Getting in Trouble at School and What to Do at Home

What connection does TV have with school?

In my opinion, he had a bad/off day. It was handled at school. Don't do anything else. If he continues to have problems at school, have a meeting with the teacher and approach it as a team.

Losing TV for the whole weekend is too much anyway... jeez, what happens if he REALLY acts up.

First time? Let the school deal with it, getting in trouble at school is enough for most kids. Being punished at home is overkill (and mean IMO.)

School handled the discipline. Talk it over a little with him and reinforce what school said TODAY, then let it go.

He had a bad day, school handled it, and you should remind him that he should follow the rules that his teachers set for the class and then let it drop. Punishing him at home would be like your boss yelling at you for missing a deadline and then coming home to have your spouse yell at you for missing a deadline at work.

On the one hand - school did handle it.
On the other hand - you want to show your son that you back up the schools decision regarding his behavior - talking isn't enough..
Totally ignoring it at home has the effect that you don't think what he did was a big deal.
No tv for a whole weekend might be a bit much but no tv tonight would be about right - since he had an off day maybe going to bed on the early side might be a good idea.
Maybe you might help him write an apology to the teacher.

I have always believed that the teachers/school staff should be in charge of discipline at school. Otherwise, he is being punished twice for the same thing... It would be like giving him a time out, then later deciding that wasn't good enough and punishing him again.

Unless the teacher indicates that she feels further action is necessary, or if it turns into a big problem, I would let them handle it.

Hi C.,

The way we've handled this in the past is to let the school handle it the first time but have the school communicate with us what happened and how they handled it. We would then tell our DS that we are aware of the issue and that we have communicated with the school and that if another incident happens again then we will have to impose a consequence.

We just went through this during the first few weeks of school. The second incident was clearly a repeat offense and even though it was less serious than the first, we imposed the consequences anyway because not to do so would have been confusing and inconsistent.

In your case, i wouldn't impose a consequence but explain that if the behavior is repeated he will have one or more. Our most effective leverage is removing the electronics, computer, phone, tv, all of it. It was a very long week for him but I am confident he won't be putting his hands on anyone again. I hope this helps. Try to have some empathy but alwasy follow through. :-) S.

Done and over. IF the behavior continues to be an issue then take more drastic action.

Ditto Mira: this time he got the information from the teacher that the behavior was unacceptable. I usually let my son's actions be my guide as to how to continue. If the same thing happens again (being silly, disrespecting the teacher, wasting class time goofing around) then yes, there should be some a follow-up consequence at home.

I came from a generation which learned that when you sassed a teacher, answered back, weren't following the rules, were a problem for the teacher, then there was most certainly a consequence for that at home. For second offenses, this is how we parents back the teacher up and support her.

If it were me, I'd also check in with the teacher and get her opinion on what happened if you haven't already. Sometimes kids will downplay their own part in something. As a parent, I like to make sure I have all of the information.

One approach would be to gauge whether he's contrite. Talk it over with him. If he seems remorseful and committed to never doing it again, then the school's punishment has "taken" and there's no need to double down. If he seems defiant or indifferent, then an additional punishment is in order.

Alternatively, your thought -- school punishment only for a first offense, add a home punishment if it happens again -- sounds good. You don't want the first-round consequence to be so severe that there's nowhere to go from there. After a while, over-punished kids get "hardened," and it's harder to reach them. So save yourself some room to escalate if you need to, which hopefully you won't.

I agree. School should handle it, but if it becomes something that is repeated, then you need to intervene at home.

M.
Moms Helping Moms Work at Home
www.homeisgreat.com

See if it happens again....now he knows he'll get in trouble for doing it.

He's only in K....still learning the ropes

Done and over. I think you are right when you note that if it were (or if it becomes) an ongoing problem, then consequences at home are appropriate but they aren't needed this one day.

I would be sure that he simply knows that YOU know what went on. I think it's important that kids learn from the start that parents and teachers communicate and yes, mom and dad do know what happens at school. Otherwise, kids can think that school and home are totally separate spheres and can start to believe that "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," so to speak. I'd just tell him that you know what happened, that he gave a goofy answer when it was not appropriate and that he did (whatever the other thing was, it's not clear in the post). Tell him you know the teacher has handled it and it's over, but he needs to know that you are aware of what happens at school. Then move on to another topic. You might find him coming to you over the weekend worried about "Are you mad with me about what happened?" etc. since this is the first time all this has happened....But just tell him again, you're not mad; you are not disciplining at home because the teacher handled it and he had a consequence at school (um, he DID, didn't he, right?) and he just needs to be aware that behavior at school is known about at home, that's all. Then, again, move on.

For that kind of thing I would just sit them down and talk about it. Talk about what happened and get their side and also some ways in which he could have handled himself and the situation. That's what I do with both of my kids and they are in 4th and 1st grade. He probably got disciplined at school. If this continues than you and the teacher need to get together and figure things out. We had some behavior issues with our son in kindergarten - 2nd grade, mostly immaturity and not respecting personal space. The teachers and us worked with him to correct the issue and no punishment was used but rather talking about correct behavior, reminders and talking about the school day.

