Found Out Hubby's Cheating

Wait, you are still having sex with someone you know is cheating on you?? My first suggestion is stop, my second is get tested for STDs. Then get some self respect and a divorce.

ETA: And demand, after the birth, for paternity testing before allowing him to pay child support. He may not even be the father... (not that it changes their affair...)

Original:
Please go talk to a divorce lawyer before you do anything else. IF indeed these twins are his, he will have to pay child support. Your children and you are as important support-wise as the twins are. You will have to fight for your rights. Forewarned is forearmed and at least you can get your ducks in a row before you let him know you know, or before he leaves you for her.

You do NOT bring the subject up. Go to the lawyer now.

heh. he's cheating and having kids with another woman and you're afraid to say anything because then YOU would be 'ruining the relationship.'
i'm not even sure how to answer this, or what you're looking for. if you can't bring yourself to so much as bring it up, and you 'can't leave him', and you still actually think HE'S 'passionate about your marriage', and you're still having sex with a man who holds you so lightly, what exactly do you want us to say to you?
'it's okay, hon. maybe if you're even a better wife, and have more riproarin' scrumpaliciousness with him, and don't complain, and clean the bathrooms more often, and cook gourmet meals, and lose 20 lbs, and color your hair, and never complain, and let him have girlfriends, and spend your kids' college funds on his new children, he'll fall back in love with you and you will ride into the sunset together. on a really REALLY pretty horse with a flowy mane.'
will that do?
khairete
S.

I am a little disturbed that you are still having sex with this man that you know is having twins with another woman, that is actually a little "out there" How do you know "Bailey" doesn't have AIDS? And if you have proof with emails and texts, then you have to find a lawyer. There is no getting past, or over this. Your marriage is over.

Put on your big girl pants and take care of your needs. Testing for stds should be at the top of the list. You found all this information and somehow you've managed to keep it all to yourself without letting on to your hubby that you know? You must be the greatest actress in the world.

Even IF (and that's a BIG if) you want and can put your marriage back together the trust is broken!! I'm a firm believer that 'once a cheater always a cheater' they just become more sneaky. Ask Tori Spelling..........her husband cheated on his wife with her and now he's cheating on her. I hate to say this and I don't know you nor do I mean to hurt you BUT your marriage is over! Do you really want a man (?) who would do this to you and your children. Your job now is to protect YOUR children. And I agree with the other posts........get thee to a doctor and get tested!! You don't know who she is having sex with and btw you don't know who else your husband is having sex with............PROTECT yourself and your children that is your job now! So sorry for your pain..........get going your world has now changed

Right now: "I found your emails and texts."

It's devastating to think you have a healthy, happy relationship with your spouse and find out abruptly that you don't.

I think that before you talk to your husband, you need to talk to a good counselor. Since you don't want to leave your husband, you need a counselor who will really help you try to get to the bottom of the situation and try to save your marriage. You will learn how to approach the subject and how to listen to and respond to anything your husband has to say. Today would be a good day to make an appointment.

Hi A.,

It sounds like you are in shock and denial over this revelation. The reality is, he's cheating on you and is about to have a second family with another woman.

The way you bring the subject is to tell him you have something you need to talk over with him. Then, when your kids are not around, or asleep, tell him that you know the truth. Show him the pictures and whatever evidence you have so that he can't deny it. Tell him what you want, and ask him what he wants. Does he want to be with Bailey and her soon to be born twins? Or does he want to be with you and your children? If he chooses you, will you ever be able to trust him? Will you be able to stand having to see and talk to Bailey on a regular basis as they co-parent these twins???

And yes, as others have suggested, it would be smart for your husband to get a paternity test to make sure the twins are actually his. If Bailey would with another woman's husband, she is capable of sleeping around on him too!

Best of luck!

If this isn't a troll I will eat my hat! I can accept a woman forgiving an affair. I have a fair bit of trouble accepting a woman would just allow the affair to continue because she thinks her marriage is just fine and doesn't want to rock the boat. What is total BS! is not saying a thing when she is about to have his twins!! No way in hell a woman wouldn't address that because it goes to financial stability and household stability. Unless you are bar none the crappiest mom on earth who would rather get some than concern herself about the stability of the children there is just no way in hell this is a real story!

