Grandmother Needing Advice on How to Handle 22 Month Old Emotional Outburst

I think your idea of starting a support group for Grandparents is an excellent one.
It is obvious that you really love and are concerned for your granchild. It is the consistant unconditional love that will melt this all away. Your love of a grandmother is exactly that, you have it to give and you have it in abundance. Very firm boundaries will be resisted at first but will give him the reassurance and stability he needs. Clear the rooms he is in as best you can from items he may use to hurt himself or others should he throw them. And then the next time he chooses to throw a tantrum simply walk away and leave him to himself. Of course monitoring from afar. It is your attention, love and reassurance he is after. Right now he is getting it through negative actions. When he sees it does is not working for him he will eventually stop on his own. When he does, reward him with hugs and reinforce his choice to stop. Through out the day when he is not in tantrum mode affirm and restate how good he is, express your love for him and just play with him.
It is hard for such a little guy to express his feelings in anyother way right now. I can only imagine how sad, angry and perhaps guilty he may feel that his parents are not with him. He will come to find through your sure and steady love that he is not the reason they are not with him and that he is loved. I support you.
From one blessed grandmother to the other,
F.

I was touched by your situation and feel badly for all involved - although this could be the start of a much better life for him. I would start by saying that I have a five year old and 18 month old. My 18 month old can be incredibly moody and throws surprising fits - and I think my kids are in a very stable and secure home. So you are in part facing an age - in case you have forgotten :) - when it is perfectly normal for your little one to be emotional and easily frustrated. I am sure his history and these changes are affecting him and making it worse, but that age is hard to start with.

Kids need consistency, stability, structure. they thrive on it. He will not see you as "Mean Grandma" for setting expectations and following through. He will develop a trust and security in you which will make him feel safe and loved. There is plenty of time for freedom and giving in to him. Now I think the more structure the better!

I believe that spanking is just plain wrong. But especially with a kid who feels insecure and may have seen some bad stuff, hitting is probably the worst thing you can do. He is already acting out physically, you don't want to model more physicality for him.

We don't really use "time outs" at my house. We simply redirect. If you aren't nice with a person or toy, then that activity stops. If you don't say please and use words (or signs) then you don't get what you want. Punishment with a toddler is rarely effective and the only time I really use it is if there is hitting, biting, etc. My older daughter started getting punished closer to three - going to a toyless room, losing a toy or a priviledge, etc. - and I felt she could understand the warning and the consequence clearly. She is a really nice kid , but gets in trouble for back talk, grabbing/pushing, etc. In my case, my older only hit or bite once or twice and the youngest never has.

My mantra is a calm demeanor - don't let them know they are frustrating you. Talk all the time, because you are really verbalizing for them, since they aren't very good at it.

That's not to say I never lose my cool because I do. But I always apologize to my kids if I yell, slam something, etc. I want them to know it is olay to be mad, but you can't act out because of it. Redirection and calmness is often easier said than done. But I find that some times the quieter and calmer I am, then the quicker the crisis passes. Let him have his tantrum, and say "Are you done yelling? Good calming down! Now we WILL clean up the toys before snack." And then help him do it, and praise his success in calming down and obeying.

As for his parents, I would give him a photo album of them, and encourage him to talk about them (or call and see them as appropriate). That won't undermine you at all - tell him that his parents are making bad decisions, but they love him and it's okay if he loves them back. But let him know that he is safe and secure with you and that he has a home with you whenever he needs it. He needs to learn, even now, that you can love people, but you can't let them hurt you and manipulate you. By gaining custody, you are taking a great step in saying that you love your child, but you love him just as much and will do what is best for him.

Good luck!

For a child that has probably been through a lot and has had his little world overturned, he's probably completely out of control. He may throw things because he saw people throw things when they're mad, even it not at him, but tolders throw too because they can't communicate well and they don't know how to show their emotions. I agree you don't want to ignore bad behavior, it will get worse, we just to put my son in his pack n play, it was safe and he couldn't get out like he could the time out chair, even at that age. When he has these tantrums, you may want to try the calming method, he probably is so overwhelmed inside he can't handle himself. Try covering him with a blanket tent (don't lay it directly on top of him, but over the couch or chair to give him a quiet dark space and a lovey, a soft toy or his blanket, give him a chance to calm down. Then deal with whatever caused the tantrum. As he learns security he'll come around. Good luck and god bless.

