I was really looking forward to seeing you guys." Or something to that affect. Don't point fingers like "You hurt me by not coming". By pointing fingers you will just make her defensive when she probably has no clue how you are feeling. A good friendship will work through these issues.

I know it was your child's birthday which makes it so much more special, but in the grand scheem of a good friendship is it worth loosing her over? Be thankful that she felt comfortable that she could tell you the truth & maybe she really needs her son to take a nap! I know too w/ the first child the mother is a lot more annal than they need to be! I bet you remember that w/ your own. I was very strick w/ my first daughter's schedule! I probably won't have come either cause I would have thought that it was poor planning on your part to do a party in the middle of nap time which is usually a pretty universal time for every family. Now that I have 3 kids we are so much more flexible.... I have learned to go w/ the flow. I see that strictness w/ schedule w/ one of my sisters too & can't wait till she has more kids so she lightens up w/ the schedule she feels is important for her daughter! :)

I hope this helps. I moved to Tucson about 1 1/2 yrs. ago & still feel like my hubby & I are still trying to find good friendships.... it's difficult to find close friendships so don't loose her over pettiness! A friend loves at all time & a true friend communicates!

Blessings, C.

I am sure you know that pregancy hormones make us women do things we would not normally do. Some women handle it really well and some do not. At the end of my 2nd pregnancy I did not want to see or talk to anyone and e-mail was my main form of contact. I was overly emotional and just wanted to be left alone. It had nothing to do with anyone it was just my hormones.

I think you should either tell her how you feel or let it go. If you really are or were as good friends as you say then you really should be able to talk to her about it. If you can not talk to her then maybe you should let it go. I do not think if would be fair to end the friendship without trying to understand her reasoning.

Another question... when you went to all of those things did you go because you wanted to or because you felt obligated to? And why does your choice to go to those events make her less of a friend because she did not? Some people are just not as good of a friend to you as you are to them. They are just not capable. I actually lost a friend once because she said I was too good of a friend and she just could not live up to it.

Good friends are really, really hard to find. If she is one, you do not want to lose her over this.

N.

I don't want to sound harsh, but I think you are overreacting a bit. It's very nice of you to be such a great friend to her and should continue to do so. I understand that you showed up to both of her baby showers, whether prego and with a 9 month old, but going somewhere 9 months prego with a toddler is waaayyy more work and will run you into the ground. You mentioned she gave birth to her second a few days after the party? do you remember what is was like the last week of your pregnancy? Think about that and chasing after a 2 year old that hasn't had a nap and overdosed on cake!! Sucks right! Not just that but it would take away from your childs b-day, the other thing is what if she went into labor at the party? I think she couldn't think of anything else accept to play the "my kid" card. I truely think she wanted to come, and I know she remebers you coming to her events with her child, but I really think she probably wasn't up for it and the addition of taking care of another child outside the home in her condition without her husband is such a LOAD.

There have been times I have not gone to events becuase it was during my childrens nap time. When I RSVP'd I would tell my friends that it was becuase it was during my childs nap time and it would REALLY mess up thier schedule.

I have a 3 year old boy and a 9 month girl (7/22/2007), and let me tell you the last week of my pregnancy I had my husband take my son to a sitter everyday, becuase I was so miserable, tired, moody, irritated, and hott, that I was afraid my poor boy would see my wrath!!HAHA....One last thing having 2 children is a lot harder than having one!!....Sorry to ver... the bottom line is I think you are overreacting a little, but you are an incredible friend and she is very blessed to have you in her life. I really hope this helps.

N.

sahm of a 3 year old and a 9 month old

Did she bother to call you at all??
Seems sometimes one makes more of a effort than others and maybe she takes you a little for granted. You sound like a good friend.
We do sometimes have to accomadate times for friends with little ones who still nap but there are exceptions. I've done that with my daughter and it just ends up that she still naps but a little later and obviously more soundly. This is a once in a year event and she needs to value your friendship. One time that her little one doesn't nap at the same time won't throw the whole schedule off. Plus I've been to events where mom is about to deliver yet make an appearance. (I myself worked up til friday of week and had my daughter that following Monday).
Let her know that this bothered you and see how she reacts.
Your friendship and all you do for her (not that you're counting and you do it out of the kindness of your heart) should mean more to her. You seem to be very accomadating and more than happy to go with her and her husband's plans or help out in any way you can. She should give a little more in return or more of an explanation.
What does your husband think of this? If her husband is close to your husband too, why didn't he attend the party with the kids and give mom a little time to herself. If she might have been tired or not feeling well being so close to end of pregancy, she could have said that to you and I'm sure you would of totally understood.

