Part Time Nanny for 2 Girls

Hi M.
What type of discipline or consequences can you give? And would the family support you in the consequences? You may consider, what the parents are telling these girls when you not around--like you are hired to take care of them, so they feel you should clean up after them. How do they act with their parents? I suggest you talk to the parents and inform them that you are trying to teach the girls responsibility and that you need their help or maybe you need to look for another position, where you will be appreciated and have cooperation.

S. C.

Unfortunately, you are dealing with parents who are spoiling their children.
YOU are doing the right thing. The parents are just typical parents of the present time: lazy, tired, and guilty that they aren't giving their children enough. What they aren't giving them is discipline and guidance.

Just know that you are doing the right thing, but it's not something that can be imposed on the parents. They are making their choices even though they're the wrong choices.
good luck

Bless you for doing the job that you do. It must be hard to raise someone's children because they are not able to. I agree with you that 11 and 12 are old enough to know and understand the rules of the house, but without the support of the mother and grandmother, it will be hard to enforce the rules. It sounds like they are enabling the children not to learn about maintaining the house. Maybe you could sit down with the children and try to be their friend too instead of just disciplinarian. Maybe tell them once they do homework and can keep things in order that you would do something fun with them. Whatever they mess up, I would get them to clean up so they don't take advantage of you.

Good Luck with everything.

I hear your frustration, M.. It sounds to me like the girls need some extra attention from the parents! I used to be a preschool teacher and I saw this many times when the parents did not spend enough time with their children. The children would always act out. I have a 15 yr. old, a 6 yr old and a 20 month old. All girls! Girls are drama that's for sure. I do explain to my 15 yr old when she does act out she misses on special priviledges, going to friends houses, birthday parties etc...It works for about a week, but that's a teenager for you. Maybe their parents should plan something with them, it might help. I don't know the situation, but that might be what's contributing to the problem. I don't know your situation either, but I am a stay at home mom and just joined a company that has helped me earn an income for my family. If you're interested you can visit my website at www.themomteam.com/michelleyoung Good Luck! I hope some of this helps

Try being a nanny first, then housekeeper second. This is what I would do. For a week or two,do the deep cleaning, bathroom,floors, spider webs, dusting, vaccuming when they are not around. Don't worry about the clutter. When the kids are around, don't clean. Just play with the girls, talk,sit,make popcorn together,Do a craft together, (make
jewelry, tie dye a tee shirt, etc. nothing fancy. Just do fun stuff. Be silly and don't try to "teach" them. Don't feel guilty about the clutter. Just establish a relationship with them. Just pick up or rearrange the clutter for the last 30 minutes your there. Don't worry about the house. Worry about establishing relationship
with the kids.The rest will follow, you will see.Besides
I think they like the clutter. Just make it clean underneath.:)

M.,
What is their routine when they get home from school? I have a 12 year old who tends to be on the messy side but has a routine when he gets home from school. He has a snack, does his chores, then homework and finally free time after that depending on how long it takes. He also plays sports so he is pretty disciplined. I have a calendar of activities posted that includes his chores that he can check off. He is rewarded on Sundays when he follows through with everything. It sounds like you are really trying and they are at an age where they should be respecting you. What is the consequence if they make a mess? How many times do you have to remind them to do their homework?

Dear M.,
I have discovered that while I am a good housekeeper and a good babysitter/nanny I am not good at that job while raising my own kids. Frankly I suggest that you look for another job. What ever they are paying you is not enough for the anxiety that you are going through. Of course you cannot follow through like the girls need while you don't feel like you are on the same page as the mother. Of course the mother will give her kids huge behavior allowances because she has you to do a huge bulk of the parenting. It is also normal for you to feel a strong resentment to these girls while your real bad feelings are to their parents. That is why you need another job, you can't risk these bad feelings hurting you, the girls or your son.
You have some standards for your son that you have set with him at birth. He will grow up to respect you as you follow through with your disciplining.
Good luck!
T.