It's over. No double punishment, in my opinion. Trouble at school gets punished at school. Save home punishment for trouble outside of school, which might happen some day in the future. ;-)

ETA: I really like Diane D's analogy.

First "offense" in a month and a half of school. Not bad! I think he's just feeling comfortable and safe and tried to see what he could get away with. Or maybe he's running a low grade temp. Or maybe he's in the month before a huge growth spurt and his brain is fried. Or just maybe he deliberately chose to misbehave. I bet HE doesn't even know why he did it. I appreciate parents wanting to improve their children's behavior in school, so just make sure he knows that you know what he did, that his teacher handled it, that you expect this will not happen again. If the teacher is anything like me, she doesn't want a double discipline, just reinforcement of what is expected.

++Diane D. gives a very good answer..Her analogy is so true.++
We let the school take care of "punishment". We don't let it carry over into home. Please let home be his place to escape the hum drum of school.

Have fun with your son this weekend..love him up one side and down the other. Send him on his way Monday letting him know you expect him to try his best, treat others with respect and act appropriately.

This is his first offense...and a minor one at that. Cut him some slack. So a vote for mom on this one...dad needs to take a breather. If it happens again then maybe make a good behavior chart. He earns a sticker each day his teacher gives you a thumbs up when you pick him up. When he earns X amount of stickers then he gets to stay up an extra 30 minutes with mom and dad watching his favorite show..or an ice cream date with mom and dad...or a game after bedtime with mom and dad. Don't let him earn "things" or "stuff" but instead time with you and your husband.

Good luck and best wishes!!

No. Hubby's way will only reinforce that the teacher isn't the boss at school. If the school handled it then it's over and nothing to do with home. Talking to him is sufficient so he knows he didn't get away with something you don't know about.

Teachers take care of school issue's unless it is an ongoing and continuous thing. Talk with him about appropriate behavior and move on.

We are going through this too. He did 2 months last school year and we had no problems with behaviour. This year from the first day we have had "issues". He had an "accident" which he hadn't done in umpteen months and it went downhill from there. I'm not sure if we just got off on the wrong foot this year - we had a busy summer. The teacher dealt with it at school and I did not reprimand at home but reminded him of the rules we should follow. I am meeting with her though, I think she needs some insight into what works for him should he need to be reprimanded.
We wrote up his rules on a white board to reinforce them. Keep your hands and feet to yourself. Use your manners - please, thank you and excuse me. Treat others with respect, use your words and a kind voice. Follow instructions. We also got him in to bed an hour longer and he seems to be fairing much better - I think his brain was just in overload with all the learning. He seems to be settling down but is a touchy feely child, but not aggressive and I appreciate many children don't like to be touched and we are working on that. I am using the sticker chart to reward. I think we are over the hump but every day I cross my fingers when I pick him up! Yipee for us. Good luck.

For kindergarten and a first time offense, a stern talking too and let it go. If it happens again...then more. I am of the opinion that yes, if you misbehave at school, the parents should punish as well, because it is important to have respect for the teacher. But in this case, let it go. The parents who don't want to be parents and "let the school handle it" are the ones whose kids are most likely the ones getting in trouble all the time! It's parents job to reinforce school discipline. If its a one time thing, let it go, if it's a chronic problem, there's more that needs to be done in the home, and not just punishments, but teaching about respect and self control. Punishments rarely work on their own and sometimes have the opposite effect of what we want.

The most I would do at home is have my kid write (dictate and draw a picture) an apology note for the teacher. I'm a teacher and if I have handled a situation at school I consider it dealt with. If I contact a parent it is mostly just an FYI in case the student goes home and mentions getting in trouble. I don't think parents need to follow up with another consequence if it is a minor thing. If is something more serious like bullying or fighting or stealing or something like that I might talk with the parents about some follow through at home. But I also know that I can't dictate how parents choose to parent their own kids.

Teachers have consequences in place. I would talk about it. But not make a big deal. And if it happens regularly then address it with a consequence at home.

I agree with you. When this first happened with us, we did punish at home too but after further thinking, we did not ( unless it was more serious). However, I have since put a reward system in place. If my sons stay on "green" every day, they will get to pick out a book at the end of the month. They like the idea and it keeps the feedback positive.

Do not overpunish. Save the taking TV for if he hits someone or something like that - THAT's more appropriate.

He got in trouble at school. Perhaps a brief time-out at home after talking with him about not respecting the teacher. And use questions - ask him how he would feel if he asked someone a question, and they would't give him a good answer, like if they had a toy that he liked and he asked about it and they kept saying something else. How would that make HIM feel. How did he think the teacher felt? Is it nice to make the teacher feel like that? Etc.