I understand feeling hurt! Maybe instead of worrying about your own feelings, you could be the better person and ask yourself: "Is my friend ok?"
She could be struggling with her own insecurities and may simply need understanding...
My opinion is: It is unwise to get so upset. Be understanding and ask her if everything is alright.
I personally, would not make a big deal about it. Just be the better person and be HONEST and REAL yourself.
If you have faith in God, Pray about it with an open heart and mind if you really need to. I have come to cleary know that our Father in Heaven IS the Best Counselor!
Remember, We are all human, all imperfect, we all struggle inside with our own insecurities and we may not always understand one another's behaviors... We just need to LOVE unconditionally and be the best we can be...
*TO drop a friendship over that ~ NOT WISE.
*Is there more to her feelings? ~ Perhaps.
*Is it ok to talk to her about it ~ Sure...with kindness, compassion, love and understanding of HER feelings...
*Have you done something or said something that posibly could have bothered her? Being pregnant ~ She could have been Hypersensitive to anything. Understand that as well.
*Has she gained a ton a wieght and maybe just did not feel up to a party?
*Unmotivated to commit not knowing how she was going to feel that day and overwhlemed with Life and the changes taking place in her life physically, emotionally, mentally???
Sometimes we have to put our own feelings aside to see the BIG PICTURE!!!
Continue to Love your friend! If there is a change in the friendship for the worse, let her be responsible for that. But again, continue to love her and strive to be the best you can be. Be the friend you know You would want to have! It sounds like you have been doing a good job at that so far and thats why you feel hurt. Sometimes we do get hurt and thats ok!!! And sometime there are frienships that are High Maintainance and not worth the energy when we have our own families to worry about... You may need to evaluate that. That's ok too!!! If this is a first offense ~ Let it go! If it continues to be a problem and is to draining on you ~ evalutate the situation and make the necessary changes but do so with love, kindness, forgiveness, respect, maturity and understanding...
Good luck M.!

M., I agree that this was not at all nice of her, but I guess I would cut her some slack since she was pregnant and near delivery and maybe her son's nap was essential to her sanity at the time. I am sure you would have understood if she had the courtesy to call and confess this. many people just don't get that something should just not be emailed. So I think as a mother you need all of the friends you can get, especially ones that cut you some slack. I also think that if there are other things that have or happen in the future that make you feel that she is not a true friend, that the time may come to cut ties. Just think it through and go with your gut.

Maybe you should concider, telling how you feel.

It seems like you guys have way too much history to end a friendship over something like that. If you feel like it's a repetitive thing or that she doesn't put in as much effort into the friendship as you do, talk to her about it. I ended a friendship with someone who I was friends with for over two years because I felt like it was always me who put in the effort and I was giving a lot more into the relationship than receiving. It can be draining. But if you feel like she cares enough to try I would let it go and move on.

This is just a guess, but based on the information you gave about the rest of your friendship being pretty reciprocal and the fact that she delivered a baby a few days after the party, perhaps at the time that she responded with the simplistic reason for not being able to attend there was SOOOO much going on in her life, like preparation for a new baby and birth in a few days, that instead of making a long list of ALL of the reasons she couldn't make it, she just defaulted to the easiest one. Perhaps she was at a rough state emotionally and didn't want to expound more to prompt you to be concerned because she knew you were in the middle of planning a party, etc.

Even if this isn't the case at all, friends believe the best about the other person, and sometimes that's not only to protect the other person, but it also helps us to let the other person off the hook so we aren't mentally tormented wondering if there might be another reason why they did or didn't do something we expected. I would talk to her about it if it still bothers you, but the risk is that the tables may actually turn and you would seem like the insensitive one considering her medical and emotional state at the time. It could be that you're just a stronger person than she is and are able to do more than most people when it comes to getting out and about late in pregnancy. Every person and every pregnancy is different, so maybe this was just a challenging one for her. Either way, I hope you can come to peace together because it sounds like all in all you have had some good exchanges with a few little hiccups here and there, which don't seem like there are big enough to justify tossing the whole friendship.

