Getting a Divorce - Tips and Advice?

I so wish you would try anything else first. If he won't go to counseling you need to. I liked Kimberly F saying to try the Love Dare book first. It could help you to deal with it and maybe influence him. He sounds like he has a lot of issues that maybe he needs help in dealing with.

My sister is going through a nasty divorce, so I have some advice based on that. Keep it civil for the kids (it sounds like it will be that way based on what you are saying). Do everything in the best interest of the kids (my ex-brother-in-law is choosing NOT to do this). Avoid attorneys if possible. My sis is in NC and they had mandatory mediation (free, I believe). Her ex would not agree to anything, so they had to get attorneys...BOTH attorneys required 10k up front--YIKES! The only thing they have to dispute is custody--and it could cost them 20k they DON'T have! Best of Luck!

I strongly suggest mediation instead of, or before, lawyers. If the two of you can discuss what you want for your children, what to do with the house and finances, a mediator lets the two of you decide these things. Lawyers make more money the more they can get two people to fight.

My ex and I used a mediator and in two sessions, not quite four hours total, had EVERYTHING decided - parenting plan/schedule, house, finances, everything. Then, we took the write up to one lawyer that we both trusted. The lawyer submits the agreement (written in appropriate family court language) and the divorce is done by the court.

Mediation instead of lawyers set us up for a cooperative co-parenting arrangement that's worked for five years now.

You must get a lawyer. I promise you will regret it if you do not.
Please set up seperate account, line up a job, and get a place to live before you tell him. Even the nicest guy in the world could flip out.

You need to have a lawyer in part to check for assets. Did you know you can claim half his pension in some cases?

Even nice people can go crazy while divorcing. They feel their world crushing under their feet and get usually very suspicious of the other person, having many fears and becoming very untrusting of the soon to be ex. So, first advice is to NOT be completely optimistic about how you expect him to react. 2nd advice is to talk to a lawyer BEFORE talking to him and to let him advice you on how to prepare the "ground" for having that primary custody that you are seeking. Also you need to have copies of all his income documents (salary, stocks etc..) just in case he becomes suddendly short-handed when discussing child support. Also copy documents on value of house, cars, anything you have together. And, yes, you need your own bank account! I wish you to have it easy, but, as said, you never know how someone can react to such a life altering decision, so...be careful. Good luck.

Well, first you need an attorney. No need to even tell him you're meeting with one until after your appt. She will shed A LOT of light on what's to come for you.

Many will offer a free consult, or their consult fee will go towards a retainer if you decide to hire them. Do this WHILE you have joint accounts. Ironically, even a divorce attorney is a 'marital' expense.

Even if the two of you are agreeable, I would not go to mediation.

Remember, the house belongs to the KIDS.

Good luck to you, wish you the best. Fair warning, if you think he's a sucky husband in marriage, it's likely he'll be even SUCKIER in divorce, sorry.

:(

Research custody laws in your state and if you can afford an attorney, find one to give you advice. I too would recommend mediation as a good alternative to litigation as litigation can be very ugly and it always expensive and mediation can save a lot of time, money and heartache.

Every state has different laws regarding how divorce and custody proceed. Many, many, many states now presume that joint custody will be the default unless there is a clear reason for one parent to have primary custody and the other to have visitation. Shared custody generally = no child support. Most guys wise up to that pretty quickly and pursue joint physical custody (not saying that it's wrong or that they're motivated by money, but when it's basically handed to them, many men will choose more time with their children and less $$ to the mother and really, who could argue with that?).

Know that it's a long, long road. I have several friends who thought that once they (or their spouses) "announced" their intent to divorce that they would just file a bunch of papers, agree on things and be done with it. For the divorces I've been close to, it takes many months (6 or more) to even get to court for a separation agreement and temporary orders to be put into place and then another year or more for things to be finalized. So brace yourself (and pace yourself) for this to be a long process.

