Frequent Weekends

When he gets home next Friday hand him the baby and let him know YOU are going on a weekend trip. Then do it, take off for a few days. All the talking in the world won't bring it home like giving him a taste of his own medicine.

"I work all the time too". I'm going out of town this weekend. Here's the baby, figure it out".

Alot depends on why he is running away, (yes, he is running away).

If being a parent is more work than he anticipated and he is trying to recapture his carefree childless days, he needs someone he respects to set him down and tell him what a real man is (a supportive partner and equal parent). This could be a friend, pastor, or even his own father.

If he thinks that being a mom is easy and that he has earned the r and r, I would make my own weekend plans. Tell him that you had special plans this weekend and you need him free. When friday rolls around, hand him the baby and any instructions he might need and leave. I doubt it will take the whole weekend for him to get a clue what you have been going through but you need to be sure he can't call mama in to take over and do all the dirty work. Meanwhile, get a hotel room or stay with a friend and get some much needed rest

What's wrong with this man that he's taking off every weekend? Is he afraid of parenting? Is he resentful of the baby? What's wrong with the uncle or whoever else he's going off with that they don't realize that his place is with you and his child?

Stop nagging but only because it doesn't work. I would sign up immediate for marriage counseling and for some personal growth therapy for yourself so you can be more assertive. I also would plan an overnight for myself and hand him the baby, and just leave. Really. You don't have to ask his permission, you don't have to be the only one doing child care. If you are nursing, pump enough breast milk to freeze so he has plenty for feeding the baby, and leave.

So what if he "works all the time"? So do you!!! "He's entitled to fun"? Yes, that should be his fun downtime on weekends with his wife and baby! The only way for him to respect you and what you do and how hard it is to raise a baby alone (which is what you are doing) is for him to have to do it himself. If you can't bring yourself to go overnight, then put the baby in the bouncer next to his side of the bed first thing in the morning, get in the car, and leave for the day, at least 8 hours. Do nothing about diapers or formula or any instructions - let him figure it out. The only thing you should provide in advance is something that only you can do - and that would be breast milk. Otherwise he's just as capable of parenting and caregiving. If he's lost and has to get help from a neighbor or his mother or his sister or the aunt who is the wife of that favorite uncle, FINE.

No one can take advantage of your without your permission. Don't put up with this neglect.

Sounds like you could use a "weekend trip"!
Plan O. & inform him which weekend he needs to be a dad.
After all...what's good for the goose....

What you're describing sounds like immaturity and childishness.
I'd expect more support, help & family weekends.

It doesn't sound to me like you're sitting around feeling sorry for yourself! It sounds to me like he's running away from responsibility. I'm sorry. Any new mom deserves her husband full support!

Mattcraz,

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Congratulations on your baby! I'm sorry you are going through this. Some men experience postpartum depression too after babies are born. They weren't expecting the late nights, being tired, crying, diaper changes, no sex with the wife, the list goes on and on.

You are trying to communicate with him. He's not really listening. Find someone you trust to watch the baby and go out with your husband.

Another thing you can do?? Invite your girlfriends over...since it appears he's going to take off every weekend??? Bring the girls over for girl-time - get some big bowls and nail polish and do pedicures!! Or popcorn and a movie...just don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Take care of you too!!

I'd also get marriage counseling or have your husband checked out for depression...it happens to men too!!

Good luck!

Is he going hunting? If so, you're not alone. The term is hunting widow and you will likely find many you can sympathize with. I grew up in the country and thought this situation was ideal. He goes and gets the thrill of the hunt, you get a break, and maybe some bonus meat in the freezer.
Mine works all the time and comes home cranky. I tell him he needs to make some friends, lol.
I say you're doing the right thing by telling him how it makes you feel, but if it really bothers you then you need to have a deeper conversation and try to reach a compromise. One weekend a month? EOW? Only during hunting season?

I would be questioning what kind of "man" I married. That sounds excessive to me, especially with a newborn.

I'd get marriage counseling - ASAP - and don't feel guilty. If anyone should feel guilty it's him.

JMO.

Good evening. I appreciate what you wrote and want to respond. First and foremost, congratulations on your new baby! Second, having a child before during and after is an incredible feat; which is why God has intended not to do it alone. This may not be your fist child and you may be in an experienced marriage but you really are entitled to more of his time and effort. It sounds like you were trying to allow him some space. You are very thoughtful and seem kind and giving. All these things said; you deserve his time and he is supposed to put you above all others. This one is tough to understand if you have other children as well because often couples seem to put their children first and their spouse second. Always put your spouse first and everyone else next.
So I have to admit a few things come to my mind in this scenario that could all be a figment of imagination but one thing is certain, he is practicing a little selfishness and to be honest all of us can be guilty of this however now is not a time that it should be excused or looked over. Having children is where we truly learn what selflessness is.
If this is your first child he honestly could be freaked out and doesn’t know how to handle himself. If this is your second child he could be afraid of what he went through during your first child, “taking a hike” during a well-known time. He very well could be having an affair but that isn’t something you can worry over right now. Everything said, communication is key and it sounds like you did your part. I would try again, and again. Sometimes men can be thick and don’t really understand the impact of what you express. It is really important that you don’t beat around the bush with your feelings. If you tend to be more passive try communicating through an email or text. Obviously talking in person is best but if you struggle to make a point in person you might try it in printed text. If it is important to you it will be important to him, however you chose to communicate don’t give up doing so. Also, try not to show anger but be confident. If his absence is hurting your feelings, or making your life hard he needs to know that. He needs to hear you say you NEED him. In some cases people can feel replaced by others i.e. a baby. A baby obviously needs your unending attention; some men don’t cope with that very well.
I don’t know enough about your situation to speculate much more but here are a few things I wanted to share. Your spouse needs to put your first. Having a baby and taking care of a baby is the hardest thing you will go through. If you don’t have the support you need it will feel hopeless. Sometimes men can be vulnerable even at times when they should be their strongest. Always communicate, and if that doesn’t seem to work, try communicating in a different way restate it. Lastly if something is important to you it should be important to your loved ones around you. Finding our voice and maintaining our grace is hard. I don’t know if any of what I said is helpful but I truly feel for you. Not much else could feel worse in your time of need. Best wishes, feel free to PM me if you want to. Take care! - Desirae

You didn't say how old the baby was, but I would be very angry if my DH left me repeatedly with a child and stopped telling me when he was going and just left anyway. Not that my DH truly needs "permission" but I'd like to know in advance if my husband was not planning on being home. Maybe I'll visit my sister. Maybe *I* wanted to go out that weekend and he needs to be home with our child. Etc. He can't let down his uncle, but he can let you down? Repeatedly? I think you and he need some serious discussions about what it means to have a baby and to be a present father and husband. If talking doesn't help, then find a professional to help you learn to talk to each other. Not at each other.

I am glad that he seems to be listening. You can certainly sympathize with the new father. He has a lot of new things, too, but if he's been hands off with the baby, make him hands on - this will give them bonding time as well as confidence in fatherhood. Maybe have him check out a site like Daddy Doin' Work to see how other men manage children.

Try to find a way to look forward to the time alone. Host a Girls Night Out with one of your pals and her child. Use that weekend to pamper yourself with a bubble bath and manicures. Order out and not cook for the whole weekend, etc. I think I'd relish the time!