I know she is busy, has a huge family, etc. We were able to get together for 2 hours last week, after a whirlwind of her changing plans. I also know I need her now more than she needs me.
We fantasized about the five of us, our hubbies and my daughter, doing dinner.
I told her it would mean a lot if she saw my daughter.
She said she didn't expect a whirlwind of visits and it won't be doable this time. She is also pregnant so I understand her need to spread the wonderful news to as many people while she is here.
I'm still sad.
I need to accept all of this and stop clinging so hard to my core group. We are dispersed around the country and I should concentrate on forging new friendships where I am.
Right?
ETA: Not same friend as one who wants to stay with bf!!!!
Right. I used to be the one who went back "home". Sometimes I came away more stressed than when I went. Too many claims on my time.
ES, please get out there and find good friends. Or a good counselor. You need both. Way too much stress on you.
When I went to OKC from where I used to live I would have some time to do everything. I had to see my mom, my sister, my brother, any other relatives, a few friends if I could make the time and that was actually my biggest desire. I'd rather see them instead of visiting with my family.
Time goes so quickly when you're on vacation. Don't take this personal. She wants to see you and did try to make the time.
Right.
I was one who moved away. Over time, I stopped going back so often because the stress of trying to find time to see everybody and still being able to eat and sleep was too much for me. It was like a vacation to hell. I couldn't please anybody. Family members and friends always wanted more time than I could squeeze in, and when I had kids it was even more difficult. I decided if they wanted to see me, they could come to me. And some did.
Your friend did the best she could while being pulled in a dozen different directions.
I"m with the previous two. I moved away and going home is stressful. There are more people than there is time available. And even the people I do see, it doesn't seem enough. I hardly sleep - getting up early to squeeze in breakfast with someone... and I'm up late trying to find a few extra hours with my family.
Please don't take it as a reflection of your friendship.... There are plenty of people that I care about immensely that I couldn't even see.
Right!
You got together for a few hours.
That was enough.
Now go find some new activities and friends so you're too busy to have a lot of time on your hands wondering what your old friend is doing or who she's visiting.
You can do both. You need to make new friends in your neighborhood who can be there in a flash when you need them and who can make your everyday life a lot more fun. But you can keep your old friends too - they are the ones that you will always be able to talk to about anything and, who even with big gaps in when you see each other, will always be able to pick up where you left off like you'd seen each other every day.
I totally understand how sad you are. I would have really missed seeing a friend like that too, especially when she was there for a month. Unfortunately, she didn't make you a priority at the time, which is a sign about how she feels about the relationship. She might recognize your dependency on her and not want to be put in that position right now.
I think you kind of get it when you described it as "clinging" to your old group. Don't cling. Be their friend - let them lean on you as much as you lean on them. Try not to be too needy.
But definitely, make friends in your neighborhood. If your daughter is young, join your local MOMS Club. Here's a direct link to the one in the town listed in your profile: http://momsclubofhackettstownnj.shutterfly.com/
I made SO many friends through my moms club when I moved. It's a lifesaver!
I just responded to your other question.
Maybe (like me) your friend finds your husband's attitude regarding company and guests unfriendly and unwelcoming.
I'm sorry he has to be this way.
Maybe YOU can go see HER sometime soon, either take your daughter with you or leave her home for some "daddy time" while you have a nice, uninterrupted visit with your friend.
I too am one of the ones who goes back to visit. Unfortunately my long weekend visit has a hierarchy of who has to be seen, and since most people only see my kids MAYBE once a year, my parents, my inlaws, my grandmother and the aunts and uncles all have to come first. And nobody wants only a half hour visit with the kids, and of course nobody lives less than about 30 min from each other. Add to that multiple groups of friends that want to be seen, it means that many dear friends of mine unfortunately get left out.
huh? did you not just post about not wanting her to stay at your home? now she's gone?
Why not spread your wings to find other friends that have common interests like you - kids your age, etc.?
It is okay to reach out and learn something new! Meet new people!!