I would sugest opening your own account and if you can get rid of the credit cards do so. You want to get what ever money you want out of your joint account before you do it or he might drain it as soon as he finds out. Before custidy is settled he can not stop you from moving where you want. It is very nice you are willing to try to stay close to him but you need to decide if you need your familys support taking care of them. If you have a place to go before you tell him would be best. That way you are not stuck. It will be best to tell him when the kids are out of the house. Even though he's not phisical you don't want him to say somethign that could upset the kids. And that way he can't just take off with them either.

Good Luck and God Bless!

I depends on D. My ex and I didn't use lawyers at all. We were able to work it all out and agreed to everything. Its not like it isn't possible. But for your parenting plan, be VERY specific. Like "Father will have child the first and third weekend of every month starting at 3pm when there is no school (at the end of school) on Friday until 6pm Sunday". Or ideally, take her to school himself on Monday morning. You may think you are getting along now, but in the future, you may want to see him as little as possible. Also, add that in the event you cannot agree on something that YOU will have final say in all medical, educational and recreational decisions. (if he argues, tell him you doubt it will happen, but it should be you since she will be with you most of the time, or whatever). Also, when you break down the holidays, add the dates and TIMES too, so it's in black and white. And say "recieving parent to pick up child at other parents residence" (or agreed on location). this is important so you don't fight about who is driving more. Also add in there something like, parent is allowed one 10 min call to child each day the child is with other parent. We went thru crazy things with my hubbies ex and these are some of the things we ran into that is now in his parenting plan. Just remember, once its filed and accepted its VERY difficult to change it unless something MAJOR happened to justify the change. Good luck.

My advice would be to consult an attorney and get the basics covered.........not to be malicious or conniving but just to know your rights and basic info that is good to have like a list of all assets and liabilities......not sure what your husband's personality is like but I always feel that 3 people outside family play a key role in a divorce - good attorney, cousellor and realtor.

Talk to an attorney. If you and your husband haven't had "the talk" yet, then I would speak to an attorney first and find out what your options are.

I think setting up your own account would be a good idea and also looking at areas that you would like to live with your kids would be prudent as well. I'm a planner so I like to have all my ducks in a row. Does he have any idea at how unhappy you are?

I will keep you in my thoughts. This is a very scary time for you and know that you have people here who care. Good luck!

Sounds to me like you have it all figured out logically in your head. The problem with this is that divorce is an ugly business and it tends to bring out the worse in most. You are assuming he won't fight you for custody of the children. Which he very well may do. You are assuming the judge will require you both to sell the house which may not be the case. You could find yourself paying child support and alimony to your ex and visiting the girls on the weekends and alternating holidays.

With all of that said, get yourself an attorney and find out how you should proceed forward. Yes you should have a separate account as soon as possible if you intend on going down the road toward divorce. Different states require the couple to try to work things out before the divorce can even begin. Some states require one of the spouses to not be physically living in the home for at least 1 year prior to beginning the divorce proceedings. I'm not certain what is the case in your state which is why you really need an experienced and savvy attorney.

Before you go through the entire divorce process I would recommend you spend 30 days working through a book called Love Dare and watch the movie Fireproof. What do you have to loose? It could change things for you or not but I believe it will help.

My friend just went through a divorce. Her husband left her (surprise! He was living with his intern shortly after they separated). He's an involved dad and said he would be fair about money and not leave her high and dry. Well, as soon as they started the divorce process he got all weird about the money and wasn't fair like he had promised (making house payments, etc, till the divorce was final). My husband and I were having a rough patch a year and a half ago (we are extremely committed to the marriage, so we thankfully worked it out. Divorce was not an option -- as much as I completely disliked him during that period and emotionally wanted out, logically I knew he is a good guy and I wasn't going to run from this relationship and miraculously find someone better. His mom has been divorced 5 times, and when we had our big talk about the crappy state of our marriage and what we were going to do about it he said, "Marriage might be hard, but I promise you from my experience watching my mom and going through it as a kid, divorce is 10 times harder.") anyways when we were going through our rough patch my recently divorced friend said to get a separate account or some sort of spot to hide money and start saving up in preparation if I thought there was any chance we'd split. So, I would definitely disentangle myself financially first if I were you, and start a stash of money. Now, be fair. I'm not encouraging you to go empty your joint savings account and screw him over, just like you wouldn't want him to do with you.