Also, some people just aren't as hospitable or reciprocal or organized, etc. as you are, and being in friendship with them may seem like they don't care as much, but maybe they just show it differently than you do. I have a friend who is so helpful and kind and comes right over at the drop of a hat if I need something, but if the tables turn, it is nearly impossible to respond in the same way with six kids. Hers are all in school and her schedule is much more open, so she can be so much more helpful in those areas than I can. I used to feel so terrible about this, like a real loser, but now I realize I support her in other ways that are just different but equally helpful to her. While I can’t travel around like she can, I always open my home to her and her kids to come over to socialize, and I am able to listen and be the social outlet she needs. So, we appreciate each other for our differences, and actually benefit from these differences we both bring to the friendship. Maybe that's the case with the two of you.

Perhaps she didn’t even realize how insensitive she seemed by her response and has no idea it hurt you. I really hope you can work it out. I wish you both peace and am sorry your feelings were hurt by her.

Hello M.!!
I do think you're over reacting a bit. It is a bummer that she didn't make it to your child's party, but is that any reason to throw away a friendship? Some people are really into keeping their kids on schedule. I am kind of one of those people. While I usually try to make it to parties that I am invited to, it doesn't always work out. I'm sure that she didn't mean to upset you... Since she was so pregnant, she probably wasn't sleeping well at night and looked forward to her naptime downtime. If she's a great friend to you, you should definately keep the friendship despite this. Not everyone is perfect and to maintain a friendship takes work. I know that if I took great offense to everything that my friends did that annoyed me, I would be out of friendships.
Another thought--- You said, "Who's counting"? It really seems like you are. To have a successful friendship and to be a person that people can trust, you have to give without expecting things in return. I would hate to have a friendship where I felt that I always needed to keep things EVEN. I'm sorry if this sounded harsh, I'm not always really good with words. I would just encourage you to be a forgiving, understanding friend and think about the long term consequences of giving up a great friendship over a kid's birthday party.

M. - It sounds as though your friend does not want to come to the birthday party and is only using the excuse of her son's naptime. I would speak with your friend (in person - not via e-mail) and let her know that you were hurt that she would not be attending your daughter's birthday party because it interferred with her son's naptime. Ask her if she could possibly arrange for him to nap earlier so they could come because it would mean so much to you and your daughter. I believe direct communication with each other will allow you both to resolve the dilemma and become closer friends. If not, perhaps she is not a true friend. Good luck!

No, don't end the friendship. I have a dear friend in my life that is the same way, everything revolves around naptime. We can only go to the park at certain times, she can only come to get togethers at certain times,etc. all because of naptimes or bedtimes. Not that there is anything wrong w/ having a schedule. But you need to make sure that you're not revolving life around your children and that they become part of your world. There is a balance. This is just something your friend will have to work out, don't take it personal. It may take her some time to figure out that she is missing out. Just be patient w/ her. Even let her know that she is welcome to come after naptime, and see what she says.

I hate interrupting my son's nap times because I usually have to deal with a very cranky child if I do, but that sounds like a really bad excuse to me. She could've have made some kind of concession. (IE. putting him down a little earlier or waking him up part way through and coming to the party a little late) My friends and I try to arrange things around nap schedules, but our children are on somewhat similar schedules! I don't know if you should let something like this ruin a friendship though. Talk to her and tell her that it meant a lot to you to have her at the party and that you were really hurt by the fact that she didn't come. See what she says. I'm due any day now and I was able to make it to a friends daughter's party in the park, I didn't feel good,I was hot and a little uncomfortable, but my friends at the party knew how I felt and they let me sit down and they ran after my son so I didn't have to! That's what real friends do! If I wasn't going to make it to the party I had also made other arrangements for my mom or my husband to take him to the party so he didn't have to miss out because I didn't feel good! Hope this helps! Sometimes it's better just to get your feelings out and see if there is something else going on. Then you can get it out in the open and fix things or move on and go separate ways.