Hi M.,
The way they are treatting you is no good at all. It's common situation, though.
It really depends on how long you have been working there. If you've been with theses girls for a long time, like a year or more than that, then it's too late to change the situation. They are spoild girls that think they own you, and that you are their slave. It's their parents fault, they are the ones that have to teach their kids to respect others. It's not your job to make them listen to you.
If you just started working there, then there's a chance to save the situation, by beeing strict with them, talk to them firm.
My mom had quit her previous job as a nanny because the little boy was hitting her, and his perants wouldn't do anything about that, and he was not listening to my mom, so she just quit. Then she got a better job in Bel Air, in the very nice family that had their values straight and were paying a lot more too. So it all works out for the best.

I don't assume to know any more than you do, but I wanted to take the time to encourage you to not doubt yourself as a mother because of these girls. They truly are the responsibility of their parents and family. It is up to them to model and teach them how to behave and respect others, including you. If the girls are disrespectful, refusing to take care of their responsibilities and the parents are not enstilling discipline, I would quit. You may be able to make a difference where the parents are lacking, but if the children are continuing to be disrespectful and the parents are not backing you up there is not much else you can do. The parents need to back you up. I'm sure that as a mom you have more authority with your son and he will be more affected by your teaching and disciplining than the girls are. I might also add that the girls are young and may just need time for fun. You may enjoy your job more if you have fun with the girls, dance and sing with them and they may start to develop a new kind of respect for you. I am a 9th grade teacher and having fun with my students has resulted in being able to relate with each other and getting more out of the serious/working times. Is there a play time in their daily schedule. I suggest that when they come home from school they take a 1 hour play time and then a 1 hour homework time and then a 1/2 hour chores/pick up after themselves time.

M.,

First off, it saddens me that girls this age do not understand how hard you work, and that you have your own family you're not with. My daughter treated her nanny like a respected grandmother and would do for her what she wouldn't for me.

But please, don't confuse being a nanny and being a parent. As the parent to your son you will be consistent with your expectations and boundries. And I'm sure you will follow through with the consequences if he doesn't meet them. You will make sure these rules and consequences are consistent and he will turn out great. But these girls aren't not YOUR kids. You are not raising them. It is not your job to make them good people. That's their parents jobs. Your job is to keep them safe while mom is at work and keep the house clean. Of course to do that, you need their cooperation.

First off you have to make the parents the disciplinarians. Have they ever seen the havoc the girls create, or are you always cleaning up after them? Maybe one day you should tell the parents (but not the girls) you're not going to follow them around to clean up before they get home so they can see what happens...then stick around for a bit to help clean things up afterward. (same with unfinished homework.)

Now if the parents are cooperative you can move forward. Hopefully you are already "speaking to them calmly" because yelling gets you no where. I know this with my headstrong 11 year old daughter. Rules are only followed when there are consquences to not following them. Since I assume you and the parents agree on the rules, then ask the parents to put in place consequences for breaking them. (ie, no tv that afternoon, no computer). Make sure the parents set these up. Then have THEM to write them down and post them....not you.

Then calmly and with authority, follow through. Heck, it's not your rules. You're just doing your job. With luck the parents will follow through too. You're not there to pick up after them 24/7.

If the parents aren't willing to back you up in any of this, then you should look for a new job.

One other big point, I think you have it backwards...dealing with 11 and 12 year old girls is waaaaay harder than disciplining a 7 year old boy. Don't compare apples and lemons.

Good luck,

D.

Hi M.;

I think you needed to talk to your boss in front of their children so that the children will be in front of their parents and heard about your concern. Never talk to the children or parent alone, always talk to the whole family so that you know no one is playing games with you either the teenagers or parent. This teenager's are sometimes a pez and ungratefull that somebody else is trying to clean their own house for them. Also what is your boss think if she will give you a vacations and let her two teenagers be responsible to clean the house or do their chores. Sometimes that is the problem with parents with nanny, they don't teach their children how to be a responsible person to clean up after themselves. I know it is hard to say things to your boss because she pays your income. You have to be careful on what to say and what you can't say about your boss family. Ask your boss to help you teach her teenager's to learn how to respected you and your house rules that you posted in their bathroom or all parts of the house. Let see if that is working or not. Good luck.

A.

My dear M. P

You are treated like a servant and nothing ells. That has to stop immediately! They, and when I say they I mean the entire family, has to start standing up for themselves. They must start to appreciate you and treat you with the dignity you deserve.