That all being said, my mom recently gave a speech on marriage in her public speaking class that I would like to share here. I hesitate to share it since I don't want to sound too preachy or offend you. But I would fill remiss if I didn't offer this alternative point of view. Take from it what you will and know my intentions are to help :) And I assure you, my parents had their fair share of struggles and ups and downs along the way.

A Committed and Loving Marriage, by Francie Harris

A few weeks ago, I happened to see Dr. Curtis’s wife at Walmart. We visited for a little while and in the course of our conversation we started talking about marriage. She told me that she didn’t realize what true happiness was until after she got married…and then it was too late! Actually, Dr. Curtis and his wife have been happily married for over 26 years, and I’m going to guess that like most married couples, they have experienced their share of challenges along the way. But I’m certain if you asked them they would both tell you that they are glad they made the decision to get married and to stay married. My husband and I have been married for 36 years, and I can tell you from personal experience that great happiness and fulfillment in life can be found through a committed and loving marriage. I am convinced that the most important thing that a married couple can do to achieve this happiness is to be totally committed to their marriage.
One of my favorite songs is entitled “A Long Line of Love.” Written by Paul Overstreet, this song tells the story of a young couple who have decided to get married. When the girl expresses her concern about whether or not their marriage will endure, the young man responds:

“I come from a long line of love.
When the times get hard, we don’t give up.
Forever’s in my heart and in my blood;
You see, I come from a long line of love.”

I appreciate the message in this song because after 36 years of marriage I understand what it means not to give up when the times get hard—to stay committed through all the ups and downs that are inevitable in marriage. Unfortunately, there are many people in our society today who have chosen to give up on marriage—to either just live together without making marriage vows at all or to sever those vows if they become difficult to keep.
According to the Rutgers National Marriage Project more than half of all first-time marriages in the United States end in divorce, and the divorce rate for remarriages is even higher. The statistics for cohabitation are worse, with eight out of ten couples who cohabitate eventually choosing to break up.
In the book, “The Case for Marriage,” family sociologist Linda J. Waite and journalist Maggie Gallagher share research indicating that married people live longer, have better health, earn more money, accumulate more wealth, feel more fulfillment in their lives, enjoy more satisfying sexual relationships, and have happier and more successful children than those who remain single, cohabitate, or get divorced. Best-selling author and marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis claims that depression is almost three times as prevalent in women who have been divorced than in women who haven’t.
I realize that there are situations when divorce is a necessary solution. Certainly when one of the spouses or the children are being abused, then divorce is completely justified. Unfortunately, there are many people who feel that divorce is also justified when they are no longer attracted to each other, or they experience difficulties, or they’re unhappy in the marriage. There have been times in my own marriage when I have been miserable. There have been times when my husband and I could barely stand each other. But, as renowned author and speaker Gary Smalley states, “Love is a decision—not a feeling.” As humans we have the capacity to choose our thoughts and our behavior. We can choose to stay committed even when we feel like giving up.
For those who are struggling in their marriages, there are many helpful resources available. Additionally, the likelihood of an unhappy marriage improving dramatically all on its own is actually quite high. In research shared by the above-mentioned Waite and Gallagher, 86 percent of a group of unhappily married couples who chose to stay married, reported that five years later their marriages were either “very happy” or “quite happy.”
In her book, “Debt-Proof Your Marriage,” author Mary Hunt describes five stages that most couples experience in marriage. She calls Stage One “Magnetic Attraction,” when the couple is totally infatuated and in love. Stage Two is called “Reality’s Rude Awakening.” During this stage there are times of doubt, confusion, and frustration as the couple tries to adjust to the differences that manifest themselves after the honeymoon is over. Stage Three is titled “I Love You; Now Change!” Blame, hurt, and resentment move in where care and respect once resided. Some couples respond to all of the difficulties of Stage Three by simply giving up and calling it quits. Those who choose to remain married eventually reach Stage Four, which is called “Surrender and Acceptance.” Spouses in this stage come to accept the fact that they’ll probably never see eye to eye on many things, but there is a deep sense that despite their differences, they need each other. This acceptance creates a climate where compassion and understanding can emerge. This can then lead to the fifth and final stage called “Peace, Harmony, and Romantic Love.” Couples who make it to Stage Five often report that the romantic love of Stage One reappears, but with a stronger sense of caring due to the effect of time, commitment, and shared experiences.
I am happy to report that after 36 years of marriage, my husband and I have reached Stage Five, and it is a wonderful place to be. To those of you who are living with someone, but who have chosen not to make the full commitment that comes with marriage, I encourage you to make that commitment and then honor it with complete fidelity. To those of you who are married or who eventually decide to get married please don’t give up when you experience challenges and disappointments. Hang in there and keep trying. Make sure that, “When the times get hard, [you] don’t give up.” From personal experience, I assure you that as you choose to remain faithfully and lovingly committed in your marriage, you can experience great joy and fulfillment.

