Granddaughter Hurting Self, PLEASE Help

Sounds like you are the only true parent this child has. I don't understand why people have children then act like they don't want them or want to be bothered with them. She is just looking for attention when she does the things you tell her not to do. Kids will act out if they need attention. Doesn't matter if the attention is good or bad attention. Be patient and keep teaching and loving her. Sounds like she needs it!!!

She's stressed, frustrated & confused. Grandma has rules (which kids thrive for structure, so that is good) & mom & dad don't. Kids act out when they can't express what they are feeling or undersand it. Mom & dad don't show love & affection to each other in front of her, she sees anger & frustration so this is what she knows. They're not consistent with her therefore she doesn't know what to do or expect. I feel bad for saying this but you can't fix the child unless you fix the parents;) Did they want to have a baby this late or was she an "accident"? Maybe they unconciously resent being parents & having their life disrupted. Maybe they just didn't realize how tough it is to parent. It seems dad has a patience/anger issue & mom is either hot or cold. It sounds to me like the more time she spends with you the better although I'm sure it is tough on you. The poor child probably doesn't know which end is up. Do you have Parents as Teachers in your area you can maybe enroll her in? Alot of schools have early child development programs that children can attend free (PAT can help with the assessment & enrollment)for 1/2 day & this would give her a more structured atmosphere, more often - but the parents would probabaly have to take her & pick her up, but it may be worth it to them. The best thing you can do (if you can't talk to the parents about how they are affecting her)is be consistent and patient with her. She has to have rules & love somewhere!

Her parents ARE HER parents and you are the Grandma. Therefore, you can't change much about what happens at home but when she stays with you then I think your house rules apply. She's lucky to have someone who loves her just as she is and without being caught up in the drama of life that should just be for grown-ups. It's too bad that she is subject to Mom and Dad's fighting because it does have an influence on her and she is learning from them (the bad and the good). It's ashame that they can't seem to be grown up enough and save their adult problems for a time when she's not home or maybe already asleep. At the very least, when my husband and I have an arguement that comes out in the heat of the moment in front of our kids than we are quick to also let them see us make amends with each other and let them know that our disagreement had nothing to do with them. Parents fighting can feel scary to a child. Also, yelling at the child only teaches them to yell and act out. Obviously, Dad needs help with his anger issues!

It's great that you can pay her lots of special attention. You sound like a wonderful Grandma who only wants the best for her. When she's at your house she is getting needed structure and hugs. Know that God says, "Love covers over all wrongs" (Proverbs). The hitting her head and biting are ways of getting attention even if it's negative attention. And, kids react this way sometimes because they aren't able to put how they feel into words. So I would discourage that behavior, tell her the feeling she's having so she can put a name to it, (ex. I feel angry that I can't watch my cartoon and have to have a nap instead), then I would redirect her attention and give her positive reinforcement. Rules/boundaries actually give kids stability but some folks can even go overboard in that area. It's challenging to strike a balance. Remember that she's still going to test the waters with you just like she does at her own house...that's part of being a kid.

If she's thirsty for knowledge I would continue to give her lots of manipulatives to play with like blocks. Let her try fun things while she enjoys "Grandma Time" like helping you bake meatloaf or cookies and letting her help crack an egg or stir the mixture. Reading, coloring,and playdough are great outlets. Definately let her play outside and enjoy nature. You could even ask her Mom if she could have a playdate with another child or take her to the park where she could be around other children. You have lots of options...just continue enjoying being part of her life and PRAY OVER HER!

She sounds as if she is bored, not with you but she needs other children. Can you enroll her in preschool or a local Mother's Day Out at a church? You will be amazed at the change in her. The behavior will get worse out of frustration if her brain isn't stimulated more, happens to intelligent children quickly. Take this advice from a teacher who has seen it all.

Good luck,
D.

Thank you for being such a good example to this child. It sounds like you are doing a great job with the circumstances that you have been given. She really needs that structure that you are giving her. The banging the head thing is a stage that a lot of kids go through and in some ways it is to get attention, especially when they are upset. We generally make a game out of it and tell them to do soft bonks. Tell her that hurting herself is not a good way to get attention and redirect her to something more conscructive or less harmful like hitting a pillow or kicking a ball. This not only helps them get out the frustration but also helps them forget whatever it was that upset them. I hope this helps.

My now 10.5 year old daughter banged her head on hard wood floors from 12 months to just over 3.5 years of age. It was always when she was frustrated, not for attention. This is a way for them to "vent" like us adults in their own ways.
It did hurt her on many occasions, but no real damage. Today she is a bright and gifted young lady reading at a college level. I think you are doing the best thing possible for your grandbaby and she will grow up knowing how much you do care and understand! Thank God for Grandmas!!!!

No, she's not doing it for attention! Don't ever let someone tell you that. She's not old enough to realize stuff like that gets attention. My nephew did this same exact thing! He was found to have brain damage from birth (he and his twin were born at 26 weeks gestation), but he was also found to have something like childhood schizophrenia. Please have them get her checked.

Grandma you need to have a sit down with mom and dad and tell them they better get more structure for their little girl or you will need to do something drastic. Apparently they weren't ready for kids. They may have been older, but they certainly don't seem as though they were ready for kids. The poor child needs structure and she's not getting that at home. You need to intervene and do something to wake her parents up. Don't know which child is yours her mom or dad, but you need to lay down the law, hopefully like you did whent he/she was younger. Can you talk with the other grandparents and try to get their help with an intervention? They need to understand how they are hurting their daughter. My prayers are with you. Good luck and God Bless.