My suggestion is that you call a meeting with the family. Make it official and ask everyone how they see things currently being dealt with and what their ideals would be. It is very important that this is an open meeting and you raise all your points of concern. It is also important that they realize you do it for them as well, not only yourself. Tell them what you are trying to achieve and why. Ask them how they envisage you reaching those ideals if they are not prepared to help you.

If they truly love those kids they will stand behind you and support you in your decisions. As you said, these girls are nearly teens; they should start taking responsibility by now.

It needs be, have follow up meetings on a weekly basis.

Good luck, I am holding thumbs for you my dear, stay strong, keep your head up and do your best. That way no one can turn around and say you failed them.

Gina

Oh, this isn't about you, this is about the impowerment your boss has let the kids have. They have let the kids know that you don't have the right or power to carry out the rules so the kids think they are a joke. Girls are actually harder than boys. You are going to have to convince the boss this is a problem, not the kids. She needs to understand that you can't work this way and you need her support. They are old enough to have rules and show you respect. If they are not showing you respect, they are not showing her respect either I can guess by her response.
If you get the support of your boss great. If not, then you'll have to decide what you can live with at work and what you can't.

AAAAAAAA Being a nanny can be so hard sometimes. I was a full time nanny for 6 yrs and sometimes I just wanted to pull my hair out. I was always confused on how to dicapline because they were not my own children. What I use to do with their messy rooms was if they made a mess in it that I asked them to clean up they had to stay in the room until it was clean. Sometimes this would last all day but that was their choice. If they don't want to fallow the rules and they make the house a mess don't pick it up again and let their parents see how they are treating your hard work and let them discipline them. I know it sucks but if the parents don't see what you are talking about how will they know. Same thing with the homework put them in their own rooms to do their homework and if they don't get it done let them deal with the consequences. You can always let the parents know ahead about the differences they might see so they don't get shocked if things aren't the same. You are a nanny not a slave. With one of the kids I use to nanny she was always testing me so I finally stopped playing her game and started taking her toys away when she was nasty. I would call mom or dad ask them if they were ok with it and do it. I was the one who decided how long and what toy. It sounds mean and honestly it is but after a couple times when they realized I was serious we kind of all got the hang of things. Good luck

Is their dad around? It sounds like the rules may need to be reiterated by their father! The girls mother and grandmother are just making excuses... granted kids are kids but at their age they should be able to behave and respect you.

Hi I think they act that way because you are the nanny, thats their way of getting attention from you because maybe they are not getting it where they really want and need it. Don't worry about your son, if anything learn from it and give your son attention at all times not only when he does something wrong, and he will not act like them, and believe me you will be able to handle him, after all he is your child! As for the girls, give them the silent treatment if they continue to disobey you, do your job that your there to do(house cleaning, supervising) but don't get too emotionally involved. If they love and respect you, they will realize what they need to be doing, and hopefully come around.

M.,
when I was a nanny, I'd get the kids home from school and set a timer for 30 minutes. That was their time to take a break. Afterwards, they needed to do their homework.
They've already been in school all day - maybe they just need a little break from sitting/working/being told what to do to make them faster and more focused when they do their homework.
I'm also a friend of bribing kids. :) So perhaps you could tell them that once their homework is done (and done well) or done without arguing with you or each other, they will be allowed a special treat of some sort (take them to the park, let them watch an extra 30 minutes of TV, ...).
I know it's frustrating and I know this doesn't really address the rest of the 'being irresponsible' issue, but it might help you improve the situation a little.
(Also, don't assume that your son will turn out like those girls! After all, YOU are the one raising him!!!)

Hi M.,
I have been a 4th grade teacher for 11 years. These kids sound like brats. Ask the parents to set up rules and consequences. You have to be consistent with the consequences, or else they won't take them or you seriously. Ask the parents what their expectations are as far as behavior goes. It is the parent's responsibility, not yours. You are just facilitating the structure that the parents have set up. Tell the parents that you're concerned and uncomfortable with the behavior you are seeing and that you feel they need to be involved. I personally would not stay without the support of the parents. There are plenty of good nanny jobs out there.