First I just have to say, I am sorry to hear you were put in this unplanned situation. But I also know when we are put in the most unplanned situations, they a lot of times turn out to be the best. I am not a grandparent nor do I have one that is in your shoes. I am a parent however, and I know how difficult parenting can be. I am sure it is different as you need to get adjusted and your grandchild needs to get adjusted. Just the fact that you don't want your grandchild to think you are mean shows that deep down inside, he never will know better. I am not sure how long it will take to adjust but I do think the idea of a support group if there is not one already is a great idea. It does not have to just be other people who were put in the same situation as you, you can bond with other parents as well. Technically, you are now that child's parent. You are still his grandmother, but if you have to restructure his behavior it is now your right to do so. I am sure it will be a struggle for you both, but that is where it will help you to find that help from others. My son went through phases at 2 and still does at almost 3 and still probably will for most of the years I have yet to raise him. He bit, hit, banged his head against you and lashed out in various ways. He threw tantrums and still does. Medically, doctors have found the reason this happens a lot of times is because a childs brain at that age is developing at a different rate than the body so it effects behavior. We try different punishments such as spanking, time out, taking away toys and such but at that age it is hard to know what will truly work and most of all you just have to be patient. Rewarding good behavior is always great as well. I know you're in a different situation but even after your grandson comes to realize and accept you as his parent, I'm sure you will still have battles to fight. Just know you are not alone, and I do hope you can find others you feel you can turn to. God bless!

I'm not a grandmother raising my grand children, and I can not imagine the struggles that both you and your grand son are facing/dealing with, but in my experience with my kids I've found that if I let them "get it out" they come out "refreshed" on the other side. The little guy is probably going through more than any child should, and all those changes create fear in him which he channels as tantrums. Hold strong and keep the plates away from him :-) If you have to re-baby proof the house then do it. An ounce of prevention in terms of baby proofing is worth a pound of sanity!! :-) Hang in there and you are commended on the responsibilities you have accepted!

I think it is so wonderful that you are able to take care of your grandson. You are doing a wonderful job, and it shows in your seeking help! If you are up for reading any books I strongly recommend 'No Cry Discipline Solution' by Elizabeth Pantley. I am currently reading it for the second time. It is chock full of fantastic ideas for teaching your children how to handle their emotions.

Good luck!!

To be honest, at 22 months if his parents used drugs you don't know what he has been subject. If you have good insurance or the money I would recommend finally a child psychologist. For the time being whenever he throws his tantrums I would remove anything in his way so that he can't get his hands on it and throw it. I would also try talking to him and telling him that it is ok. He may just be looking for attention which he obviously wasn't getting. The time-out will work eventually but it is a process in self. I hope this helps.

Hi there R.. I feel you. If drugs in his system has not been ruled out, make that one of your first moves. You may be able to get some support for yourself and grandson with The Post Permanency Family Center. at ###-###-####. It provides individual, family and group counseling as well as crisis intervention services in the Washington metro area. They should be able to guide you to something in your area. Also Catholic Charites ###-###-#### hold Parent Education Classes including the Grandparents, foster parents, Guardians etc. Also check with your local churches for support. Most resources I'm familiar with are located in DC, but hopefully this will be a start. Good luck to you and your grandson. Peace & Blessings, Dee

Please find a parental support person in your area. Many counties have their own "therapists" of sorts that can offer parental advice. if you are in VA.. look up Commonwealth Parenting.. and see what you can find in your area. this little boy has had some huge changes in his life that are obviously difficult to deal with and he is simply expressing his frustrations.. but you need to get the tools to show him the proper way to express his needs and his anger and all of his emotions about everything.. you can not do it alone. Please seek help that is out there and some of it free! Good luck to you and Thank you, on behalf of that little boy, for stepping up to the plate to help him!
J.

God Bless you Ricki for taking part in raising your grandchild. I totally feel for you, having a toddler that age is tough on anyone! Please be sure that at 22 months tantrums are just a part of life. I recommend finding a safe place for his to throw his tantrums where he can't break anything or hurt himself. Perhaps you can set up an area with a gate (Superyard XLT is great) where you can place him? Just be sure that you aren't alone and tantrums are completely normal. Reinforce good behavior and explain to him in words like, " I know your mad (upset, angry) but we can't hurt people or break things when we're upset, instead let's take out our frustrations by saying, 'I'm mad' or by jumping or by squeezing Teddy, etc."

I think you have a great idea about the support group. You should check out Meetup.com. You may find one that is already established or it is a great forum to start your own, it has tips and tricks to get the word out and recruit new members as well as wonderful calendar and planning tools, message boards for communication etc. I LOVE that site.

