Four Year Olds Fears Are Wearing Mom Thin

Maybe this won't just "pass" if you don't get some help. I don't think this is normal. Instead of explaining it away because of a,b,c etc., talk to the ped and ask for a referral to a specialist to help you navigate this.

Dawn

Instead of focusing on his fears, ask him what makes him feel brave. Focusing on fears just makes them grow. My daughter surrounded herself with things that made her feel brave, stuffed animals, etc.

Take him into one of the rooms in the daytime and just sit with him. Talk about the room. Have him go around and touch things in the room. If necessary, let him sleep on the floor of your room. We did that with my daughter. She eventually got tired of sleeping on the floor and wanted back in her bed. Instead of making him feel bad for his fears (and they are irrational but you can't reason with them) then make him feel as safe as possible.

My daughter was unnecessarily scared of the dark. We had to put night lights all over the house. I got some of those battery-operated touch lights and she liked those.

You could also try enrolling him in Martial Arts. It's wonderful for self-confidence and discipline. I've seen many young ones become more confident through Martial Arts. Internal confidence will help him with his fears. They have wonderful classes for 4 year olds. You could even enroll with him :)

hm. yes, this is beyond normal childhood fears, isn't it? it sounds as if you have been handling it calmly and with much common sense, but since this isn't rational, it's not enough to overcome this mountain of anxiety.
it's probably something that would seem small to an adult, but is overwhelming to your little guy (a book or picture or overheard comment), but because he can't logically suss it out, i think getting a little help evaluating the situation is in order here.
good luck, mama! let us know how it goes.
khairete
S.

You say it's beginning to "get overwhelming." I take it you mean it's overwhelming for YOU. But please, please try to start to think a little like four-year-old. You're an adult and are on the verge of telling this child, "Just get over it!" But he can't, not without your help, and it's help you seem very reluctant to keep giving.

First, remember: He is four. If he has older siblings you may feel especially ready for him to "catch up" to them in maturity so you can move on from the coddling stage, but he's not ready for that yet; please do not expect more than he is really ready to give yet. At four, he is not long out of toddlerhood, frankly, and not yet ready to strike out on his own with kindergarten.

Have you sat down with him -- NOT when he is upset but when things are calm and good -- and talked with him and tried to draw out what he really is afraid of here? Have you mostly just reassured and reassured or have you curbed the desire to tell him "It's OK" and just listened to him express the fears?

You moved recently. That is huge for a kid this age and maybe you're expecting him to be OK by now with the move but he is not. How about exploring things like: Is there something about his bedroom that disturbs him? Shadows when it's dark (even nightlights can throw weird shadows and be more scary than comforting)? Noises that were not present at the other house? Lights from cars coming down the street, which bounce off his walls at night and freak him out? Was he previously sharing a bedroom with a sibling but now is in a room alone? There could be a lot going on in his head at night, and during the day too as he dreads his scary bedroom. He may say at first "It's all fine" but remember -- kids this age REALLY want to please mom and dad and are often told to "be a big boy" and that makes them reluctant to confess that noises scare them, or they want their brother back in the room, or those weird lights are upsetting. You may have to check out his room in the dark and find out what it's really like -- from his perspective, not an adult perspective.

Is he in day care and did that change too? Or did his brothers go off to preschool or school when they didn't before? Any change, even one presented as positive, can upset a child this age - no matter how often he might have said "I'm so happy about the new house/my own room/sharing with my brother/whatever" he might now be feeling the loss of the old house more.

You "tell him all the time that the house is safe" but it isn't working because...he's four. His mind knows mostly what it sees and feels and being told things are "safe" does not mean much to him because he probably doesn't really know what he thinks is so "unsafe," he just FEELS that way. You may have to just tough out this phase with a lot more patience than you seem to have right now. Please definitely don't call him a baby (or let his brothers do that), or tell him to "be a big boy" because that could make him hide his feelings more -- and if he has to deal with them all alone it will only make them worse, not better.

