Getting 4 Yr Old to Pick up Toys

WE use a toy mat (like mant Montisorri preschool use). I use the rug squares you can get cheap at the store. If hte girls want to play with a toy, they have to get out their "play mat" and play with that toy on hte mat. The toy must go away before another comes out. That way they are only focusing on playing with and cleaning up one toy at a time. if one girl has a toy on her mat, it is hers to play with unless she "invites" her sister to share, then they usually put their mats together.
It means you need to work with him and monitor it until he understands the rules, but we have found that it is worth working with at first, because now the girls do it without direction and fights. We even have extra mats for when friends come over.
Good luck,
K.

Well I am not saying this will work, but you can try. There is a song called "clean up" and it works real well with my 1 1/2 year old. As soon as i start to sing clean up clean up everybody clean up, he starts putting things away, or bringing them to me to put in the "right place"!!

Also, praise him for being a good helper.

You should not have to give him rewards for doing the right thing, but make it seem like it is a part of his routine.

Hope it helps a little, good luck.

I am also the mom of a strong willed four year old son. I've found that when I get worked up it feeds his fire. Something that works for us is to give the toys a time out. Even if it's a room full! I give him a few minutes to clean up and if he doesn't then the toys start going into the bag or box. If there are alot, use a trash bag. Those toys are removed for 2 days time. No exceptions. I don't yell or threaten, and when he asks for them I just remind him that since he didn't put them away they are gone until their time is up. He may yell and pull on you or the bag when you are doing it, but just calmly say "I asked you to do this and since you can't I'll have to." The hope is that after missing beloved toys a few times he'll start to heed the warning. Also, anything thrown at our house is an immediate toy time out. No words spoken from me. I retrieve it and away it goes. If none of that works you may want to limit the number of toys he has access to for awhile. Give him 5 toys this week, rotate for the next. When he can get those put away you can gradually increase the number he is allowed. Hope this helps. I know that sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind dealing with the will of my little guy, but we'll both get through! Good luck!

Try rationing his toys. Put all of the toys in a place where he can not get at them and tell him that since you can't trust him to put them away when he's done, he's only going to get two toys at a time from now on and he will have to turn in a toy to be put away if he wants a different one to play with. Continue this until he's really wrapped his mind around the concept and is regularly bringing his toys back, then increase the limit to four toys and so on until he's able to play with all of his toys and used to putting them away when he's done. Also, once you get into the double digits with the toys he's allowed, you add a new rule that they must all be put away at the end of the day or his limit will go back to two.

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I just read your "so what happened?" post and I just wanted to say that I hope you followed through with your threat to give the toys away. That is the only way he's going to learn. I have a policy in my house where my husband and I aren't allowed to use any threat we aren't willing and able to follow through on. If you don't, it shows your children that you're not serious and you can be manipulated. This also gives them a contempt for authority figures that will cause them grief later in life.

YOu mentioned every way you have tried to get him to pick up his toys EXCEPT the best way: YOU, you show him by example. You pick up the toys w/ him. For every toy you pick up he picks up one. ANd you take it to its place together. Teamwork. Also if you break it down by object its way less overwhelming. Even if you have to pile a few like things into individual areas so he gets the idea. I scoot all the books to one area and say pick up books. Then the animals, the shoes, the blocks....
Eventually they will get it. And of course praise and encouragement.

don't let him get them all out at once! it's probably overwhelming for him to choose what to put away. one toy in, one toy out is our rule.

Yes - I have to attest to taking the toys away does work! If he doesn't want to be a big boy and clean them up, then he doesn't deserve them....give him a warning and then if any are left out, which may be all of them, take them away and put them in the garage - he will think they are gone forever...maybe leave them gone for a month and when he gets them back he will have all 'new' toys to play with and be so excited...the 'earning' a toy back may work as well. Just be firm and not too emotional, they like to see you worked up...that means they are affecting you and they may get their way. Be persistent - that's all you can do with kids that age. Sounds like you have your hands full and by yourself, so I think you're doing an excellent job and it's definitely normal to go crazy at times! I have been there.....

I don't have any suggestions. I think you are doing all the right things. I just wanted to let you know that my three-year-old son also refuses to clean up his toys at home, yet his pre-school teacher says he is very good about helping clean up at school. So I wouldn't worry too much about how your son will fare in school. My son is like a different person at school and at home - very very stubborn with me and very well-behaved at school.

