Got Call from School for Son's Text at Home

Depends on the state that you live in and their cyberbullying laws. I work in a high school in Arizona and state law here states that if the incident disrupts the educational process it can be punished at school. If it makes a student feel unsafe or bullied it can be punished.

And here I was considering getting my 5th grader a cell phone. Not happening!! No time to text- she's too busy playing outside, drawing and reading :o)

I read this through carefully a few times. Nowhere do you say the school/principal is going to take action, give your kid detention, suspension, etc.

So basically, this was just a courtesy call to inform a parent of an event that involved her child?

Because most parents complain about NOT being notified from school about such things.

So tell your kid he needs to be more careful about what he says, even in text form. Call the other mom, tell her you feel bad about the whole business.

And move on.

:)

ETA: For the lack of technology, like when I was in middle school, the kid who went to the principal would be called a Narc. In modern day, he's a mole.

Lesson Learned is Social Skill #127: No matter what you say, to whom you say it, in any form whatsoever, you are responsible for your own words. Even in a "private" conversation.

And so, even words said in jest, or with affection, or with understood camaraderie, can be heard/interpreted in a way which, out of context, can put you in a negative light.

And btw, your entire post is an excellent example of that.

Not sure why you are being so defensive. How is a text any different than a note or a picture or anything else that could be done at home but shared at school?
Schools are trying to deal with bullying, so help them out by making sure your kid understands that anything he shares publicly is exactly that, public. Whether it originates at home or school he will be held accountable for his words/actions.

R.,

I don't know the laws of your state, but think of it this way. If the boy to whom your son was directing those comments complained to someone, and then, that person took the complaint to staff, the school is going to check it out. The principal is doing what he must as an administrator by looking into this and letting you know.

It looks from your post that the recipient of the comments wasn't even the one to say anything. Perhaps one of the other boys who was in the text-group thought things were getting out of hand, and he may have felt the need to get an adult involved. You know how we always tell kids, "If you see something, say something? and to report bullying.

I am NOT saying your child bullied this other boy, BUT apparently someone, somewhere along the line took something your son said as a cause for concern.

If there is even a hint of a possibility that one of their students is being bullied, threatened, or harassed, (even if you son did not intend it to be that), you can bet the school is going to check it out. In the wake of the many school tragedies that have occurred in recent years, school administrations are forced to investigate things more than ever.

Bottom line is, you don't know because you haven't seen the texts. Sometimes, what kids think of as "banter" ends up being more hurtful than they realize.

You should ask to see the texts, just so you have full knowledge of what's going on. Then, you should have on-going conversations with your son, and any other children you have, about NOT putting things that can be misunderstood or misinterpreted in texts, emails, or on social media. You should let him know that once it's out there, even if HE erases it, that the message exists somewhere (on someone else's phone, someone else's page, or a snapshot of his words or photos that someone took with THEIR phone).

As a parent, you should also routinely monitor your child's electronic communications and social media for reasons just such as your example here. We have to be the ones to teach kids what is acceptable and what is not.

To me, it wouldn't matter whether the communications took place outside of school time. The fact that such communications existed at all would disturb me. So the question of whether the school has jurisdiction, to me, is irrelevant from a parenting standpoint.

Hope you can get this straightened out and your son learns a valuable lesson from this.

J. F.

Schools are getting involved in cyber bullying because in carries over into the halls of their building. The other kid told him to stop - that means he didn't consider it playful banter, but bullying. What's more is the other kid went to them for help. I mean, if my coworker texted me language like that at home, you'd bet it would affect how I interacted with him at work and my performance. Many schools have printed policies on cyber bullying where you will find the answer to why they are involved. Yes, I think the school has a right to show concern.

Eta- oh for goodness sakes, they weren't being rude and judgmental! You don't like that some feel the school is in the right and how your son would be disciplined if he was theirs. But why are you here if you didn't want to hear ALL opinions!?! Good grief! We don't blow sunshine here and stoke egos. You weren't talking to me because I hadn't answered yet, but I agree with the school and I explained why. Does that make ME judgmental to you, too?

I have been to many trainings on this. Yes the school has jurisdiction over anything happening in cyberspace if it disrupts the school day or the school experience of anyone involved.

So if any of the other kids on the group texts felt "iffy" about seeing your son at school because of what he said via text, then yes, the school had a right to step in.

