Grandmas Who Have Been Pushed Out of Grandchildren's Lives?

WOW! I am not a grandmother, but I sure do feel the pain in what you write.

Please do not take offense to any of the following, but let me share my thoughts with you about my kids 2 grandmothers. My mother -in-law shares her opinions very openly and boldly about everything. She speaks very freely about what my children wear, how they eat, and when they were small, she had very vocal opinions on books they should read and what they should play with. Once we went to restaurant for breakfast and it was very crowded there that day. There were 9 of us (2 in highchairs) packed into a little 8 top table while we tried to eat. One of my nieces started to cry.
My MIL insisted that her mother remove her from the restaurant immediately due to the disturbance. (It wasn't a screaming fit...she was crying a little). It was raining and 40 degrees out.
Later, my son dropped a grape from his plate. It rolled under the table where all the legs, feet and diaper bags were. My husband looked down and tried to find it. hopeless. My MIL told my husband that my son should get down there and pick it up. "You cannot raise a child that won't pick up after himself."
I cannot tell you how unpleasant our visit was. We are not bad parents, but we don't do things her way or on her timing. We now only visit them for 2 -3 days max once a year. And we are hundreds of miles apart.

My mother (and I am not trying to be biased...just giving events) will ask me or my husband, "what time should the kids go to bed?" "What should they eat and what do you not want them to have?"
"If they go out to play, what jacket do you want on them?"
My mom knows how to do this stuff---she raised 6 of us!!! But she asks instead of making demands or commands. My parents are also hundreds of miles away and we always look forward to our visit to them or vice-versa.
Maybe your new son-in-law feels you are still in "raising a child" mode. I know you are very hurt, but re-read your last sentence. That might be the thing they see most about you. It's just a thought.

Your help was very valuable to your grandson when it was needed and you sacrificed a lot to do that.

Be thankful for your time together and let the memories be happy.
Try to repair things with your daughter and her husband so that you can be present in your grandchildren's life.

Sit down calmly and talk to your daughter at the next opportunity. "Strike when the iron is cool" is one of my new favorite sayings.

You mentioned emotional turmoil for 29 days. Were you visiting that long?
If so...way too long a visit. People really start losing patience with guests after 6 - 7 days. A 7 day happy visit is so much better than a miserable long visit.

You can't do anything about the controlling husband, but you can change your approach. And be there to help in the future and love your daughter and be there if there really might be alcohol problems in the marriage.
God Bless.

It is amazing that those of us with terrible moms or (in my case) mother-in-laws, long for a positive relationship,a nd those who have moms (like you) who are loving and family-oriented just don't appreciate it! My kids have a grandmother(title only) who would not play with them, spend time with them, find joy in shopping with or for them, find joy in seeing them at a school play or even attend a birthday party! It is going to be hard for you, but you may just have to let your daughter be and let her realize her mistake. Or visit and keep quiet, just to be able to visit and see them. Are you friendly or acquainted with her friends? Maybe you can contact and talk with them? She might listen to peers. It is possible that they don't see the hubby's behavior. Maybe they have children that your grandson can play with and you can "visit" him there. Let us know how things go and bless you!

OK, grandma, I want you to remember that you need to be invited into their lives. It is their family, not yours. That being said, go out there when the new baby is born, stay in a hotel and help out in whatever way you can. Try taking both the step sister and your grandson out of the house for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Or find a hotel with a pool and just let the kids swim.
Your daughter has evidently decided this is what she wants to do and even if you think he's controlling and aggressive, it's up to her to decide what he life is going to be like.
One point too, you have to remember that the step sister is part of your daughers family now, and this is how you build a blended family. By accepting everyone as family - this may also give your son in law a new way to appreciate you.

j

I love my Mom, but I can't stand visiting with her for more than 3 or 4 days. Last time she visited my house she literally stuck her head in my toilet to see how clean it was under the rim. Last time I visited her, my son and I stayed in a hotel and we enjoyed unwinding in the pool every evening and the buffet breakfast was easy with no strain on my Mom for providing meals. We both recognize we need our space. Keep the communication open between you, your grandson and your daughter and maybe he can visit more when he's older. There's not much else you can do short of moving closer to where they are.

I am not a grandmother either, but feel quite sad that your daughter has decided to do this to you. My son and I live with my mother and I keep wishing she would be a grandmother and stop ignoring him. She only considers him loud and in the way. He upsets her "way" of life. She has never taken him anywhere, even the grocery store! What great grandparents to want to spend a week with your grandson. I'm sorry for your situation. I would keep in touch even if it's at a distance, eventually the kids will be old enough to think on their own. If you think your granchild is in danger because your SIL is unstable you need to call CPS, it's confidential, but he may figure it out. I wish you the best and hope that your daughter comes to her senses, before something happens to your grandbabies.
S.

I am not a grandmother, either, but my mom has been pushed out of her grandkids lives (my oldest brother has a minulipulating wife who does not like my parents nor the way my parents raised my brother). She has caused so much hurt and pain to my parents (and the rest of us) that it is just insane the hurt my parents feel.