Hey H.,
I am in the processes of reading a great book. How to have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Lehman. One tidbit I have already started using is the "before B happens you have to do A." My children (girls 8,6 and 2) loathe cleaning up. Getting them to do any chores without whining is difficult. This has helped tremendously. Last night my two year old pulled out all her blocks and also the Little People set with cars. We were getting ready to do something - I think sit down for dinner - and I asked her to clean up. No response. When I said "you have to clean up your blocks before you eat your dinner" she cleaned them up completely without help and was very proud of herself. I said to her "I appreciate you helping around the house by cleaning up your toys. You did it all by yourself". She jumped up and down, high five, etc., etc.

The many suggesstions about only a few toys out at a time are great too. My children are overwhelmed by a big mess and I do have to direct their clean up giving them certain tasks to complete. Of course it would help not to have the disaster to have to clean up but sometimes a big mess happens. :-)

My prediction is that he will do fine at school cleaning up. Kids usually do better for teachers. My two-year old's preschool teacher praises her all the time for cleaning up on her own and putting things away! Who knew!!

Most children do not behave the same way at home as they would at school, so try not to worry too much about making sure he's doing this for his teacher. You'll be surprised (and probably angry) at how cooperative he'll be for his teacher. Meanwhile, he needs to do it for himself as a member of the family. So, all toys need to be boxed and put away until he learns that he has to clean up behind himself. Each time he whines, he loses access to all toys. That's the home rule.

Hi, H. -- Rationing the toys or having them "go away" on a toy time out if he doesn't help put them away are all great ideas.

Here's something else that also worked with my child and still works, today, with bigger tasks I give her: Be very specific.

Telling a four-year-old "clean up your room" or "pick up your toys" overwhelms him -- he sees it as a mountain of work he can never finish and starts to whine. Instead, if you aren't already, give him specific tasks with a clear finishing point: "Please put your Elmo and your ball in the red toy box." Then: "You did it! Good job! Now, put the paint set in the art box." Et cetera. He needs to succeed at smaller tasks because he sees the world in smaller pieces than an adult does. And it doesn't hurt, I think, to say, "You put Elmo and the ball in the red toy box. I will help and put the paint set in the art box. Can you finish before me?" It's OK to help a young child somewhat with his "own" tasks; you're not doing it ALL for him, but modeling for him that helping out others is good -- and it does pay off later when they willingly think to help you out elsewhere. The same applies as they get older; I am specific with tasks when I ask my eight-year-old to help around the house because "help me clean up the living room" would stymie her -- she doesn't know where to begin -- but "Please take all your books off the couch to your room, then get out the sweeper and sweep" sounds much more achievable to her. Hope it helps.

I agree with all the other posts. The other thought that came to mind is that, depending on how quickly the toys are being spread around, you might want to set a timer for every 30 minutes/1 hour/whatever, and when the timer goes off, he stops and puts away what he's done with at that point. That will at least help to slow down the volume of stuff that ends up on the floor at one time, which may also make clean-up easier!

Hello,
Just a quick added response. My 3 and 2 yr old have the same problems. I dont have any more room for organizational stuff or to take toys away. So instead I found that giving them a choice is a good thing. I tell them, pick up the toys before we can sit down to dinner. or pick up the toys before you get to take a bath. Things they love to do they usually are bit faster in picking up for and with less whine. Also, sometimes no matter, my 2 yr old daughter just puts out her attitude and doesn't want to pick up anything. So I have to have consistency and let her sit there until she does it. It may take a couple of times but she is getting much better. Good luck with it all.

H.,

I agree with the other posts. Rationing toys is a really good idea and it works. My kids have gained toys so I have to find new ways to ration them, but my daughter has this same issue about putting her toys away. Although she's autistic, I make it fun when picking up the lego blocks. I ask her to pick up certain colors and she hangs them on her fingers and when her hand is full, she puts it in the bag. My son is only two and loves to help. He likes to tell his toys "Night Night, Love you". It is so cute to watch. Sometimes this doesn't always work, but he persistent in whatever method you choose. That is the key to helping them and eventually (hopefully before they go to college, lol) they'll learn to pick up after themselves and clean up whatever messes they make.