I wonder if your friend felt hurt by your missing her child's 2nd birthday because you were "too pregnant". Maybe she feels that she was "too pregnant" for your daughter's 1st birthday. But that was a terrible excuse about being during her son's naptime. I would ask her about it. I'm sure your friendship was real and it can be again. Just confront her and then forgive each other and start again. The best friendships have set backs and you get over them and your friendship is stronger because of it.

Hey there! This is just my thinking on this- don't read too much into it! I know you all are or were close, but if she was that close to delivering, she may not have been acting like herself, and maybe she emailed because she knew you would be upset and she didn't want to do that in person. If you all have had a great relationship, please just talk to her, or maybe ask her if everything is alright. You could even then say you all really missed her at the party and you were worried about her. You never really know what she might be going through, or was right at that time. Easier said than done, but try to not make this a tit-for-tat (I did this, you didn't). That is never a good way to keep a friend feeling important in your life. Take care and good luck!

I think that you actually don't know your friend that well. There are several legitimate reasons why a parent might have to make her child's naptime more important than anything else. Another possibility is that she thought you understood that the only way SHE could get the rest she needed -- being extremely pregnant -- is to take advantage of her son's naptime. Your friend probably thought you knew her reasons.

If you like this woman's company, I would try to get to know her better.

chalk it up to her feeling overwhelmed being THAT pregnant and having to chase her older child around, who is still young enough to drive her crazy. I am in the same situation myself and some days I just want to lock myself in my room and shout do it yourself :) Of course I wouldn't but that's how exhausting it is this late in the pg when you already have a young child.

sounds like she's a good friend and when things are settled and you two are ALONE, you can calmly tell her that it hurt your feelings the way she responded to the invitation... that you UNDERSTAND she was feeling tired and overwhelmed, that you just want to make sure nothing else is going on with the two of you because her friendship means a lot...

good luck :)

Good friends don't come into our lives very often. It sounds as if what you guys have is something special.

While it angered me as I read your friends excuse on your post, I think that it is time to forgive and move on.

If there is one thing that I can't stand about people it is that they use their children as an excuse to get out of things. Children should not control our lives, but rather be a part of our lives. Our children go everywhere with us no matter what time of day, no matter what their schedule is. They are happy well-adjusted children.

My friend just cancelled on my daughter's birthday party, even though she RSVP'd three weeks ago and her excuse is that her husband wants to go out of town. I am very hurt by this and I am not quite sure how to tell my daughter that they aren't coming anymore because all she has been talking about is how much fun she is going to have with my friends girls. But, I still love her and even though I am hurt, I will still be friends with her.

Talk to your friend, tell her you are hurt. Forgive and forget. Easier said than done, but give it a try.

HI M.,
Yes it is weird, but don't worry about it. There is probably a bit more going on in her life than she can share with you right now. It isn't worth it to throw away a long friendship over a probably small incident. Also we must be careful when looking at situations, just because you can manage attending showers etc..when pregnant or with little ones.... doesn't mean other people can.
I had a friend when my kids were young whose children's naptimes ruled the day. We arranged our playdates around them. I thought it was weird but it worked for her. Bu ti fyou are feeling you are investing more into the relationship than you are getting back it might be best for you to be inthe process of developing other friendships as well.

Good luck,
C.

Hi M.,

Seems if you guys are good frends you should bring it up to her that it really hurt your feelings you understand her situation but you still were hurt. If she is a real friend this type of conversation will not hurt anything but make your friendship stronger. I would give it a shot before you cut off such a great and fulfilling friendship. Good friends are hard to find and I would hang on to it as long as you can. :)

K.

Forgive and forget. It sounds like a lovely friendship, and if her child is like my youngest when she misses her nap...well, I can understand her opting not to go, especially since she was within days of delivering a baby! I have turned down invitations I really wanted to accept because of naptimes, felt bad about it, but just decided I couldn't go through one more afternoon and evening of tantrums, crying, etc. (not to mention that I didn't think it was fair to the small child who would have to suffer for my wanting to go to a party at her nap's expense). Some children are pretty flexible if you disrupt their nap schedules, but others totally fall apart. It wasn't necessarily a bad excuse.

Hi M.!

