Help with in Laws

Wow, A., I feel for you. A lot of this behavior is typical though when the first grandchild is no long the only grandchild. When my nephew had a birthday (this was when he was the first) both sides of the family were invited from cousins to grandparents. It was a literal zoo and don't get me started on the massive amounts of presents for a baby that could care less.now that there are around 20 grandkids, many of them don't ever get a visit on their birthdays unless it is convenient. However, it also sounds as if there is something else going on with your inlaws. How they act around and nurture children seems to be a theme. Its easy for a grandparent to just give in as they know the child is leaving soon and the fact that they refuse to have your son over may be a defense mechanism of theirs to ultimately win the argument by not having it in the first place. They want to be good grandparents but the don't know how to say no now that your son knows how push their buttons. Personally I would speak to your husband first to make sure you are both on the same page and then son together with your husband to let him know this behavior is unaccceptable. Then I would write a formal written letter to the grandparents making sure that it is non threatening, but expresses your concern about them not having your son over and you are worried about his behavior...not theirs (you can't change their behavior and trying to will only shut them out). I would say nothing about favoritism though, they may like your niece better for the moment for the reason that they havent ruined her behavior yet. Anyway, just a recommendation, you are the mother of your family and you will know best in the end (oh, and if you are religious do not forget to pray about it).

I have almost the same situation. The advise I got was to wait until the child asks you, "Mommy why does grandma like so and so better than me?" if you have tryed to fix this in the past and it is not getting through say to the child, "I don't know, lets ask her." then do it.

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hi, I didn't read your responses. But just wanted to note: my brother is 4 years younger then I am. When he was born I was dropped like a hot potato :) my Grandma (Moms Mom) came to live with us, just to help take care of him (my Mom went back to work). She has ALWAYS favored my brother. I didn't notice it much as a little kid. When i got to be around maybe 8 is when i started to notice it.. i would ALWAYS wonder why my Grandma loved my brother more. She always bent over backwards for him,and just adored him. Still to this day she is that way with just him. She has her "favorite grandkids" there are about 3 all boys and of course gorgeous :) they are the best looking out of us all! haha. Now as a adult i know that its just the way she is. When i was younger it bothered me, but now my brother wants nothing to do with my Grandma. He could care less about her (he is the definition of a spoiled rotten brat!) and it kills my Grandma. I'm still here, always will be. Its funny the way things work out. Its not right- but things are the way they are. I don't have any advice just to say it happends, and they will survive! I did :)

Hard situation. I also suspect it is pretty normal. The extended family may just feel closer to your SIL and therefore her children. Somre of it may be because they are not close in proximity any longer. Can hubby have a chat w/ his mom and tell him that if she is going to favor one or two grandchildren over the others than she needs to do it when the less favored are not arround. And by the way, if that is what she is doing I would consider it a blessing that she doesn't let your kids spend the night (sounds like they and you are better off).

A.,
My grandparents had obvious favorites, but I think it bothered my mother more than it did us. I knew it gorwing up - especially at christmas and eventhough it bothered me, it was worse hearing my mother complain about it. In any case, I am glad my grandparents were a part of my life growing up even if it was not ideal. I guess I don't have much advice other than to say don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. That is, don't throw the relationship away because parts of it are bad.
Good luck,
C.

I sort of have a similar problem with my MIL with the favoritism. My daughter was the first grandchild on both sides. My MIL favors her immensly. My SIL also has a little girl (a few months younger than my son, who is my second) and my MIL babysits her several times per week (they live about 45 min from each other) so that SIL and her hubby don't pay for daycare. So, she obviously thinks my niece hangs the moon. My son is the one that gets ignored. He is only 2 and is a bit more of a spirited child than my daugher is (just completely opposite personalities). My MIL wants a kid who will just sit in her lap all day and read books. My son is a BOY and he just doesn't do that! She came earlier this year to stay with my kids so that I could go and visit my best friend by myself (in FL, I live in TX). Since I was leaving on a Thursday and coming back Monday night, I didn't want my hubby to have to take that time off of work, so his Mom came to watch the kids during the day and he was here at night and over the weekend. Well, one of my friends who has a daughter my daughter's age, came over for a playdate while I was gone. My friend made the comment to me that "you sure can tell which one she favors" and proceeded to tell me that my MIL was making cookies with the girls and my son got fussy because he was hungry. So, my friend told her that my son was probably hungry and that maybe he needed a snack. My MIL looked at her and said "he will just have to wait until we're done with the cookies!". He was not even 2 at the time. I was livid. (my friend got him a snack) It is painfully obvious that she has a HUGE preference for my daughter and my son doesn't see it yet because he's only 2, but when he gets older, he will and it really upsets me. I've mentioned it to my husband and I'm not sure he sees it or thinks it's a big deal. They live in TN, so we only see them a few times per year, so I don't have to deal with it on an ongoing basis and I'm hoping that it will change over time. She's coming here again in a couple of weeks to help out while I have some surgery, so we'll see how she acts this time. Maybe now that my son is talking more and she can interact with him better, she won't be quite so overtly preferential to my daughter, but we'll just have to wait and see. If I witness it for myself, I will make sure my husband has a talk with her because I refuse to let her hurt my son that way as he grows up. Maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it. I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and just bring it to her attention first. Maybe your husband just needs to lovingly explain what you perceive is happening and see if you can make any headway that way. Sorry you're going through this. I know it can be hurtful. I wish I had more advice, but I haven't figured it out for myself either. I guess the bottom line is that life isn't fair and you can't control what other people do or how they feel, so if you bring it to her attention and nothing changes, then you may just have to limit contact with them to large family gatherings and just move on, as sad as that is.

Good luck! I hope you find a solution that works for your family.