Friends House Is Way to Dirty

I would use the new baby as an excuse to help out and get over there and clean. Being pregnant makes it so hard to do that stuff, so you can do it as a suprise. Say something like " I really wanted to get you a special new baby gift, but I am a little cash poor right now, so I did this instead." Good luck.

I would only let your son go over and play outside, have her son over to your house, or choose a neutral location for a play date like the park.

It sounds like you are just casual friends with this woman. In that case you may not know the whole situation and that the house may be dirty at the past month or two due to preganacy issues. I'm sure she would appreciate any help you could give her, like helping her to clean up, taking her son for an afternoon, or offering to watch the new baby.

I agree, get a couple of your mutual friends (if you have mutual friends) and just go over and clean the house as a "baby home" gift. You could even provide the family with a nice dinner. I think they might get it then :).

I bet that one mess turned into another and then it all became so overwhelming especially if mom has been pregnant and dad works a lot (I'm assuming). If you can find a friend to help, then look at cleaning the main parts of the house..(living room, bathroom, kitchen, and dining room) if time permits. Do the laundry if it feels comfortable for you.

It would be a super nice gesture with the baby needing to come home in a day or so.

Otherwise, if you can't get in there to do it while they are at the hospital....offer (in person to the mom) to come over 2 days a week (or more) for the next few weeks to help out with the baby and the house. Just tell her that you understand how hard it can be with being pregnant and a toddler at home to keep up with everything. Say you are really good with organizing (many people are not!) and offer it as support WITHOUT judgement.

Remember, you can only do so much. Help with kindness and support and if it gets out of hand again you'll have to decide if it is worth ending your friendship over. You may just have to be candid and say (later) that you love her and want your kids to be friends but you just can't bring your son to such an environment to play.

Hope this helps.

Hmmm I wasn't sure of any ideas until you said they just had a baby. If you are able/willing, what if you offered to come over and do some cleaning? Sort of as a new baby gift! haha Maybe get another friend to come help too.

This is so gross! LOL!

Years ago, I had a girlfriend who's hubby was a flirt. He would flirt with any woman that visited her. It got so bad, I had to ask if he was home when she'd invite me over. If she said yes, I'd say, maybe next time.

My advice would be to ask, hey, did you guys clean up today. If the answer is no, say maybe next time. Of course, you and I know that next time will never come. You can even accept the invitation and then cancel at the lat minute. Eventually, she'll catch on. Either clean or your kid cannot visit. But by all means, don't keep taking your kid over just to save face. She knows her house is nasty.

Hi B. - it's a little hard to say since we don't know anything about this woman except that she has a new baby and a dirty house. She could be lazy and a terrible housekeeper or simply exhausted and overwhelmed with all the work it takes to keep up a house with young kids and a new baby.

If you are uncomfortable with how it is now, then only let your son play with him at your house or outside. If she is really your friend then why not gently bring it up to her in a way that is supportive but not condemning? ie: "You really have your hands full with kids the house and a new baby. Is there anything I can do to help you around the house? I am more than willing to help with whatever you need." You could also turn it into a "service project" lesson for your son and her son. Pull them in to clean explain that since she has a new baby she is really tired and busy and needs our help and it will make her happy. It will also benefit her son by helping him learn how to get a bathroom to sparkle and learning how to put his clothes away, etc.

I am in a similar situation. One of my girls' friends lives in a dirty house. Everytime they go over there, they come back covered in dog hair. The house is always very messy. I like to keep my house picked up and fairly clean, so it bothers me very much. I think that when you present a chaotic environment, you invite chaos into your home in many different ways. If the house is as bad as you say it is, then I would speak up. Understand that it may cost your son a friendship b/c no matter how nice you are, some people will just take major offense to any kind of a critique. However, sanitation is an issue here, and you might want to stick to your gut on this one.

call the authorities

Well, since she just had a baby, how about you offer to help with housecleaning while she is recovering?

I am not sure what her circumstances are, but as a full time working mom, in my house sometimes the laundry and dishes pile up and the bathroom just doesn't get cleaned as often as I would like. Yes, sometimes there are crumbs on the floor, I try to keep up with vacuuming - but both my hubby and my toddler are messy eaters.
Now ours isn't FILTHY, but also not as clean as I would like it to be.
In my life there are more important things than a spotless house and most cleaning chores are delegated to the weekends so we can spend the little time we have each day playing.

If you have the time and compassion for your friend, go over, say congrats and just tell her you know how hard it is with a new baby, you would like to help by cleaning. Good luck!

I always get my friends that don't have cleaning ladies a gift certificate for Merry Maids (or the like) as a shower gift...it's very helpful for new parents...you could definitely split this w/your friends. But the house does need to be picked up first...I don't think they'll clean around the dirty underwear, etc.

If it is that unsanitary, you could call the Health Department.

do not go there. what would you say? clean your house? not your problem. if it bothers yoy, do not go. find new friends for your son.
by the way, I would not allow my kids there, and use an excuse like, you just had a baby let your son come over to my house. little by little they'll get the message

Tough question! I don't believe in offering advice or judgement where none has been requested. And I don't believe in avoiding the truth when the subject comes up directly. How other people keep their homes is really their business, but of course it's your business to safeguard your children's health.

