My daughter who is 6 has been going to gymnastics for about over a year. She is a high energy, high emotion kid. Lately, she is just a spaz in class. So much so that she disturbs the other students. She isn’t like this at all in dance (on Sat mornings) and it has just started to be disruptive over the last month. It’s almost like she gets over-stimulated/frustrated because she can’t do something and then just freaks out, acts out, purposely messes up and then gives up crying or just sitting in the corner.
I only take her because she says she wants to go and says she likes it, but after tonight I can’t see how that is true. We don’t push her at all (this is for her - not us) - and have explained that all we expect of her it to do her best, listen to her teacher and respect others. But she is out of control - acts like a much younger child. The class is after school/work so we are on a faster schedule - pick her up, get her a healthy snack, get her into her leo and go. This isn’t a new routine - happens every Tuesday for the last year or so and in the morning before school I reminder her ‘today is gymnastics’, when I pick her up from school I explain to her – today is gymnastics – we have to be on task and here is our routine – so it’s not like it’s a surprise.
I have asked her if she is hungry, tired from school, if she wants to stop going and all I get is a very emotional NO! I WANT TO GO, last week we kept her out because she was just acting like a jerk before the class and I used the not going as a consequence and she threw the biggest fit I have seen out of her in YEARS - it was almost like she was 2 again. Tonight she opened up a bit and said that the other girls make her feel bad, but from what I have seen from the bench – it’s all good with them and I can’t get her to go into details. I think we need a break - it’s just not fair to the other kids to have her act like this, but she says she wants to go.
What would you do?
Thank you so much ladies! It really awesome to have you here.
We talked about it again this morning and I was able to get more details. I think she was just very upset with her own behavior she didn't want to discuss it. I brought it up again when she was in her normal happy mood and details poured out.
Like Nicole (thank you!) mentioned below. She is frustrated that she cant do things as well as she wants and as well as others. I guess there is one girl there (or so she says) that tells her she isn't good (who knows? I cant hear everything that is said.)
We talked about how she is perfectly great at many of the skills, but wants to be perfectly great at everything and how that is just not possible for anyone. We are taking a break for a few months, I told her that when she is ready to go back, she can let me know, but I expect her to not be disruptive, to do her best, listen to her teacher and respect others.
We also talked (AGAIN) about how she or anyone cant be perfect at everything all the time and how it takes practice and patience to do your best. That everyone has their own skills - yes, she might be the best at the splits, but others are better at handstands and that is just the way life is and will always be. Also, what matters is what she thinks of herself, not what another girl might this of her. I hope some if it sunk in and will stick with her - sometimes its hard to tell. :)
at the next meltdown i would have this child out of that gym so fast her head would spin. no anger, no recriminations, just a calm yoink out the door.
do not enable this behavior.
khairete
S.
Actually, I would do exactly what you did. If she can't behave, she can't go. You're not paying for her to have freak-out time. I hope she opens up and let's you know what's going on. Good luck.
I would pull her from the gymnastics class. Sometimes kids don't know what they want or need and it's up to us to step in an decide for them. Her behavior is a big red flag that this is not working for her for some reason.
Take her out. It is not fair to the others and she needs to knOW this behavior is wrong.
My friend's daughters both do this type of thing. She enables them by blaming others, who are not doing anything to her. I tell her "At our house there is one set of rules for people and we expect you to follow them."
My friend has had two pediatricians, all teachers, and numerous other people tell her she needs to stop making excuses for the girls and to be consisitent. She has made them into victims who can not or will not function.
Good for you for watching and taking care of her. You sound like a cring M..
My son (8) is only JUST NOW able to say if he's tired/hungry if he's VERY tired or hungry. Earlier in the cycle he can be hungry/tired and say something, but if the need doesn't get met, he will be LOSING IT and claiming at the top of his lungs that he is not x, y, z. Yet if I feed him (in the tantrum), or change his class to a different time *poof* he's fine.
Before resorting to behavioral stuff (punishments, dropping her from the class, etc.) I'd try the physical first. Feed her in the car on the way (something substantial, sammie/etc & milk or gatorade, avoiding quick burn and crash sugar like fruit/crackers) and see how that class goes. If she's *fantastic*, problem solved... she's just burning through too many calories (probably about to hit a growth spurt) for the added energy expenditure of the class.
If it's not a food issue, talk with the staff about changing times / doing a "tryout" at a different time.
Of course, all of this is assuming that there hasn't been a class change (new teacher or classmates), which can change the whole "feel" of a class.
Then, and only then, would I look at cancelling the class entirely.
Based on what you've written, it sounds like maybe she's frustrated at her inability to do some of the stuff in the gymnastics class. Do you think she's upset because she sees the other girls being able to do something that she can't do? That could definitely be a big source of frustration. Is there something she could practice at home? Maybe she isn't upset with dance class because she's better at it?
Maybe you could try skipping one more class and having a talk about why. It might end up shedding some more light on why she's getting so upset there. If you do take her back, I definitely agree that you should A) talk to the teacher, and B) take her out if she starts misbehaving again.
Good luck!