Handle financial issues first. The advice you have been given ehre for that is pretty good. It does depend on state and you should know what your state does and does not offer. I thought I had been quite areful seprating our debts when I left my ex, but he ran up all joint credit cards and bought a car then refused to pay for any of it. You are responsible for joint debt regardless, unless you get a legal separation of assets announcement. I thought he was going to be reasonable too..... Just hope for the best but plan for the worst.

You should walk around your house and make a list of EVERY item-no matter how small.

Then move on to the kids. Write out exactly what you want and what you think is in the kids' best interest. Be sure to include the schedule for birthdays (theirs and yours) and holidays and exact pick-up and drop-off times and who will be responsible for transportation each way.

As far as your bank account, if your state is a community property state, then each of you is entitled to exactly 1/2 of any joint accounts. You can go to the bank and withdraw your half and open your own account. Close any open joint credit card accounts and apply for cards in your own name (if you want any). You will each be responsible for paying 1/2 of the debt owed on the cards. However, be aware that even if your divorce decree says each pays half, if one doesn't pay, the creditor can come after the other for the debt - it is a joint debt and legally you are both responsible to the creditor and the creditor does not have to abide by your divorce decree. Once you've done all that, you can start looking for a place to live.

If you and D can sit down and agree on things that would be great! Good luck and I am very sorry that this is happening to you.

Once that's done, then move on to custody/visitation.

Marriage counseling - go alone.

I apologize for not giving "divorce" advice - it seems good ideas and some good tricks are already being covered.

I just saw your previous questions about your husband. Even if he doesn't go - you need to talk to a marriage counselor who will be able to understand the entirety of what's going on in your lives, and maybe give a few suggestions before calling it a wrap.

But mine, like everyone else's, is just an opinion based on so many paragraphs. It's not a really good forum to disect major life decisions.

In hindsight I would do things completely different. When I divorced, I got primary custody and the dad got visitation. I felt overwhelmed with all of the responsibility of parenting while he just enjoyed her company on his weekends worry free. Heaven forbid, I had to go through that again, I would gladly pay him child support so that he could deal with the daily grind while I just focused on having fun with them. He got a free ride in my opinion and at the end of the day, my child didn't appreciate all that I had sacrificed for her. My current husband is very responsible and a great father. He doesn't do things the way I do but he could handle it. I would think twice about taking on all of the responsibility just to have the control of the kids. My first husband was an alcoholic and completely irresponsible so it worked the only way it could have but my gosh. Those were some freakin tough times going it alone.
My advice is that the grass isn't greener. Divorce sucks big time. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't even consider it a real option for me. I don't know how old your children are but if it is at all possible to make due until they go to college. The kids are always the ones to pay the highest price.

I suggest that if a couple can amicably work out a divorce that includes children and assets without an attorney, they could also work out a marriage. Divorces are stressful and tend to bring out the worst in us.
There are many really big decisions that require details to be worked out. And there are nuances, such as retirement funds, that are not common knowledge.

If you think you can work this out without an attorney, I suggest you put that energy into working out your relationship first. Not necessarily to stay together but to find ways to get along, to accept each other as they are, and to share responsibilities.

And if you do decide to divorce consult with an attorney first. You don't have to hire them but you can get ideas for all that a divorce involves.