Friend Situation - Long

I'd donate the gifts to charity and give up on this so called best friend. A best friend is someone who is there all the time, not when it is convenient for them.

Wrap the gifts up nicely and mail them with a lovely card from "aunt Jodi". Kids like to get this in the mail anyway.
I'm guessing you messaged her on facebook as well? if you haven't maybe she has something to say there. Sometimes people are more honest with their feeling when they have to write it down.
If it is really important to you set up a standing date (1st monday night of each month for a potluck dinner) or something like that.

I think it's time to recognize the friendship is over. I went through this a while back with a long-time friend. She was a similar person to your friend. I was busy working 60-hour weeks (still single back then) and we had made plans after one of my long work days. I was tired, but made the effort and was ready to go. She completely flaked out. I sat there waiting for her to arrive and she never showed. I left her a voice mail and she didn't call until the next day, and then she gave me some, "Oh, sorry about that, I forgot!" like it was no big deal, so I said, "This is a big deal. That wasn't ok. You couldn't call me last night to apologize once you got my message? I don't deserve that." It ended up being a turning point and our friendship improved.

However, years later, I've given up. I have tried many times to stay in touch and hear nothing in return, other than forwarded mass e-mails about friendship, thinking about you, etc. I decided this year that's it. I think even if you talk to her, you can't change her very nature. If she doesn't value your friendship, she's not much of a friend. Life is too short to keep those people in your life.

I would just donate your gift items instead and be done.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person or people involved; and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships, and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Purposely haven't looked at the other responses so it didn't affect my answer. My vote is to drop them off at the doorstep & move on. Hate to be cruel, but for whatever reason it sounds like she's not interested in maintaining the friendship right now & rather than dwelling on it/focusing on it, I'd just accept it for now. If she wants to rebuild later, that's fine, but for now it's time to find a better (and possibly less selfish) friend. So sorry to hear about your father, too - really hope he'll be okay! Take care!

Personally, I would drop her daughter's gift on her door step and give the rest of the families gifts to a charitable organization that would appreciate your kindness. I have had friends do this, too, and have learned to back off when they pull this stuff. Either she'll be back, one day, or she won't. Either way, you have been the real friend in this situation and should be happy with yourself. I know it hurts when a good friend does this, but people can be strange. BTW, I'm praying for your Dad and you. God Bless

Donate the presents to Salvation Army or some other charitable organization, and find a different friend. Sorry to be blunt, but this is almost exactly the same situation that I've gone through with my teacher friend that lives north of town. I know she is focused on her family and intense career, but after 2 summer breaks etc., and several declined invitations with no reciprocal invitations, I'd rather spend time nurturing healthy relationships. Something broke down and I figure she lost respect for me in some way. Its unfortunate. I thought we were close and could talk about anything. Lots of shared time. There are times that this saddens me, especially when I don't have anyone that I can think of to share that "friendship shoulder," but I pray about it and share those things with a God who always cares. He's sent other friends my way, and I busy myself with family and life...no dramatics...just let it go.
Just wanted to add: If there ever is a time when our lives intersect again, I feel confident that we could be friends again...but it takes two and it is just not time for this right now.

Sometimes friends drift apart. Sounds like this person has drifted away from you. She clearly isn't interested in spending time with you anymore, for whatever reason. I think dropping the gifts off on her doorstep is fine. I would bother with any message other than a note - "Here are those Christmas gifts I mentioned." Then I wouldn't bother initiating calls with her anymore. Either she will call you and make the effort or (more likely) she won't. No matter what, I think you should pursue other friendships. Someone suggested you develop friendships with people through your church or with other mom's from your child's playgroup - I think these are good suggestions.

Wow, how quickly these responders are to just cut out a friend from their life. That's sad.

You didn't mention if you've really said the things you've written here about needing her, missing her to her personally. Maybe that's all that needs to happen. Either write an e-mail, send a message via Facebook, write a handwritten letter, or try once again to call and talk with her about your feelings.

