Foster Children Screaming, Whining and Attitude

Did you have ANY training at all for this? If you didn't get training, than you need to report the foster agency. If you did get training, then if this is a real post, I'm frankly horrified. I'm going to be really blunt here.

After ONE week of taking in children who have basically been taken away from their families you've decided they have "horrible attitudes" and are "whiners and cryers"?

Kids in foster care situations are coming from TRAUMA. They're not going to arrive sprinkling fairy dust and farting rainbows. They're going to cry, and whine and have "horrible attitudes" because they've been abused badly enough or come from a situation dangerous enough to be REMOVED FROM THEIR PARENTS.

I suggest you contact the foster agency for either training to handle this like a loving individual, or to request that you be taken off the list.

Did you take classes on how to be a foster mom? If not, please talk to the social worker and take some, ASAP. I realize you likely have good intentions, but it sounds like no one prepared you for being a foster parent. You need to talk to an expert and either learn what to expect from kids who have gone through trauma, or realize that this is not for you.

I'm sorry, but this post doesn't sit well with me. You are assigning descriptions of these little children, 2 and 3 years old, and a 5 year old, with words that should be used for pre-teens. "Horrible attitude" and "never does what he is told?" He's THREE! "Complete whiners and cryers?" What? Why would you talk about these chldren this way?

You don't seem to know what you are doing. These children are in the foster system because of some really bad homelife problems. You have stated in your other post that your biological son is autistic. He is not a product of an abusive or negligent home, but knowing what it's like to have an neuro-atypical child, why can't you grant these other children an understanding of their difficulties? They aren't "normal" either because of the terrible homelives they came from.

You are supposed to be giving them a safe and caring environment. Why the state gave you 3 children in addition to a special needs child in the home when you don't have early childhood education or expertise is a real surprise. It was wrong of them to do for YOU and for the CHILDREN. Instead of looking at them as whiners, be patient, encouraging and CALM.

You need to take early childhood classes. You need help in understanding how to deal with abused or neglected children. Stop thinking of them as bad attitudes and whiners. Of course they aren't happy. They got plopped in a place where their lives are in turmoil, still. How would you feel if it were you?

The best thing you can do for these kids is to ask for help. You need education. You need professional guidance. Find it, or don't foster kids!

I hope this post is fake. You are not qualified to foster children if you really feel this way.

Your son taught you patience...now is the time to use it. It could take months for the siblings to adjust. Certainly a week is not long enough for them to figure out your expectations.

You are not currently equipped to work with foster kids. Reread Doris' post. Working with foster kids is VERY difficult. There is no quick fix. You have 3 foster kids, which is a lot. You have unrealistic expectations if you think they are supposed to have a good "attitude" after two weeks in your home. They need love, routine, consistency, touch. Foster kids are not like regular kids. They are damaged. You need to understand that now.

The little boy is only three. Why are you giving him so many time outs? He should be playing and being loved and stimulated, not following a bunch of orders and directions.

You need to adjust your attitude or you will not be good at foster parenting. You will find that these kids are difficult, you will get turned off by them, and they will end up in another home. I've seen it happen many, many times. I'm already predicting that these kids won't last with you because you don't understand what you're in for and you expect this to be easy just because you are patient and positive.

Foster kids are different. Prepare for this to be a difficult road for at least a year and then you just might be successful.

I had a nonverbal child also. It was incredibly hard - and while we were positive and learned patience - for us, we learned not to judge our kids and know that they would reach milestones when they did. That all we could do was be supportive and give them opportunities to grow.

I find it odd that would call two tiny people who have been in your care a week "whiners" and "cryers". Who have come from a difficult situation and are transitioning. Is this a genuine post?

My own children were whiners and cryers at that age, and they weren't foster kids. They hadn't gone through trauma.

I wouldn't expect them to be happy right now. Maybe adjust your expectations. Sounds like you felt like a great mom with your own child which is wonderful. Pulling your hair out won't help these little ones. Just accept them as they are and take one day at a time. Use that patience you developed with your own.

Time outs aren't productive with kids that age for teaching them what is proper behavior. Model it. Time outs (or better, quiet time is what we did) is to be used when they are tired and can't communicate out of frustration. I would just spend some downtime with them, reading or resting. They aren't on your schedule yet.