Bottom line (and you know this) your son shouldn't be saying F--- you to people, in person, in text, or anything. I don't buy it that this was just banter amongst friends. If it is you need to nip it in the bud. It *could* be cyberbullying, calling someone out, saying "f-you b-" in front of a group of people copied on the same text. Not cool. Even if it was playful banter, just not appropriate. I know I or my principal would call the parent if another kid at my school complained about this. And as a parent I'd want to know. (he's about to enter Jr. High, you should be checking his texts nightly for the next couple years... take it from me).

I do feel you are shooting the messenger a bit on this one.

I think, to try and answer your question at the end of your post, that schools have become much more sensitive (for better or for worse) to language, pictures, and even insinuations.

They may not have legal jurisdiction in the same way that the police might have, but we've all heard about schools expelling or suspending students because their potato chip looked like a bomb or because they had a jack knife in their tool chest in their car in the parking lot.

So, a text between students that contained such language just very well might be all a school would need to start the process of protecting and defending a student who feels bullied. Even if the texts occurred the night before a school day, the principal could feel that the texts could refer to actions that would happen during the following school day.

I'm concerned that you called this "banter". This is not banter. It's profanity directed at a fellow student, by children who are not even teenagers, or very young teens. Your son may very well be telling the truth that this occurred at home, on an evening away from school, but he did text these despicable words to a fellow student, and that's serious stuff.

You and your son will probably both learn a pretty sobering lesson about how words are treated in this day and age. A decade or so ago, a rude word was shouted across a street and pretty much lost in the air, maybe heard by a kid, maybe drowned out by the traffic. But now, words and pictures are on instagram, texts, permanent records, Twitter, Facebook and face time, and they are accessible in searches, in internet service providers' records, on screen shots. It's a very different world. Make sure your words reflect those that you want your son to use, and try to make sure that you teach him that this is not banter - it's cursing, and it hurts.

Yes, the minute your brilliant son brought the phone to school they had authority over the content. It is no different than if he wrote it in a notebook and took that to school.

Instead of trying to figure out a way to make the school the bad guy why don't you work on why your son thinks that is appropriate language at his age.

Um, after your snippy what happened, you are kidding right? Everything about how your post was written says you believe your son and are looking for excuses. If that was not the situation that isn't our fault for not understanding because it was your words we were reading. It isn't like MMP has a spy cam in your home, sees a situation, translates it and we all go to town.

If you have this hard a time owning your own words I can see why your son is having trouble owning his. Perhaps break the cycle and teach your son to own his actions not look for excuses to blame others.

I wouldn't worry about when the texts were sent.

I would tell my son that his behavior when he participates in social media or texting is always recorded somehow regardless of if he deletes a text or a post or a picture. There is no "safe" time to have a conversation with a friend that is guaranteed to remain private, there is no way to post a picture that is guaranteed to only be viewed by certain people.

It's "the talk" most parents need to have with their kid when they hand him/her a cell phone anyway, and now you have a great example to back up your words: a so-called private conversation turned out to be a group text that was seen by his principal.

And needless to say, I would give him consequences for using inappropriate language, even if everybody else was doing it too.

Teach your son to not type or upload anything that might be used against him in the future. This is a nice, fairly safe example of how quickly things get out of hand.

The short answer is, yes. I suppose it depends on where you live but where I live, yes it does, because what happens off school grounds and out of school hours spills over into relationships at school. It's not OK to bully or harass or use threatening or coarse language to a student just because it happens outside of school.

Good for your school. I would assume that as a first step, you have revoked your son's phone for a long, long time and are monitoring and restricting any other media (via computer or tablet) as well?

Hopefully he will learn a good lesson from this and it will be a positive experience for you as a wake-up call for tightening the reins on his media usage. Really, there is no need for a 6th grader to have phone at all, or to bring it to school. If you feel that he must be able to get in touch with you after school for some reason and needs a phone, then remove the texting feature and limit who he can call using parental controls.

Holy cow. My daughter is also in 6th and I do check her texts, Instagram, and iMessages regularly. Why? Because I can. I do fully trust her, but I'm allowed to do that as her mom and I do. So does my husband. If we find anything wrong, we address it immediately.

Does the school have a right to do this? I think yes because it was brought to their attention. I would have gone to the parents if I saw this on my child's phone, but they went to the school. So now these texts are interrupting school learning time, so they have to take action.

Honestly, I would be MORTIFIED if any of my children used this language. No, my kids are not perfect, but they know better than to talk like that, even in groups of friends. And we monitor their friends as well to make sure they are surrounded by good people. So the problem you need to address here is how your son spooke and his actions when he was asked to stop. Punishment would be HUGE for this one.

