Grandparents as Daycare

There is NO 4 month old on this planet 'watching' TV.

The baby is young yet. I would feel SO wonderful to know that he is being cared for by loving relatives!

"How to" in terms of other issues will emerge as he gets older. Do not over think, and think too far in advance! Some 'old dogs' (like me) CAN (and will) learn new tricks as the need arises!

Relax...let the 'grand parentals' enjoy him for now. One cannot 'spoil' a baby!!

Best

I can't blame you for worrying about having different rules and guidelines, but I don't think you can change it, so long as she is watching him/her for you.

I would set an age, perhaps 18 months, and let her know he/she will be going to a preschool at that age.

That way, you are both prepared for the financial and emotional changes.

I am in the same situation as you, going on 7 years. My mom and my MIL/FIL split the week. At this point it involves three kids and two different school drop-offs and pick-ups (we mitigate this a bit with daddy doing the elementary drop off and some after school care a couple days a week).

I am as hands off as possible. They are doing me a huge lifetime favor we cannot pay back- saving us tons of money. Building solid relationships with our kids. making their homes as warm and comfortable for them as our own.

Do I wish my MIL would stop giving them donuts every time they are there? Yes. Do I wish my mom would actually do a craft project or something with them now and again? Yes. Do I wish they would both stop relying on the TV so much? YES.

Do I say anything... rarely. Trust me, it is easier that way. They will be happier if they have the space and trust to care for your little one and you will in turn be able to rely on them longer and not burn them out.

My mom I can pretty much tell her what I need, but I am more gentle with the in-laws. Of course there are times I requested things- usually as a "hey lets all work on this" like the pediatrician has asked us to limit the juice... Or "can you brush her hair today and clean of her face before I get there? We have an appointment right after I pick them up..." but mostly I do not dictate what they should be doing, or feeding my kids. If there is THAT much you need to specify in your child's care because they are THAT different in philosophy from you are... then maybe that's not the best choice for care anyway...

ETA: I also think it's good to preserve the "grandparent" relationship. Let them be the spoilers, the ones who give special treats, let the kids get away with stuff. They've raised kids and now they deserve to enjoy grandparenthood. If they have a discipline system that doesn't work, they will be the ones to deal with the ramifications of that. The kids learn quickly what they can do where, and whatever goes on at the grandparents home usually doesn't translate to the "real" home.

Relax. My mom watched all of my kids 3 days a week, for free, until they were in Kindergarten. Does she have the TV on more than I would like (as in all day, every day)? Yes. Was it being "watched"? Not really, it was just on. Did I make gentle "suggestions" like going to story time at the library that she laughed off or ignored? Sure. Did she fight with them over things I don't care about, like whether or not they wore socks? Every darn day. Was she a little trigger-happy with time outs? Yes, but I'll probably be more impatient in my 60s as well.

But...were they loved and adored? Safe? Well cared for? You bet! They definitely reached a point by around age 3 where they preferred their day care (2 days a week) because they had friends, and a play ground and activities, but they also like their down time at Mimi's house. She potty trained my kids, taught them how to read, and shared things with them like her love of gardening, tending the houseplants together, visiting the neighbors, etc.

Basically, barring truly important things like what to feed your infant, safety concerns, second-hand smoke and the like, if it's her house, it's her rules. She's family, not your employee. If you want more control over childcare, you have to pay full price to a professional. I would let these small things go and stop thinking about what *could* go wrong. Enjoy the fact that you don't have to put your infant in a germ factory daycare this winter, enjoy that he is being loved and is getting one on one care, and deal with any issues if and when they arise.

"We are lucky enough to have our parents watching our 4 month old while my husband and I are at work. My MIL watches him 3 1/2 days a week and my parents do the other day and a half. "
Yes--LUCKY.
Don't blow it.