After that conversation, you may know better what's going on. Maybe she has issues in her family, too, that she's not being open about or maybe embarassed about (marital problems, child/parent relationship problems, health problems, etc.) Communication is key to every single relationship we have in our lives.

If she was/is a cherished friend of yours, then talk, forgive, start anew. Don't give up on her. If it turns out that the friendship is just not what she wants anymore, you know that you tried to salvage it, you've been honest and forthcoming, there's nothing more you can do but move on and pray for her to find another friend that was as good to her as you.

I'm sorry to hear about your father. I wish for you and your family better health and happiness.

It looks like you've gotten a lot of great responses. The only thing I wanted to add, is that I'd "hide" her from your news feed on Facebook. If you're going to have to let this friendship go, you don't need to add to your grief by being updated with every plan she has with someone else. You don't have to unfriend her, but when I've dealt with similar situations, it's helped not to have to know every detail of their life.

Give her space and time. She has probably been hurt for some reason and is not ready to tell you. I would probably back off a bit until she is ready to get abck with you. You could mail the gifts to the kids so not to punish them for adult issuses, but it's way past Christmas so it may not be a big deal to the kids anymore.
It is hurtful how your friend is handling herself but she may be going through something too. Give her time...
You could send a private messagae on FB so she at least know how you feel since that's her excuse. It's not as good as face to face, but you know. See how she responds. Good luck

I wouldn't drop the gifts off, that would make me feel worse. Leave the ball completely in her court. Don't call, don't try, and if she hasn't called you in a year, or commented on your facebook page, delete her from your friends list. The part you feel like telling her goes without saying. As far as the gifts for her daughter, you could probably mail them, but I would let a few months pass between that phone conversation and the delivery so that it can not be mistaken for spite, and include a nice note for her daughter letting her know what a wonderful girl you think she is.

Hopefully this helps and you find another shoulder to lean on.

You know what I would do? Just mail the gifts. That's all. Mail them. Get them out of your house so you aren't stepping over them all the time.

Then if you want to salvage this relationship, write her a letter. Tell her you miss her, you think of her often, and if you have offended her you are really sorry. Don't bring up anything negative and don't place blame.

Then let it go. Go enjoy your life and stay busy. If she contacts you, great. If she doesn't, well, she doesn't. Try not to think about it and move on.

I know it is hard, but sometimes life just cycles around that way and you need to do what is best for you which is to stay positive and have healthy thoughts. Don't bog down in this.

Good luck.
VickIS

I am so sorry that your "friend" treats you like this. I would drop the gifts on the step with a little note if it makes you feel better. You can say exactly what you are thinking. Call me if you ever find the time for me. If she calls then she got the hint, if she does not then she is not worth it. I have a very best girlfriend and we drift occasionally. That is so normal with daily life. We are never out of contact more than a few weeks and try our best to get together. This girl seems like she no longer respects the friendship. It seems to me that you deserve a better friend. You seem like a great person who is levels ahead of her :)

I think dropping them off would be a good idea - but I'd leave off the note. She might be going through a hard time right now, as well - and may just need space or might not know how to reach out to you. Then, unfortunately, I think you have to wait for her to make the next move.

In the meantime, find some people around you who you can relate to now. Do you belong to a church or do your children go to a playgroup where you can connect with other moms? Can you take a class once a week where you might be able to connect with other people who could meet your needs?

If you can get to a cancer support group, I'd also encourage that - most hospitals offer groups for family members who are coping with their loved one's cancer. That might give you an outlet for dealing with your father's cancer.

I hope that everything turns out alright - Hang in there.