The only thing my parents always did was continue to maintain the relationship with their son. It hurt not to be apart of their grandkids lives, but to them the most important (so they have told me) was to keep a strong relationship with their son and to always let him feel they are there for him regardless of how they feel about his wife. It has been almost 6 years, and they do see the kids now and again, but it is nothing like what they once had.

There is no real advice here, just a sympathy story. I do feel the pain you have written as I am very close with my mom and hated to see her hurt.

I feel for you! My mother (and father) are very involved in our kids lives, taking them for weeks or weekends at a time and it is wonderful. Both my mom and I are very take charge, and that can cause problems, I actually take the back seat when she is around unless it is something that I feel really strongly about - so I am the one biting my tongue! She INSISTS that they wear t-shirts under their clothes all winter. (It doesnt get that cold here all winter) but its not a big deal - she bought them t-shirts - and they know to make sure they have them on when they go to her house or she comes to visit. Its funny to hear my 5 yo say I'd better go get a t-shirt on before she gets here! She'll take one or all three about once a month - which really can give us a break. I'm very sorry your daughter seems to make such bad choices in men, and especially with her child stuck in the middle of it. Its very sad. Unfortunately I doubt there is anything you can really do about it until she asks for help. And I do think 29 days is way too long a visit if you were in the same house, I think 1 week is about right if you all like each other and get along; if not - 2-3 days can even be agony, let alone 29! (I know I would have moved out if my FIL came to visit anywhere near that long! He's fine, he just rubs me the wrong way most of the time.) If she won't let the child visit you after she gives birth, maybe you could stay in a hotel nearby with him (assuming you can afford such a trip), giving them time with the new baby and you time with him, and you could visit the new baby a few hours a day. If even that won't work, do send cards - my kids love getting mail, for birthdays and all the holidays - they especially like finding a dollar or two in them, or a sweet treat. I really don't like the candy and if I can tell its in there I always open it first and police it - so you may want to ask about what sort of treat would be OK, so he gets the joy of opening it, rather than getting an already opened card.

It'll be hard, but try not to vocalize your judgments, and just make sure she knows you're willing to come visit or have him come visit whenever its convenient. And I would try to avoid too much interaction with the SIL, he'll be able to take any interaction and twist it to make you seem overbearing. And don't say anything about him to your daughter, eventually she'll figure out you're saying nothing because you don't have anything nice to say. Or - maybe things will straighten out for them and then you'll be glad you didnt bad mouth him and have her resenting you for that.

If he's at least 6 yo, he won't forget you! Hang in there, and good luck.

G.,

Run off to California

Behave and keep mouth shut

Emotional turmoil 29 days

Here goes, hang on, I’m going to be honest—Sounds like you daughter doesn’t have much of a backbone and I sense, she begin losing it before she left your home. You appear to be a very strong willed woman who is use to running the household and taking care of everything and everyone.

I don’t see why your daughter and her new husband would object to you and grandpa taking your grandson for a week when the next baby is born. That would give them some alone time to bond with the baby and your grandson some special time with his grandparents.

As for the 29 day stay, I love my mother very much, but I would not want her to stay with me for 29 days unless we decided to become roommates or one of us was sick and needed to be cared for.

I suspect both you and the new husband have a tendency to be “vocal” and since you were in his home he preferred that you “zip it” a bit more then you did.

You spent a six years practically raising your grandson, so if you think your heart is “bleeding” just imagine how that child’s heart is bleeding having a new family and being away from the grandparents who were his primary caregivers. If you want to see him, you as the adult will have to take the high road and do what's best for your grandson...even if that means keeping your mouth shut.

I would also suggest staying in a hotel when you visit. Your son-in-law and you obviously have a personality conflict, so unless you both want to resolve it for the sake of the entire family, the less time spent together the better.

Having said all this, if you feel your grandson is being abused in anyway, there are alternatives, but you must be sure and be careful because if he isn’t, you take the chance of losing contact until he is 18. In California, there is what is known as Grandparents rights.

The best thing would be if you could establish regular visits to your home for your grandson. You and grandpa could offer to pay the airfare or half the travel expenses if that is a problem.

Blessings…..

hold on there one problem at a time, i have only had so much coffee. first off if you suspect that your grandchild is being abused you need to find out of what is truly going on first because without documented proof, that this guy is an abuser, the courts will do nothing.find out everything that you can about this guy...age, weight, shoe size, previous criminal record, any aliases that he may have. hire a private investigator and find any ex girlfriends, ex wives , children that this guy may very well have hidden somewhere . you also need to document any drugs or alcohol that he buys and consumes. bad people always have secrets, the trick is finding them and bringing them to the courts attention promptly, with documentation, of course.dont take this sitting down and silent, because i gurantee that he is hiding something big, otherwise, he would wouldnt be so paranoid about having you and your husband around, now would he?
K. h.