I agree with all of the other posters - her house, her rules. Your child will figure out immediately that there are different rules at each house and that won't cause him a problem at all. Kids are not stupid; they catch on fast. Your MIL raised the man you fell in love with. Give her some credit. Your son will be just fine. As for the TV, once he starts talking you are going to be amazed at the things he already knows because he sat in front of Sesame Street. I don't, of course, advocate tv all day long, but it is good for them to watch one or two educational shows. It definitely doesn't hurt.

A 4 month old shouldn't watch any tv! I forget the age they say it's ok but google it. Then get some articles and show your MIL. It messes with the wiring development in their brains. At least that's what the experts say. Then just ask her if it's going to be too much if she can't have him watch TV. There will be so many issues that come up as he gets older, you do need a really open dialogue. I think I would say that to her "MIL, we need to be open and honest or one of us will start to feel resentful or uncomfortable."

no matter where your child is during the day the rules will differ than your home rules. I would much rather my child(ren) be with family that love him even if that means a bit much tv during the week days. You will never be 100% satisfied in anyone who watches your kid that isn't you

I see a clear distinction between the role of grandparent and the role of care-provider.

When I looked for who was going to care for my daughter when I went to work, I looked for a facility that was similar to me.... that had the same ideas about play vs education / snack choices / interaction style. Just like you can't go in and tell a daycare how to run their business, unless you have hired someone to be your employee you can't tell them how to do their job.

You haven't really hired your son's grandparents to be your employees - you are simply paying them some cash to offset their expenses and compensate them a bit for their time. That puts them not in the role of caregiver and not in the role of grandparent.

I agree that I would speak with your husband and determine a date that you will put your son in a "school". But then make sure that you establish consistent times that they can count on still getting to be grandparents so they don't feel like you have shut them out when you no longer need them.

Until then I would not say anything to your in-laws. First of all that's your husband's job to talk to his parents about his son. You handle your parents. But I would tread very carefully because as sure you are that your views are correct, your in-laws are sure their views are correct. After all they raised your husband.

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ETA - I see some posts about when "discipline" starts. Discipline and consequences / punishment are two different things. Discipline starts almost immediately with how you respond to your child. How you handle it when they start trying to roll over during diaper change, or spit food out of their mouth. Discipline is coaching or teaching what behavior you WANT to see.
Punishment or consequences will happen if discipline is not utilized correctly.

For probably the first 4-5 months there really aren't consequences or punishments. You don't put a 4 month old in time-out, for example. However, once they get mobile and more aware you will absolutely start to guide their behaviors.

How do they interact with your son as he wiggles during diaper changes? How do they interact with him when he is "done" with his bottle and pushes it out of his mouth after 2 ounces? what about when he "squeals" or makes very (very very very very) load noises? That is when *true* discipline starts. By gently and supportively guiding your son's behavior and interacting WITH him to engage int he world - as opposed to "reacting" when he does something they "don't like".

A 4 month old shouldn't be watching ANY TV. Barney, Sesame Street, or anything of any kind. Period.

When he is older (maybe 12-18 months?) some 30 minute Barney or SS episodes while Grandma is prepping lunch or cleaning it up or something might be a help for her, but isn't a requirement.. kids can be entertained with toys and blocks and it is a good skill for them to learn to play alone.

I'm not sure how I'd approach it... but if you are paying, you should be able to say "no TV" if that's what you want.

Frankly, regarding the fact that your MIL *could* be making more money doing something else is irrelevant. What might be relevant is what it would cost YOU to enroll your child in 3 day a week day care instead of paying grandma.

On the one hand the recommendation is no tv for 2 yr olds and younger.
That would be if the kid is plunked down in front of a tv as a substitute for interaction with the caregiver.
I don't know your MIL, but I hope she doesn't do that.
On the other hand - your husband turned out ok - so she did something right.
As for time outs - I wouldn't use them under 3 yrs old - and it's only 1 min per age in years of the child - so 3 min time out for a 3 yr old child.
It's suppose to be a distraction/redirection to a desirable activity - not a punishment.