I am with JB in hoping that this is fake, I think perhaps it is because I know of no foster system that would let you have three kids in three months with no training at all. Also this quote from your answer to another question seems very off as well, "Don't be scared of what him about to say but at three he lost his voice and was diagnosed with autism til this day (he will be seven soon) he still doesn't speak." My son is high functioning autistic, I know a fair few people with autistic children, never have I heard anyone refer to the regression in verbal skills, losing their voice!

So on many levels, not the least of which it doesn't sound like your son has the proper medical staff and support, I hope this is fake.

It has only been a week. These children have just been completely upturned from their previous lives through no fault of their own. They are so young that they probably don't fully grasp the what and the whys of their situation. Where were they before you got them and what were their lives like? You may or may not know, but you certainly know that they aren't in the foster system because they had happy, well-adjusted lives. It's time for a little more empathy and understanding. I understand that these children are acting out, but that's hardly surprising given that they are in the foster system. Can you ask the agency for some tips and advice? Surely they offer some level of resources for foster parents?

If you are fostering that means you've had training and there are social workers that are there to help you work through problems. Please, please, please stop punishing these poor kid since they's been through so much already. They don't know you. They don't trust you.

Pretend for a minute that you are dropped into a new country where you don't know the customs or language or what's expected of you. You do the things you've always done but it doesn't have the outcome you expect. They do things differently but since you don't speak the language you have the learn the customs by watching and learning. That's where these kids are right now. They don't speak your family's language or know your customs so they are just doing what they've always done.

Your job is to acknowledge their feels and let them know that you are a reliable adult who is there to assist them. You can't punish them into that feeling and you can't tell them with words. Your actions are the currency you need and time is the only way for things to get better. Be consistant with praise and gentle guidance and use punishments sparingly.

A two year old with a terrible attitude? Five and three year old's that whine and cry? Good Lord they are in FOSTER CARE of course they are miserable. You need to contact their social worker NOW and get some training, take some child development and parenting classes. If you can't do that you should let another family care for these children, you simply don't have enough experience and patience to deal with them.

You've taken in 2 older children who have been wrenched from their home/family, and moved in with strangers who have other children, different styles, etc. They are in an entirely foreign environment. They are 3 and 5 - they are CHILDREN! They don't know where they are, or why. Whatever situation they were in before, it was pretty terrible, right? So they didn't have something - safety, structure, love, nurturing, food...who knows?

Of course the 2 year old you took in had a "horrible attitude" - she was frightened and disoriented! It's nice that she has come along in 3 short months, but I think you are deluding yourself if you think she's all recovered now and there will be no problems. And the 2 siblings are older, so they are far more aware, they have memories, and they've had more damage. They have also come into a bigger home with more children.

You absolutely cannot look at what you have done with your 6 year old (where you started "from scratch" with a blank slate) and compare it with kids coming out of traumatic situations which, no matter how bad, were their HOMES. And they are going to be afraid of you, as well as afraid that they will be picked up and moved again to some other stranger. Put yourself in their shoes.

I am surprised that you had so little training and preparation for what it means to be a foster parent. That you expect ANY 3 year old to "do what he is told" is shocking, frankly....but that you expect this from a traumatized child is really astounding and not a good sign for the reasons you decided to be a foster parent. Go back to the case workers, find out what resources are available to you (including parenting classes for foster kids), and get some expert guidance. I am dismayed that you were approved as a foster parent with no training. You need many more additional supports in order to make life better for these innocent children who have already been mistreated and uprooted. I know the case workers are overworked and underpaid, with heavy case loads, but you have to advocate for these children who have no one but you to rely on.

Yes they need structure but they need consistency and confidence and nurturing...and those only occur over a good long span of time. If you aren't in this for the long haul with all the frustrations that come from it, maybe you aren't ready to be a foster mom.

I could see you posting this if you had those kids for a few months but a week? What did you expect? Did you think they were going to run into your loving arms and be grateful to have you when they have been taken away from a home they knew even though it wasn't good for them? They have to learn you and your family just like you have to learn them.