Poor baby...sounds like she is really acting out for attention. It sounds like you are doing all the right things when she is with you, not a lot you can do about what is going on when you are not around. Maybe you could sit down and have a heart to heart with your daughter and let her know your concerns?
I think she is very lucky to have you in her life...I wish I had more advice for you...but I will keep you in our prayers.

I didn't even think it until I started reading some of the other advice, but you may want to have her tested, I have an Autistic niece and also a niece who falls in the spectrum of Aspergers, the niece who has Aspergers when she is stressed or overwhelmed will do "crunches" and she has done this since a very early age, also my autistic niece will bite herself or beat her head against furniture, it can be very disturbing, but for her it is a way of "centering" herself, being able to be "aware" of where she is in relation to everything else. I am not saying that this is necesarily what is going on with your granddaughter but even if it is, its not as scary as it sounds...and its better to know, because the parenting advice that you would give for a child who falls in the spectrum can be very different. I do wish you all the luck in the world, regardless of what is at the root of your grandaughters problem, it seems you are her rock.

Sorry for my long post.
God bless you

SAHM of a 13 month old son, a 7 yr old daughter and a 12 and half yr old son.

Wow! Poor little girl! It sounds like her parents are the problem here. You need to have a talk w/ her parents and tell them that their selfish behavior is destroying their child. Of course do it as polite as possible but get the point across. You don't want these people to keep your grandchild from you if they get mad at you, although it sounds like they need you, but you never know. Kids who are raised in happy homes don't act this way. You know, I would let her sleep w/ you. It will make her feel so much more secure having her grandma (who obviously loves her very much) snuggle her every night. Right now she needs the extra love and comfort she does not receive at home. My husbands neice who is 18 and just graduated went through some similar situations w/ her(crazy)mom,(useless)dad and(worthless)stepdad. She just moved in w/ us last week and we have seen a remarkable change in her in just a week. We have certain expectations and rules she is to follow and I really think she appreciates a normal structured environment. We have talked about her living w/ us for years, and wish we had done it sooner. Just be firm w/ her but do it w/ love. Discipline is love, too much discipline or lack of, is controling and selfish. Sadly her parents probably aren't going to change and are going to wonder what's wrong w/ their daughter when she's older, and put her on a bunch of medicine because they have an out of control child that they created. I wish you and your grandaughter the best. It is going to be a long road for you and her, but don't give up! She needs you!! Hopefully they won't have anymore kids!!

I think it is family discussion night. Tell them you want a pow wow. Then inform them she is showing signs at a very tender age of mental health issues. These are obviously caused from disfunction in a variety of ways. You have to decide what is best for her and let them know either family counseling or no more sitting. I would be confused in that you can imagine small child.
Every one needs to be on the same page. This child needs stability. God bless,

Just keep loving her, and if you are the only one listening to her, DON'T STOP ! She is going to need your stability, love, and your compassionate ear as she grows. It doesn't sound like she has a very happy home life, but God has blessed her with a great Gramma to help her through it.

I think this calls for some outside help. Maybe family counseling, maybe Parents As Teachers (esp. the home visits and parenting help). Someone with training in evaluating behavior, even MDs often don't have much. Wishing your family the best.

You mentioned that she has "developed slowly". If her parents are open to it, I would encourage them to take her to the dr. to make sure she doesn't have any developmental delays. If so, she could get free help (therapy)in their community. It's hard to know what to suggest without knowing your granddaughter. If you've tried ignoring the behavior then I would try replacing the unwanted behavior with something else. For example, if she really wants to bite give her something safe to bite on. Give her hands something to do so she won't pull her hair out, like a ball to squeeze or pull and stretch silly putty. Praise your granddaughter whenever she's doing something good.
Goodluck. I know it's tough to see our "babies" hurting.

It sounds like she might have a form of autism. I am definitely not an expert on this subject so I would suggest you do some digging on the internet and also have her Doctor take a look and see what he thinks. But in reading what she does w/ the banging, etc... it could be that as there are different types of autism. She is definitely lucky to have you in her life. Good luck...

Hi Shar,
I have only read a couple of responses, so I apologize if my comments are repetitious. First, I applaud you for being so loving and concerned. Secondly, I applaud you for having rules and wanting to have consistency and boundaries for your precious grand-daughter. I honestly believe, although her life has a routine of going back-n-forth between you and her parents it is very unsettling for her and that is reflected in her "cry" of emotions. Also, her parents "lack" if you will of "consistent parenting" is not helping her either. Your rules, must become her parents rules as well. I believe your grand-daughter will appreciate the consistency if both households'-- rules, boundaries, and routines were the same.
Diagnosis: "Slower to Develop" if your grand-daughter is tested to have some delays, there are many Physical and/or Occupational Therapist paid by the States and/or School systems to come out to families home for free and/or charged to Insurance Companies to assist in developing "special needs" children. All you have to do is start with the Pediatrician. If there is no diagnosis, then again, I suggest sticking to the "Family Consistency Home Rules" and "Consistent Everyday Routines" (everyday, everything in her life must be the same). I also learned that if you are in St. Charles County, the school system has a "Parent as Teachers Program" that you can join and they can assist you with developing your child as well. You just have to contact your local school system.
I will be praying for your Shar. I hope my suggestions have not been to lengthy and/or redundant.
Many Blessings and God Speed, M. N.