I am so tired of depending on my mother to watch my 5 year old daughter on Saturdays when I work! My mother has been living alone since my daughter was a little over 1 year old, which is the same time I went back to work. (My dad is in the Army and has been either overseas or somewhere else ever since Feb. 2004) Anyways, it seems my mom uses my daughter as her outlet to life, with no regard to the real world. It's bad enough that she spoils the heck out of her, but the worse part is her lack of judgment. Too many times my daughter has been getting sick, and my mother still takes her places like the water park!! She doesn't seem willing to spend a quiet afternoon at home. It's so frustrating to not be able to trust your own mother's judgment. This happened this past weekend, and now my daughter has a fever of 101.7 degrees. On top of that she is very controlling of spending the weekend with my daughter. If I make plans for her to be with my husband's mother, or with her cousins, my mother gets very offended. I feel like I shouldn't work Saturdays anymore and just take matters into my own hands.
I completely agree with Jeanne M.
I understand there are things you do not approve of. You just need to have a heart to heart with her and tell her how you feel. To add... I lost my mom suddenly when my first child was 4 days old (she is now 21 months and I have a 6 month old). Be thankful and grateful that she does want to help and that you have a mother!
N.
I am reading something in between the lines here. I think your mom needs some love and attention with a side helping of sympathy. Her life partner has essentially been MIA as of 2004? That is hard; I know-my husband travels and it can be quite lonely and difficult.
If I were you I would be appreciative of her help.
If you don't like her decisions-hire someone.
Take some time and have dinner with her occasionally without "needing" something.
Encourage her in finding group activities, church/school volunteer and friends to spend time with.
Be her friend.
JMHO (just my humble opinion)
Hi M.
I'm a grandmother, too, but I belive that my daughter's rules have to be respected. I think that your mom is just doing what a lot of grandmas do, giving their grandchildren what they didn't give to their own children. And I'm not saying this is not correct, but, they are children anyway and the education must keep the same. I think that maybe if you talk with your mom about this situation and the way you want your daughter to be educated, could help. If you already tried this and didn't get any results, then you must make another arrangements with your job. Your daughter's age is very important now, and she needs her mom, more than her grandma. So you will have to sit and talk about this with your husband. Maybe some adjustments in the economical part could be made in order to be with your daughter on Saturdays instead of going to work. Maybe you can get some Homework and still get money without going out. About your mother in law and your mom's attitude getting offended, she must understand that you are the mom, you make the decisions about where your daughter will be. I understand this is hard for you because we are talking about your mom, but, your daughter is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, no one elses. Good luck!
My mother lives 1500 miles away and I don't have any inlaws nearby either. (Our babysitter costs $10/hour and daycare is $200/week) I think you are very lucky to have a mother closeby to offer free babysitting services. If your daughter is sick and your mother doesn't want to be home with her, perhaps you should stay home with her.
It sounds like you and your Mom need to have a little heart to heart about expectations. If the current situation isn't working, then she shouldn't dictate if you make other childcare arrangement with someone else. As another post pointed out, you're the Mom... you get to make the decisions. (Believe me, I've struggled with this to an extent with my Mom who wanted to dictate things to me.)
Good luck and try to stay positive about the fact that you have such a support system nearby to help you out. I wish I did.
T.
You are lucky everyone loves your daughter and you have both her grandmas nearby. The problem is that you have to give up some control on Saturdays. I once heard from a counselor these words for me in a similar situation with my husband, "let the kid have his father". I think you have to say to yourself the same thing accepting the wondrous advantage your daughter has in having so many loving relatives shaping her life. If you are really worried about your daughter's safety or health, you must stay home or hire someone to stay home with her. Your mother needs to share her love and develop a relationship of her own with your daughter. You are equal to your mother, both of you are a wife and mother. Share your concerns with your mother about a lot of things not just the Saturday problems and not just the little child problems. If you speak as equal you can help each other more. Remember your relationship with your mother will play the biggest role in how your daughter relates to you. Tell you mother how conflicted you are about the mother-in-law sharing your child. Your mother wants to be the best for your daughter and she will accommodate, but she needs a role to play. Maybe she can deliver and pick-up your child from her other grandparent some days. Maybe she can prepare one Saturday for what they will do the next. Remember that you all love each other and want to show that by your caring for your daughter. I used to make a list of all the people who loved my son so he would not fear my leaving him or think he only mattered to me. Your daughter is in a special place in this tug of war. It's a game, have fun with it all. Include your mother in your life with out your daughter...let her show love to you too. You are not alone, this is a common problem. Breathe and repeat, it's all good!