H.,
I have to agree with Dyreka (sp)? Ration the toys. If he puts one away he gets another. This way you don't have a colossal mess at the end of play time. We started with my daughter and cleaning up EARLY... like 10 mos when she started walking. We sang the "clean up song" and I used the words "put (whatever) in" which was a new "fav" game at the time, so it worked perfectly. It is SO ingrained in her now, I don't even have to tell her. She just starts putting things away. If she doesn't or if she throws something, I stop her immediately and make her do it right then and there so she is aware of the fact that SHE caused the mess verses it just being messy. Another thing that we do for bath toys for example is sing a song I made up:

"Bye Bye crayons, bye bye crayons, bye bye crayons. We're going in the cup" (or wherever you store those toys). We say goodbye to all of her favorites so she realizes they need to go away. Even for the Water; at the end of the song for the water we say "bye bye water you're going down the drain" She LOVES it and sings along!

Good luck!
D.

First of all, make sure you have an easy way for him to clean up, such as big baskets, bins, etc. DOn't make it too complicated where everything has a specific place. We have a bookshelf with bins and everything can pretty much be dropped into a basket.

With our 4 year old, if he refuses to clean up (like when he gets tired, etc.), we tell him if WE (parents) have to clean them up, we're putting them in the attic for a month. We tell him not taking care of his toys by not cleaning them up tells us he doesn't really want them and we should put them away until he does. This REALLY works, b/c it only took losing his favorite toy once to know we meant business. Now he'll do it, even if it's reluctantly! He's old enough to get the concept even though he doesn't like it!

Years ago there was a series of children's books called "The Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle Books". Each chapter involved some "cure" that Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle offered to parents whose children had some problem behavior or other. A few of the cures involved magic (these were books for children, after all) but most of them were just plain common sense, with the children having to face the consequences of their actions. The "Not-Picking-Up-Their-Toys" Cure was simply that the child was told that any toys left out after a certain time would be taken away--and they were! Stored in a locked cabinet or somewhere else inaccessible to the child. There were a few unhappy days, but when the child did pick up all his toys he earned one of the lost toys back each day.

For my kids, I have a salvation army bag that sits in the room everytime they are supposed to clean up their toys etc. I tell them that if they haven't picked up all of their things within the time limit that I set, then there are other kids who are less fortunate and will take care of their things, so I will give the left out toys to them. It works everytime especially since they see me taking old clothes etc. to salvation army on a regular basis.

Another idea is for your son to play with one thing, then practice putting it away before getting out another toy. This is what we do in preschool. We work with the children on playing, cleaning then playing again.

I am much "meaner" at home than at the school where I work :o) Good Luck!!

It often helps my 3 year old when I tell him specific tasks to do. I say things like "start with picking up all your cars and putting them in the car bucket". Once he's finished that task then I give him another. I think he gets overwhelmed looking at the total mess and doesn't know how to begin.

Also, consider purchasing a toy bin organizer or a system of plastic drawers. Then designate a specific bin for space toys, one for cars, one for sea creatures etc. It helps if they know where things are supposed to go specifically and helps them play on their own more because they can always find what there looking for.

Third, have him pick up several times a day so he doesn't have one huge mess. We do a quick pick up before lunch and before dinner, then there are no distractions between lunch and naptime and dinner/bathtime, bed time.

And lastly, teach him to pick up as he plays, we have a one bucket out rule. He can play with his drawer of Mr. Potato Head but if he wants to play spaceships we have to pick up all the potato pieces first.

Hope this is helpful! Good Luck

H.,
One thing I have used with my 4 older children is taking toys away when they will not pick up, I put them in a bag in the garage and they are on vacation and they can earn them back one at a time slowly for positive behavior. My boys hate to pick up toys and I will take their favorite cars or fire helmets away and when they want them back they have to do something to earn them back whether it is picking up the other toys, putting their shoes away, whenever needs to be done. This seems to work most of the time. I have also gone as far as throwing toys away because they will not pick them up. I hate to do this because toys can be pricey as I am sure you know. I have also donated toys to good will because the kids would not pick them up over and pver again. Good luck, I know it is frustrating!

Many people have talked about the toy time out. In our house it is called the Saturday box. If at the end of the evening before bed the toys are not put away (these are toys in common areas) they get put in the Saturday box. On Saturday morning they can have back whatever is in the box. My oldest (6) got it right away but the 3 year old lost his trains quite frequently before he began to readily pick them up.

Firm but friendly.

Allowing him only a few toys out at at time (or just one) is a great idea. Even though he is very good at taking everything out, the task of cleaning all that up can seem like a huge mountain (like it does for you). Think of when you need to clean your entire house! It's really hard to consider the grandiosity of that task versus "Oh I need to vaccuum first". If he does make a big mess, help him by giving him little tasks to clean first. "OK, let's get all of the trucks and put them in the bin." This will make things less overwhelming and more attainable to the little "I can't!!!" boy.

