My husband and I have one daughter, who is 19...almost 20. We are a very close unified family. She and I had always been very close as mother and daughter. It was very difficult for me to have children, so when I finally had her, I savored every moment with her. There weren't many days that went by that we were away from each other. At one point in our lives, I was beginning to think she would never detach herself from me. Finally, at 15, I could tell she was slowly becoming her own person, which made me feel more at ease. All throughout her life, I had a hard time telling her 'NO.' She was a wonderful little girl, who hardly gave us any problems at all, so I felt she deserved what she asked for. Well...now that she's 19, I still have a hard time disciplining her and sticking to it. Yes...I know...I'm an enabler. We do talk, but end up arguing. She still tells her dad and I that she loves us everyday. Because I can't tell her no, I know I appear weak in her eyes. She has little respect for me. I know I caused this and realize there are no do-overs, so is there anyway I can gain respect from her now at this stage in her life? I'm ready to stand up to her and put my foot down, but I fear it's too late. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Here's what happened...she just finished her first year of college. Even though it is hard to find a job these days, her dad and I feel she hasn't put much effort into looking for one. She did fill out a few applications, but has yet to really go out and get a job. When asked to pick up her clothes in her room, she says she'll get to it, but never does. She hardly ever does anything around the house unless she wants money. Then she'll do the work offered to earn her money. Most of the time, she just hangs out with her friends at our home or theirs. She wants to be treated like an adult, but she certainly isn't acting like one. She is going off to college in September, but her dad and I feel she could at least work for a month or more until that time comes. Nice isn't getting it and I'm about at my wits end. How do you handle a 19 year old who always seems to have an excuse for not doing what she is expected to do?
It's never too late until you stop breathing:) I don't have an older child yet, but the best thing my Mom did for me -- "do it myself, or don't do it at all." If I wanted money, I had to work. If I made a mistake, I had to learn and pay. Mistakes are just lessons in disguise. You and she will not grow together if you don't make mistakes and learn from them:)
Good luck Mom!
I obviously don't know all about your family situation, but based on the average family, it seems a little odd to be disciplining an almost 20 year old at all. If she is finished with high school, it seems she should be ready to start her own life in her own place. When I was in college and home to visit or home for the summer, my parents expected me to be respectful and to do my share of the household work, but other than that, my parents didn't set rules for me to obey at the age.
It probably would have been easier to answer your post if you gave some examples.
My daughter just turned 20. And although I always demanded respect from her we are over that stage in our lives. We are in the next stage which is I am more of a friend to her. She lives away at school so she is living her own life now.
Recently she thought I had access to her email, facebook etc & asked why I was checking up on her. My response was that "I don't need to check up on you because I am done raising you. I know that I have taught you how to be a good person with high morals. And I hope you do well & try to make good choices but know that the choices you make are yours & you must own up to them." That was my way of letting her know that I let go of those reigns. And she knows she can come to me about anything.
I do try to help my daughter but I don't shower her with gifts & I can & have said no many times. I believe you can do the same. If she doesn't deserve something or she is "abusing" something then you take it away. An example is if you pay for her cell phone & she goes over her allowed minutes, you give her a warning & if it happens again take it away. Another example is if you are providing her with a car & she isn't taking care of it properly or one of my rules was that no one was allowed to drive the car unless is was absolutely necessary, so if one of those rules was broken you would take away the vehicle.
It's as simple as that or at least I don't find it difficult to take away what I provided if she doesn't respect my rules. So now my dghtr is becoming self sufficient so that I can't take away things but now she kind of likes having her own stuff that she worked hard for.
Is your dghtr living with you? Are you providing everything for her or is she somewhat self sufficient? Does she work? Is she a student?
It's important for kids this age to feel some self worth by providing somewhat for themselves, but realize they are scared and will resist initially. Hope this helps.
I don't want to judge anyone but I also have a daughter who is almost 20. My daughter is in college and has worked hard for everything she has gotten. She is without a job right now and it is so hard for her to ask me for money. She knows how rough life can be. We never have had an easy life and she appreciates everything she gets. I would say that it is time for tough love. Make her realize that money does not grow on trees. She needs to work for everything she has. I tell my kids that when they are 18 they can either pay rent or get out. They can go to college but they still need to pay their cell phone, insurance, car payment, etc... A big part of respecting others is learning how to respect ourselves. At 19, a child is not really a child.
It is hard to set boundaries when an older teen decides not to cooperate. A couple of ideas, have a family meeting when all are happy, set a time for it.
say something like, we'll split the family household chores 3-ways, and divide them up. Rotate dinner and kitchen so that she is responsible for cooking and cleaning the kitchen every 3rd day, bathroom, laundery etc. and on YOUR day for chores, if her stuff is in the way, dump it in her room and say "there, I feel better".
Another is to talk with a family counselor (all of you) to talk about how to best establish or grown into having your daughter as an adult friend. The counselor can give your daughter suggestions about how to act more like an adult.
In time, your daughter will grow up, give her 3 or 4 more years, but expect her to do her part of the housework. On days of her cooking, if there isn't any food, grab your purse & husband and go to dinner alone "on a date" and don't invite her to go. If the bathroom is messy, put the dirty towel in her room, and say, "I see it was your day for the bathrooms, here's one you forgot" etc. She'll get the message. Treat her like a roommate. Good luck!
Well, you're in a different situation than when your daughter was a little girl. She is legally an adult now and legally makes her own decisions. From now on, if she comes to you, it's for advice, not rules. (Unless she still lives in your home - then you're also a landlord and you have to set rules.)