He is no longer passionate about the marriage and everything has changed... and he already is ruining your relationship. Be smart and talk to an attorney to protect yourself and your children. Keep the emails and texts before he deletes them. Then start with I found your emails and texts...
I am having a hard time understanding your reaction right now, good luck to you.

My husband cheated. He will never do it again, not after what I went through when I found out. So I disagree with the "once a cheater, always a cheater" paradigm. It's not that simple. My husband loves me, didn't stop loving me just becasue he was cheating, and we were having sex while he was cheating (not uncommon).

You have to confront him. You have to be calm and know what you want before you approach him about it. I would suggest approaching the other woman yourself, but if she's pregnant that really complicates things. I understand that you want to make this work. I know one other couple that stayed together after the birth of another child outside of the marriage, it was not easy for them, but he wanted to stay with his wife, so they figured out a way for him to still be responsible for the child. I don't know the details, but they are making it work somehow.

Don't listen to other people's ideas of what marriage should be. Some of us have a great capacity to forgive, some don't and would end their marriage over this. Your marriage can be saved if - IF - your husband shows proper contrition, immediately stops contact with this woman while the two of you figure out what you want to do if she is in fact pregnant with his child. If she is not, he needs to end it, period. And, most importantly, he needs to put your needs first.

He needs to work on getting your trust back, whatever it is that you need for that to happen. He needs to never blame you and be willing to answer any questions you have. You will be asking questions for a while, you can do it with or without a counselor. He will continue to hide details, some of these will come out over time, some of them you will never know about. You have to be able to accept that.

A 20 year marriage is nothing to sneeze at, you two could have many more happy years ahead of you, but if he's not willing to do what I suggested above, it's not worth holding on to. I'm sorry. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. Everything is so confusing and your world has just turned upside down. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me here.

What do you mean "nothing in your relationship has changed" and you're both "still passionate about the marriage"? Sounds like everything has changed, and you unfortunately only found out now.

If your marriage was in tact, why have you not brought anything up to him before now? He probably thinks you are naive or that you wouldn't care if you did. Especially if you're still being intimate with him. That is not going to help at all.

Don't be in denial about this. It's not in your best interest. Or the kids. You need to face this head on before the healing can start.

First, seek legal counsel. You need to protect your assets and those of your children's. Find out what your legal options are.

Second, go to the doctor and get a complete physical.

Get everything lined up and then have a conversation with your husband. I'm sure you are very upset and hurt. However, your saying "I just don't know how to bring the subject up" is concerning.

What do you think your husband was going to do once these kids were born? Was he planning on hiding his other family? I would be concerned that HE has been hiding assets and getting his ducks in a row.

You say he hasn't changed or that nothing has changed? Hmmm.. I am not too sure about that! EVERYTHING has changed. Your husband is having kids with another woman. Yeah, that would be a problem for me!

Don't jump ahead to how you want this to end up: whether you want to stay in the marriage or not. But "not saying anything" is not an option. You have no idea how you'll want this to go until you see how he handles being found out. You may not love him anymore once the dust settles if he handles it poorly or refuses to stop seeing the other woman.

My husband cheated and we're getting divorced. He had several chances to fly right and never wanted to leave me, but he would never change so I cut the cord. Would your husband change? Do you want to have a husband who has twins with another woman? What do you mean you can't leave him? Of course you can. Or at least you can kick him out and he will have to support you and your kids-and I'd recommend getting papers drawn up before the twins are born personally. I'm not trying to sound callous, I've been through the sting of this for years and I'm finally over the pain, so I'm talking to you from a practical place.

Things weren't fine in your marriage fi he was cheating. What was wrong? He's a cheater that's what. You deserve better. Now, if he's viciously sorry and will do anything you want to make it up to you, maybe the relationship can be saved. But if he's not going to drop this lady, it can't be saved. You need to confront him. Just print the mails and leave them for him, or whatever you can do that makes you non-hysterical. This is all on him, you've done nothing wrong.

So sorry to hear this, but you have to face it!

I'm so sorry. It's so sad that he is putting you guys through this.