Establish a ritual with him: Walk through the house together and check all the doors; look wherever he fears things are hiding; use "monster spray" (water in a spray bottle that you let him decorate and label) in those dark corners; give him a special thing to shout at things that scare him ("I'm safe, you're gone!" or whatever he makes up); and end each walk-through with a huge hug and a lot of praise for him for facing those fears. It may work at times and not at others, especially iin the night when he wakes up afraid. But give him a little more power over it with some rituals, and at the same time don't keep saying "it's safe" constantly or that loses any meaning for him; try saying, "I can see how it's pretty dark in that basement, what do you think we should do about it?" or "I really understand, I think that noise is weird too! Let's go see what's making it!" He needs soe acknowledgement of his fears and some help investigating them.

This will pass but it's not passing soon enough for you. Please keep his age in mind and expect him to have these fears for a while. He needs you to acknowledge and talk about them rather than saying "it's safe" when that means little to him right now.

I have two anxious kids - one was young like your son and the other 10 years older and the concept in this book "The Anxiety Cure for Kids" http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Cure-Kids-Guide-Parents/dp/...

really helped. With my 4 year old we applied the concepts together and got him through the worst of it, for my older child we also needed help from a therapist.

The basic idea is that you imagine the worries in your head are a dragon, and you are a wizard. Listening and giving in to the dragon gives him power. You have the power over the dragon to ignore his worries and replace them with your own positive messages and actions.

For example, my son (then 4) had separation issues and hated the first day back at preschool after a long weekend. So we practiced telling the dragon that no, he wasn't' afraid, he really liked school, that he was looking forward to snack time, or free play, or seeing his friends and that the dragon was definitely wrong, mommy always came on time to pick him up.

My son is now 11 and recently asked for some help thinking of things to tell the dragon after recently seeing a scary movie trailer - repeatedly - on TV (WHY are those things allowed during kid shows???). And we successfully came up with things to say back to the dragon so he could fall asleep.

It is a lot of work and I had/have a hard time not taking it personally sometimes - I mean - Kid! do you REALLY think I'd leave the grocery store without you?? REALLY? So lots of deep breaths on your part and good luck.

Just keep doing what you are doing. It may turn out that he has generalized anxiety disorder. Therapy can help give him ways to cope with his anxiety. He may be a little young for that though. I would ask your ped when you should seek counselling.

His anxiety issues are getting bigger than you can handle on your own. Take him to your pedi and get a referral for a therapist who specializes in these issues. They will help him figure out how to cope with him anxiety and help you create a home suited to his temperament.

My youngest suffers from anxiety, so I know how frustrating it can be!
I had a book which was extremely helpful, called "How to Help Your Anxious Child." I can't remember the author but you can probably find it on amazon.
The most important thing to remember is that his fears, however irrational they are, are very real to him. The book had really great exercises and strategies to help you help him. Good luck!!!
ETA: if he continues to behave this way please consider getting a referral to a therapist. My daughter needed therapy last year when her fears got to be more than either of us could handle, and it made a HUGE difference!

Start recognizing his accomplishments and avoid using words and phrases about growing up, getting older, maturing..

Instead concentrate on the actual situations.
Wow, good choice of shirt. I like. That one. I like how patient you were while I got dressed.

I like how you took your plate to the sink, without me Telling you..

At the grocery store, have him fetch items for you. Honey my hands are full. Please pick put 3 red apples and 3 green ones.. Here is a bag.. Wow good job. You just saved me 2 minutes.. Which aisle is the bread aisle? I like how you have a good memory.

Almost say these things like a peppy cheerleader.
All of this positive recognition, will begin to give him confidence for what he can do. He will enjoy this good attention.

When he has a melt down use very few words very few emotions.
I can tell you are upset.. Let him Stand at the door while you work on the car. Then let him stand there in the cold in just his pants. If he starts whining about how cold it is, remind him, if he would put on his shoes and clothes.. Or go inside and watch through the window, he would not be cold. Later. You can ask him, what can you do so you are not cold? When he says, I could get dressed, tell him, great idea!..

Take away the reaction to his negative behaviors and recognize the positive,

At night walk him back to his bed, without a word.. Do this over and over..

Or allow him to sleep on your bedroom floor with HIS pillow. Children do not get sore sleeping on hard surfaces.. So sleeping on the floor is not a big deal.

Hang in there... I know it is had.. Yes a phase..he just needs some positive recognition.