I don't know if your daughter is making the right decisions. If she isn't, that's one problem (hers - and *she* is responsible for all her decisions). Your being unable to be a leader in your family has been another problem (yours). Now you have to tackle not so much what your daughter thinks of you as what you think of yourself. In a way, you can't put your foot down about whatever you need to put your foot down about until your spine is strong enough to make your foot move! But I wonder if this is something you can do by yourself. I tend to think that wise counseling can be a good thing, and if you can find some, you may learn some things about yourself that you will be glad to know.
I have found, sometimes by sad experience, that what children of any age say they want isn't always what they really want. A junior high child, for instance, may say, "I just wish my parents would leave me alone!" when they mean, "Now matter how interesting the world is, I just wish my parents would love me and protect me because I'm pretty afraid of growing up and having to be responsible." Not that they'd ever, ever say THAT out loud! I remember a friend of my daughter's who was about to quit high school just before graduation. She was intelligent and in many ways mature, but she was simply afraid to think of herself as more than a kid. (She stayed in school and came out all right.) Sometimes adult children make decisions they know their parents won't approve of - and go to the same parents seeking approval! What's wrong with that picture? Could they be really saying, "I am not quite confident of myself - can you think of a way to help me out and guide me in the right direction?" (Not that they'll ever, ever say THAT out loud, either.)
Hope this helps a little.
(P.S. Just read your "so what happened" post. I understand your situation a little better. You need not only to do what I suggested above, but also to treat your daughter as the adult she is. At this point, that's LOVE! Adults who share a house share the work responsibilities. If she, as an adult, doesn't want to do her part of the work, she has two choices: 1) she can hire someone else to do it for her, or 2) she can find another place to live. Is she going to be paying part of her own college expenses? Perhaps she needs to do a bit of that, at least.
But her dad is going to have to deal with her in these matters, since right now you can't. Your job may be standing aside, letting him do it, *not* "protecting" your daughter, and - when she complains - saying, "What your dad says goes. He is right." Expect some dissension. It doesn't make you a bad mother if your daughter gets mad at what you do. You have more experience at being a grown-up than she has, and it's your house. Separate your problems from her problems.
When I was a young adult (long, LONG ago) my parents did a lot for me. And I didn't mind a bit. My dad had many struggles putting himself through school and was determined to provide for his family - including his children's educations. So I never had to do any supporting of myself, and I never had to get a job except for the experience (and I was allowed to keep all the money). Even after I graduated and was living on my own for a year he still sent me a moderate allowance to supplement my entry-level salary! I understand where my father was coming from and appreciate it, but I think I would have been better off learning more real responsibility, and learning how to handle money as an adult must handle it. I would have known they loved me just as much. No parents do things perfectly - they just have to try to do the best they know how.)
We have an only child, 15 yrd old girl. Yes, she wants for nothing but respect is there as well as boundaries. I'm already dreading her flying from the nest but I have done my best and I know she will succeed.
Respect is earned.
We started a LONG time ago with communication and keeping those lines wide open for her to come to us with anything. She knows, no matter what, we have her back but if she is in the wrong she will suffer consequences.
It is hard to say no and I go through it all the time........last week she needed new Clinique and I said I'd get it as long as she goes with me (she's learning to drive..WHOLE new story)..... We got to Sephora and Oh my she needed a new makeup brush and mascara. Well.I had agreed to the Clinique only. Most times, I would give in but we are at a stage (for her to learn $$ does not fall from trees...it's actually earned) that I said to her..........No. Boy was she po'd at me but not for long.
After she got her allowance for the weekend and went shopping with friends, she did not come home with a new brush or mascara, LOL. It was her money so she spent on what she felt was her priority.
I suppose when that brush and mascara is truly needed, she'll use her allowance. You have to stand up or they will take take take......
Good luck
There are several strands to your request, related, but not really clear. I wonder just what you mean by respect. What does her "disrespect" look/feel like? What do you mean by disciplining her – and for what? Depending on the misbehavior, which could be anything from not helping clear the table to breaking the law, different consequences would be appropriate, so it's hard to give advice without more information. At any rate, it would be unrealistic to suddenly institute time outs or spankings.
But in general (and I think this would be especially important for an "enabling parent"), let her experience the consequences of her choices. And quick, before she doesn't have you to help her patch things together after she messes up. If she's never experienced real consequences by the time she leaves home, she's in for lots of rude surprises.
Consequences could look like different things, again depending on the behavior that you don't give any details about. Not caring for her clothes? She'll have to wear them dirty or wrinkled. Breaking the law? She appears in court, pays her fine herself. Anything in between? You'll need to play it by ear.
But since you see yourself as an enabler, you'll do well to read at least one of many good books on the topic. Really, they will help you understand your predicament, and coach you in finding a sane way forward. I'd also recommend you study the parenting approach recommended in a really terrific book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. While I use it currently with my 4.5yo grandson with excellent results, I'm pretty sure it will still be helpful when he's almost grown up, because it teaches us to hear our children respectfully and supportively AND require the same from them. (Of course, by then he will have internalized most of the concepts, which is the ideal when raising a strong adult.)
Will your daughter be surprised at change in you? You bet. Will she like it? Heck, no. Change is hard, especially when it's imposed from the outside rather than by our own choice. Will she fight to keep things as favorable to her as possible? Almost certainly – never knew a healthy kid who wouldn't. But use this win-win approach, and you'll keep negative reactions to a minimum, and maximize positive growth.
Finally, the little secret about respect that isn't really a secret at all – if you respect yourself and treat others respectfully, they will respect you. This in one of those qualities that grows organically. Another reason to learn more about codependency and enabling. Counseling, if you can afford it, could also be a great assist. Practical help awaits you!
.