Mail the gifts to her and be done with it. I have had friends like this. They are way too busy to contact me. I work full time, and have two kids. I always have time for a good friend. Maybe she's not your best friend. Maybe there is someone else out there with your same values that is! My "friend" would spare some time for me and then back out last minute. The last time I spent time with her, I met her at our mall, her idea and she showed up only to tell me her husand had changed her plans. She then looked at my 5 year old and told her that next weekend she could spend the night with her 5 year old. Sadly, that weekend came and went with nothing and my daughter was devistated. When I had my miscarriage, I never even heard from her. I knew she knew about it because I emailed her to tell her. Im done. I don't need "friends" like this. New friends are just around the corner. Open your eyes and you'll find them.

this is what i would do.
gifts have already been bought. put in a box and mail them to her and do not call her anymore. it sounds like, for some reason, she doesn't want to see you. you don't know the reason, and as long as you don't know what is going on, there is no need for you to fret over her behavior. sometimes, friendships just fizzle away. it's sad, but it happens all the time.
if nothing is going on, and she is just being insensitive, she will get the gifts, call you to thank you, and then you can ask: why are you avoiding me? if she still comes up with a lame excuse, it's time for you to leave her in the past.
good luck

I have to agree with everyone else. I've been in a similar situation. I had a best friend for a long time & once I got married it was like a switched tunred off. We'd make plans & she'd blow me off. She'd forget to call me back. There was always something. The friendship became one sided & I got tired of it so I stopped it. Didn't have a confrontation or anything. Just stopped calling & inviting. We are still friends & see each other every so often. She has realzied how poorly she acted but it's in the past. I miss what our friendship was but I have other girlfriends now who don't do that to me. So we are just on friendly terms now. She recently got married so I think she'd like to get closer again. Who knows.

As far as the gifts if you really want the girl to have them then take them over there. Wouldn't leave the note though other than just saying they are from you. Otherwise there are a lot of places that would love a donation.

I also agree with Sarah about finding something to get involved in where you can meet new people & make new friends. That will help you to move on.

I would get the presents to her. And make yourself available for friendship. I am quite possibly like your friend which maybe people think I am blowing them off, but I am absolutely exhausted at night and am overwhelmed by my job and my life. A lot of things have happened.I work in a school as a s-e teaching assistant and the work is horrendous. And I do not do lesson plans, or conduct the whole days of classes (although I have subbed so I know the stressor) and even though I do not like a lot of teachers these days, they seem to think they are supposed to be cold and snotty at work (don't tell) so they are not letting loose anywhere. It is quite possible this woman is overwhelmed and cannot share her burden with you.
On the other hand even if your husband doesn't 'do' buffets, why couldn't he have bent that once, or you just go? Sometimes we all bend a little.
You can however let her know upfront how you miss her. Sometimes people just do not realize. And what you take for a scoff, might mean she really isn't scoffing, she perhaps just tripped over the dog. She might with her two seconds left over in her life try to keep her husband and family, happy. I guarantee you on her playdates she is probably correcting papers, so perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt, otherwise think of it as a friendship that was wonderful while it lasted and now move on. And perhaps she's just a nasty human being that you never really noticed until you moved.

I say, just to make sure the little girl knows they are from your family to make the effort. Tell your friend you are going to come by for an hour and get the present opening done and them make her commit to a day and time, then make it an event of FB. That way it will show up on her home page for several days prior to the event. She will either have to RSVP: yes, she'll attend: no, she won't be attending: or maybe she'll be attending. You plan the event from your tabs on top of your profile page, in the center above where your information and the posts usually are.

Then cultivate new friends, this friendship is at the level of an aquaintance now. It's sad when this happens but distance and new circumstances are bound to happen to us all. That's what's so good about FB, you have that contact but it's not harmful, there are no expectations of real friendship...like going out to get a pop, or going shopping for groceries at the same time, loaning a shoulder, watching each others kids so the other one can have a nice quiet dinner with hubby, etc...those are the things real friends do for each other. FB allows the casual contact to keep aquaintances going.

P.S. If you are getting invitations to her playgroups why not respond and attend, then you can take care of the issue and get it over with.

