Gift Giving and Divorce

Updated on January 15, 2010
K.S. asks from Saint Paul, MN
6 answers

My brother is recently divorced and he and his ex are still working through custody and support stuff. Until a final decree is made, 50% of his paycheck goes to her. My question is: How should family members handle gift-giving; specifically when the custody/parenting issues are contentious (though I am sure they usually are.). Here's the deal:

My brother and his children were all but abandoned by the mother. To make the situation permanent, my brother and kids moved in with my parents and he began separation and divorce proceedings. The kids got enrolled in a new school and my parents reworked the top floor of their home into an apartment. Aside from a few unpredictable hours spent with their mother each month...This is how things went for 1 year. Until the mother's family bought her a house and more or less insisted she stay employed and fight for full custody. Which she has been denied. And we now have a year of this situation behind us. The girls are with my brother every weekend and 1 or 2 weekdays.

All child support is being directed to the mother's divorce lawyer and every week, the mother asks the girls to bring all their stuff (bedding, shoes, jackets, clothes, hygiene products, bikes, etc.) from my parents' house back home to her. Sunday, one girl had stuffed a bunch of new clothes in her shirt in order to get it home. This is stuff my brother, my parents and the girls' aunts (one of whom is me) have bought for them over the last two years so that they could have a more or less permanent feeling of home when they are with my brother. My mother is especially good about buying them new clothes, hemming them, washing them, etc. and it kills me to see her work so hard to be a mother to these kids while their real mother coasts. I know the girls are being pulled in different directions and I don't want them punished. But what can I do for Christmas? What kind of gifts can I get that cannot be appropriated by the mother (who btw has a very; shall we say, "low key" approach to house and child care and most everything they have over there gets ruined, lost, sold, etc.).

The oldest is in 6th grade. Is she old enough to hear from her uncle and I that we are giving her a gift with the express request that it remain in her father's home?

Last item, when I asked the kids what they wanted for Christmas, they told me "Mom said it would be easiest to just get us gift cards."

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B.H.

answers from Minneapolis on

I think the bigger problem here is that your brother needs to put his foot down and not allow thing to go to mom's house.

I would talk with your brother. Tell him how you love to help the kids out but that you cannot help them when everything goes to mom's house and never returns or is ruined.

If that doesn't work then I would take the money you would be spending on them and make it their xmas present to go somewhere fun. Take them out for the day. Go to lunch and movie or a amusement park. I would still wrap something up like decorate a piece of a paper that says Good for "The day with Aunt... at Camp Snoopy!

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K.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

Yes, the kids can definitely be given gifts that stay in their dad's house. I'm doing something similar. I'm giving a six-year-old a child-size guitar that will stay at my house because at his house his older brother is destructive. Or if you need to, you can even say you're buying some things that will be YOURS for the kids to use while they're with you. It takes a lot of wisdom and caring to get through this kind of situation in a way that works out for the highest good of all. Keep on loving them, and try to imagine yourself in the mom's shoes too. It's hard for everybody.

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K.B.

answers from Minneapolis on

Sorry, but nothing from your Brothers house should be getting sent back to the mothers, with the exception of the jacket and shoes they wore from her house to his. You could even send them back in the same clothes, but wash them first (unless of coarse they are only they for a day).

I have custody of my daughter (12yrs old) and she goes to her fathers everyother weekend and one night a week. Of coarse holiday's are split as well. When she was younger I would have to send a bag to his house that included clothes for the time she was there, snowpants, boots, shoes and so on. Well after many pieces of clothing coming back ruined or not even being worn, I brought this up with court person we were working with and decided that I send her on Friday with the clothes she is wearing and she comes back home in the same clothes on Sunday (not washed of coarse).

I assume your brother pays her support and that is to buy things the kids need. He should not be paying support AND sending everything back to her house in order for her to care for the children. It kills me to read this...I can't believe they are required to strip there beds to bring bedding back to her house.

As far as clothes being ruined, what I did is send her in garage sale clothes, or used clothes I didn't care as much about. Go on Craigslist, many people even give stuff away for free.

So I would say, get used, or cheap jackets, shoes and clothing to send with the kids to her house and keep the good stuff with your brother. Also DO NOT let them bring personal belongings to her house you don't want ruined or even left at her house. DON'T buy Gift Certificates, unless you brother will be the one spending them NOT her.

Feel free to message me if you have any other questions.....

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S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

There are bigger issues here than Christmas, but I agree not to buy them gift cards. Buy them typical gifts and their father needs to speak up about them not leaving his house.

Your brother does not need to allow them to bring anything to their mother's house except the clothes they are wearing and a small toy. I agree with the tactic suggested that I would buy them a set of inexpensive bedding, etc. and tell them to leave it at their mothers and stop the carrying back and forth.

Not all divorces are like this one, and they don't need to be. It completely depends on the two people divorcing as to how it goes. Please just remember the only important thing here are the children and their well-being. They are more important than money, things, or presents. And advise your brother to get a better lawyer. (we had three while dealing with my husband's ex and his kids, and only the third really knew what they were doing against his ex's highly paid, totally non-ethical lawyer)

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K.H.

answers from Minneapolis on

1st let me say-im totally shocked that shes got the kids-somethings just not right with that-i sure wouldnt go with gift cards for dear sweet mommy to spend..i would get them savings bonds with the childs name and the dads name...start saving for their future.and dear mommy cant cash them in.we did this with my kids-my ex inlaws-they put my name with the kids on them-for all holdays an bdays thats what they got til they turned 20..50.00 each time adds up over the yrs.they both have used some of them for stuff they realy wanted or needed.i had full custody-but my ex was a snake.so this worked out well for all.its to bad she came back..best of luck...hope he gets custody

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A.S.

answers from Minneapolis on

Sorry I know this is a little late, but figured I would post anyway for future gift giving. What if you give them tickets for something to EXPERIENCE, not something that can be owned? And then your brother or you could take them to it - a circus, Disney on Ice, movie tickets, a concert....whatever they are into? My kids are 4 and 7 and we have so much STUFF. My new motto is 'Make memories....not clutter!'

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