Grandson Doesn't like Our Family?

He's an age that is notorious for separation anxiety - which means he is nervous around anyone except his primary caregivers. Just keep loving him and give him time to move through this phase.

He's 2 - and he doesn't know what he likes or dislikes.
Spending time in a day care or mothers day out won't change any of that.
Being social with other kids doesn't make him more social with you.
Besides - kids this age don't play well together - they parallel play next to each other - and squabble a lot.
Give it a few more years for playing with others to develop.

It's most likely the terrible twos to be followed by the terrible threes.
Plus it doesn't sound like he's got a lot of stability in his life.
I'm worried that all you seem to do is worry about whether he likes you.
You're his grandparent - some spoiling is to be expected - but you still have rules and boundaries - and he's testing those.
Be a firm adult in his life that he can depend on - he'll eventually love you for that.
Don't worry so much about being his friend.

You sound like my MIL. And I agree with Mamazita.

My mom spends her visits chatting with me and my husband - when the kids warm up to her, they approach her and she asks them what they would like to do. She's not trying to be the favorite grandma. Nor their friend. She's just an older person in their lives who shows interest in what they are doing. She never critiques us as parents. So we are relaxed and comfortable with my mom here. The kids are too.

On the flip side, my MIL comes armed with gifts, plans and expectations. She critiques my husband. She quizzes us constantly as to what my mother does with them. She makes comments. She seems unhappy. She has the guilt moments - passive aggressive remarks that we somehow are not doing enough to make sure she has these close bonds with our kids. As if it's on us. Or the kids. The kids sense this neediness. Feel she really isn't into them so much as herself and haven't bonded with her. They seem uneasy around her.

Recently she called up and asked to speak to our youngest. Invited her to a sleepover at her house. My daughter said "No thanks" and handed phone back to her dad. My MIL cried to my husband "What have I done?" and then my husband, yet again, felt he had to deal with his upset mother. Because her expectations were not met.

You can't force relationships. It will come if you just let it be :)

I think if you want a good relationship with your grandchild you should focus on the relationship with your son. HE is the dad. Respect him and his values, I mean you raised him, right? Being a grandparent isn't a right it's a privilege. You have had your children now it's your son's turn. A three year old who bounces around from home to home among who knows how many adults is bound to be shy and somewhat anti social. If you keep giving your son a hard time and nagging him well then he's not going to want to come around much is he? I know I wouldn't :-(

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Are you getting in his face and expecting him to love on you the minute you walk in the door?

Tell us what he is doing that makes you believe this?

As a grandmother - you are to spoil the child and hand them back to the parent. Not criticize the parent for something.

He's THREE YEARS OLD!! Give him a break W.! Allow HIM to come to you. Don't get in his face and demand attention. He might be in overload mode and of course he's going to be sour!! BACK OFF!!! He picks up on YOUR frustration. This isn't about you. It sounds like you expect this 3 year old to believe and treat you like some God. You're not. You're his grandmother and you need to DEVELOP a relationship with him, not demand it.

You want a lot from him. What are you willing to do? Can YOU pay for the mother's day out? can YOU take care of him sometimes during the week?

Stop putting YOUR expectations of what he should be on him or his parents.

BACK OFF!! When you go over to see him? Say Hello! How are you? Let him get used to you being there. this kid is being tossed around like a ball from house to house and people to people...did you STOP and think about that before you started your whining?? Let him settle in your being there. Do something - make cookies, get on the floor and play with him. Take him to the park. Remember it's about HIM and NOT YOU.

good luck!

I agree with Mamazita. Remember your place in all this and covet your time with him. If I were you, I'd make myself the "most fun Grandma EVER".... 3 year olds love to help cook, play in the backyard pool (plastic will do if you don't have the other), read books with him. Make your house a place he LOVES to come to.

D.,

Please stop. You are comparing your grandson to others. You are comparing their relationship with others. You are part of the problem here. Have you thought about what this kid is going through? Have you thought of how HE feels about having two homes and two people to "make happy" so they don't fight anymore? He's not even 3 years old. What type of relationship do you expect to have with him??