Take care!

Learning to deal with frustration is the big milestone for 2 year olds. For my daughter, I found her outbursts were worst when she was tired. Either it was nap time or bedtime.

For us, time out in either a bathroom or our walkin closet work best. She needs time on her own to cry and then reset. She can't be in my presence where she is still acting out for attention. A chair in my presence would not do the trick. She needs alone time.

While your grandson is going through quite a lot, tantrums are par for the course at this age. It gets a ton better as they head toward 3 years.

hi-

i think is normal. i have a 21 month old too that has been doing maybe not exact type of behaviours but having the kids tantrums and the only thing that works for my parents who are currently taking care of him while i work is distracting him, by either taking him outside, giving him a toy that he likes, giving him an ice-cream, showing the TV etc... cause at this age they tend to forget quickly. hope goes well for you. and don't feel bad that he is going to think you are a bad gradma he will not remember...

R.,

God bless you for taking over your grandsons care. He will benefit greatly in the long run. While I suspect each mom out there will have variations of different advice, I think your best bet is to get your grandson in with a good/new pediatrician. Then seek their advice. They can help give you guidance.

On the trantrum note, I was just at the pediatrician for other reasons with my 18 mo old son (I also have a daughter who just turned 4). I asked him how to handle my sons outbursts of horrendous screaming (and I mean purposefully screaming right at you) when he doesn't get what he wants or you tell him no to something. Their advice was to ignore it and make no eye contact. Just walk away until they stop. Anything other than that just gives them the attention they are seeking and reinforces the behavior. On the flip side you have to give them lots of love and attention and praise when they do things right and listen.

Good luck,
L. M.
mom of 2 in Reston, VA

Hi there,

I am sorry, I don't have experience, I just wanted to send you a lil mssg. I think it is great that you are raising your grandchild because the parents were foolish for using drugs. It is a huge task going from grandparents to parents! You would think by this time in life, you were done raising children.
I think you should try to start the group for grandparents raising children! That would be a wonderful support group for you!!
I think you will have a diffuclt time getting your grandson to bend to your ways for awhile. I am sur ehe is used to doing whatever he wants, and possibly being ignored and not shown much attention to. He is having a difficult time not understanding anything about why his parents are not around and why he is living with you. They have a hard time with change.
I wish you the very best! God Bless!!

After watching many episodes of Super nanny, I have learned that kids to these things to get a response out of us, and when we respond in the wrong way they know they have won the battle, so try to stay calm and in control no matter what. Give him a warning that his behavior is unaceptable and if he doesn't stop he will go in time out ( stair, corner, or naughty mat)after his time out (the number of years old he is) then he has to apologize, give hug and come out. If you are walking and he doesn't want to walk with you just keep walking holding his hand and don't give in, and stay calm. Also remember that most kids this age I think should be allowed to have meltdowns as long as they are safe and not hurting themselves or others belongings. I would get her (super nannys) books and also the book magic 1-2-3. They really have good advice and I think will help you a lot. Don't forget little ones are cranky when tired and hungry, do naps everyday. You are not a mean grandmother, just a granmother that cares a lot. Good luck and god bless you.

One more thing. Sometimes I think when kids are misbehaving they just need a great big hug and lots of kisses. Don't forget to praise him when he's good.

R.,

I am a grandmother, who up until recently, had my 7-year-old grandson living with me due to the abandonment of his father. My daughter and he lived with my husband and me since he was approx. one.
While the separation anxiety is very real, so is his need for security. That can only be accomplished when he feels safe with his new surroundings.
Having said that, creating a safe place for him includes boundaries. My philosophy on discipline is, always approach it from a standpoint of training and not frustration. I do not think a pop on the butt is all together wrong, but only after you have developed clear expectations of what is acceptable.
It will take some time to get to know this child and visa versa, unless you have been a constant figure to this point. Knowing the child allows you to know their personality. Different personalities require different approaches to discipline. Some are more strong-willed than others.
Certainly, aggressive behavior that is intended to injure can be in no way tolerated. (ie. throwing a plate to hit you) there are times when stern and quick discipline is needed to establish behavior that is absolutely wrong. Depending on the temperament, "Stern" can mean a disapproving look to an outright,spanking done without anger, but it should be in response to deliberate disobedience only. Other methods of repetitious structure for things that need to be learned are different.
The biggest approach to proper discipline is to BUILD A RELATIONSHIP that fosters the child to want to please you, because of love. I am no expert, but have had great success with my daughter and grandson, because they always knew that Mom (Nana) loved them so much she would do the hard things to take care of them and protect them.
Now that I no longer have them in my life on a daily basis, I miss them unbearably, and count my time with my grandson as a blessing to have had the time to input love that he desperately needed.
Now that she is remarried and in CA, I trust that that love transcends distance, and my daughter still values my input with my grandson.
As I said, I am not expert, just gifted with common sense and ability with children. I would be interested in being involved in a support group, as well. There is a larger number of we grandparents who are either raising our grandchildren, or variations of it, than people realize and growing in number all the time.
One last suggestion, if you don't know the Lord Jesus Christ, ask him to come into your heart so that you can have the help of his spirit to teach you all along the way. I would be happy to show you how. If you do know him, cry out for wisdom, and I am confident that he is where your help will come from in the critical moments.
I would love to keep in contact with you and if I can help in any other way, please ask.

