Grandma Favoritism

Hi, M.:
If you can any concerns at all, address them to her privately.
Act like a reporter trying to find out information to see where she
is coming from. After she shares her point of view, if it is something that
is agreeable with you then you understand her point of view.
If she is saying things that are really expressing favoritism, then share how you feel about witnessing her behavior and responses.
Good luck.
Hope all works out like you want it.
D.

My MIL favors my daughter over all of the other grandchildren (and my two sons) too. She has always favored girls over boys. She will often come to our house with a pretty little outfit for my daughter. And she brings nothing for my two boys.

My older son is now old enough to realize that Grandma didn't get him anything. My husband has told her to just stop bringing gifts for our daughter, but she still does it anyway. She'll bring something for my daughter and give my sons a few coins for their piggy banks.

At this point, we have just given up on her and we tell the kids that her favoritism is not something that we approve of. In the end, when my MIL is no longer able to care for herself, she'll be wondering why my sons don't want to come over to visit or help her any heavy lifting. She's making her own bed, and she will eventually sleep in it.

My suggestion to you is to talk to your daughters and address it with them. Your younger daughters might already resent your oldest daughter because of your mother's favoritism. It's not your oldest daughter's fault. You should acknowledge your mother's behavior and explain to your daughters that their grandmother is using poor judgment. They can decide for themselves how what kind of relationship they want to have with a woman who makes them feel inferior to their own sibling.

UHG! I hated reading this...sounds kinda like our situation. I am my moms "favorite" which she has blatantly made clear all mine and my brother's lives. My brother was the "accident" and I hate that i even know that and I also despise favoritism itself. However, I had my first son and 3 months later my brother's girlfriend had their daughter. The first 3 months of my son's life with gramma were great until Bella (the granddaughter) was born. "Oh she is just a wonderful baby and this and that and that and this." was all I heard after she was born. She was a bottle fed baby and not fussy at all. she was such an easy going baby would let anyone hold her, never cried so on and so forth. went to sleep By her self. My son, pfffttt. Breastfed, cranky, gripe water....could never put him down...ever, 30 second showers type of baby, no one allowed to hold him but M.. you get the picture...so after bella was born we never saw gramma. she makes it obvious that now that my oldest is talking and communicating and is very out of the ordinary and has cute little quirks(diagnosed with autism at 26 months but we still are not convinced he has it), he is now her favorite. She says he is so,"innocent". aren't all children? really. That bugs me too because I have another son that is very "normal" and he is not good enough it seems. She also goes out of her way to babysit bella for them but will not babysit my kids because they are too much work and cry. But bella is an easy kid. Just seems unfair to me. Just sayin' thank you for letting me vent this here...I am just afraid my youngest will start to notice soon especially when she Blatantly picks my oldest up and says, "I love you so much Caelin" when my youngest is standing right there and then looks at me and says, "I am allowed to have favorites, I am the grandma. Mommies are not allowed to have favorites but grandma's are." I just told her she was awful (seemingly jokingly).
I hope your mom gets over this favorite thing or at least stops making it so obvious. I am close to having a talk with my mom about it.

I guess what I can say is, that I have noticed there is a special place in
every Grandma's heart for the first grandchild. Just the way it is. It is up
to the Grandma to keep her feelings to herself and not let it show!

Now I had 2 boys and 2 girls. My mother favored the girls. Talk about blatant. She would bring clothes for the girls and then say oh I do not
know what size the boys wear. I would take the clothes from her and not
let her give them to the girls. My MIL did the same thing. Talk about a
double whammy. Unfortunately for the two mothers, the kids realized this
and the relationship was not a close one. My mother even played the
grandkids against one another. How's bout them apples.

So now I am a grandmother and am very careful about how I treat me
grandbabies! I love them all equally. Each one is special in their own way.
My husband has to be reminded because he chuckles at the baby who is
18 months (I mean the kid cracks us up). The 3 1/2 year old will then do
something to get his attention. He is learning. They are just not like us.
So I feel your pain and I never ready rectified the problem.

Lay it on the line - she either cuts out the BS or she get's cut out of family gatherings. You said she has twisted views about things and needs therapy, and that your daughter is learning to be a mini-grandma in training. If you don't want this to happen, you need to draw some lines/set some boundaries and stick with them. Be honest with yourself - she may not be dangerous, but she's NOT safe. Minimize contact and cut it off if she doesn't cut it out.

I would have to say something to make her look like an a$$ each and everytime she did this. Not acceptable.