It's NOT your place to tell your son what YOU FEEL his son needs. He is the parent. Not you.

I'd love to have a video playing without your knowledge when you are there. I'd love to see how you interact with him and his father. Without knowing the camera is there, I would be able to see the "real" you.

Do you bring GI Joe's over?
Do you bring Lego's over?
Do you get down on the floor and play with him or do you expect him to come to you?
Do you take him to the park and push him on the swing or slide with him?
Just exactly WHAT do you do with him? HOW do you interact with him? If you could provide that information, it might be helpful.

What you really need to do is not expect him to jump for joy right now when he sees you. Let him get to know you. Build a relationship with him. You do that SLOWLY, not in one sitting or visit. It will take time. Imagine what this kid is going through with not having any stability and having you come in and have these high expectations of him. Let him be a kid.

NO he does not need daycare! If anything, he needs more of a feeling of stability and security with the people he already has in his life. He is getting tossed around from person to person and family member to family member. Also, maybe he is just shy. I had great, wonderful grandparents, but at three, I much preferred mom and dad. Stay calm. Be gentle and loving. If he doesn't want to come to you, sit back and just be happy in the same room as he is. Read books, sit on the floor and have great snacks on hand. Maybe take him to the park with dad, etc.

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I don't understand adults wanting young children to "like" them, whether these are your children or grandchildren or nieces/nephews, whatever, your job is to care for them, love them, protect them and guide them, not be buddies.
Obviously if you are a caring loving grandparent your grandchild will grow and learn to love and respect you naturally, that's how healthy families grow. It's not something you can force. Just spend time doing fun things, create memories, this is such a wonderful age, ENJOY it and stop comparing yourself to others!

I have not experienced it (at least, not as a grandma... I've seen my own kids enjoy certain family members and others not so much), but I do have some advice.

Let it go. You are WAY over thinking this and making a mountain out of a molehill, not to mention out of something probably temporary. Your grandson is not even 3 years old! He lives with his mom and her parents (his maternal grandparents) most of the time. Sure, your son gets him 2 days a week, and alternate weekends, but the majority of his time is spent with his mom and her parents. It's where he probably has the most stability. He knows what to expect there. Not so much when he is with his dad, sounds like. With dad, he is bringing him to spend time with you part of the time he has him, right? If I read this right, that's TWO homes he is splitting time in during the Tues and Thursdays and alternating weekends. That's a lot for a 3 year.

Why do you assume your son is "making excuses" for his behavior? And by the way, exactly what "behavior" is it that you have an issue with? You simply said your son makes excuses "for his behavior." The excuses being he's tired, he's grumpy, he's not feeling well. All of which he might very well be. Dragging him off to another home (aside from his dad's) when he's tired will make him grumpy. Duh.

But what "behavior" is it, anyway?

It's also natural and normal for kids this age to have favorite people. Maybe you aren't his right now. But you telling his dad that he's "coddling him" isn't going to change that.

Honestly, maybe there is more to this than what I am reading in your post, but just what I read here, it sounds like you are WAY over involved and have too many demands on both your son and grandson. He's not even 3 years old!

You think the solution is to enroll him in another environment? That switching between 3 isn't enough? Because he needs to be more social?? He's not even THREE.

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BRAVO, Patricia G!

i am calling just a phase. kids like people one day and don't care about them the next. i would relax about it

You be you; calm, consistent, loving and undemanding. Stop giving advice or opinions to your son regarding his child, his parenting and the situation in general. Unless you have been in the middle of a divorce and child rearing post divorce, you are out of your depth. Even in the best of divorces, co-parenting is the gold standard which is missed more than both sides want to admit. When the relationship between mom and dad post divorce is acrimonious, co-parenting is impossible and survival becomes necessary. The children involved are neck deep in a dynamic they have zero control and understanding of. The children bear the brunt end of both sides whether it is good or bad. Compassion and understanding goes the distance and smooths a lot of choppy waters.

