Friend Concerned About Her Daughter's Interaction at Daycare

I say go with instinct. If she wants to pull her out then she should. All 9 months old play by themselves unless there interacted with. Plus at nine months I think it would be better to have her with her in laws. Shes still a baby. Once shes like two she can worry about interaction with other kids all day long. Right now she just needs someone to love on her and give her attention not be critical. I say leave her at home with the in laws. I wish I had that option.

Hi there M.. ;o) As a provider myself I can tell you that few providers do daily or weekly evaluations on children. I myself do not because it takes away from the general attention of the children. However if I see that a child is lagging in a general part of their normal development I will document it and email the parents with my concerns. This is where the Infant and Toddler people step in and take over the situation.
Children do not discriminate in regard to race unless they are taught to. All they know is they are playing with another child. So I do not think your friends child is not interacting with children because of the color of their skin. I think she is not interacting because she is an infant and they do a lot of self play and exploration. Anyone would know that. I don't think you can compare an infant to toddlers running around playing.
I hope that your friends provider explained her evaluation of the child. Communication is very important within any daycare setting. It is also important that she knows how your friend feels. The communication door swings both ways. The child will adapt because all children do, they are so resilient. However if your friend has issues with the daycare or the provider no one will be happy. Please express to her that she has to be very vocal because that is her child.
I can also say that infants do not belong in daycare centers. I do not say this because I am a home provider. I worked in centers years ago and the infants are the most neglected children in those places. What I saw in my experiences in centers appalled me. Infants belong home with a parent, with a trusting family member or in a home like daycare. I honestly feel that is what is best because in a center they are a number not a developing baby with needs.
Best of luck to you and your friend. The children will be fine. :o) ~Jilly~

I have done in home daycare for 24 years and I see this very often, the provider should never have wrote a report that way most all young children who start in daycare for the first time will tend to play alone or be fussy it is all new to them she should try to interact with the child and help her to ajust. the provider should try playing or reading to the children in a group its up to the provider to get the child involved playing with the other chilren.I dont think being the only white child has anything to do with the problem,and 6 days is not enough time to be makeing any judgements on how a new child acts,after all most young children are put in daycare to learn how to play with other children.

Has your friend cared for her exclusively or had only family members take care of her in a one on one setting up til now? When my son went to a home daycare, he was overwhelmed by the unfamiliar setting, more people than he was used to, and the unfamiliar people. He hated it and had trouble sharing, interacting, and warming up to the providers. Socially there was nothing wrong with him, it was separation anxiety and the fact that the only people he was comfortable around was us and family members. If her daughter isn't ready, she shouldn't push her into that kind of situation. Gradual introductions with the parent present (playgroups, partial days at unfamiliar places, and things in small amounts) will help greatly. My son is 3 1/2 now and still doesn't like me to leave him, but is okay and plays well. Some kids just really want to be around their moms and that's good! There will come a day when she will be over anxious for her to leave, so tell her to enjoy it and do what she can to accomodate her.

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Thanks, R. Gagnon

Hi M.,

I used to work outside the home and had my mother-in-law watch my children and it was the best thing, besides staying home myself, I could have done. I think it's best for children to stay with people they are familiar with. There are other things that you can do to promote interaction with peers like playdates, gym classes, music classes, things like that. And these could be Mommy-and-Me classes which will also promote interaction with Mommy!

If I were her, I would pull her out because it almost sounds like she's pushing her out anyway. If her parents are willing to babysit, and she's willing to let it happen, I would do it.

I'm staying home now with my kids and do some work here to help with the income. I love being here with my kids. The next best thing is the Grandparents in my opinion.

Hope this helps!
K. C

Hi M.,

At 9 months, a child doesn't care if someone is a different color. They usually only demonstrate parallel play, not interactive play. If she's involved with interactive play with your daughter, maybe it's because she knows her but you also state that "when they stray . . . we pick them up and put them to play together again." I, personally, wouldn't force it--let them independently explore then find their way back to each other. (I have this opinion because it's the natural way children are.)

I agree with you that a (written?) progressive report after 6 days is premature. A "conversation of concerns" might be appropriate but I think the provider's concerns are unwarranted for the reasons stated in the first paragraph: Children this age are most likely to engage in independent (parallel) play. BTW, for son's 1st year and half, he was in a playgroup with 10--yes, ten!--children his age, give or take 3 months either way, so very close in age. The kids would very rarely play together, more likely trying to get the same toy. They all knew each other from about 4 months of age and met weekly, so they knew each other well. They STILL did not engage in interactive play on a regular basis until 1 1/2 - 1 3/4 years. That's normal. And for the provider to say the pacifier is her best friend? Sounds normal! Let's recap . . . She's 9 months old, in a new environment with new people for only 6 days and she's TRYING TO PACIFY HERSELF!!! Hmmm . . . The child also becomes fussy after a few minutes of playing by herself? What is the provider doing to make the child feel comfortable? I know, with other children to care for, she can't play with "the new child" all day, but she has a responsibility to ensure this child feels connected and part of the group, as best a 9 month old can feel.