My mom tried to pull something similar. She made several comments about my daughter being her "asian" grandchild. "I can't believe I have an asian grandchild." This irked me to no end. First of all my husband is 50% filipino, 50% white. So that makes my kids 25% filipino & 75% white which in my book makes them 100% heinz 57 like everyone else in my family. And she only said this about my daughter that has brown hair & brown eyes like her dad and not about my son who happens to be fair skin, green eyes. They have the exact same genetic makeup lady!!!

Now don't get me wrong. I have no problem with my kids being 25% filipino. There is no culture to pass on however since my husband was raised by his white mother and a mexican step father. I just have a problem with my mother trying to put a label on my baby and make her feel different for no positive reason. I just got the feeling that my mom had an issue about my husband and instead of talking it through with me she was doing this weird thing with our child.

My solution was to call her out on it very publicly every time I caught her doing it. She hasn't done it in a while but probably because I get more aggressive about it each time it comes up. Don't jack with my kids! Sorry for tacking a vent on to my response. It felt good to get that out. :)

Hmm.
Interesting.
My daughter was my mother's first grandchild. However, my sister's son who came along when my daughter was 5 is definitely her favorite. My son came along many years later and it's a miracle he and I even survived.
The kids are now 25, 20, and 16.
My nephew, the 20 year old, can do no wrong no matter how much trouble he's been in, no matter how many cars he's wrecked, no matter how irresponsible he is. He is the apple of my mother's eye.
My kids got good grades, never got in trouble at school, got citizenship awards, they are very responsible and very loving people.
Pffffft.
My mom is kind and gracious to my children. Never forgets a birthday or holiday, attends parties, etc.
However, anything my nephew wants, she gets it for him. She even paid for his driving lessons and his driver's license. Now, my sister is married, has a good husband and two incomes plus a beautiful home.
I've raised my kids as a single, working mother and she's never helped with any of that kind of stuff.
My mother isn't as verbally blatant as your mother, but my kids know how she feels about things. They don't understand it, but they've learned to not take it personally.
My daughter had a baby last May and my mom just adores her great grandson. She's really been there for my daughter. They live 10 minutes away from each other and see each other all the time. My mom would do anything for that baby.
I have to say that my grandparents favored me and I know it pissed my mom off and that might have something to do with why she favors my sister's kid.
I loved my grandparents so much and I showed it all the time. I sent them letters, I spent summers with them and always offered to help out. I was an easy, mellow, and affectionate child. My little sister was trouble with a capital T on two feet.

I have to say also, in rememberance of my Grandmother who has long passed, now that you bring this us, she and I just adored each other. We had a thing. We did. When she passed away, she had 15 grandchildren and 27 great grandchildren and she loved every single one of them and felt so blessed to have them all.
But, as an adult, and we talked about this, had we not even been related, we would have been the best of friends. We could have been two people who met each other in the grocery store and just fell in love with each other.
My aunts and uncles and my cousins all know that. It was NEVER to the exclusion or detriment of anyone else. Of course she loved her own children more than she loved me...but we just had a thing. We had a bond.
I was born and raised in California and she lived her entire life in Tennessee. I'm so thankful, even with that distance, that we were able to see each other as much as we did and even when we were apart, the miles meant nothing. My cousins lived so close they got to see her evey day. I was jealous they had her so close.
But, it was okay. Our hearts were connected.

I can't explain it. I had the same "thing" with my Grandfather. My mom's dad.

Sorry...enough about me.
I think that it is highly possible for grandparents to have special bonds with one grandchild. I also think it's highly possible for it not to be a blatant thing. For instance, when my Grandmother passed away at 94, the whole family was worried about me and if I was going to be okay. I come from a LARGE family.
I think you should talk to your mom about your concerns and just tell her you're worried that some of the things she says in the open might hurt the other kids feelings. It's especially hard because they ARE siblings and siblings can tend to compare themselves about things as it is. "She jump ropes better than me. She gets all A's on her report card, she always cleans her room, he's the funny one, she's the one that likes helping doing the dishes, he folds the socks better."
Kids do enough of that to themselves so it's important to try to curb obvious favoritism.
Bonds are bonds and that can't be helped and as a mother, you want all things to be equal. But, your kids aren't the same individuals and that's okay.
Your mom just needs to be careful with her words and actions while continuing to have her closeness with your daughter.
Your mom needs to make a conscious effort to show her adoration for each of her grandkids.
As kids are individuals, it's okay to deal with them "differently". Their personalities are likely different.
But, they all need to feel the same love.

I hope that makes sense and I wish you the best.