Right. Remember the old camp song - "Make New Friends but Keep the Old"?
I'll tell you about a friend of mine. We used to live in the same town. We're great at e-mail and FB - it's mostly e-mail because we do some serious sharing - and if I ever have a chance to go out to visit her (she lives several thousand miles away now) we have a great time. We are truly friends. When she comes back here... I don't see her, and I don't expect to see her. She has children and grandchildren and lots of friends and... something's got to give, and it's me - by my suggestion. It takes pressure off her. Sometimes friends show their friendship by giving up time together. Happily, we can do that; we aren't joined at the hip.
I've been on both sides of this, and I think you are making 1 conclusion that isn't right. Just because your friend had limited time to visit on her trip is NOT a reflection on how important your friendship, or how much she needs you as a friend.
I don't live in my hometown. When I visit, I'm expected to see my family. And often I don't get to see old friends at all. When I do get to see a friend, it's only for a few hours. And I usually only get to see 1 friend per trip, even though I have several friends there who are important to me.
This week, I'm on the flip side of the coin. A dear friend is in town, and I haven't seen her in a few years. A few weeks ago when we talked, we said we were going to try to get together with our 2 families and how great it would be. But it's her niece's baptism and it turns out her family is keeping her crazy busy, and I won't see her at all. It's ok. I know she has family obligations, and her crazy schedule is not a reflection on the strength of our friendship.
So, keep your friendship strong in others ways. When she gets home and is calmer, call her and have a long talk about your lives and everything that you would have said in person. Send each other pictures of your kids. You can still be close friends even when life gets crazy.
And of course it's great to have local friends. But in this world of FB, skype, etc, I don't think that you have to assume that you need to see people in person to remain good friends.
Is this the same friend that wanted to stay with you???? If so, maybe you should be upset with your husband, not your friend. She tried.
It kind of sounds like my husband and me when he was in the military. We had traveled God knows how many thousands of miles and there was always one relative that wanted us to travel another 3 hours. We told them that we would be x and y at what time and place. They could come and see us. We couldn't afford to travel more sometimes with the kids.
Besides that we had two sides of the family to see his and mine and it was always a fight as to when we would see mine but I made sure we did.
So the best thing would be to make new friends where you are and to keep the old ones and speak to them when you can. She did make a two hour effort. There are times when have to let go and know that they still care and will be there but not on the main burner but a back burner.
I am sorry you feel this way. But remember life is not fair. And it is how we react to things like this that make us stronger for the future.
A big hug to you.
the other S.
Right.
It's hard, but friendships evolve.
Your friend did make the time to visit with you for 2 hours. You are still important to her, but you may need to lower your expectations on the attention you get when she is visiting. She has lots of obligations (true and also imagined) when she visits home. And there will be more demands on her time when she brings her baby. Don't have any expectations and you won't be disappointed. Keep in touch by email, text and phone. My kids live out of state now but when they come home for a few days, we usually throw an open house for about 4 hours and invite family and friends to come here to visit. We supply light refreshments all day. They get to see so many more people than trying to pack up baby's things and go house to house to visit. Some people come and stay the whole time and others just stop by to say hello and catch up. The guests also get to catch up with each other!
You made an observation that you need her now more than she needs you. Since she is not able to fulfill your needs, you are right to try to find new friendships. Start with a moms group in your area or a church group. Good luck!
It sounds like me a little, mom. I'd go visit and run around trying to see everyone - wore me out! I'd write an itinerary and try my best to keep to it. I felt that it was better to see everyone for a little bit of time than to leave people out and hurt more feelings.
For my friends who come through where I am, I look at it in the way that I am lucky to be on THEIR travel list, and will "take what I can get" of their time. I hug them lots, thank them for being with me, and look forward to the next time.
When we were moving around during my children's younger years, I sang them this song: "Make new friends, but keep the old ones - one is silver and the other gold!" Don't stop clinging to your core group. Love them the same, (the gold friends) but expand your circle with new friends (the silver friends). You never have to give up friends to make others!!