Something to think about - some grandparents are up for looking after grand kids while they are immobile infants - but can't handle the kids when they get more mobile (crawling/walking/climbing, etc).
Some grandparents are more spry than others.
I don't know what your long term plan is.
Are you thinking they will be daycare until child is in preschool?
At some point grandparents might want to be grandparents (visit with them for the purpose of spoiling them rotten) as oppose to being daycare.

I would discuss with her that you would like him not to have so much screen time as a toddler and infant and suggest toys and activities he enjoys. You might also ask if you should bring something over for floor time, so it's easier for her to entertain him. And tell the same thing to your mom just to be on the same page.

When you start discipline with time outs, tell both sets of grands what you are doing, how you are doing it and your feelings (your plural) on other punishments like spanking. She is grandma, but she is also a daily caregiver who needs to be able to communicate with you and vice versa.

Be sure to also point out what you like - as in he gets to be with family instead of a daycare, and gets to have this QT with his grands. Balance the concerns with praise. Bring up concerns privately. Praise publicly.

I will babysit my grandkids ---- when I have to. If I am not working and one of them is sick I will help out. I do not want to be the 'daycare'.
I spent 34 yrs raising my own kids, then a few more years taking care of my Mom until she died. In a word I'M DONE taking care of other people before ME. I don't want to be tied down.

That being said ---- Feel fortunate your parents and hubby's parents are so generous with their time. They could say no and be pursuing their own interests.

Every thing Shannon R said - I didn't ready any further down.

When my mom gets my daughter off the bus for me now (she is 11, but we don't want her walking home alone on a regular basis) she normally takes her to her choice of places for an afternoon snack/drink. It's often Starbucks and more often than not she will come home with a gift card to use at a later time. I love it though. I love that my mom and daughter get that time together. I love that the bond grows and my mom is helping us out for free. Do I wish she would bring her home so she could get a head start on homework? Yep. Would I tell her that? NO!

When you are getting free help ($100 a week is basically free) you have to be grateful. Don't cause strain in your relationship with them or in the relationship between your child and grandparents by laying down the law. If you aren't there, they are the boss(es). That's how it should be if they are in the caregiver roll.

You have to deal with it if you still want this great deal.

So tricky! For me, I would be more worried about whether she naps and feeds him as u like. Is she going to start giving munchkins when he turns one? Will she hold him during nap? Day care would not but he will get so much love and attention. Hubby turned out well, right? I would bring toys there and gradually a library flyer or sign up for swim lessons if grandma is capable. But yes, tread carefully.

My parents were more involved when DS was an infant, they now do aftercare, picking him up from school at 3 and having him over until we pick him up after work at 6:30pm. Do we have pet peeves about their care? YES. But overall, he is in a safe, loving environment, getting home made food, lots of love and attention.

As your kid gets older, you might be able to shape the care that they give under the guise of using the best tools for this particular kid. i.e. my parents spanked us. We were not opposed to judicious and restrained spanking. Trouble is, my kid, esp at 2 and early 3, thought it was an invitation to roughouse and wrestle. He didn't think it was corrective. removing him from the danger, a strong firm no, distraction, and plenty of praise for self regulation/ good behavior worked best with him. My parents came around quickly to this strategy.

The down side to grandparents as caregivers. Mine are understandably too tapped out to do the occassional night out, or overnight that some grandparents choose to do.

F. B.

Her house her rules. You don't have the right to tell her she can't have her TV on in her own home. That's way beyond controlling.

If you don't want him to watch TV why not put him in child care, it won't cost you much more than $100 per week if you shop around. Be sure and go with a full facility though. Home child care are allowed to have their TV on any time they want it on too.

I turned on the TV for the kids and it didn't do anything to them. Kids have been watching TV since the TV was invented. Good grief, anyone can find a statistic to say what they're trying to convince others about.

He'll be fine with her. If you don't like the way she treats him then put him in a child care facility.