Telling the truth is not comfortable in a situation like this, but for me, bathroom and kitchen are the most critical shared spaces. So, if it seems at some point to become necessary, I would just flat-out say, "I love it that our children are friends. And I've noticed that your bathroom is dirty and that I'm very uncomfortable picturing my son using it."

Whatever you say, do your best to limit it to a clear, objective observation (a dirty room) and the feelings that arise in you (discomfort). Feelings are just there and nobody can tell you they're wrong. Observable facts just exist. She can't really argue with you, or logically blame you, for either of these.

But people arent' always logical. You could expect any kind of reaction to this, from tears to embarrassment to anger. But if the space allows, you might ask her if there is anything you might do to assist her. Would you be willing to spend an hour or two of your time helping her clean up a bit?

This information, and an offer of caring assistance, could make a huge positive impression. If she chooses to obstruct the friendship between your sons, that would be sad. So weigh in the possible effect on the kids as you decide whether to say anything.

I would feel uncomfortable about sending my son there as well. I say, just have the little boy over to your house to play instead. That way they can still be friends, and no one gets hurt feelings. There really isn't anything you can do about the cleanliness of another person. It apparently doesn't bother her, so you shouldn't let it bother you either.

Can't say my house was dirty, but when I had my baby a friend who owned a cleaning service went over scrubbed and waxed floors, did some cleaning and I loved it.

If you can get a small crew together to do laundry and cleaning, she might appreciate this more then you know (I would get the OK from her husband). She may have been very tired and/or depressed (especially during and at the end of pregnancy)....So once you see her reaction, perhaps you can be honest about how it is important to have a clean home for the family. (Homes DO NOT have to be HOSPITAL clean--just clean).

Blessings....

I agree about going over to clean for the new baby. Maybe once the house is cleaned up she will be able to keep it that way. I know one time when I was working I just kept putting things off and (although it was no where near what you are saying) I felt so overwhelmed I didn't even know where to start. So I asked my mom and grandma to come over (they both love to clean) and it gave us a good excuse to spend the day together too. And once it was back to normal I never let it get that way again. BUt without the push and help.... who knows what it would be like today (maybe as bad as your friends house). LOL- I don't it. But my MIL believes that spending time with the kids and activities for and with them, etc... she is a very busy mom of 10 total but 5 under 13.... is much more important than having a clean house. She even gets on my case if I say I spent the day cleaning and didn't play anything with my kids that day. Maybe your friend feels the same way and doesn't have enough hours in her day to get everything in, especially if she has been pregnant. Sometimes pregnancy is more than exhausting!
Also if you are not comfortable allowing your son over there then don't. You really don't have to explain why just say no he is not allowed to come over, each time they ask. Sometimes you can offer their son to come over when you just said no, sometimes just wait and ask in a day or 2 so your son can stay friends with him without being in any kind of harm.
Don't let others cleaning habits get in the way or relationships. Just don't be around it if you are not comfortable with it. Hope this helps :)

Hi B., I wouldn't let my son go over there either. A couple that was one of our best friends had a home like that. I told her that my little one had a dust allergy and it would always flare up after visiting them. He also has very sensitive skin and would break out in a rash while at there house. I don't know if he has an actual dust allergy or not, but it sounded good. White lie, I know, but it saved our friendship. I had gone over on a few occasions and tried to help clean up, but it always went back to the same way. Just a side note... Peoples homes are a reflection on how they see themselves. Years later they are no longer together and both keep very clean homes now.

my gift to them for the new baby would be a house cleaner.... there are some things you just cannot change so you need to figure out what is most important to you, having your son in a healthy environment or having a friend for him......you just amy have to breakaway from this friendship or lay out the truth

You could find out if there is a young girl like 15 -18 who would be a mothers helper 1 - 2 times a week in the area. they can be paid 5.oo and hour to help around the house. they only need to come for 1 - 2 hours. If you and her other friend can get the house in ok shape or you guide the girl then she would have someone to help her continuously. I did this with my niece to help organize my house we started with a small closet and took everything out and only put back what we needed the rest went to trash or donations. Is your friend depressed? Watch carefully, if you have health concerns for the family( infections from dirt ecoli etc...) you can get a social worker or call her obgyn anonymously to report your concerns. Another idea is for a bunch of friends to donate for a cleaning service for 1 time to several depending upon the gifts. Good luck.

This is really a hard one B., but I would not clean her house without her permission. Just showing up to clean it..... This may make her feel bad. It could come off judgmental. The problem is your one time clean isn't going to last long if this is her way. She probably just doesn't care.

On the other hand if it is so germy over there that you find it a risk......maybe you shouldn't worry too much about hurting feelings and gently broach the subject. It's really a hard call.

If you would like your children to play then you need to make excuses so that they only play at your house. If push comes to shove you may have to tell her why, but of course this will jeopardize your friendship and the friendship of the kids.

No easy answer I'm afraid.
Good luck.

B. i am so sorry, i have the exact situation, only if you can believe it, my inlaws. all that you said, plus dog poo/pee, it's just awful. my husband had to tell them (more than once, if you can believe THAT), that we would not bring our son over due to the house. it was humiliating but they chose to be that way. don't know how it might be different with friends, maybe make some more friends and your son might not notice if he doesn't go over there too much (maybe if it's less frequent you can get away with him coming to your house?). don't know how old your son is, but what about saying he saw a roach and is terrified of going back over?? lol. that would be mean. but it's an impossible situation. i feel you girl!