Yeah, I've been there...At six, they should be able to do what is expected (listen, follow directions, etc, not necessarily stick a difficult landing on the vault) in any organized activity, especially if it's one they *like* and want to go to. Maybe she is over tired and has held it together all day at school and needs to just let loose for a while after school. But you're right, it shouldn't be at the expense of the other kids in the class. If it were my child, I would simply tell her that she can't go anymore since she cannot participate appropriately. It's ok to take a break from gymnastics for a while. Maybe in a few months she'll be ready to start again. She may throw another fit, but letting her go back to class after a fit will just teach her that if she acts that way, she'll GET her way. Don't make the mistake of treating your 6yr old like a 2yr old, just because she occasionally ACTS like a 2yr old. Good luck!!
I think a combination of Riley's and Suz's recommendations might be in order - a more substantial snack (or small meal in the car), and then a quick removal from class if she has a freak-out. Give this a shot of three or so weeks: "Do you remember last week when you were disruptive we left class immedately? If that happens again today we'll have to leave immedately again. But I'll bet you'll be able to control your behavior really well today!"
Also - is it one or two maneuvers that she's having trouble with? Sitting on the sidelines and hearing other girls say, "Wow, Jane did that cartwheel so well!" and "Did you see how easily Karen did the splits?" when no one is saying that your daughter did something really well might be the "other girls making her feel bad". Would her instructor be available to help her out before or after class for 5 or 10 minutes one-on-one?
I think you should talk the instructor of the class, if other girls are giving her grief for the things she cant do or whatever..they are making class miserable for her..her own meltdowns or not. I also know that from the sidelines you may think its all nicey nice but kids who are out to cause trouble/ be mean ect.. can do it under the radar even if you are right there what kid is going to say outloud hurtful things with a room of adults around, not many. I would tell your daughter the next time it happens to immediately let you know during class time so it can be addressed.
You need to nip it in the bud. I think you should tell her that if she continues to act this way, you will need to take a break from the class - then stick to it! Sit out for a month and see what happens. Remind her before the start of class that if she cannot behave, you'll have to leave, and if she chooses to act up, she chooses the consequence. If she wants to be there, she has to act like she deserves to be there, and remember that the other kids want to be there too. Even if she flips out, stand your ground - "I am sorry you decided to not behave like we talked about - since you are choosing to misbehave, you are choosing to not come to the class for the next month."
Also, reading "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" might be helpful in trying to get to the bottom of why she is acting this way, and how to communicate with her more effectively.
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The first thing I would do is talk to the teacher. He/she can help redirect your daughter if she's having trouble. Outside of that I would continue to go and keep talking with your daughter. Quitting won't necessarily mean the behavior won't just transfer over to another activity. If she likes it, I'd continue. Try to talk to her about the issue the day before and explore options with how she can stay more connected during class.
Your daughter is old enough to be talked and listened to in more detail. You express your concerns and that you can't figure out what is causing her behavior. Tell her you realize she probably doesn't understand it either. Perhaps she's tired, needs a nap, but all in all, she can't seem to change it and it is regular. I'd just tell her that you believe it is best for all to take her either out of that class and to get another schedule to try (Saturday afternoon?) or to stop and try again next year.
Ask her if she understands your concern and that if she figures out any other problems, to talk to you about it. It's not like you're taking her out of it forever. Oh yes, talk to the coach to see how common or uncommon this is and to see if they have any insight on it.
I would pull her from the class. If the other girls are being mean to her, then that is all the more reason she should stop doing gymnastics. I assume she doesn't behave this way at her dance classes? Stick with dance, since she doesn't throw fits. If she insists on doing gymnastics, just tell her that two activities is a very busy schedule and it's just too much right now, and maybe she can take gymnastics next year. Maybe you can have a rule - only one activity at a time, so you can alternate between dance and gymnastics. Maybe her next gymnastics class can be on a different day with different girls.
One more thought - some other poster suggested that maybe going to gymnastics right after school with no down time is too much for her. That could very well be true. Maybe you can only have her activities on the weekends. Maybe she just wants to come home from school, have a snack and just relax and do nothing.
She is probably jealous of the other girls and doesn't know how to say it. Her acting crazy is to get herself a little attention.
Does she have time to run around outside for a few minutes before you go to class? It might just be that she needs some "free" time after school before going into another "class" situation where she is expected to follow instructions and not be disruptive. First grade expectations are a bit higher than they were in K. And the school day lasts the entire day, no afternoon nap/quiet time. Also, it is the time of year in a lot of schools when they are gearing up for standardized testing, and that can create additional pressures for her.
Can you squeeze an extra 10 minutes somewhere so that she can unwind a little after school before heading out again? Run around outside, swing on the swings, be silly together with her?
At the end of what you have paid for stop. I had to do the same with my daughter when she was 6 for swimming lessons. The consequence will come a bit later than she is used to, just remind her that it is coming & no matter how much she begs stay firm. She may improve like my daughter did, I still took her out for a season & before we started up again I told her if she was disruptive again I would again stop paying for classes & we would not start back up.