As a stepmom I have watched my husband struggle with both well intentioned and mean spirited advice. Generally speaking parents don't need or want advice. They want and need unconditional support. Anything less and it only comes across as criticism. There is plenty of self recrimination in a divorce and the subsequent efforts at co-parenting; your son doesn't need more. Also as a stepmother we have played the dance of the child loves me, hates me, tolerates me, etc. Children go through phrases; children in divorces deal with extra baggage which can make it hard to trust people and warm up to them, magnifying a particular phase. My husband and I went through this love-hate relationship with my stepdaughter at four. Every single pick up involved thirty plus minutes of crying and carrying on drama regarding how much she the child didn't want to be with us and how she only wanted mommy. It lasted a year. A long, painful, slow year. After about an hour of pick up she was okay with my husband. She was not prepared to be okay with me. I gave her space and sometimes my stepdaughter would come around and sometimes she wouldn't. We ignored the outbursts and understood she was stressed, trying to cope and making sense of a life shattering event. One of us getting up in arms about my stepdaughter not liking us was not going to help. There were plenty of times I cried and carried on but as an adult I did so behind closed doors and tried to keep my husband and I on the high road with the best of the child our sole focus. We found letting my stepdaughter be a kid and be unconditionally loved and supported made all the difference even when her mother was busy trying to pull the world down on all of us.

I think you're expecting too much of a 3 year old whose life is already in chaos. Think about this...if his parents were married, how often would you see him? My mom was part of my childcare team when my kids were younger so they saw my parents 2-3 times a week but once they started school, it became once or twice a month and usually that's due to celebrating a birthday or holiday. The see my in-laws weekly during the summer and then only a few times a year outside of that. So...what does "as much as we can" mean? Do you see him every weekend? On some of the weekday visits? If it's that often, it might be too much for a kid who has limited time with his dad. When he's with dad, that has to be just dad and son time a lot of the time, not dad and grandparent time all the time.

I think you need to step back, lower your expectations and just be a consistent, low-key, loving presence in this boy's life. Stop thinking negatively about how his parents parent him and trust that they know what's best for him and will figure out what he needs as he grows and changes. Trust that your relationship will develop over time, and back off.

I suggest that it's unlikely that he doesn't like you. It's more about his age and his reaction to the stress of having his parents' separate and adjusting to being in two homes. You're a third person in his already complicated life. He's only 3. He's not able to verbalize his feelings or understand them.

I suggest you spend more time just being with him along with his Dad. Don't try to play with him when he's not in the mood. Spend time just being there without expectations. Accept him as he is.

What you call his Dad's excuses are real. Kids do react in a negative way under those conditions. Please do not take his actions, words personally. Relax, let him be obnoxious. Show him that you love him even when he's having a difficult time. Be sympathetic. Let his father deal with the behaviour. If he's alone with you, follow his father's lead. Keep life with you consistent with life with father. I suggest that you can choose to not spend time with him when his behaviour upsets you. I have 3 grandchildren under the age of five. I only spend time with all three when I'm comfortable with their energy level.

I suggest you read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber.

Please, stop telling your son how to raise his kid. Don't you trust him to do an okay job? Put yourself in your son's shoes-- first, his relationship with the child's mom fails and now his own parents are giving him grief.

My own in-laws are great at telling my husband how much *they* are worried about our son. "Coddled" is a word for eggs, not for kids, is what I tell my husband. What makes me saddest about this is that my in-laws somehow don't understand that their 'concerns' come across as a lack of acceptance or confidence in their son's abilities. He's a good dad. Their idea of how their grandson compares to other children is completely out of touch; they aren't usually around 9 year olds. My husband doesn't need the extra criticism, he needs support; fortunately, his skin is pretty thick in this regard and he tells me about these baffling statements and then we try to let it go.

Honestly, though, it makes me mad that their son, my husband, who is such a good person and who spends time with our son --good, quality time-- still gets these weird, unnecessary statements which have nothing to do with anything other than my in-laws own worries and anxieties. What a shame to put that on your kid. And that's what you are doing to your own son.