Take heart...you are raising someone elses children. Anything you teach then gets undone every single day if the parents don't enforce it. Especially if the parents are trying to tell you that they are "kids and don't know better" it is very possible they are undermining your ways when you are not around. This is teaching the girls that they don't have to listen to you. Your own child will know better, and of course, every parenting moment has its ups and downs. I say stick to your guns, love your child and do what you think is best for him and he will turn out just fine. Don't let the behavior of children you ultimately have very little control over make you feel like a bad mom. To care for someone else's children and then go home and still have the energy to care for your own is a HUGE thing. :) GOOD LUCK

M.:

Sounds like the problem is with your boss and grandmom as they are telling you they are only kids and always don't remember the rules. An 11yr old and 12yr old girl should have more respect for you and are just joking around because they know they are upsetting you and can get away with it. With children that age you cannot force things like getting them to clean or do their homework especially if their are not consequences. It sounds like their parents will have to enforce consequences if they are totally disregarding you.

I am a mom of a 11 year old daughter and I have to say by no means is it easy. I always have to remind her to do her homework and clean up her room. If she doesn't then I must enforce consequences like taking away something that is important to her like no sleep overs for a couple of weeks. And believe me sleep overs are very important to girls of this age!

I am by no means an expert and this is my first experience with an almost teen girl. I am sure with 2 in the house it can prove to be a challenge. I would be interested to hear other comments from other parents with teens.

Laura

I think that part of the reason they don't listen to you is simply because you are their nanny, not their parent. And it seems that if the parents aren't enforcing the rules, then why should they listen.

Maybe it's time to clarify your job description with you boss. With the children getting older and (by what you describe) seemingly more out of control, the parents need to decide how they want their children to behave. You also need to know what is expected of you.

I hope things go well. If not, how much do you charge? :) lol

My heart goes out to you. That can start to be a difficult age for girls. There's a fun website that might be able to help. It's based on a reward system for being responsible for their own environmnet. www.housefairy.org

Be grateful you dont have 2 girls!

;-)

Seriously, don't worry. Your problem is about what else goes on with them re parents etc and the role you are in (and you need to refine that with your employers). You need to be calm. firm and have power and authority in your manner (and your consequences ... which means they need to empower you with possible punishments and rewards).

You wont have these issues with your son!

I don't know that I have any concrete advice for you but I just had to respond. I hope they are paying you well for putting up with all of this. I think the reason they can so calmly tell you how to deal with the girls is because they are not around to do the wonderful (but extremely difficult) job that you are. It sounds like your boss is part of the problem. They don't seem to be taking you seriously. They are regarding this as your problem when in essence it is actually theirs. They excuse the attitudes and disrespect that their preteen daughters are exhibiting when in fact they should be taking it very seriously and addressing the issues at hand. If they can treat you (their caregiver) this way, then they could treat anybody this way. It is time for you to become extremely assertive and tell it like it is. I know, easy for me to say, you need the job, right? I just hate to see people taken advantage of, and that is exactly what is happening here. I wish you luck. I know there are lots of other families out there who need and would truly appreciate your services.

W. Jones

Mom to two boys (10 and 8) who would never allow my children to treat someone with such disrespect!

Do you get along with them/ Is their mother in the picture? Will their father back you up? It sounds like there are other issues going on here and they are just demonstrating some of these feelings in outward ways. Try asking them if this is how they are at their friends house and at school. See if you can't get them to open up to you.

hi M.-
sound like your real problem are the parents and grandparents! if you are not all on the same page, it will never work, because the kids will know they can treat you differently! i don't know if you feel comfortable talking to the parents or grandparents- sounds like they are the ones who need the parenting help- you are in a tough situation! i wouldn't worry about your own child, it sounds like you have structure, discipline, consistancy and follow through- but in the home where you are the nanny you aren't given the respect you deserve since you are doing what sounds like more parenting than the parents- but not given the authority that goes with it!

your answer is in your 1st sentence. you are either a nanny or a house cleaner.they have no respect for you cause there mother doesn;t.maybe you have to seperate them for homework time.when they are done they get treats( if they mess up & not clean up) they get something they like taken away. it is called consiquences. if the mother doesn;t back you then she is part of the problem. have them write like 20 times i will listen when( your name) asks me to do something. start looking for another job. as far as your son is concerned if you are being consistent w/him there will be no problems. good luck...from another nanny.

