Friend's Miscarrage

So sorry.

How far along was she? That information would be important.

I miscarried at 11w. I don't know if it was a boy or girl. I forgot to ask, they didn't offer the info. The hole never closes. :(

Was she excited for this pregnancy?
Was it her first?

The hardest part of the miscarriage for me, was the silence. When you are expecting, it becomes the center of every conversation. So much so that it is all and only what some people will talk to you about. When it ends early, the conversations stop. The hugs and happiness are replaced with silence and stares. People don't know if they should mention it or not. They don't know what to say.

It's important to know that she is not alone. There are others that do understand. The odds are 1 in 5 pregnancies will be a failed pregnancy. After mine, ladies at work started stopping by and offering hugs and some words ...'when I had mine...' Sharing parts of their lives that we had never talked about before. Even though I had worked with them for years and through a different pregnancy.

I would send something now - flowers, a starbucks gift card, a little bag of Hershey's hugs.

At the coffee next week, talk about it. Listen. Let her vent, let her wander. Let her ramble. I would get her a small gift. Maybe a small charm or pendant. Something to mark the 'birth' day.

For me, every Sept. 30, I have a little cupcake in honor of the child I haven't met yet.

The nicest thing a friend did for me was to give me a box of herbal tea and a warm pair of wool socks. It made me feel so cared for.

It drove me crazy when people said things like "It just wasn't meant to be" or "It will happen for you." I know they meant to be comforting, but it felt like they were just making light of what had happened to us and the child we had wanted so badly.

I had multiple miscarriages, the only thing you can do is say I'm sorry. Actually for me it was worse when people "tried to make me feel better" There's nothing that helps so just say I'm sorry. Most people who said more like " it was probably a blessing" just made it worse and made me angry.

I too miscarried and I can tell you what "not" to do. Don't ignore it, make chit-chat etc. unless you're sure she has no desire to talk about it. I hated that people were uncomfortable and just chose to change the subject and act like it never happened. I am so sorry for her loss...

Basically, I just wanted someone to listen to me. I'm the type that works out things by talking to others. Your friend may be different- she may not want to talk about it at all. Just follow her lead and lend an ear if she wants to talk. Give her hugs and be a shoulder to cry on if she needs it. Don't say things like- "You can always try for another soon" or "I understand" (when you really don't). The thing I hated the worst was "There must have been something wrong with the baby" or "It's God's will". No woman that's miscarried wants to hear that kind of thing. Just nod your head and hold her hand and be supportive.
Hope this helps.

I agree with Sarah S! And yes, saying "it wasnt meant to be" and "it will happen" are phrases i would stay away from too. I have never had that happen to me either but i do have a special needs child and when people see how hard and difficult our autistic child can be they says things like "i dont know how you do it" or "god gives special kids to special parents" drives me NUTSO!! Good luck!

1) Ask her if she wants to talk about it. Some people want someone to talk to, some don't want to relive it. If she doesn't, have a happy change of topic ready to fill the gap.

2) Never say anything like "it's common early in pregnancy" or "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "its probably for the best because usually miscarriages happen when something is wrong with the baby". All of these things are true. But they don't make a women who just lost a baby feel any better (and many (most?) women immediately identify an early pregnancy as a baby, no matter how early).

3) Never imply that having a baby later will fill the hole in her heart of the baby she lost. Could one of your kids replace the other in your heart? Of course not.

4) Do - send a card. Regardless of if she wants to talk about it, if it were me, I'd appreciate the acknowledgement of my loss.

If you want to get something and you think she's the kind of person who would like it, an angel charm or pendant. Women who have lost babies at any stage usually refer to the baby as their Angel Baby.

I had a miscarriage once.
I told my closest friends.
But only because they asked how my pregnancy was etc.
....I would never have expected any of my friends to give me anything because of it the next time I saw them.
And... to be quite honest: EVERY SINGLE TIME, that someone asked me about it, it dredged up sad sad sadness about my miscarriage... again and again and again. So it was like I never could mend.
And so, I preferred not even talking to anyone... for a time. Until, *I* was okay with it and all the heavy emotions about it. I just needed my own time and space. NOT talking about it. Because each time someone asked about it or "how are you doing..." type thing (even if I know it was caring), it dragged my down again.
The only person I preferred to be around and talk about it was my Husband. It is such a personal thing. And he was having a hard time too. Its not only the formerly pregnant woman that is at a loss.

I had a miscarriage about 19 yrs ago. The saddness never really goes away. I sometimes wonder what the child would have been like or looked like etc. Losing a child whether this child dies in an accident at 3 - 5 - 16 or you never meet them as in a miscarriage hurts. Let her morn, ask if she wants a memorial ceremony or something to honor the child she lost.

My sister miscarried three times in a matter of a few years - we are very close and of course being her sister, I could just sit with her and not have to say anything. But I would basically just say "you can talk about it if you want" - that way, she knew I'd be ok if the whole time together was her talking, crying, getting it out - whatever helped.