It is very clear to me, she does not really want you in her life but has no guts to tell you so. If I were you, I would stop calling or making efforts to get together. Save the Xmas presents until November (there is always an empty spot in the garage to store them). if she has not contacted you by November, then just donate the gifts. True relationships are not forced, they just happen and flourish with the years, no matter how far or busy both parties are.

Move on. I wouldn't even bother dropping the presents off - I'm sure there are other people who could use them. However, if you feel you simply must give her daughter the gifts, just drop them off on her doorstep like you want, and forget about this so-called friend.

Find out when she is available and at home so that you can drop off the gifts. Hug her and the family and leave it at that. Best friends should be able to talk if there is an issue. It does seem like something is wrong, but you cant make her tell you. Hopefully things will turn around for you. I just said a prayer for your father and for you. I know how hard it is when you have an ailing parent. Take care.

.

Mail the gifts for the little girl with a break-up card for your "friend".

Forget about her. Your life will be easier without the hassle...

I hope your dad is doing well; that had to be hard to go through without a friend to lean on.

Dear Jodi:

I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, sometimes they just don't realize how incredibly rude they are acting. What I'd do is call her and tell her you're dropping by at X day and time that's convenient for you and dropping off the late Christmas presents. If she doesn't answer, just leave that message. If she does and says it's a bad time, that she won't be home, et cetera, just say that's fine, you'll leave them on the doorstep, period.

What I would NOT do is leave any sort of note about determine when you're ready for me in your life, et cetera. Keep it businesslike, you're just dropping off presents, period.

Wait for her to contact you. If the friendship is truly over, you will either get no response or a terse thanks and that's it. Then you can move on and your husband can stop tripping over the presents in his office.

If there still is a friendship this might shame her into contacting you, but from the sound of it I wouldn't hold my breath. Sometimes you just have to pick up and move on.

L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daughter

It sounds like she may not be the friend you need right now. You have grown apart - and it may not be anyone's fault. I would definitely drop off the gifts at her house with a sweet note saying that you miss her and leave it at that. Let her make the next move...it may not be in the cards for friendship at this point. She may be in a very different place. Don't feel bad - it may be circumstances outside of either of your control that have caused this parting.

Keep hanging out with people that are supporting you right now and have some fun!

I can say all this because I am old and have been through this with a bunch of girlfriends to different degrees...friendships ebb and flow as life changes, kids grow, jobs start and stop, etc. It is OK! It will free up some time for you to spend with other people who will appreciate it.

Mail the gifts and move on. As much as you will be disappointed she is obviously not your friend. I am so sorry for you dad's illness. I have been there myself, and those are the times when we find out who our true friends are. She apparently is shallow, busy life or not when a friend is in need you should find someway to be there for them. If distance is a problem then as you said she has time to post on facebook, she could pick up the phone.

Jodi,
You could either take them to her at school on her break, take them by her house and drop them off or mail them. I would probably mail them with a note that said something like, "Sorry that you are getting your Christmas gifts for Easter, but meeting up with your mom has been next to impossible. I wanted to let you know that I think of you often and hope you enjoy these gifts. I love you. Aunt Jodi." It may be time to find a new best friend. Wishing you, your family and your father the best.
A.

Yes from your description it sounds as if she is not much of a friend and has simply been blowing you off, however I've learned from experience that things are not always what they may seem and we never really know what is going on in someone else's life, even our best friend's. Instead of assuming the worst and saying something to end the friendship or put your friend on the defensive I would probably take a different approach. Firstly, since it's almost April already I would forget the Christmas present. I don't know how old her daughter is but she's probably either too young to even recognize that Aunt Jodi didn't send a present or if she is old enough to have realized it back at Christmas time she probably has long forgotten that you didn't send her anything by now. Then I would simply stop trying so hard to get together. Stay "friends" on facebook to keep updated but wait and see what she does. If a few months from now she reaches out to you then get together and if she doesn't explain the cold shoulder in some way maybe say something like "it's such a shame that we fell out of touch for so long" and see where that leads. At that point you can re-evaluate your friendship. There are so many things that could be going on (marital problems, a medical diagnosis in the family, financial troubles, etc.). Maybe none of those would be a good enough excuse for the way she's been treating you, maybe they would. I'm just saying that I wouldn't slam the door shut on the friendship, just take a break from your end and let her make the next move.