Hi M.,
I'm the mother of 3 and 5 yr old girls and stepmom to a 19 year old (living with us full time for 4 yrs now).
I've been reading 'Redirecting Children's Behavior' by Katherine Kvols. It's amazing and my kids have responded really well the first time I applied the methods, including the stepdaughter!

People telling you to speak calmly doesn't really give you enough information. This book does. I got it used for about $5 on amazon.com ($4 shipping) and it's practically brand new.
Best of luck!
L.

P.S. By the sounds of it, the mother and grandmother make excuses for them not remembering the rules. That's a load of you know what. Kids need guidelines and adults to adhere to those guidelines, providing options and relevant consequences. I bet they misbehave even worse when you're not around!

Even if your boss (and family) don't follow the recommendations in the book, I think it's possible for you to set your own reasonable boundaries with reasonable consequences so you get the desired results.

You are in the precarious position of raising someone else's children and they know it. Unless you have the authority to provide consequences for negative behavior OR the parents enforce the rules then you are swimming upstream. I would request that the parents help you out by checking the children's homework upon arriving home from work. Also, the parents can enforce the children doing age appropriate chores by checking that they have done them. By checking, I mean actually looking and not asking you. good luck.
K.

I have finally had success with my 8 & 11 yr old girls by posting a reward chart where they get points for doing things right. You need to talk to your employer and see what you are allowed to reward them with - outings, computer time, whatever. Of course they know better but there is no reward for good behavior or things denied (not punishment)for bad behavior. Why bother?

The chart is different for each girl and counts up things I want them to do each day - like set the table, do their homework, go to bed on time, play nicely with their sister, etc. Some of them are really easy or things they have to do anyway, like homework, but it helps to let them check it off when they are done. The little one now has a catagory for simply putting her homework in her backpack - a simple thing for her to do but I can't tell you how many times she went to school without her homework BEFORE the chart! I still ask them if they have done stuff and if so they get a "Good Job! Did you check it off?"or a "Go do it, then check it off!"

I reward with money - they used to earn an allowance but now this has replaced it. No work, no money. 100 points = $5.00 which they can earn in a week & 1/2 or 4 weeks, depending on how motivated they are. I come up with extra credit points too when I really want them to do something special. Yes I know they should help around the house just to help but this is working, and I hope later when they are USED to doing stuff to drop the free-lance system for a straight allowance for my sweet helpful girls!

I think you'll do a fine job with your son. It sounds like your boss and their grandmother are the issue. As a paid employee you have to do what they want -- it is different when you're the mom. These girls sound bratty. You're right -- 11 & 12 are old enough to know the rules. They are just taking advantage of you because you really can't discipline them (without being fired) and they know it. You may not have many options: quit or deal with their lack of respect. You may want to try positive rewards -- get them to compete against each other for special treats.

Who cares for your son while you work?

Good Luck.

Sounds like the 2 girls are spoiled and have little respect for you. Maybe if you guys (parents included) make the rules together- so they are rules that the girls need to follow all the time. Hw- maybe they should it in separate rooms. Do they need a lot of help?
I used to nanny two boys (from ages 7 to 12) for three years. We had issues but their mom was very supportive and I reported everything to her. Good luck.

Sounds like the Mom (and Grand mother)of those girls needs to start being a Mom and get wise to the REAL world of parenting! To start: 11 and 12 year old girls are a lot and I mean A LOT smarter than a lot of parents give them credit for! Can't remember the rules, they say?!? Balogny! They, like all kids and teenagers do, are pushing boundries. Shoot: my four year old knows the rules! I have 4 children of my own. 21 yr. old son, 18 yr. old daughter, 16 yr. old son and finally my 5 year old son. Sounds like you are doing and trying to do a good job. So what I do AS A PARENT and when the rules are broke, (or the girls don't clean something up, etc...) start taking the cell phone, radio, sterio, T.V. or any other "privelege" they may have away. Talk to the Mom and Grandma first though, hate for you to lose a job by doing something they wouldn't "approve" of. You are not there to be a friend. You are taking a very seriouse role in raising some elses children. And if the Mom and Grandma can't appriceite that: maybe it is time to move on. God bless you and your son. Hope it helps a little.