1st question - Does your husband work on Saturdays too? If not, can't he spend time with your daughter? If so, read on...
Your child, your rules. Sounds easy, but I know it is not. My mother-in-law tried to make my daughter sit at the table until she had eaten the one meal she made while she was here for 10 days. My rule is try one bite. I just had to tell her that is the rule. She was very unhappy with me for a while, but that is her problem.
Mother/daughter relationships are wonderful and exhausting at the same time. Take dinner over to your mom's house one evening, just for the two of you. Talk to her. Let her know that she is very important to you and that you know she is lonely. Explain that your daughter needs to learn to entertain herself and does not need contant outside stimulation, especially if she is sick or getting sick. Encourage her to find an outlet just for herself. Something she enjoys. Perhaps if she joins a group or takes a class, she will quit making your child the center of her universe.
Not an easy situation. Stay strong and remember that you are the mom this time around. You have to do what is best for your child, just like your mother did for you.
Good Luck!
Hi M., Just a few words of helpful advice...Who is the mother? Your Mom is being selfish. Your daughter will always love your Mom, but she also should visit with her other relatives. Your Mom needs to get more involved in life and not allow her life to revolve around a 5 yr. old.
There are many organizations which could use your Moms
help. You can not allow her to substitute your daughter for her lack of involvement in life. Your daughter is your daughter. It may make Mom mad at you or even hurt,but it is up to you to make the break and change your daughters life back to where you have the say so.Best wishes and God Bless CP
We have a friend who watches our son (2 1/2 yrs old) all the time, and he is very lenient and spoiling. However, I notice that my son does respond differently to discipline based on who's giving it (I make the most effort at it, and he listens to me more than to my wife or our friend). So I wouldn't worry too much about Grandma spoiling your daughter as long as your daughter still listens to you and your husband. (Also, consider yourself lucky to have family around -- my mother lives 1200 miles away, and my mother-in-law lives 12,000 miles away!)
On the other hand, if your mother doing things that risk your daughter's health is an ongoing problem, then you definitely should sit down with her and lay down the law. If it happened once or twice, then hopefully you can just mention it and it won't happen again. But if you're worrying about your kid every Saturday, then you need to make clear to your mother that she needs to be more considerate of your daughter's health. Better that she should feel offended then that your child be sick all the time.
On the plus side, the fact that your mother gets very upset at the prospect of not having Saturdays with your daughter, that could be enough motivation for her to be more careful when it comes to watching out for your child's health.
Good luck!
Amy - First, I think your missing the big picture. Your mom is watching your child, so you can work. If you don't like the way your mom cares for your daughter there is the obvious solution - get a sitter and pay somebody to do it the way you want. However, keep in mind that that option does not solve your "long term" issues. No matter what you choose, you obviously need to speak to your mom about your concerns. You need to take your mom's feelings into consideration as well. She probably is very lonely with your dad gone and your daughter coming on Saturday is what she looks foward to all week. She does need to understand that your daughter has other people in her life, and things can come up that alter their "Saturday" plans. If your mom is offended by that, so be it.
Gramma's are for spoiling, but only in good ways. Maybe taking your daughter to her two consecutive saturdays and to your mother-in-law's and cousins the other two will work out better. Explain to her that it is not punishment for her lack of judgment, but because they too are family. And since Grandma has no rules, you have to set them. Tell her.
I think you are being unreasonable.
I am a Grandma, watching my two little grandchildren (19 months, and 5.5 years) and find it somewhat interesting as well. The getting sick bothers me, what does her pediatrician say about that? (water parks, ear infections, or worse in the water, my kids got sick after Thompson park sometimes) Also, don't like to offend, but the safety of the little girl is important, maybe have her go with her Dad sometimes to his Mom, I am the Dad's Mom, so sometimes communications are less complicated, with my Daughter in law.