When my kids had fear like this, although never to this degree, I would show them nothing is there and remind them that God is watching over them and taking care of them. I don't know your beliefs but that did help and sometimes we would pray and ask God to help them not be afraid. Also don't make this easier by acting like there is a reason for the fear, etc. I would say there is nothing there and you are safe now stay in the house. That sometimes cuts this much shorter. We moved to a house one time that had a long hall that ended at nothing due to the house being added on at that point. We somehow called it the 'dead hallway' meaning dead end. Well, years later one of our kids told us they were terrified to go in that area of the house thinking the 'dead' meant someone died there or something very awful. We never even knew they felt that way. So talk about it and how fears are there but not to control us. I know he's four but we have a good book on emotions and fear is included. I think it's helped the kids/grandkids both with knowing we can feel that way but how to deal with it. At any rate he should get over this as you all adjust to the new house but he will need help in order to not let this keep going on and controling his life.

trying not to think about all the ghost stories I read last month.... but I am thinking that there is probably something spooking him pretty hard in his room. Your best bet for figuring out what it is: lie in his bed in the dark when he normally goes to bed. Any weird shadows outside, like from a tree or streetlight? Strange noises inside from something like a furnace or water heater? What do the pipes sound like when the toilet flushes? The walls are paper thin in my current house and even I get spooked if I hear something and can't immediately figure out what it is. Spend time in his room, and around the house, looking around and listening with 4 year old eyes. Have him help you investigate, make it sort of a fun challenge to solve the mysteries of the new house, and he should start to feel more in control and calmer with new knowledge.

I would talk to your pediatrician.

That said, I know you're going to get advice from all over the spectrum on this. Some will insist that you acknowledge his fears as valid and fight them with something (Monster Spray or night lights). Some will say that you do your best to show him that his fears are NOT valid. Make them seem small and insignificant...so much so that HE thinks that they aren't worthy of being feared.

I'm with the latter camp. When my youngest told me he was afraid of the dark (his older brother never did), I told him "You're 5 years old and have slept in a dark room for your entire life. You aren't afraid of the dark because there's nothing in the dark to be afraid of. Now go to sleep."

But it might not be that simple for you...because your child is not in the "talk to him rationally and he will respond rationally" stage. He is truly SCARED. And when we are truly scared, our "lizard brain" engages the fight or flight response...and we just can't think properly.

Soooooo...for that reason, I think that you should talk to your pediatrician about getting a therapist for him.

Argh! I had a whole answer typed out and it got erased!!
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This is really common for this age. My daughter is 4 and experiencing it now. I have read recently that this is the age where children experience the most separation anxiety and that is why they act out in this way. My daughter panics if I ask her to get anything from upstairs on her own, she does not want to be in any room alone. I can't go to the bathroom without her being right outside the door! It is better at night when all the kids are home. I think it is just too quiet in the day with the 2 of us. And I get it. Of course, as a mom I love the peace, but I have been there before, where it is just toooo quiet. She asks about monsters a lot and hears phantom noises. Her imagination is going very wild lately.

I suggest getting night lights to light up the "creepy" areas like closets and hallways even during the day, during this phase. I suggest putting on background noise like tv or music so the house feels more comfortable. Reassure your child often that it is Mom and Dads job to keep him safe. You may have to have that conversation daily, I also suggest humor and problem solving, for example we will joke about what we would do if a monster was in the house (put on our superhero costumes to scare it, squirt it in the eye with soap. etc). This gets her giggly and also a plan of attack even though we tell her all the time monsters are not real. She also is writing a book for other children with steps on dealing with monsters, lol, This seems to soothe her and give her something to focus on rather than being afraid.

Last of all, just know that your child will outgrow this phase before you know it. Good luck!!!

my daughter was like that last year when we moved when she had J. turned 5. not to the extremes of running outside or not being able to be left in a room...but she all of a sudden couldnt turn on any lights without us there, and couldnt go in her room alone...full blown tears would ensue if we tried to make her, and she would constantly get up in the middle of the night upset.
we moved this year (hopefully we're done moving for a long time) and the second we walked in the house she said "oh this feels like home, i never liked that other place, it scared M." she still for the 1st few weeks constantly asked us to go into the upstairs portion with her to get soemthing afraid because it was new, but she got over that and is now fine