Grandparents Spoiling Em Rotten

No one likes being alone, why would you expect a small child to be ok with it just because she is an only child?

In theory, I see what you're saying. But she's O.. I have an 8 yo 'only' who cannot be expected to "be alone" OR "entertain himself" for very long...you've got a while before that's happening.

I can see your point, but wish I could trade places with you. Neither my parents nor my husband's have had a passing interest in our boys.

You don't teach your child to be independent by allowing her to cry because she has been left alone or trying to force her to play alone. In fact, it will have quite the opposite effect. She needs to know that you, the person that is most important to her in her entire world is always there for her...then she can have the confidence and assurance to step out and BECOME an independent person.
You can't expect a 12 month old to be independent...she has no concept of "self"right now. It is almost basically impossible to "spoil" a child at this age!!! I applaud your little girls grandparents for being there for her...it sounds like it has been sort of a tumultuous year...since you and her Daddy are not together...and she is spending some of her time with you, some with him and some with her grandparents.
As long as the food that her grandparents are giving her is healthy, not sweets and empty calories...but fruits, vegetables etc... as long as they are just enjoying her and spending time playing and interacting with her....they are doing a great job!!!
DO some research on Attachment Parenting...read the books by Dr. Sears....and you will understand what I am trying to say.

I see your point but she is only 12 mo old. You can expect maybe 5-10 min of independent plat at most once or twice a day. It sounds like the grandparents are doing a great job and you are too busy to be with your daughter and trying to blame them for making her getting used to the good parenting style. Independence comes from courage and courage comes from love and support of family. I think your parents are doing the right thing and you need to be more active with your child. It is frustrating when kids do not want to be by themselves when they are little but because you have so much to do. Try taking baby with you when you do your stuff. Kids do not care what is it you are doing as long as you are together.

I understand a desire to establish a foundation for the future but your post alarms me. As others here have advised it would be beneficial to read up on child development. The best way to foster her ability to feel secure with alone time is to build her trust now. That is done by responding to her needs. Her needs are vastly different that your needs. Your post gives me the impression that you have trouble understanding young children. Look into books that are often mentioned on this site, such as Love and Logic. Find what method works for your family and then share it with any caregivers. Getting everyone on the same page is helpful for all. Good luck!

My one year old can play alone and keep himself amused, only if I or someone is in the room! This is so normal!
My husband and I can be in the room with him and if one of us leaves the room, he comes after us... If he can't get to us, he throws a fit.
My little guy cries for about 2-3 minutes at naptime before falling asleep if he is napping in his crib.
My oldest is 3 1/2 and he will play alone in an open room like the playroom, but he does not go to his room and play alone. Kids are social beings and if you are a working mother, of course she wants to be with you!
Give it a few years, like 10, and you'll wish she was more dependant!

Hi Galactic Gal

Yes. There is only 1 thing you can do. I NEVER let my family 'babysit'. Don't confuse roles. Family is for spoiling kids. ESPECIALLY if yours is the only one they get!!!! I have the ONLY KID on my mom's side of the family. Her sister didn't have any. My brother and sister didn't have any. You'd think mine was the 2nd coming of our Lord and Savior for the entire world and the Christian Religon.

The hard cold fact is that the rest of the world sure does get in the way of your parenting, now doesn't it?????

But - don't despair. It's actually GOOD for your daughter that she has other influences around her. 1 is a bit young, but pretty soon she will figure out that not everyone is the same and they will adapt. Strange creatures we humans are!!!!!

1 year old is also right when they become super aware of a couple things:
1. Wait - there's more in the world than just me?
2. Wait - if I cry those big people come and give me whatever I want!!!!!

What you are describing is very developmentally normal - for kids with siblings AND for only kids (at 1 they don't really 'get' if they are an only child or not anyway).

Being spoiled by Grandma & Grandpa & Aunts & Uncles won't teach her NOT to be independent. it will teach her that those family members LOVE HER and give her stuff.
She'll learn the independence just by how you raise her and the behavior YOU model for her.

At 1 - she DOESN'T enjoy being alone. At 3 she WON'T enjoy being alone. At 7 she WON'T enjoy being alone but she will probably understand that is how it works and when she doesn't have a playdate she is expected to play on her own for a while.
By 10 you will have forgotten what she looks like because she wants to spend so much time ALONE..... except for the heavy sighs she gives you when you ask her to do something (like clean the fish tank or the bathroom) and when she wants you to wash her fave shirt or cook her something to eat!!!!!!!

To answer your direct question - you can't help everyone to understand that what they are doing is NOT in her best interest. Cuz they think you are crazy and they just want to love on her!!!!!!

Just my $0.02

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At about 12 -18 months all babies go through separation anxiety. It's a normal stage and it goes away once the learn object permanence. That just because an object is out of sight it'snot gone. It takes a few months and it is resolved until they have a separation event, such as starting child care in a new place.

