Grandmother Needs Help

Well 7-8 is a very tough age. I thought my son was the only one that was challenging but my neighbors informed me that all of their boys are the same. My son is seeing a therapist due to his ADHD. Her recommendations- ignore and don't let him bait me, similar to how we don't give in to a toddler when they throw a tantrum, we don't give into an 8 year old either or they think it is okay. Kids have to earn privileges. You want to go to the mall? First clean the living room up. Use the earn method instead of taking things away whenever possible. If taking things away, stick to what you say. Positive reinforcement is better than negative. And spend about 15 minutes a day doing something he wants to do, like playing ball. I would also find some activity that you can get him into.

It does get better. The worst summer I ever had was when my daughter was 8 and we moved to a new town. Once school started and she found friends she improved.

Make a poster.
House rules.
Review it morning & evening with BOTH kids.
Lay out the consequences for breaking a house rule.
Consider having them earn their electronic time by no infractions, etc.

Ask each child what they'd like to do as far as activities: soccer, baseball, martial arts, 4H, gardening, library visits, and include anything you know is in your area to the choices.
Your town should have a web page and might have links to local clubs, activities, etc.
Local libraries usually have a ton if activities for kids that age.
If you've had them since birth, and have recently moved, they may need to make new buds. Activities and school will provide that opportunity.
Good luck!

Im sorry that you're going through this. The older child sounds like he may have an anger disorder and if not brought under control could get violent when the testosterone kicks in later. You really need to get a handle on this now. Talk to his pediatrician and tell him you want to have him evaluated and ask where in your area he can get a diagnostic. Most large hospital or university systems can do this. Then his therapy can be more targeted. Even if the 6 year old doesn't have these issues he will pick up on the behavior problems of his brother particularly if nothing is done about it. Does your daughter or son have these types of issues? Many people like this turn to drugs or alcohol letter to self medicate so they can deal with the world. Get him help now.

It sounds like there has been a lot of turmoil, so maybe some of it is that. Moving is difficult particularly if there are no activities and few friends (or all new friends). At some point, kids may be old enough to figure out that they are different from other kids in that they live with Grandma & Grandpa, not with parents. They can be resentful of anyone keeping them from their "real" parents. I don't know if the 8 year old is cognizant of those things, but it's worth considering.

How long does this child's tantrum go on? You say it goes on for a long time, but are you observing 10 minutes of fury, or am hour? What happens at the end of it? Is he calmer, or is he still seething? How are you getting him to his room? Do you and your husband yell too? What is his demeanor at other times, how does he handle frustration in school, how does he handle other authority figures? How long has he been in counseling and have you given it enough of a chance to work? Are you and your husband meeting with the counselor as well? Is this the right counselor?

You don't say why you moved to this town that has nothing going on. If it was for an essential job situation for you and your husband, that's one thing. If it was not a well thought out change and if it was not well handled with the kids, maybe you need to re-think it. It would seem that leaving your husband is a pretty desperate move. You don't really explain this very much so it's awfully hard to make suggestions. Is there other stress in the family? Are you considering leaving your husband for any other reason? Are the children seeing negative ways of dealing with anger and frustration that they are imitating?

I think you need some good help and advice right where you are. You want to cry, you are going crazy, you want to move. You could benefit from some support and some good parenting strategies that reestablish you and your husband as equal partners and deserving of respect, and ways to show these two children that they get much more of what they want when they are reasoned, non-violent and respectful. Somehow, they are getting the idea that this bad behavior is beneficial - they are getting some sort of a payoff, either because someone is giving in to them ultimately or because they are getting a whole lot of attention (even negative attention).

If there is something else really seriously going on with the 8 year old, you may need more help. A colleague's child had serious rages as well as learning issues and major food sensitivities. When they took steps to solve the food problems (and not by taking away more foods - they had already done that), the rages actually were the first things to go away. So a lot of really erratic behavior can be traced to other causes.

Good luck. Don't give up.

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. God bless you for being a stand-in mother to these children who so desperately need you.

I suggest that you read the book "Parenting With Love and Logic." I think you'll find a lot of help there.

I am also a grandparent raising grand children. Keeping kids busy is so very important.

What I don't understand though is this. You said:

"I have had them since the day they were born and my adoption became final last year."

"A lot of it I am sure is from moving from a town where we were so active, to a town that has nothing for kids to do and to far to drive for it. I have even considered on leaving my husband just to get back into the activities we were in before."

How is it you've had them since they were born yet they moved from a town where they were so active?????

That doesn't make sense. Either you had them and they have lived in this small town with nothing to do or they were with their parents until recently and are resentful towards you because you took them out of the life they had.

Please clarify this for me please. I am sure something was left out or I missed it.

Also, you need to find a local grandparents raising grandchildren support group. We find a lot of help through ours. Ours is sponsored through RSVP.

Is he in a sport? A club? Keep him as busy as possible.

I'm sorry, I don't have any good ideas at this moment, but the one thing I can offer, since I work with teens(and this is what I sometimes do with them), is to try and let some of the stuff roll of your back. I have found "Oh well..." to be a very useful phrase. If he is blaming you for something, say, "oh well..." and leave. Some of this stuff is just irrational nonsense and not worth responding to. Really pick and choose your battles with this kid.

When you choose them, obviously make sure you follow through on the consequences.

Sorry you're going through this - parenting is exhausting.

Welcome to mamapedia!

Ignoring the situation is NOT going to help. It hasn't yet, has it?

You ARE doing a good job! He's acting out. He realizes his family is different from others and the move didn't help. At 8 years old, kids are becoming VERY aware and things like time out don't work.

I would suggest you get family counseling. Learn how to communicate with each other. They need to understand WHY you moved from a town with a lot of activity to a "nothing" town. It sounds like you are harboring some anger and resentment over the move as well since you are considering leaving your husband over this move.

Is their biological mother in the picture at all? What about their biological father? They could be VERY confused at the whole thing as well.

Please seek a family counselor! Don't give up!

Since he's in counseling, can you schedule an appt. to speak with the therapist to get some ideas on how to handle this? I've heard it said that with counseling, things will get worse before they get better because they are dealing with emotional issues. Perhaps that's where some of this is coming from. Between perhaps hitting on some touchy subjects in counseling and apparently a move, he's probably out of sorts. Do speak with the counselor and continue to be consistent and love him. That's about all you can do.