My mom watched my oldest full time 5 days a week free of charge until she was 3 1/2 years old and I quit my job when my second was born. I dealt with some similar issues. The TV was definitely on a lot especially once she got to be toddler aged. She fed her a lot of things that I wouldn't have, she was slack with discipline, and she spoiled her rotten. I tried not to say too much. I would ask her to not give her sweets, and she'd brush me off. I didn't ask her to turn off her TV, she would have been offended and angry and I was not in a position for her to tell me she couldn't babysit anymore.

My oldest is now 12. I still think some of the inconsistency between our homes has had a bit of a negative effect. She is extremely demanding, has a spoiled brat attitude and expects us to cater to her. We don't, and haven't, but it's a constant fight.

However, we never could have afforded full time daycare so I can't really complain. She was well cared for and loved and that was the most important thing.

You have to decide if you can put up with some of these things, or you can't. If not, there are excellent child care centers that you can utilize.

You feel more comfortable with your child being with your parents because they raised you so you know how they parent. That being said maybe your hubby should talk to his parents about the amount of tv your child is being exposed to. At this point he really isn't watching tv he's just looking at the colors and movements. If he is with her all day for several days then this could be an issue in the near future. If she's parking him in front of the tv maybe it's too much for her to watch him so much.

you ARE lucky. wow, if i could have had grandparents instead of in-home daycares, i'd have been over the moon.
he's 4 months old. the tv is not going to hurt him one little bit.
and it's perfectly acceptable to work your own parenting philosophies into your (lucky!) relationship with your in-laws. it can either happen in light conversations that occur naturally as time goes by, or have a happy loving sit-down with them (maybe take them out to lunch) and a deeper discussion about the way you want your baby handled, and how to keep developing it moving forward. this does NOT need to seem as if you're 'fixing' anything they're doing wrong. and yes, you're perfectly within your rights as parents to want your kids treated and disciplined your way, not simply accept the status quo because they're at your in-laws' house.
it doesn't have to be a conflict.
'ed and june, i can't tell you how delighted and grateful we are to have you helping us out, and that you are so involved in little watson's life. we're all loving this magical baby phase, but he's going to be getting around soon, then the busy toddling stage, so we should probably discuss together how to handle teaching him 'no' and other behaviors that are going to arise so we're all on the same page.'
and you do want it ironed out in advance.
my parents spanked my little guy one time. i was LIVID, but when i cooled down, i realized that i had been raised by spankers, and i myself had spanked, and hadn't enlightened my folks as to our evolving philosophy, so it was on me.
it's not fair to expect your in-laws NOT to do things you don't like, nor to read your mind.
and you're really asking for trouble if you fall into the 'my parents are fine, but yours are a problem' trap.
don't go there.
khairete
S.

This is a fantastic reason to use a daycare center rather than relatives. If you feel it is important to avoid screen time (I agree with you - we did zero screen time before age 2), then you either risk hurt feelings or your plans for child rearing will simply not happen. Same thing with discipline. You either discuss (in a non judgmental way, when your child is not present) how you want discipline to happen (and certainly expect both sets of grandparents to take this personally as criticism of how they raised their kids, because they will), you just decide your values aren't important and let the grandparents do what they want or you get a childcare provider who works for you and doesn't have a personal relationship complicating matters.

wow really? slow doiwn-your putting the cart before the horse..my kids grew up watching plenty of tv-didnt hurt them a bit-your child is 4 months old..and watching sesame street..confused? its a learning show-plus theres 100,s of other crappy shows he could be watching..4 months old-really? as far as the discipline-hmmm hes 4 months old-do you think by 6 months hes gonna need this? slow down-cross that bridge when you come to it-be glad that you have family babysitting-i raised 2 kids with no family help-keep focused on the positive youve got-and stop looking for trouble..