Do you think you didn't do a good-enough job raising your son? If not, then leave him alone. If so, then look into your own feelings... you understand that you are doing the same thing to both your son and your grandson-- somehow, they are both not 'measuring up'. I'd readjust your expectations if you want things to improve. Revisit some child development websites. Find out what IS a reasonable expectation of a child who is nearly three. I'm not saying these things to be harsh, but so you can go about constructively correcting your mistaken expectations and improve your relationship with your son and your grandson.

So what do you do when you see him? Do you sit on the floor playing? Do you take him to the park and push him on the swing? Do you play hide and go seek? Do you have dance parties? Color pictures together? Kick balls around the yard? In other words how much time do you spend actively engaging with your grandson? At that age they are busy and the way you bond is by doing stuff together.

Two year olds are kind of bipolar. They are happy, sad, upset, elated, frightened, sleepy, happy again all in the course of 5 minutes. You as the grown up need to recognize that they aren't mini adults and deal with it. Instead of googling grandchildren who don't like their grandparents maybe you need to google activities a grandparent can do with a 2 yr old. Ball is in your court so figure out how you are going to play the game.

From one grandma to another - I would try to have a relationship with this little guys mom. It works wonders if you can be a nice, friendly person who both parents can call and know that their little boy is loved and wanted. Maybe you could call and ask her if it would be possible to take the little one to the park for an hour or just play outside with him at his mom's house. I hear these complaints from my friends who are grandparents and I just don't understand it, they won't reach out but they will complain. If 90% of your grandson's life is with his mom and her family then you need to figure out where you fit in that situation. You FOR SURE need to not say anything negative about how they parent. I guess it's up to you if you want to have your grandson love you and want to come around or if you want to be in charge of how he is raised. It is a wonderful thing to have grandchildren - don't blow it!

Things are sort of smooth between them. He wants things to stay smooth.

I suggest you talk to your son about your desire to be in his child's life. Let him take the lead. He doesn't even have to let you see him at all, you get that, right?

So try to allow him to parent/co-parent his child with this woman. Since he's 2 years old he's okay to be at home. Can I suggest you find out if you have a Head Start pre-school program in your area? If you do and this little guy will be 3 by the day it starts and he's potty trained then he could do the Head Start program. If they want to wait until he's 4 they can start him in Pre-K at a local public school or even try to get him in the Head Start Pre-K program. I don't think it's the same but they think it is.

He's only "home" for another year is my point. So enjoy him being a pre-school age child and let him have fun and enjoy being at your home and doing fun activities with you.

This must be so difficult for you ... to just want have a good relationship with your grandson. Give it time and just keep loving him. Get on the floor and play with him, read book together, make playdo, color. It's going to be a lot of hit and miss, but you will find things to do with him that he loves. Don't be afraid to keep doing the same things with him over and over again. Remember, little ones don't get board nearly as quickly as adults, so even if you get tired of reading "Green Eggs and Ham," he might want to hear it again and again and again.

Try not to worry too much about his behavior. That's really something your son has to work with him on. I know my boys don't always behave, but I kind of resent it when my MIL tries to tell me how to parent. I do know that she means well, but it makes me feel like she thinks I'm incompetent. I know often has a point, but it still gets on my nerves.

He's almost to the age where a little social interaction might be good. Many kids begin preschool at age 3, so that might be a good idea. But that's more about socializing with other kids his age, and you're asking about how to help him bond with you. It's just like any other relationship. It takes time and patience and lots of attention. Just keep loving him and trying things with him until you find something that works.

ETA - I just read your SWH. Relax! You don't have to take him on all kinds of outings or buy him lots of toys. Outings and toys are great, but what he needs more than anything else is for you to spend time with him. He needs you to be genuinely interested in him. Play with him, read to him, etc. Your time and attention is what is going to mean the most to him.

Initially I thought that maybe mom is saying things like, "Oh, I know you do to want to go to see daddy, etc." Maybe it is true and maybe not.

However, I do not think you are overthinking. But be careful that dad does not bar your visits since you are criticizing his son.

As to the video camera comment, every one of us can benefit form the use of a video camera to see how we react with people. This is not just something that anyone should just say is beneficial to you....