Frustrated with Husbands Insensitivity

"Find an excellent therapist who can help relieve your PTSD. Take your husband with you to the appointment so the professional can explain what will help you and what will not. Often we "get it" when the information comes from a professional."

Dr. Shoshana Bennett
http://DrShosh.com

Hi T.,

I'm sorry for what happened to you! I'm sure it is very tramatizing. Check with your alarm company. I know there are some alarms that can be adjusted so you can open your window some without setting off the alarm.

Your Husband should be more supportive. What happens when you mention the 5 children to him? Ask him if he's not concerned with your safety what about his childrens?

Just a suggestion I hope it helps?

I do know there are some couseling groups for post tramatic situations that might help too?

Mom of 4 Grandma of 1

Hi T.,

I know you have been through alot. You have gotten some sound advice. Another resource is:

Conferencing-Family Group Decision Making (FGDM)

###-###-####

It is tough trying to get your needs met and then no one to listen.

Try going to a Co-Dependency support group.

http:www.coda.org

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

Maybe in his own way he trying to help you get over this.

Also when you broach the subject does he get angry? Could you express yourself in a different tone of voice that would completely let him know how you feel but not make him feel attacked?

I have a tendency to sound like I'm attacking when I feel strongly about something. With men you have to be very clear about what would help you feel comforted but you also need to let them have the same freedom with you. That is when you 'LUV' - Listen, understand, value. This doesn't have to include agreeing but the main goal is to validate and truly understand from the other persons perspective how they feel. Good luck

I've been there! When I was pregnant we were robbed in the middle of the night, and I missed running into the guy downstairs by only a few minutes. I also was very upset. I had always wanted an alarm but my husband had poo-poohed me and didn't want to spend the money. Well, after we were robbed I informed him-- and I mean that-- that I was having an alarm put in and that it WOULD be used. He is also not someone who is super-sensitive to my wants, but in this case I just "threw down." You have a right- a RIGHT-- to feel safe in your house, and your wish to have the windows closed and the alarm on is not unreasonable.

So, how you handle this with him is up to you. I would have a very frank communication with him and say exactly what you told us. If that doesn't work, have the alarm fixed yourself. If he still is disrespecting you (and that, ultimately is what he's doing)-- you might have to disrespect him right back. Wake him up every time you are feeling scarred and ask him to go downstairs and check. Or get up and turn on the lights. Or get up and close all the windows (loudly) and turn on the alarm. Make sure the chime is on when you do it. If he wants the windows open because he is hot, get an air conditioner. What is more important than feeling safe in your house?

Good luck. Sounds like you just need to find what you did with your backbone. Some guys just are not going to think about others before they think about themselves until you insist.

Sounds like you need some professional counseling to get through this. Also get the alarm fixed. We have windows that have locks keep them from opening too far, so I use those. You can keep the window open a bit for air, but they can't be opened any further without closing the locks.

Does your husband really know how you feel, or are you just assuming he does? Maybe he is not being insensitive, for a man. Maybe he just doesn't understand the depth of your fear. Guys don't feel the same way we do about lots of things. Men sometimes need it spelled out for them. Sit him down and talk about it if you haven't already and tell him you are still afraid, and feel you need some counseling, but in the meantime could he please be a bit more sensitive.

you need some counseling to get over the fear and with that the hubby should be brought in to discuss why he seems so insensitive to your fear.

I do know plenty of people who will not sleep with open windows to make you feel better

I think you should seek counseling for post traumatic stress disorder. I can't imagine how terrified I'd be if that happened to me.
However, there is insensitive and there is stupid, and I believe going to bed with windows open and unlocked is stupid (at least on my first floor)! I', not calling your husband stupid--just the act of sleeping in a non-secured home. And I live in a pretty 'good" (read: low crime) neighborhood. Why would he do that? Is that how your intruder got in in the first place? That's crazy. Get the window fixed ASAP so you can set your alarm again.

I am sorry that something like this had to happen to you and sorry that you are still experiencing anxiety of the robbery. The first thing I would suggest is talking to your husband and communicate equally on how both of you feel. People deal with things in different ways. Second, I would suggest, as soon as possible getting your alarm fixed. I am sure that would bring you some peace. Third, I would suggest you getting yourself some help. The fear is ruling your life and not to sound crass but you cannot spend the rest of your life keeping your windows shut. It is unfair to everyone around you as well as yourself. You can get your husband to see your side of things and get him to help you through it one step at a time but I don't honestly think that he should change his way of thinking. Unfortunately many people get robbed but continue to live their daily lives. I suggest start by being grateful that no one was harmed and that nothing else happened but losing the material stuff in life. Please do not think I am being insensitive but you have to learn how to deal with this because if you don't, it will only get worse. I have PTSD from a severe car accident ten years ago but I have chosen to live the life that I was graciously given and able to keep. Good luck to you and God bless.

T., while I was never in your boat (thank God!!), I imagine I would have the same fear as you. Counseling may be helpful.

Also, reading through your words, I think marriage counseling might also be helpful. It sounds like he is either purposely getting a kick out of your fear, or he is trying to help you get past it by having you "face" your fear. But you also say "who comes to bed after me if at all..." which leads me to believe there are more underlying issues.

So, retracting the "may" in counseling may be helpful, I highly recommend it. You may be covered for part of it with your health insurance.

Good luck to you.