I would be less worried about the school and more focused on teaching your son a lesson. To me that would mean a long hard talk about how everything he puts out there, online or whatever, can affect him in life, in friendships, in school and even in the workplace.
This isn't a time for punishment, blame or pointing fingers, it's a time to TEACH your son a very valuable life lesson: your words are just as powerful as your fists, so unless you are proud of what you have to say and willing to share it with everyone, keep your mouth shut.

I've worked in at least one school (middle school) that holds kids accountable for things they do outside of school. Depending on the nature of the things the kids have done outside of school, kids have even been suspended at this school. I think it's wonderful, and it's very effective.

Support the school in this effort.

There is no longer any clear boundary between a kid's being bullied or harassed at school and being bullied or harassed outside school because social media (and I'm including texting here) make it so simple to continue the "banter" all day and all night. THAT is why the school has to be involved. There have been cases in our school and in the news too about schools intervening when they are told that a student is being harassed online outside school by other students. This has been in the news plenty and I'm surprised you haven't seen it.

Why are you focused on "jurisdiction" rather than on your child's use of crude language that you claim you would punish him for?

Have you punished him? You say "we were...fully ready to punish him" but then you start talking about how the text was done at home...Are you actually waiting to see if you think the school was in the wrong, before you discipline him?

I don't understand it when you say that "I believe my son is telling the truth because he's not worried at all about us recovering the texts." The paragraph before that seems to indicate you believe he did send this text and it did contain the words you mention. What's he telling the truth about here -- that he cursed in the texts? Why do you want to "do some investigation" if he's admitted to it and the principal saw it as well before the texts were deleted? Are you basically saying it's now his word against the principal's, if your son is denying the now-deleted texts? It's confusing.

I'd stop investigating and start teaching your son that what he does every hour of the day affects school, period, from now on and he needs to accept that. And I hope punishment one was taking away his phone.

i don't know for sure, as i didn't have kids in public schools when kids were allowed cell phones. but it seems to me as if the school DOES have a say if the kids are toting around and reading their cell phones at school. whether the text originated on actual school property or was sent the night before and read during the school day, when the rubber meets the road they still have one student using offensive and abusive language to another.
if it were simply the spoken word, i'd be with you in saying 'i'll handle it when it happens outside of school' but since this falls under the squishier rubrick of techno-communication, i can understand their concern.
i commend you for having a boy who is so forthright about his peccadilloes, and taking action.
i don't know really why you're 'investigating' or so worried about the school's concern. if it was your child receiving texts like this, you'd probably be miffed too, and expecting some sort of action to be taken.
rather than expend the energy investigating, i'd focus on making sure my (overall good) kid was very clear on the harsh reality that words put into the ethernet cannot be recalled, and to put much better boundaries around his word choices, both spoken and typed. and i think an apology to all the kids in the group would be appropriate.
ETA- very taken aback by your over-the-top SWH. wow!
khairete
S.

At our school they are getting involved in cyber bullying and sexting whether it happened at home or on the school grounds. They say it's mainly to protect the kids. Even though it was a group of his friends the text could have gone out to other people and caused a bigger mess.

For those of you who seem surprised that a 12 year old will uses such words wake up. I'm sure your precious bundles of joy have used these words and many more behind your back. This is a good time for a discussion on what is acceptable and what isn't.

R. at least you know what is going on and you can start a plan on how to deal with it. As far as the school is concerned in some states they can have jurisdiction. I would talk to the school to see what they are suggesting. If you feel they are not treating this situation fairly go to the school board. Good luck!!!

If he was on facebook and bullying a child there he would get in trouble at school. We see that all the time. I appreciate that!
Perhaps the person that was on the group text felt that your son was bullying.

Here's the thing-- if a person says 'stop it' and the behavior doesn't stop, that person can feel threatened while at school with the person who didn't respect that 'no'. We recently had a situation where some really out-of-the-blue behavior on the part of another parent and her children (who lived in our neighborhood) was directed at our son one evening.... her son ( a classmate) had been hitting my kid and frankly, the over-the-top behavior of the family made me decide that the school counselor should be notified. Because besides the hitting, this was very erratic, irrational behavior on the part of the parent and I didn't want my son being negatively impacted should that parent volunteer in the classroom.

Sometimes, we ask the school to help when things feel out of control or the negative behaviors are dismissed by the other parent. You need to understand that what your son did was likely embarrassing or humiliating to the friend; if there was a group text going on, even more so.

