Groping for the Right Words

I agree with those who said to be there for them, literally. Also, I think the most honest and heartfelt words are simply I love you. Just be there for them when they need you and if you are at their home, offer to help with other children in the home (if applicable), straightening up the house, even getting their outgoing mail to the post office. Many people forget to get bills and such sent out during grieving times and some just can't bring themselves to go out anywhere yet.

We have lost my grandfather, my husband's grandma, and his aunt also in the past 3 years and I think what helped more than anything was for us to help the families keep some normalcy. For example, I know my mother in law could not possibly think straight much less want to leave the house to get her bills paid when her mother passed so we ran errands for her to get them done for her.

Just let them know how much you love them. Love helps us get through difficult times.

I have lost several loves ones, including a fiance. Losing a young person is particularly difficult on everyone, as it reminds all of us of our mortality. Loss is never easy, but when a young person dies we all feel such a sense of loss because you just don't expect someone young to go. I now practice estate planning and probate because I wanted to work with families that suffer loss, and thus I see people deal with grief on a regular basis. The posts before mine have great advice. Other than what has already been advised, you might just concentrate on being understanding, state that you know you cannot understand the true nature of their pain since each loss is different, DO NOT tell them to hurry and get over it or any form of that advice, tell them to be good to themselves and know that with time the hurt will turn to fond memories of the good time they shared; remind that death is only hard on those of us left behind; my faith assures me that my lost loved ones are warm, safe, and happy while they wait for me to join them. Remind them that God really knows what is best, and if he chose to take her early, then that was best for her. God will give her loved ones the strength they need to get through this time. Also, remember that if it did not hurt this much, it would not have been worth it. Encourage the family to seek grief counseling, either through their church or a family therapist. They really will benefit, if nothing else from knowing what to expect and how to deal with other people etc. good luck and I am sorry for your family's loss.

All you have to say is, "I'm here if you need anything" & that's it. Just be there to give hugs or a shoulder to cry on. Do little stuff for them like bring dinner over or get them out of the house. Good luck.

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter 12 years ago and I got sick of hearing "Are you o-k?" by well wishers. Of course I was not o-k or anywhere near o-k. The room kept spinning, I went through having a normal feeling to feeling much anxiety.

The best thing that someone did for me was to invite me to a party (like a Tupperware party but it wasn't Tupperware). It was the best medicine for me since I was always interested in this type of activity.

Your niece's mother may have some other type of activity that she might enjoy with you. Making things seem as though life can really go on without her daughter.

I am not making light of anything, I still grieve to this day over the loss of my daughter. But with the help from a few of my friends, I have made it through.

After my mom died I learned their are two kinds of comfort; the kind that listens and offers advice, and the kind that helps distract you when you can't stand thinking anymore. As a Christian I knew what the Word said, but I appreciated the friends who would distract me when my grief overwhelmed me. I hope that helps.

When my mother-in-law passed away a year and a half ago, my brother-in-law took it especially hard, mainly because he was living with her while she was struggling with cancer and was the one to find her when she passed. There were no words anyone could say to give him any peace. So many people tried to help him. He blamed himself. He said he wasn't a good son. He thought God was punishing him for something he had done wrong. He felt such guilt and heartache, it was just terrible for him and all of us trying to get through the grief. Turns out, time is what he needed. Time and just people to be there for him to listen. My ex-sister-in-law stayed in the house a couple nights so my brother-in-law wouldn't be alone and after that, we let our oldest son, who was 18 or 19 at the time, stay with him for a few weeks. Just having someone there with him that he could talk to and do things with to keep his mind off his pain is what ended up getting him through it all.

My best advice is just be there for them. Literally. Go and spend as much time as you can with them. Let them do the talking and respond in the kindest most understanding way possible. Telling them this is what God wants and everything happens for a reason and all the other nice things people try to say to make others feel better in this type of situation will more than likely not help them very much right now. But having someone they can talk to and who can empathize with them, and time, will eventually be what gets them through it.

I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you and your family can find some peace soon.

Hi S., when I lost my parents, I have no idea what the well wishers said to me. There are a couple of weeks that are just a blur and all I remember is the pain. What ment the most to me where the little things people did for me. There are no words you can say that make the pain better. I know that my parents are Christians, and that I will see them in Heaven. I know that they are in awonderful place with no pain or suffering. but it still hurts. I had a friend that came to my house and planted a special section of garden for each parent, thet was by far the most meaningful thing anyone said or did for me. People would come by and get me out of the house, I had a 3yr old and a baby, they would set up childcare and let me go do something fun etc. Those are the type of things that I remember, not the words.