My kids are teens now and I cannot encourage you enough to stick with it, while your son is still little, to build good habits early. I know it's hard but it will pay off later.

Also, if your son is telling you "it's too hard" I suggest that you believe him. The reason he can easily get the toys out becauae he is focusing on one item at at time. Even if he dumps all the toys out all at once, he is still going to pick up and focus on one item at a time to play with. But when he has to clean up, he is looking at the entire pile that has to be put away. Even if you say to just put them away, one item at a time, he may still be looking at the whole thing and feeling overwhelmed (like I do, when I have to straighten up my house!)

One thing you can try is to make a pick-up game out of it. This will require you to be around while he is cleaning up, which is not always convenient for a busy mom, but may be worth trying. First, tell him it's a game that will be fun and get him prizes, and will also give him a clean room at the end. Make it sound like it will be fun. Depending on what kind of items need to be put away, ask him to hunt for one catagory of toys. For example, hunt only for books or only for blocks or for small metal cars. If there are a lot of one thing, like legos or blocks, tell you to hunt only for the red ones or only for the square ones. After all those kind are found and put in the toy box, he gets a treat (described below). Then move to the next type of item, like animals, or animals with fur, or plastic animals. If there are a lot of things, but no clear catagories, you can ask him to hunt for a particular color or a size (find everything that can fit in your shoe).

Each time he hunts down and puts away a catagory, he gets a tiny treat from you -- a slice of a fruit he really likes (and don't let him have it during the day, only at clean up time. Avoid candy, if you can), or give him a hug or do a silly dance together with him standing on your feet. Tell him if he hunts down the items super fast, he gets 2 tiny treats when that category is put away. Then move onto the next catagory and reapeat until the room is picked up.

Of course it is far, far easier for you to just pick the stuff up yourself. Don't do it! Make it a very fun game and keep it up daily for at least 3 weeks. (It takes 21 days to form a habit). After that, tell him that big boys get stars on a calendar for doing a good job and give him one each time he cleans up. Tell him that after he gets X number of stars, he can get a bigger treat of some kind (something reasonable, not expensive or unhealthy). It will take a lot of effort on your part, and it will be SO worth it later on.

You can get other ideas from books at the library on changing child behavor. There at lots of technigues out there to choose from. One thing I can tell you beyond a doubt: positive reinforcement works 1000 times better than punishment. (just like with adults!)

Good luck.

H.,
My suggestions would be to clean up with your son and to ask him to pick up specific toys while you help him clean up and make cleaning up more like a game rather than a chore. We do this with our 2 year old and it works like a charm. We end up picking up more of the toys than she does, but at least she helps and never balks at helping. We sing a song, "Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere, clean up, clean up. Everybody do your share." That helps to. We ask her to pick up specific toys (i.e., can you help Mommy pick up the yellow blocks? Can you put your camera in the blue bin?) If you just ask your son to pick up he may see the whole thing as too overwhelming, but if you ask him to pick up a certain thing, he'll probably jump right in and help. Also, I think that since we do it together it makes it more of a game than a chore.

Best of luck!

We tell our son that if he can take them out and play with them, then he can put them away. If he says he can't, then he still has to put them away, and after this time we just won't let him play with them anymore. We'll take them and give them to a child who will put them away or put them in storage. The trick with this is that you have to mean it. He lost about 20 toys one night, some of them ones that he really played with often. That was all it took. But, if you don't do it, or the child knows you won't, it will never work because the incentive is gone.

I think the biggest thing is to only let him have one toy at a time-that's how they roll in school, so that is a great way to prepare him now. My 2 kids know that rule (finally-it took years of reminding and an occasional refresher!), so at the end of the day they should each only have 1 toy/game/puzzle/whatever to clean up.

And if that 1 toy/game/etc is still on the floor at dinnertime, with no cleanup, it goes in a bag or box in our closet for at least a week (or longer depending on reaction). We've only actually had to do that once.

I think the one toy at a time should be your biggest lifesaver though. Good luck!

try telling him, "any toy i have to pick up goes in time out for a week." if he can't play with the toys then he will learn that to keep them, he has to put them away.

sounds tough but i think it would work. good luck. be calm and consistent. he'll eventually get it.