Pull her. Let her have dance. That ;s enough anyway she is only 6. If she wants to try again this summer or next fall try again. She'll be a little older too.
Well my two boys have focusing issues. My middle son has those type of issues just at home but not outside of our house.
My oldest child is much calmer but has a diffcult time focusing. His Ped put him on Focalin and we noticed a improvement.
At her age every one of my older grandkids and their friends went through a phase that lasted about 6 weeks. It was exactly like this, we started giving a high protein snack, chicken sandwiches, meat, etc...and the difference was able to be seen within minutes. It will pass very soon, just be firm, have the teacher handle the misbehavior in class.
Let them have her sit in time away. Our gymnastics teachers make the kids sit beside whatever area they are working on and that enforces the missed opportunity more. IF they aren't there weeing the other kids having fun and doing the things they are supposed to be doing it really doesn't mean anything. Take her to class and let them make her sit out if she misbehaves.
Don't take her out of class. Take to the person who enrolls and see if there is a class not at 4pm. I hate the days we have those. It's so hectic getting from school, getting the snack, finding out how the day went, just talking and seeing each other. I prefer the 5pm class to any other because it's still early enough for dinner after and having family time. But I occasionally like the 6pm class because it's smaller because everyone is home eating dinner.
I tend to think if the other girl is bothering her then talk to the teacher and make sure she and that girl are not in the same group. Our classes can have anywhere up to 26 kids in them. Each teacher takes 3-6 kids and goes to different area. One to the bars, one to the tumbletrak, one to the beams, one to the floor area, one to the rock climbing wall and activities in the basement, etc...each teacher has a manageable group and is able to keep them focused and not waiting in line too long to do each area.
Don't drop her, you know this is good for her and it fits well with her desires usually. This phase will pass. It's only a few months until the end of the school year. If she is still having issues then don't enroll her for Summer classes.
This is an individual recreational class, not a competitive team, correct? You stated you signed her up for her, for her enjoyment, correct? Well, since the class is causing much more in the line of tears and tantrums than fun, plus disrupting the other children in the class, I'd say it's time to quit. Whatever it is, the time of day, the other girls, the teacher, the activity itself, obviously something isn't working. I would just tell her you've decided this class is not working out for her, so you've decided to not let her continue, period. I'd tell her if she enjoys gymnastics, you will give her the opportunity to sign up for a different gymnastics class this summer or fall. If she still wants to do it in the future, look for a different center for a fresh start.
Take her to the park where she can play freely on the jungle gym and other climbing toys. She'll gain confidence for the days in gym class.
I would have patience with this. Often we are far more embarassed than we need to be. If the teacher hasn't said anything to you, it probably isn't as bad as you think it is. Our gymnastics coach lets me know if there was an issue, and typically the issues are things I didn't even see.
The one thing I would like to mention is that perhaps there is more to this than you are really seeing. She is six, and probably learning new reading and writing skills at school everyday. If this is a new behavior, is she feeling a lot of mental growing pains at school right now. Perhaps she feels like the other girls are picking on her because she is really fried by the time she gets to gymnastics. Then, she isn't able to always do the new gymnastics skills right away, and this is just one more struggle during the day. I am a perfectionist and so is one of my sons. I remember being really upset as a kid because earlier in the day I hadn't nailed something. My oldest kid often refuses to try for fear of failing.
I would talk with the teacher as well, and definately consider that you may have to scale back activities for a while. No big deal really.
Best of luck,
N.
L., just wanted to add as support that my 6 1/2 year old has been throwing fits, too. I don't know how many times I've asked her why she's acting like her toddler sister!!! Last time it was over not being able to do her hair by herself. I step in to help her in the morning, I encourage her about how she's done a good job brushing, putting in a pony tail or headband, but that I need to help with barrettes, braids, etc. You wouldn't think its a big deal, but she has a crying meltdown about how she wants to be able to do her own hair and have it come out just right! I think you're doing great with encouragement, maybe a break, and just patiently riding out the phase. I'm glad to hear my 6 year old isn't the only emotional one!
I think it might be chemistry with some or all of the other girls in the class. Sometimes my son is a complete spaz with certain kids and others he is fine with. I would check into switching her to a different class and see if that helps. A really good non-sugary snack with a drink like milk might also help.
Talk to her teacher.
Often kids "spaz" out like that, but when it comes to performing in front of an audience they do really great. It may also be that she is in a growth spurt. She may also be bored out of her mind. Lots of reasons. But before you do anything like pulling her out, talk to her teacher. Also try to change classes. It may also be a bad time of day for her.
Also, don't think of what is fair for the other girls before what is good for your daughter. Your daughter should come first.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things to make this activity work: reminders, snack, regular routine. Your daughter doesn't act like this in dance class and only started being disruptive in gymnastics last month so this behavior is not characteristic. So by process of elimination, I'd believe her when she says that the other girls make her feel bad.
It would help to know if the other girls are doing something mean on purpose or if your daughter is feeling bad because of something inside herself. Whether or not she continues the class is secondary. I would try to find the cause of her behavior and help her find ways to cope with those triggers. Otherwise the outbursts will happen again next time she is in a similar situation.