Your feelings sound solid and true. You should always go with your gut. If you feel this way, it is usually the way it is. She sounds pretty selfish to me. You seemed to be there whenever needed. And more than that you were there for her children, even when you were pregnant. I had a friend like this. I seemed to be there whenever she needed me, but when I needed her she always had an excuse on why she couldn't be there. It really does hurt your feelings. Especially when you put yourself out there. Needless to say we are not friends anymore. So I know exactly what your going through. Keep your chin up. There are really good friends out there just waiting for you! Oh yeah best advice I can give you is be honest with her. Tell her what you feel, not what you think she might want to here, but what you really feel. It will be hard, because any confrontation is tough. But it will be able to let you move on. If you dont confront her you will regret it forever and these feeling will just fester. Good luck! Send me an email if you want and let me know if you need to talk or throw some ideas off of me. D.

M., You may not like this response but I do feel you are over reacting. I was feeling a similar hurt from my inlaws and thought that the reason they gave for not coming out to visit us (they are in Bflo, we live in PHX) was lame. Come to find out I should have just let it go and understood that they love us and support us and not asked the reason. I guess what I am saying is don't take it personally. Move on and continue the friendship, understanding that it was probably too much for her at that time. Don't ruin a friendship over a little ones B-day party. K.

M.,
You're upset because your friend couldn't attend your 1-year old daughter's b-day party? And she couldn't attend because she was 9 months pregnant and expected to deliver within a few days, and had a 2-year old to deal with at the same time? And you and your husband are friends with this couple?
I think you answered your own question. You should get over it. You will understand better when you are 9 months pregnant with your 2nd child. By that time you will realize that naptime is God's gift to mothers, not to be interupted by anything less than an earthquake or flood.
Please don't belittle email responses - after all, that's how this conversation is taking place!

Hi M.,

I would probably continue on with the friendship, at this point, it was not exactly a huge blow to your relationship. I would talk to her about it, and then see if the "true colors" that come out during that conversation are what you expected, or if she isn't who you thought she was. Pregnancy is difficult with all the emotional ups and downs & I bet you she was probably just exhausted... and that she might feel stupid over such a silly excuse - who knows? Not until you talk about how you feel would it make sense in ending the friendship. - Just my opinion.

Something that I have had to remember over the years is that other people are not like me. They don't always respond to things like I do, don't think like me, don't act like me, but they are still worth being friends with. The hardest one for me to learn to love is my mother-in-law. She is so different from me, but everything that she does that is annoying is not with evil intent. She just goes through life differently. Once I figured this out, I became a much happier and nicer daughter-in-law.

If you look at the things this lady does, ask yourself, "What could be a good excuse for her behavior?" Always assume the best of people and it is so much easier to enjoy them. For example, if she was not able to come to the party, I would assume she needs that naptime (ready to deliver anytime) or her child needs it desperately. Then I would see that it sure was easy for her to respond to your email considering how exhausted she must be. Or she might have taken the easy way out because she knew you would be devastated.

I would let her know how silly you feel now that you sent that reminder email. That you understand completely that she couldn't come and (jokingly) that you hope she doesn't end your friendship over it.

She needs to know that her feelings matter, even if they are different from yours.

Good Morning!!

I was reading your note, and If I may, I would like to mention that I live far from my family and my long life frinds, but I always appreciate every touch they have even if we are apart, and have miss echother life events like my son's b-day. I have always learn to value my friend for other thing than be present in a party or a dinner, I know I count with them no matter the distance, I hope you have that in your friend.
Friends are for life if we learn to understand and value eachother gifts and flaws.

I say, give your friend another chance. I know that when I am pregnant, I am almost a different person. Moody and tempermental. I also think that we moms get our feelings extra hurt when it comes to our kids. I know it would be more painful if a friend didn't come to my kids birthday as opposed to my own.

M.,
I am so sorry that your friend is a slave to "the schedule". My SIL was this way and our mutual friends and I would just roll our eyes and feel sorry that she was missing out. When SIL invited us to do things at our kids nap/dinner/whatever time we would say "Well, let's see, thats Babys XYZ time, but I think we can work around it- one missed/delayed xyx time is totally worth it!" This all must be done in the most enthusiastic of tones (absolutely NO condescending, sacrificial, martyr-like intonation or this will backfire completely). Keep in mind it may never work. She is not trying to be a bad friend but is simply putting her kids first. It sounds like she is really 'by the book'. Maybe that keeps her sane. I would just be a good example, expand your friendships, and be ready when she is. Also, she could have been just too tired and too embarrassed to say so (after all, you weren't too tired!) so she came up with a lame excuse about baby's nap time so she wouldn't hurt your feelings. I know I felt terrible the week before both kids were born. Others I know have felt fine. Don't lose a good friend over this!