Teach him that you don't talk to people that way and that is a disrespectful way to communicate, period. And that you stop the first time someone ask you to stop, not wait to send one more snarky remark. I know kids who have had the police contacting their parents because of stupid pranks they pull via text and online. The sender thinks it's all in fun; the receiver is upset or feels threatened. Time for your son to grow up a bit and realize that phones are a privilege, not a right. You should be very wary of letting him have the phone back until he's proven that he's able to be responsible with it. The school should be the least of your concerns in this matter.

My granddaughter was involved in an instance last year that happened outside school hours. She was in the 8Th grade. The conflict over the incident was continued at school the next day. The principal said that ordinarily she would not get involved and read the rule stating this. But because kids talked and argued about it in school she did get involved and suspended kids from school.

My granddaughter's situation was much more serious. I suggest that when one person complains to the principal (s)he has to investigate. That doesn'T mean your son will be disciplined.

In our situation the principal, the principal said she's aware of the foul language used everyday among students and doesn'T have the same meaning amongst students. As long as students do not use that language with adults she's not concerned.

The person who complained should have shown the principal the original post. If they didn'T it's their word against your son's. I would only be just a little concerned.I suggest you talk with the principal alone and ask her where she's headed with this. My grandaughter's principal talked with my daughter and me with my granddaughter out of the room, explained the rules and why she was involved as well as her intention and why. I suggest if (s)he didn'T do that this is likely no big deal.

I am the silent adult in my car and tell you this sort of language is common and used every day. You can prevent hearing it in your presence but I believe it's one of those battles not worth fighting.

As a 71 yo retired police officer I say that this sort of language has become the norm. Times change.

After rereading your post: you said the principal saw the text on your son's phone so (s)he knows when it was sent. When has apparently been established. In my granddaughter's case the school had access via computer of all the posts. They printed it out for us to see.

I suggest the issue is not when it was sent. Instead it is the appropriate use of language. His use of language was inappropriate in this situation. Consider it a learning lesson. If this is the only time he's done this I suggest there needs to be no further consequences. He's been called to principals office, you've told him it's inappropriate. Case closed.

However, is this just part of a pattern? Does he frequntly handle such situations in anger? What was he saying for the other person to ask him to stop? Why didn'T he just stop? What was his intent when he shot off that salvo? What are his relationships with these people like?

I suggest the words, themselves, may not be the main concern. I suggest his post, no matter when he sent it, may not be the issue. The school partners with parent's when the parents will allow them to. This isn'T a legal issue.

Since a student informed the school, the school did the right thing in informing the parents. When I was in the 7th or 8th grade I cussed like a sailor with my friends. Why, because I could. Did I get over that phase of development, certainly. I perfer to have a much more sophistocated way of expressing myself and explictives are necessary in my ordinary language but I'm also a college graduate and over 45. LOL

A conversation with your kids is all that is needed because I believe LIFE has taught him so much better than a lecture or punishment from you or the school at this point. Hang in there, he will be 18 and a legal adult sooner than you think. You're doing a great job.

My son is in the 6th grade. Before I got to the part where you said his age, I thought you were talking about a much older kid. I would not be worried about the school getting involved as much as why your 12 yo thinks he can text and talk like that at his age.

My son was hit in the head by another kid at school on Monday. When he was telling me what happened, he started to cry, said in the middle of everyone calling him names and being mean to him, he started to cuss at them. I have never heard my son use a curse word until now and I'm proud of him for that. The worse he did was call these kids names back, but they hit him.

So yes, the school has jurisdiction of what your son takes on their property, during school hours, even if it's his personal cell phone. Good luck.

Being that this took place outside of school hours, I do not feel the school has any right to say anything. If the offended kid or his/her parent felt what your son said was threatening, I could see letting the school know about it. At that point, the school could keep an eye out to see if your son is actually bullying anyone. But I don't think you son should've been called to the office or anything like that. This is something that should be dealt with by the parents. Kids will be kids. And this is an age where they start rebelling. I'm sure this won't be the last time he says a cuss word.
We got a call from the principal last year because my son and his friends were mixing sugar with powedered kool-aid (basically a homemade pixie stick) and calling it "candy crack". One kid actually got suspended because he brought it to school in a baggy so it was considered something similar to a "counterfeit controlled substance". We got a warning call because it was made at our house. I thought that was ridiculous, these were 9 and 10yr old kids. I felt like they had no right to tell us what kids can do at our house but since they were taking it so seriously, we no longer allowed them to do it.