You are wise to be concerned and thinking about this already before the really formative years are underway. I had a similar situation, except that I moved my mother in to my house as an exchange for daycare, so it wasn't "her house, her rules", it was my house. But that didn't matter to her. When I wasn't there, she did whatever she wanted to do regardless of what I wanted. She let my daughter sleep in until noon because she didn't want to get up before noon. She parked my daughter in front of the TV all day so she wouldn't be bothered to play games or read books. She refused to even take her outside to play in the yard. She would let her sit in her highchair for hours at a time and claim that it was because my daughter ate so slowly (she parked the highchair in front of the TV, btw). Discipline was non-existant except for yelling and spanking. And then there were the safety issues. She would leave my daughter laying on the changing table while she left to go get something she forgot. She refused to lock up the cabinets that contained cleaning products or medications because it made them too hard to get into. She would leave knives and kitchen shears (yes, the kind that cut through bone) on the edge of the counter because that's where she happened to lay them down after she was done with them. I had talk after talk with her about why so much TV and sitting was bad for my daughter, and about how she could really get hurt if she got into the poisonous chemicals or got her hand on a knife, but my mom wouldn't change a thing. I pleaded with her. I fought with her. I even begged her to be a better caregiver 'for the health and welfare of her own granddaughter'. But not even after my daughter got into the cleaning chemicals under the sink and I came home to find bright blue liquid on the collar of her sleeper would she change anything (thankfully, I figured out it was Jet Dry which wasn't poisonous, but still...) And now, at 6 years old, my daughter is a spoiled brat with entitlement issues and anger issues, lacking the ability to keep focused unless it involves watching TV, missing vital social interaction skills that she should have learned years ago (don't throw things at others, don't hit/push/kick, etc). In the first month of kindergarten she got in trouble so often the teacher and I had to come up with a plan to get her behavior in check. How she ended up being raised while I was off working two jobs trying to make ends meet was so far from how I wanted her to be raised, it's heartbreaking. Like you, I really thought going into it that I was "lucky" to be able to have a family member taking care of her instead of some stranger in a daycare. Like many of the others who have commented, I looked at myself and thought, 'well, I turned out okay, so I'm sure it'll be fine'. But if I knew then what I know now, I would have given up anything to get her into a good daycare with structure and activities and real playtime that doesn't involve a TV or being stuck inside all day or spending hours in her highchair three times a day. Seriously, if you already have $100/wk to pay your MIL, you almost have enough to pay a daycare. Tighten your belt a little more, cancel something you don't really need, find the extra money and get your child into a licensed facility where there are standards for care. In a perfect world, all caregivers (even relatives doing you a favor) would respect the wishes of you as the parent, provided that they are within reason. (BTW, asking a caregiver to not let your child watch TV and to use the same discipline methods that are used at home are well within reason.) But in reality, even if you asked her to do those things, she might choose not to when you're not around to see what goes on. And that might end up okay in the long run, but it might not. Why take the risk? Unless you are completely stuck like I was and this is your only option, you may want to consider making a change sooner rather than later. Especially if you are already having these concerns at 4 months. If you feel like you are going to have to sacrifice what is best for your child because someone is doing you a favor, that's a pretty good indicator that it's not the right situation for you.

Here's the thing: if you aren't paying a reasonable wage, (childcare providers make around $10 an hour), people often feel that they are doing you a favor. So, your MIL is likely doing what she feels is 'okay'.

If it were me, and I was wanting someone to do it my way, do a professional job of the work, then I would hire a professional. When I was paying for child care for my son (and he was older, less needy), it was at the $10 an hour rate. It's because I value the quality of the child care and am willing to pay for someone who I know will be treating it as a job and not as a favor they are working into their day. If you think about it, an 8 hour dayx 2.5 is about 20 hours a week. So you are paying about half of what the service is worth.

You have to decide if you want her to be Grandma or an employee. Personally, I'd go for Grandma and hire someone at a reasonable rate where you have more say in the situation. I think it will improve your relationships all the way round in the long run.