In your corner...

G. F.

hi R.,
what a lucky little guy to have you there for him at this difficult confusing time of his life! you are exactly right that he needs structure and boundaries, and figuring out how to provide those for him with lots of love is an ongoing challenge. don't beat yourself up if you don't get it perfect all the time. he's a bit young for a time-out chair, but it may be something to revisit soon. for right now, staying calm and preventing him from hurting himself or damaging anything else is the best thing you can do. he does need to express his fury and sorrow and helplessness, and he'll gradually learn how to do that more appropriately when his tantrums are met with quiet understanding. move anything he can throw out of his way, don't expect reason or logic to get through to him, and be there to listen when he's on the other side and ready to express himself more coherently. that doesn't mean always saying yes or letting him have his way, just making sure that he knows he's been heard and understood.
good luck!
khairete
S.

First, I'd like to mention that I have heard of a group called GAP (Grandparents As Parents). It was when I was working for the Howard County Public Schools and I don't know if it was just local, but you may want to investigate it (here's their website: http://www.grandparentsasparents.org/). If it's not local or available to you, go with your idea of starting your own! :-)

Also, my friend's mom and stepdad had to care for her 2-year-old nephew because my friend's brother (and his girlfriend) abused drugs (can you follow all that????). I believe they experienced very similar behaviors, so you're not alone.

A few thoughts from me:
- Don't be ashamed of spanking or other discipline, when done correctly. He will need clear and specific boundaries to feel safe. And he will certainly test those boundaries.
- Do give him lots of extra love and time with you, as much as possible. He'll need that too.
- There will be a period of adjustment. It will take time, so expect it.
- Go out there and find as many resources as possible, specific to your situation. If you worked with Social Services to get custody, start by asking them. They may be able to point you to groups or other resources. Do an internet search (I love google!). You never know what you'll find. But get as much support as you can, even from other family members or friends who might help. You'll need it and your grandson will be better off for it.

You have taken on an enormous task. How blessed your grandson is to have you. I hope you've been able to find some help through us moms!

B.

R.,

I, too, have a toddler grandson that I am raising since birth due to his parents drug use. Since your grandson only came to you recently, I can only surmise what he has been exposed to in his short little life. He probably has had no structure and has been neglected to some degree. I commend you for taking on this challenge and pray that things will get better as he becomes more accustomed to a secure, safe, loving environment.

That said, I agree with most of the previous posters. Structure and boundaries are something that toddlers require. They thrive on routine. It may be a battle if he has always been allowed to stay up late, no naps, etc. Hang firm and it will slowly improve. Also, remember, tantrums are the norm for toddlers. It is an outlet for their frustration when they can't communicate their desires or can't have whatever their little hearts want at that instant.

The one thing I question about the advice is the spanking issue. If he was placed with you by Social Services, they have a strict "no corporal punishment" rule. This can be difficult sometimes, especially when the child is being his most exasperating. I am 62 years old, and grew up in the years of spare the rod and spoil the child. Time out is slowly working for me. I have found that the use of a timer helps to depersonalize the timeout. (i.e. the timer says you can get up now). On a funny note, my grandson now thinks that every time I set the oven timer he is in time out. Last night when dinner was ready, he asked if supper was in time out. LOL

I don't know if you are still working or stay-at-home, but I joined my local Mom's Club. It has been a lifesaver for me. We have weekly playgroups, field trips, craft activities, plus I have the opportunity to network with other "moms". Sometimes it seems strange being so old, but we are all dealing with child rearing and it seems to be more and more cross generational.

God Bless you!

C. :-)