You know, it's weird how quickly things can get out of hand- even for good kids, when it comes to social media. If I had a younger child w/out a phone, I would say no way would this ever happen to us. But kids can be so impulsive and one minor bad judgment call can really cause problems.

I know that my daughter was in a group text a few months ago and her and another kid in the group got into a lighthearted banter about NFL football teams with a game coming up. Suddenly all of the other kids on the call piled on the other kid because they thought he was being mean to my daughter. It got ugly so fast, I couldn't believe it. Kids can't judge these situations well or see around the corner for what this will look like later!

Anyway, I actually went to a social media training and learned about just this thing. They said that because so many states either have no laws or cloudy laws regarding cyberbullying, they are currently looking to the schools to handle these matters so that they don't end up in litigation and with unclear enforcement. So they said that most schools do have policies regarding cell phone/social media use on and off school property. So likely, they do have some say over your son's situation. Though just using profanity isn't the same as cyberbullying, so hopefully they just are calling because someone complained and they wanted to be thorough and respond to the complaint.

It sounds like your son is a good kid, and that you guys are aware of his cell phone use. I guess if it were me I would be mad at the situation, but might as well use it as a warning of what could happen. Luckily nothing worse happened, and hopefully he got a little 'scared straight' and as others said, hopefully it's just more of a heads up.

How much do you want the school interfering with your home life? That's how much they should be involved in this.

I would tell them that the conversations took place outside of school hours and off their property and that the other parents and I would handle it.

This is a good lesson on how something done at home or what you think of as privacy can get brought into school or later the workplace.

I had a friend who is a teacher have someone print her Facebook page and give it to her principle. This was before there was district policy regarding faculty social media internet uses. They wanted to disciple her and maybe even spend her for what she said about her school in what she thought was the privacy of her "friends". She told them to "jump in the lake" she hadn't given up her First Amendment rights to free speech and that if they followed through they would be talking to her lawyer.

Now teachers in that district have to sign that their social media is not private and can be used against them.

So anyways...to your son...I think the school is over stepping...didn't happen at school, or during school hours...child who was name called wasn't upset. BUT re-read your school's student handbook. You might be surprised that student's social media may not be protected but allowed to be used at school in discipline areas. Most kids sign that they read the handbook, but who actually reads the whole thing these days....especially sense there is no printed copy just digital ones.

Good luck!!

In my opinion, they overstepped their bounds. It is not illegal to use curse words and your family may be OK with him using those words (not saying you are but some families have no issues with it). This is assuming he is in public school..if it were a private Christian school then I would answer differently.

I don't think the school has any business looking into this. It didn't happen right after school nor on school grounds. Further, it doesn't sound like it was cyber bullying. I don't see what the big deal is. I would ground my son from use of the phone (except maybe taking it to school with him, if he feel like he really HAS to have a phone) but that's about it. In the whole scheme of things, this is a non-issue and I wouldn't waste another minute thinking about it. If the school wants to spin their wheels over it, wish them a good time but let them know you are done with this issue and don't want to hear about it again.

The double entendre. I thought your son left his text "book" at home and the school called you.

I don't think the school has any rights once your child is at home and not bothering anyone who is on school grounds. Would the school get involved if two kids got in a fight at home but both are students? NO. It's ridiculous and I think you need to tell them that.

I would thank them for sharing the information and leave it at that. If they insist, I would ask them to show you the actual text with the time that the text took place. Certainly the child who reported it has the time recorded on his phone and the school has the time to show it took place on their watch before getting involved.

I am with you. I believe that the school's net is way too far slung. If it happened at night, it is not the school's business.

Some say if it disturbs the school day---everything and anything can disturb the school day: talks about the Super Bowl, Little League skirmishes, Halloween bag snatching...

There has got to be a separation!

I could see where a school would be involved if cyberbullying involved a group of their students. However, I think this was not something they needed to be involved in, unless there was more to it. What action was the principle going to take? Was it just a head's up?

Further I would talk to my son about how texts, images, posts, etc. do not stay with the person he sends them to. Going viral is not always the best thing, and your son needs to remember that anything he says in that medium should be considered public.

This is such an iffy situation to me in whether the school should be involved. Its a hard line for schools right now regarding cyber bullying, although this doesn't sound as if it is a bullying situation at all. I wonder what the dynamic is with him and the kid who reported it. Is there a possibility that there are some at school issues that go along with it.
Technically, I don't know if they have jurisdiction, but if it carries over into relationships on school grounds, then they would typically get involved.