I don't really have any advice, but I do have encouragement. I think that you will do fine raising your own little boy. It is possible that the girls that you are nanny-ing haven't had the consistant atmosphere that you are trying to give them now. "They're just kids..." can be a valid excuse or it can just be a way of not having to deal with the problem.

PS. How thier parents treat you and your work could have something to do with it. Do they appreciate your efforts in front of thier children?

Video tape them and show the parents how they are acting when they are not around.

Hi M.,

Can you take them to the park for an hour or so after school to let them run around a bit? Even a walk would be good excersise and they'd be less crazed when they get home from school.

The problem you're facing is a difficult one. Mother's who work don't understand how difficult it is to keep a clean house - they're not with their kids all day. They're paying you to keep the house clean and take care of the kids while they work. In a sense you are a surrogate mother, but at the same time you're not. You can't enforce a rule that the parents don't enforce themselves. You should'nt be expected to enforce it either.

If I were you I would sit down and talk to the parents about the problem. Explain that the house is very clean before the girls come home but that they make a mess once they're home from school and that you are having a very hard time keeping the house clean after that point. Ask if they can talk to the girls and help you to enforce the rule of picking up after themselves in the main house. Here's the thing, if the parent's don't want their precious girls to lift a finger then you have two options: Find a new job or pick up after the brats. It's not your fault that they're parents are overindulgent so don't feel that their lack of consideration or respect is reflective of you.

Good luck!

I have a nanny for my 2 sons. At times they will misbehave and I give my nanny permission to ground them for the day. She could pick no TV, no Nintendo, no playing with favorite toys, etc. If it is major, she is to call me and I will ground them for more or bigger things. Ask your employer if you are able to ground them. Maybe take the phone away for the week. If they pick-up or do their homework - reward them with maybe making them their favorite desert, or something you know they love. Good luck.

I would like first to respond to the very end of your email where you ask about your son. First of all, YOU are raising your son and it sounds like you aren't given a hole lot of discipline power at work. Where as, with your son, you can follow through and make sure he follows the rules by taking away privledges or doing time outs, groundings -whatever it is that you do. It sounds like with the girlls you are expected to do a lot of talking and it isn't really expected for them to listen. It sounds like they don't have any real consequences that hit home for them. Your son will be different so don't worry about that part!

As for the nannying part, I don't know what to tell you. If the parents don't support you and your discipline then you don't have a lot of power to instill much change. As a teacher I've seen this kind of thing a lot where the parents think their children will be perfect and are perfect with out learning any lessons about natural as well as parental consequences for their actions (I'm not advocating hitting, spanking, and beating here, but consequences none-the-less) The kids have a hard time through middle school when this is how they've been raised and the parents tend to come around eventually through desperation but I've often really felt for the nanny in the picture. Without a team that presents consistency in expectation and consequence kids have a hard time remembering the boundaries.

I really don't think the problem is necessarily with the two girls. I could also be the parents and grandmother. It is their responsibility to let the girls know that when you are watching them, you are in charge and need to treat you that way. If you don't have the backing of the parents why should the girls behave for you. 11 and 12 you said? They are old enough to know better. That's a cope out answer. I think you need to sit down with the bosses and better define what they expect of you in terms of the two daughters (ie homework, cleaning up after themselves, disciplining them) and whether or not they have your backing. You may discover that all they really want is just a housekeeper.

Also, helping someone else raise they children isn't always the same as raising your own children. You have more freedom do dictate rules and consequences with your son than w/ the two girls.

good luck

They need to be rewarded for following the rules, which should be established by their mother, father and you. The 3 of you need to sit down and discuss the rules with the girls. Why you have rules and what rewards they can earn for following the rules and what punishment will happen if they don't follow the rules. If the parents won't help then do this on your own. It seems that they like to make you miserable, perhaps because mom and dad aren't home when they return from school. The reward can be small, but it must be something they want. If they are working towards points, you can't take them away once they have earned them no matter how much you may want to. Make the reward something they can achieve in a short time. Then you can have inflation. P.