Good luck,
K.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you need to find a new friend to the your shoulder. She is completely self absorbed. A caring friend definitely would have called to check in on you when she learned of your Dad's cancer. As for the gifts, I would either drop off the gifts at her house or I would just "re-gift" them to someone else.

Go drop off the gifts & plan a visit in the summer after the end of the school year....

If you really want your friends daughter to have the gifts you bought her, then i would say, take them and drop them off at the door...NO note.... From what it seems like, you are making all of the effort and your friend is not. The fact that she has not been there for you while your father has had all of these health issues, tells me she is uninterested in continuing a friendship, for what ever reason. I would drop the gifts and make no further efforts to contact her. If she wants the relationship with you, then she will contact you. I hope it all works out for you.

Friendships are like seasons; some are long term and others for certain lengths of time. I say this because I too had a friend that we did everything together and after her daughter's wedding (I made the dress and no thank you) things feel apart.

So don't take it personally but she has moved on and you are not in her circle of friends any longer. If it is important for her daughter to have the gifts, send them in the mail or give them to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. Ask God to send you some new friends. Remember he does not close a door without opening a new one. It hurts like the dickens but you will be a stronger person for this change. Good luck and I will keep you in my thoughts. The other S.

PS Do find a cancer support group so that you can understand what is happening with your dad. You will be amazed at the people in these groups who will help you and may be a good new friend to you. Been there done that and am still doing this.

I'm sorry that your father has cancer. May God be with you during this difficult time. Your "friend" doesn't sound like a friend at all. Even if you drop off the gifts on her front door it doesn't mean she'll give it to her daughter or tell her who it's from. From your story I take it if you haven't seen her or her daughter since October. Let it go. It hurts losing someone you thought was a friend. For whatever reason she has moved on. You should too, and find another friend that will be a friend in return. As for your gifts, give them to some else who would appreciate them or donate the clothes to a shelter and the toys to a hospital. A lot of stores will also give you store credit if you take them back with tags. Good Luck.

Well it sounds like she is to busy for you, so sad. When you have a good friend you like to keep them. I think I would either mail the gifts or just open them and keep them, maybe even donate them. I really would not put myself out there anymore if she seems inconvenienced by your calls. You do not sound needy, you sound kind of upset at her actions. Maybe the friendship is over on her part. Sorry that she acted like this with you.

Mail them. It may be she was unable to buy gifts and feels that she can't show up without them. If she follows you on FB, you can express your worries, and concerns about your dad. Thank those that have been support for you and ask your friends to continue being there for you. Maybe then she will get the hint. Prayers go up for your dad.

I've had friends like that. We go from being best friends to nothing. Usually it happens when our lives don't intersect as much anymore. I make an effort, but have found that if I'm not right in their face demanding their time, I don't get it. I have a hard time demanding someone's time. I make effort, but if you don't reciprocate, I'm done. Every once in a while I will get a call or email from them out of the blue, usually when they can see me when it's convenient for them. But I am done with making things convenient for other people. When it comes to a friend that won't meet me halfway anymore, I make them go the entire distance. I don't go out of my way to accomodate them until they show me they care enough to make an effort on my behalf. I used to be the type of friend that went out of my way and did everything for my friends, but realized that most people dont return the favor. It hurts your feelings after a while. Now I make sure my relationships are more give and take and not all one sided. I am much happier that way.

If you really want her daughter to have her gifts (I would if it were me) I would do what you said- leave them on her doorstep still wrapped in their christmas paper. After that, balls in her court. If she still wants to be friends, she will find the time for you eventually. Hopefully she will have the decency to send a thank you message your way. You deserve friends that appreciate you and treat you nicely.