I think there is something else going on in her life that she is not sharing. I don't think you should write her off because of this one-time event. Perhaps she was having a bad day or something. I think you should give her a break. It's too hard to find good freinds, you should be a friend to her even if it seems one sided at the moment...that's what a good friend would do.

I think you have a right to feel a little hurt but not enough to loose a friend over. I have a super close friend who has given extremely lame excuses for things that were really important to me and then at other times been there for me when I least expected it. I think sometimes friends just don't know what is most important to you and when. And I think you'll be rewarded for all the wonderful things she's done for you, even if it's not coming from her. We all have a relationship or two like that and I think it's good for our character.

M.,
This is only my opinion... I do think that you took it the wrong way. You say that she gave birth just a few days after the party... Do you remember being there at that moment a few days away from having your baby? It is exhausting let alone trying to remember everything that needs to be done ie; RSVP's ect..... Just forget about it and be thankful that you have a friend as your neighbor because some people are not that lucky to have a friendly neighbor!

M.,
No offense, but I do think you are over reacting a little. If this happened time and time again, I could see why you would be upset. But friendship really isn't about keeping score. I think you just have to let her off the hook this time since she was very pregnant and was probably tired. I wouldn't want to deal with a crabby toddler who missed their nap at a party when I'm 9 mos pregnant either. I'm sure she didn't even realize she was offending you. I agree that it was rude to not RSVP and then to simply respond to your email instead of calling, but the exhaustion of late pregnancy clouds our judgment a little!

M., I know how you must feel like you bend over backwards and are always so willing to give from yourself cause I went through that with my friends and family too. The more I gave of myself and the less they gave of themselves, made me start to feel not as important cause they wouldn't treat me the same. It took me a while, but I learned that some people can't give from themselves as much as other can. It actually made me feel better knowing that I was able to manage my time, my life and my emotions "better" than some people. So be proud for being a great friend. That is something no one will ever be able to take from you!

As I get older I am learning so much, one of the biggest things are am still learning and working on is do not judge. Because she won't interrupt her child's naptime does not mean that she does not care for you and your child. Some people are really strict with schedules. Maybe if her child is not kept on a schedule they have a miserable day. Also, every family has a committment to take care of their family first. This is one thing that is easy to neglect because we often care more about what others think. Things you have to consider:

1) Do you enjoy this person and want to be close friends or do you just want an acquaintance and playmate for your child? I ask this because this is a very real situation. I have seen this often.
2) Do you have a close enough relationship with this person (you said you were friends before children) to tell her how you feel? If so, I think that you should express how you feel to her in a loving way.
3) Ask yourself are you keeping score?
4) Did you consider that there could be some post partum depression? Some people
when they are depressed want to be around others, some want to stay inside and not
associate at all. Have you called and asked how she is doing and if everything is ok?
5) A big clue to me is you said she delivered her second a few days after the party did
you consider she could also have been having contractions? She also could have realized
it was really close to her due date and wanted to stay home during that time thinking she may go into labor. I had contractions for two days with my firstborn before going to the hospital, and it was so painful I would not have been able to go out of the house.

Please remember everyone is so different. These differences may be what attracted you to this friendship.

Here is a Bible passage that may help:

Matthew 18: 15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
21: Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

People come into our lives for many different reasons. Sometimes we are to be the encourager, sometimes we are encouraged by others. You need to evaluate if you enjoy
this person, do you really want to be friends? Do you feel that you trust her? Enjoy being around her? It sounds to me like you are feeling like things are one-sided. Maybe you need to evaluate if you want her as a friend or an acquaintance to go do things with now and then, play dates, etc. Maybe you need to evaluate if the realationship is healthy more than anything. You can be friends with an unhealthy person if you choose to, you just need to have boundaries and maybe not be really close to them. If a person is really unhealthy I'd be careful what I confide in them. Cordial but maybe not tell too much.