It may be this along with the things you see too. I think all grandparents have lots of fun spoiling their grandkids. I think it's because they are past the making the kids mind and see what is truly important. Spending time with the kids and having fun. Most parents can't see that because they are so focused on schedules, rules, future outcomes, etc...that they forget to actually enjoy their child. The holding and cuddling are things that matter, that don't go away, that fill that child up to the brim with love and make all the difference.

grandmas will be grandmas and they dont raise the grandkids like they do their own kids. and moms will be moms :) you will never convince her this isnt right and if you tell her she will say ok and do what she wants when you are gone. seperation anxiety will happen wether grandma is spoiling her or not

Honestly from what you are describing here she seems like a pretty normal 12 month old. You are blaming the grandparents for this and that just isn't fair to them in all honesty. So what if they give into her every single second of their day-let it go sweetie. There are much bigger and much worse things to deal with. I hope I'm not being too harsh here but I too felt this way with my twin girls with both sides of the parents. They are 8 years old now and they are perfectly well adjusted sweet little girls-for the most part-lol! There are certain things my children are allowed to do at ONLY Grandma's or Nana's home and they know the difference. Have they ever tried to push those boundries-of course! They are children! However consistency is the key. They know what mom likes and what is acceptable at mom and dad's home compared to Nana's. There are certain things they do and share with only my mom and I don't always "like" it but its something they share with her and as long as they know that then its all good. They seem like they are very caring Grandparents and take very good care of her so relax momma and let go and let be. I know sometimes I felt this way when I worked full-time and I had to leave my kids-it was the mommy guilt and I'm not saying that is what this is at all but once I realized this things went alot smoother for me mentally and probably everyone else involved. Just breathe and know that your little girl will grow up and she will be independent and all those things you hope because you are her prime example.

Both parents have to be on the same page - always a work in progress, but keep at it. As far as the grandparents. That's harder. They are "programmed to spoil". If you aren't happy with the care they provide talk to them, but you always have the option of finding other care right? I'd try talking to them first - they may not know what you want them to do or why.

Gosh no 12 month old enjoys being alone in a room with the door closed, spoiled by Grandparents or not. She is way way way too young for this. And just for future refrence...you can never hug a child enough. Time not spend with them when they are young like that is time wasted. I see nothing wrong here what the Grandparents are doing.

coming from an adult who actually does like to be alone...lol. so yes, some people do like it! and i had to adjust my thinking when i had a baby. 12 months is still a baby. my son didn't really start playing by himself till closer to 4 (also an only child). although for a few minutes here and there, younger. it really starts small. it's no big deal though, except for nap times, she can be with you, right? and someone mentioned that 10 minutes is totally normal to cry before a nap - they are right! now if you were talking 30 or 45 minutes, then it's a problem. but ten minutes of crying before settling down for a nap is absolutely fine. the other thing to keep in mind, this is about the time they start learning that different houses have different rules. enforce your rules at your house and let the grandparents spoil her. that's their job. if she only cries 10 minutes for you at nap time, i have a feeling she's already learning that mom doesn't come a runnin every time she fusses. this is a good thing! you really don't have an issue right now. she's fine. hang in there! we all question everything at first.

I think most grandparents instinctively spoil their grandchildren. My in-laws are no exception. For our family, picking our battles has been the key. For example, I allow my FIL to give the kids C., but he has to wait until AFTER lunch. Certain things about their schedule are simply off limits. It helps to point out to Granddaddy how cranky both boys get when they don't get a good nap. It just about kills him to leave them alone long enough for a good nap, but his reward is being able to play with happy kids the rest of the day. Granted, it's easier for us to set these boundaries because our children are not with their grandparents EVERY day. Perhaps it would help to pick one thing at a time rather than trying to set ALL the boundaries at once.

Um, she is 12 months old, of course she wants attention and not want to be left alone. That is what babies do! She will learn, as she grows, to be content being alone. But at the age of 12 months, to expect her to enjoy being alone - that is ludicrous.

What her g-parents are doing is absolutely normal. She can learn to be independent and self amused AND be spoiled by the g-parents. I am an only child and that's how I was raised. I was totally spoiled by my g-aprents, but I knew when I was home that was not how it was. I do enjoy being alone, but I sure didn't like it when I was younger.

It sounds like you are condemning her to a life of loneliness and needs to get used to it. How sad for her...

Can't help with family they are gonna do what they are doing and I haven't found a way to stop that, but as far as encouraging independance...well, I let my daughter from 6 months on play for short periods in her room alone, but i could see her at all times. She would crawl back & forth from me to her toys and then once she started walking she would go back and forth a lot!! she eventually got used to the distance and i found having music playing in her room made it more inviting. She never would play longer than say 15 mintues at 12 months without coming and checking on me, but that time lengthened over time and now she is turning 6 in a few weeks and she loves playing in her room by herself. I am now then one that goes and checks on her, but she is always just playing nicely in there and I know it is healthy and that she is comfortable by herself. My son unfortunately never got that experience as his sister never let him be, but he is almost 5 now and he is starting to learn how to play on his own now that she is in school and he has had to adjust. best of luck to you.