My dtr is 12, my son is 9. I'm an only child so these are my moms only grandkids. It has been clear from when I was PREGGO with my son, that everyone said, "it better be a girl, because we don't like boys". NICE...and for generations, all we had was girls...and here comes my sweet little boy...so my mom has her 'favorite', my daughter. She buys her things but not my son, she lets her do more but won't let him do the same, etc. And they are very close too...so I "get" it. But I don't LIKE it. Up until a year or so ago, I let it go, just tried to make it up to my son on my own, which probably make it look like HE's MY favorite...lol. Anyway, it ended up that my mom bought my daughter a DS when I specifically told her NOT to. My sons bday is 19 days later, I said, you better be buying him one too. She said he didn't "deserve" one like she did...uh no you didn't!!!! So we had it out right then and there and she has really shaped up since. We all know she still is her "favorite" but she isn't so obvious about it anymore. Just call her out on it, in a nice way, don't wait til you're pissed and yell like me, although that worked too, but just tell her its not ok and she needs to make changes. Good luck.

Have you spoken to her about it? Seriously sat her down and told her what all of you have noticed and why it is wrong. If she cannot stop, tell her she can have her favorite but she must not show it or make comments like that - ever. She has to hold her tongue bc it is not fair and is hurtful to the others. My mom has a favorite of my 2 kids and at first was very blatant about it. I wrote her a long email telling her she cannot act this way. She got very angry with me and did not speak to me for a while (this was a first). But then she came around and since then she has be SO great about not showing favoritism in front of the kids.

i would just make sure my oldest knew that what grandma says is just an opinion (on how she likes oldest best) and that she shouldnt take it to heart. i would remind them all that you love them all the same often though maybe not in conjunction with visits to grandmas just so they dont think you are saying it to be nice. have personal talks with oldest about how favortism while sometimes cant be helped is a natural feeling but singling one out and making them feel better or even worse than the others isn't very nice or healthy for a persons mind. give some examples of how. if everyone got a treat but her she wouldnt like it...if blonde hair was the prettiest and you had auburn and i said that to you that wouldnt be nice and you wouldnt feel good. i would just want to tell my daughters that whats going on probably isnt proper but that we know whats right and wrong and we can get through this without letting anything get to us. i sometimes have to tell my oldest things or make sure she knows things that my mother in law may have skewed on our last visit. she understands because we've taught her one way and she believes us. she knows that what m-i-l is saying doesnt make sense. good luck.

Interesting. I did not see grandmother's comments as showing favoritism at all. Yes, they could be seen that way but why choose the negative idea when the positive will also work. I suggest that she is treating the girls differently and that's OK. A certain amount of favoritism is normal. I suggest that a grandmother isn't with all of the children all of the time and will favor the one with whom she's with at the moment.

And.....you are the main influence on your daughter's, how they feel and accept their grandmother and her ways. When you focus on the favoritism issue you're giving them a negative message. It's so much better to focus on the positive.

You say she clicks the most with the oldest. The oldest is frequently the favorite anyway because she is the first. It's OK to click with one more than the others as long as she also pays attention, even tho it's different attention, to the others.

I suggest that if you were able to be totally honest you too would find that you click in different ways with each daughter. Sounds like your mother is doing just fine. Not perfect. Who is? She is loving and paying attention to all of the girls.

And, once more the comments at the table did not show favoritism in my book.

I felt the same way. But I let it go, because she was myX husband mother and grandmother. Who were doing this and worse. Theyd act like my daugthers didnt exist or they werent myX bio-daugthers. So till this day they only act like he has one daugther which is my 2 daugthers Old step-sister whos 6yrs old. It really upsets me till this day, but I guess you can keep tryng to set your mom straigth. But I couldnt do it, and I tried for over 4yrs. Your mom sounds as weird as my X's mother and grandmother lol! But you should put your foot down. Even if it doesnt work, I do wen it get to me.

;-) Wish you the best!!

It's not just in your family.

Up until my son was born, my sister in law's children were the apple of my mother in law's eyes. Even now, my daughter is constantly told "no don't do that, no don't do that" even though my nephew (who is about 6 months older than her) does the same thing. When my son was little (read under 18 months) my mil wanted to do everything with him. Now, he is pushed aside again for my nephew. Makes no sense to me. Maybe she is just taking it out on my kids that she really doesn't care for me. Whatever!

Here's another side for you: my mother seems to be more interested in her niece's son than she is my children. My mother hadn't seen this niece in YEARS, but when they were all in Florida when my mother's sister passed, her niece brought the baby. Now all I hear about is how adorable the baby is. And that was 3 years ago.