As far as being whiners my daughter is 9 and just stopped whining so with their age I'd say they are doing what kids their age do. I don't think foster care is what you thought it would be. In most states you have to go through training before you are allowed to foster. What did they teach you in the training? You need to fall back on what you learned. You can tell the agency the number of children you can take and stick to that number. 3 foster children maybe overwhelming.

I'd hate for you to send them away because that just means the kids will have to get used to another family but if its only been a week and the screaming, whining and attitudes are bothering you then it may be in their best interest to leave your home.

Before having more foster kids come to your home you and your husband need to think about how many kids you can handle and if foster care is right for you. You also need to realize that kids are not the same. The next kids you get maybe worse. Good luck to all of you!

I see a real disconnect between the first part of your paragraph and the second part. On one hand, you say (and rightfully so) that your son is wonderful, while acknowledging his disability (being nonverbal). You state that you learned patience and how to be positive about everything.

Then you go on to describe your new foster children, with whose care you've been entrusted for less than 3 months. And you've described them as having a horrible attitude, and being complete whiners, crying, never doing what they're told, and never happy.

A few weeks, or even one week, is a terribly short time, and although you don't provide info about what kind of life these children led prior to being placed in your home, I'm guessing it couldn't have been happy, stable, or loving (since they're now in foster care). Even if they weren't abused or neglected, maybe they experienced the traumatic loss of a parent.

Please apply the same patience and positive thinking that you express to your son to the three new foster children. Perhaps the whining is how they got any kind of attention in their birth parents' home. Maybe they're crying because their little precious lives have been uprooted and they now live with strangers and everything's different. A 3 year old under the best circumstances doesn't do what he's told - he's too busy finding out that he can run and hide and make mommy a little nuts, and giggle in the most inappropriate places and times, and be mischievous, and pull the kitten's tail, and all those crazy, fun, and yes - tiring - things that 3 year olds do. Now you combine a 3 year old brain with a complete upset in parent figures, houses, rooms, food, schedule, siblings, words...who wouldn't cry and whine and act out?!!??!

Let up on the time-outs, and just show them stability, security, boundaries, consistency, and love. I'm assuming you have access to social workers and counselors and foster care training.

If they're in foster care, they have been taken away from their parents and their worlds have been turned upside down.
If I had been ripped away from my family and put in to a stranger's home with no real understanding of why, I would most likely be whiny, uncooperative, and attitudinous as well. Give them some time.

Does he really have a bad attitude or is it considered as such because he is a foster kid? Asking because I am a former foster kid and there was always this double standard. example, the people's biological son could act out (as it were) and he was just being a kid.. whereas us foster kids, should we ever act out (even in the smallest of ways) we were considered troubled...
take a step back.. He is three..... three year olds get feisty, but so do other ages... even adults..
it's only been a week... also, when you label and or name call with things like "complete whiners and cryers" you sound like the whiner not the kids...
often, people think, hey I am giving this kid a home, he/she should NOT ever act out.. kids that little don't see it that way... they probably realize, as they are not dumb, that they are not with their biological parents... that is a deep wound.. show more compassion...
and stop whining...

A week is a very short amount of time. I think I would call the agency who placed the kids just to get some advice or suggestions. They might have some background information that could be helpful. Otherwise just keep doing what you're doing. Lots of love and lots of consistency.

Good luck. You're doing an awesome thing!

Look into Love and Logic by Jim Faye. It is very helpful. I will say that although I love the teachings in this book, it doesn't necessarily help with children who have had real trauma in their lives and that could be the case with these foster children. You probably need to reach out to your social worker and see what resources are available to you as foster parents. You can also do a google search for something like parenting techniques for children with trauma. You also probably need to find out if in fact these children did come from trauma, and the likelihood is fairly high if they're in foster care.

Also, remember that they are ripped from their home and environment and if they've been in foster care before then they are not expecting to find support, love, and faith because many have probably given up on them before.

You have taken the foster parenting classes, right? Then you know that these children have been through hell.

They have had many issues and they've never had anyone have rules before. You might need to visit often with the case worker and see what their background is and how you can get resources to help you do a better job with them. Not saying you're not, you're frustrated because your normal isn't working for them.