As for your friend . . . Did she speak with references from the provider before leaving her child there? Why doesn't she just join a mother's group to let her child get interaction with other children? It's ok (if they're willing) for her parents to be the sole care providers while she's at work. The mom can join a group (or Grandma can) and Grandma can take the child to playgroups. (I'm a co-leader for Mothers & More-Dover and we allow this. www.delmoms.org) This isn't a plug for M&M, as I'm sure other organizations would allow this, too. She could also join the YMCA, grandparents can take the child to story time at the library, etc., and get interaction with other kids. If interaction is your friend's main reason for alternate day care, I'd suggest she find another provider.

Hmmm, I think I'll get off my soapbox now! : ) I hope something here is helpful for your friend. She sounds like she is very sensitive to her daughter's needs and is doing everything she can to socialize her, as well as surround her with people who will have her best interests in mind. I wish her luck in achieving these goals!

D.

M. i don't see anything unusual about this report. in fact, i command the provider for putting it in writing. a lot of providers don't do that, even though they're supposed to. the doctor part is not that. it's providers opinion. she seems to be wanting to be on the same page with the parents, which she should. also kids even at 3 years old don't notice colors. trust me on this.
now, for a child to be playing alone is again normal. mine have been in preschool for a while now and they still could care less about playing with others. while one of mine always has a great time there the other one gets fussy. it's just their personality.
i will however say, i have never considered an in home provider. i have too many fears about them. i'd rather have my kids in a setting with lots of teachers and classes and a director in place in case something happens. at the place my kids go to, they get evaluated all the time, physical and learning abilities and knowledge. i love the fact that they take the time to monitor kids growth.
tell your friend to give it a chance for a month or two. it's only been 6 days. most kids take months to get sued to a different environment with unfamiliar faces. it will either get better or it will go downhill. that's when she needs to consider pulling her daughter.

I wouldn't worry about the race/color thing - kids are pretty much blind to those kind of details until they are older and can focus on something besides theirselves.

I've used both in-home daycare and the larger child care centers/preschool and I would say that the progress report seems premature, but the provider might be looking to establish a baseline to measure the child's progress with. Not a bad thing in and of itself. Personally I value a provider who is taking the time to write this kind of stuff down for me - often I'm in a rush to get in/out of there and trying to pay attention to my DD, so I don't have time to have long conversations with her. Also, one place I had her in, getting information out of them was like pulling teeth and a large part of the reason why we moved her out of there and into a different preschool.

The reason for the 'doctor' type assessment might be as simple as that is the pre-made form the provider is working with - maybe she got it from a book or from the county's oversight/licensing agency. Our home daycare provider has a 16-page typed contract that goes into details about vacation days and discipline styles as well as payment/late policies and sick policies - extremely thorough! - and I was taken aback when I first saw it, but she's been doing home daycare for over 13 years and at some point got it put together for her. It works fine, but I was surprised by it. Tell your friend not to get miffed at the 'doctor' like comments but instead to see her daycare provider as a partner - and talk to her!

As for the interaction thing, I totally agree with the other posters here - kids that age don't actually play together. At best, they'll play with toys while near each other, but they aren't actually playing with each other. At worst, they are trying to take the toy another kid is playing with, which causes some interesting moments. = ) She might be getting fussy after only a few minutes because she's still adapting to the new environment, or it might just be because kids that age have an attention span of less than 5 minutes.

Regarding the pacifier comment, hey, every kid soothes themselves differently. My 4 year old is a thumb-sucker and still going strong. My 4-month old loves her pacifier, and her care provider has mentioned it. = ) I've seen other kids who have to have multiple pacifiers with them at all times (my boss' kid had to have 5 in order to sleep at night - one in mouth and two per hand.) The point being, that a) a kid in a new environment who soothes herself with her pacifier isn't a bad thing and it shouldn't be unexpected if she's using it a lot, and b) every kid is different and maybe the provider hasn't had many pacifier babies before.

Before pulling her daughter from the daycare, I would give it at least 3 months - to give her a chance to settle in and get comfortable in the environment. Regardless of all of our opinions however, the main thing is that your friend should feel comfortable talking to the day care provider about anything to do with her daughter, and that includes the 'progress report' - she should ask what a good time would be to call and talk to the provider to discuss the content of the report, not in a defensive way, but just to get more details about the comments and the provider's intent behind them.

Good luck to your friend!

Hi. I had my daughter in an in home daycare for a few months and (between the age of 4 months and 11 months)thinks weren't working out, so I placed my daughter (11 months- 14 months) in a regular day care center. For the first 3 weeks my daughter did not want to interact with any of the other kids, she didn't want to eat, and she cried all the time. She just wanted to be by herself. The teacher noted her behavior, but didn't force her to interact with anything until she was ready. As hard as that is for a mother, you have to allow your child to get comfortable with the situation. The environment was completely different from what she was use to. Her behavior was normal. After she got comfortable with the kids, the teachers,the routine----She loves it. She has so much fun with everyone.