After her third miscarriage - she was done trying - I happened to see a musical figurine with three little angels on it - of course when I gave it to her she cried, but she loved it. You can't say you don't want to remind someone of a miscarriage - the memory is always going to be there. Angels are a perfect way of remembering/thinking of them - in my opinion!!

Good luck!!

I have to agree with Julie G. Back in the days, like 1970s, it seemed if you had a mis you cried and moved on. Sad to say but miscarriages are more common than you think. Just be there for her if she wants to talk about it.
No need to buy anything.

Both of my sisters miscarried in the past year and it is so terribly sad.

My older sister lives in SC and I live in MD, so I ordered a huge bouquet of flowers for her. She LOVED them. They lit up her house and they stayed fresh for weeks. It amazed both of us. I have heard a lot of people say they don't like flowers when that happens because it reminds them of death, but it was the perfect thing for my sister and her husband, just letting them know we were thinking of them. I am not sure what else she got, but I know other people sent thoughtful things.

My baby sister lives 10 minutes away and when we found out she was going through the same thing, I got her family (her, her husband, and my 4 year old niece) a gift card to dinner. She really appreciated that. She also posted on a picture on my FB about wanting some cookies or brownies. I had time to make them for her, so we stopped by her house with a whole thing of brownies and dozen cookies. She appreciated that as well. Others gave her flowers, chocolate covered strawberries, cards, etc.

Be there for her, no matter how far along she was when she lost her baby. I am shocked that some people think this is an issue...she lost a baby, no matter how far she was. I don't think anyone would qualify their care and tenderness for a friend's loss based on whether someone's child was 3 years old or 10 when they died...why differentiate what you do based on this baby's age?

Moving on...

I'll echo what others have said and say be there for her. DO acknowledge her loss, even if it's just a hug and "I'm sorry." For me, when no one talked about it or pretended nothing was wrong (my child just died!!!) it minimized the loss as insignificant, as did attempted words at comfort others mentioned ("It's God's plan," "At least you weren't trying long," "You can try again soon," "There's a reason for everything," etc.). If she has other children, offer to take them for a morning or afternoon so she can let down the facade she puts on for the family. Or make a dinner/get a gift card to a restaurant (preferably with carry-out). Anything that makes her day-to-day a little easier, one less thing to think about, will be appreciated.

Thanks for being a good friend! That is more important than you can know.

First let me commend you on being such a good friend - for meeting with her and caring enough to seek advice on how to talk to her. Being there for her is the best gift you can give her! I too suffered the loss of a baby and no matter how early or late the loss, it is just that... a LOSS and grieving is necessary for health and healing in moving forward. From my own journey, I created a book and pillow as a tangible source of comfort to give a hurting mom. It is available at:
www.heavenborn.com

You can have it sent directly to her or have it sent to you so you can give it to her. If you decide to order one, let me know and I will do everything I can to make sure you have it so you can give it to her, if you like.
Take care and thank you again for your sensitivity to this difficult subject.
M.

I had an early miscarriage. I was very sad, but I quickly accepted it. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. They are natures way of making sure we have healthy babies. To me, this is a good thing. I'm sure I'd feel differently if I wasn't able to carry a baby to term, but, I say all of this because I don't think you should do anything. Listen if she needs to talk, but unless she was 12plus weeks pregnant, an ear should be sufficient.

I think it is safest just to ask "how are you really" and look her in the eye when you ask her. Give her a hug.
I know people meant well but I thought it was insensitive when people trying to give comfort would say... It wasn't meant to be or the baby would have been sick or you will have another. Someone else told me to look at it as a trial pregnancy... No it was a real baby.
You are being a great friend.

What about something like this? http://www.demdaco.com/With-Love/26182,default,pd.html?st...

willowtree.com has some BEAUTIFUL figurines for ALL occassions. I bet you could find something that would suit her.

I've never gone through a miscarriage, nor have any of my friends/family. I can only speculate.

If it was me, I would not want to talk about it.

T.,

As a W. who has suffered 3 miscarriages - the latest at 22 weeks - the best thing that friends did for me? Listen.

I didn't want flowers - they die. I didn't need another reminder of death. There are women who cherish the flowers and the bright colors, etc. I'm not one of them.

How well do you know this friend? If you know her very well? Flowers or a plant...

Hope this helps. I'm sorry for your friend. It's not easy.

I've never been through it, but I think as others have said being there is important.
Let her know you are there to talk about it, or not. Support at times like this means the most!

I'd simply let her take the lead in all conversation about the baby. She may not want to dwell on it and she may need a compassionate ear.

My sister lost a baby boy when she was 8 months along then lost twins when she was about 5 months along. Her husband was not one to listen and let her talk. She didn't have anyone. BUT when she got with her friends they all wanted to talk talk talk. She didn't. She wanted to only talk to her husband about it. Eventually she was able to have a daughter and then she was ready to talk about her losses.