The thing I have found in some of my friendships that have gone sour is that we set it up as an unhealthy relationship in the beginning - where there was too much communication or depending on one another, etc. There can be a co-dependency. When we put expectations on people they are sure to disappoint us if are expectations are too high. Friendship is something to be enjoyed and it is like a marriage you have to work at it, sometimes you will give more and maybe sometimes she will. The problem I think we often face in society is that we think everything should be 50/50 well marriage is not like that sometimes I feel I give 80 percent sometimes I feel I give 20. Everything goes in cycles.

If you have been friends a long time I would think you would be able to talk to her.

I hope some of this helps Just know these are all suggestions just to get you thinking.
We all need to work on communication, I think it is a daily thing, minute by minute, second by second.
K.

Hi,
I can't offer any great advice except to say if you don't feel fufilled in the friendship and you don't feel like you are getting what you need out of it (since you have given so much of yourself) than talk to her about it. Be open and upfront and if she is still evasive or nothing changes than personally I would just no longer depend on her to be there for me. This has happened to me with several, several friends. I am always there for them and then when I need them, they dissapear. I always talk to them first about how I feel but if nothing changes I just stop putting out the effort. It is not fair for you to be doing all the work, friendship is a two way street and if you feel you are not getting a friend out of this deal but you are being one, than you need to look out for yourself instead.
I don't know if this sounds harsh but I am a good friend and I got really tired of being taken advantage of. At least if you talk to her first, you will give her a chance to explain or be there for you and if she is not there for you even after you talk then you can move on without guilt because at least you tried.

I definitely think you should try to get over it. It's obvious that your child's birthday party was important to you, but her lack of attendance or excuse does not mean that it wasn't important to her. Days before delivery make us think of many things, sometimes not a friend's child's birthday party. I would defintely say get over it, and invite her over again and get on with your friendship with her. Life is too short to let birthday party attendence get in the way with a good friendship! Especially one where the husbands also get along. Those are way too hard to find.

I can understand how that would hurt your feelings. I would talk to her about it. I bet she didn't come because she was so tired from being pregnant and probably wanted the naptime herself! You guys will be closer friends if you can totally be honest with each other. You can tell her that the way she handled it hurt your feelings and that you'd prefer in the future if she call you and that she can be honest with you if she doesn't want to do something. When you talk to her, talk to her calmly and own your own feelings.

I would skip the "I was there for this and that and that..." and keep what you tell her simple because it sounds like you are keeping score. When we are keeping score in our friendships and relationships, we're losing a chance to give with our hearts. I mean, I don't like to be friends with people that just take, take, take. You don't have to keep score with these kind of people though because you will usually feel drained every time you're around them!

True girlfriends will be able to cut each other slack when going through hard times like being that pregnant. I agree with the comments about it being harder being 9 months pregnant with a toddler. I only have one child, but I've frequently thought about how hard it will be to chase another kid around feeling like that!

Hi M.,

I hope this does not sound rude. Friends are precious and hard to find. Stop keeping score. Friendship is not about doing something for someone and then getting disappointed when they do not do the same in return. It is about giving of yourself for the simple joy of giving. Rather than be hurt, I would be concerned for your your friend and try to be of help to her. Good luck.

If this is not typical behavior of her, then I would chaulk it up. Have you known her in the past to be a little uptight about when her kids takes naps? sounds like you two are good friends, I wouldn;t ruin a friendship over it. But, if the rude behavior continues, I would mention it and go from there.

you said it. Who's counting. so maybe you shouldnt make such a big deal about it after all its a childs birthday party for goodness sakes. it's not supposed to be for the adults. and she did tell you that she wasnt coming, its not like she said she would and then didnt show up. i think that if you are such good friends yo should be able to talk about it and get over it. you seem to have so much more going to get upset over one birthday party. and every pregancy is different. just because yo were able to attend at 9 months doesnt mean she is having the same type of pregancy. jsut keep being a good friend. but if it continues to be one way and you have talked about it then you can assume that she is not as good a firend as you thought. just let it go

If you did something that hurt her feelings how would you want her to handle it? It sounds like you two were fine before this incident, so why would you want to scrap the whole friendship over one thing? Either talk to her about it or get over it. It's hard enough to find true friends after high school, value what you have.