Advice for Handling an Unappreciative and Disrespectful 7-Year Old.

There is so much missing to this story. Generally they don't give three kids to first time foster parents and there is usually enough training that you would know this is all very normal.

I agree with most others, contact foster services you are not ready to take this on.

my heart is breaking for her. she's so little. just a little 7 year old girl, whose life has been upended, and doesn't understand.
i'm sorry, but the best behaved 7 year old in the world doesn't really 'get' what parents (or fosters) do for her. nor just how fairness works.
she's only 7. she's lost her parents. and now she's living with someone who expects gratitude from a little girl whose world has been torn apart.
i'm not sure you're really the right foster parent for her. maybe you should only take one a time, or something. there's no easy fix for a little girl this lost and desperate. she's floundering, and all you can do is be exasperated that she's not being grateful to you.
i'm glad she is with her sisters. i'm glad you're trying. i think you need a lot more training and support as you move forward in your admirable efforts to help these girls. this isn't hers to fix.
khairete
S.

Wow, you are a foster parent.

This child's ( and her siblings') life is not fair. Can't you see that? They were placed with you to hopefully get the love, support, direction and stability they need.... Not resentment from you.

You are complaining about their parents. Their parents are obviously not capable of caring for them or they wouldn't be in foster care!!

How long have you been a foster parent? How did you qualify for this? Why did you choose to foster?

It takes someone very special to truly be a foster because the children you foster are typically from broken homes, abusive situations, around drugs, not accustomed to stability and starving for love and support.

Fostering is HARD!!

Foster parents are to love, support, have the patience of Job..... I know its hard but it's a job you signed up for to help these children.

Please talk to your social services rep because you may not be the right fit for these children. It's bad enough for them to be taken from parents. If they have to be placed with other foster parents because you are not a fit is a double damn for them which will destroy any self esteem they have.

Please seek counseling and parenting advice for foster parents. If these children are not in counseling, get them in counseling.

You are the Ray of hope they were given. Try to see that and try to be that foster parent they desperately need. Put your resentments aside and make these children your priority. If you can't do that and follow through, then let CPS find a home for them that will be a better fit.

I know fostering is hard. I have family who fosters. It can take its toll on the most patient foster parents. Seek help from the professionals. You'll be doing these children a favor.

You shouldn't be a foster parent. I'm sorry. You don't have the skills needed for a foster parent.

Fostering kids is not for the faint of heart. Fostering kids means you need to accept the baggage they come with . Some of them come from really messed up "homes".

I agree with others, please contact the social worker and tell them you are not ready to be a foster parent.

These kids NEED help. They need unconditional love. They need therapy too. They do NOT need someone telling them they are unappreciative. This is hosed. You should have never been able to be a foster parent.

Please contact the angency that placed her with you. I'm no expert on being a foster parent, but I do know that many of those kids have lots of baggage. This isn't as simple as what would one of us do with our child who has lived with us since birth. You need to talk to a professional who can help you with this little girl's specific needs.

Please know that this is not as simple as her being ungrateful. I would actually guess that she is grasping for some semblance of control in her world. But please don't take my word for it. Try and get this little girl some help.

Most foster parents realize, when they take the extraordinary step to care for abused and neglected children, that they will be given some damaged kids. If the foster care system is so overloaded that the caseworkers have not be able to provide you with support and guidance, then get it somewhere else. Get yourself and your foster child in to therapy to help deal with her understandable feelings of neglect and abandonment.

You can't just keep a damaged kid busy with fun activities - that's no different from her biological parents indulging her every whim!

And take the locks of the doors! No angry child (which all kids are at some point) should be allowed to lock doors so that parents can't get to kids in an emergency.

You don't say what the consequences would be "If things don't change" - not sure what you've told her, but surely you realize that her fear is that she will be sent away AGAIN, right?

Please, please - get the training and support and parenting skills you need by looking for a therapist who specializes in children, and who understands family dynamics so you, too, can learn to be consistent and fair and calm rather than resentful when a 7 year old is unappreciative. You say you are patient but also stern - so this unsettled child may have a lot of trouble figuring out which is which.

I have worked with foster kids. Foster kids are more complicated that regular kids. And there is usually a honeymoon period of about three months, so if these kids stay with you, don't be surprised when the other two girls start acting up. It WILL happen.

However, this girl is only 7, and the instances you are describing are not that terrible or unusual.

Usually when kids whine you say something like, "I don't hear whining," or you ignore it. Or you say something like, "You will get money when you lose a tooth."

If she says something about wanting her mommy, you mirror her emotions by saying something like, "It's so sad that you can't be with your mommy right now." And give her a hug. Foster kids are very attached to their parents, no matter how terrible the parents have been to them. It doesn't matter when she is expressing this loss, the loss is real, and devastating to them. You need to comfort her when she expresses missing her mother, no matter why you think she is doing it.

I have to agree with the others that you are probably not equipped to deal with foster kids. Sorry. I understand why you were given the kids, because it's so hard to find homes for foster kids that social workers have to use whatever homes are available, especially when trying to place three siblings together. I have known kids that went through 30+ foster placements.

You will have to be very patient. You have unrealistic expectations of any kids, let alone foster kids. I assume you've never had your own kids, if you think a 7 year-old whining about things not being fair is unusual.

No child should have to be removed from their parents. This is not her fault, so you need to go out of your way to be understanding.

And PLEASE, don't expect her to be "appreciative." She's a little girl who has been taken from her mother. You are expecting too much.

You speak of this child's behavior as if she's spoiled. My God, how can she be spoiled when she has lost her parents? How can you not see that this isn't about stuff or over indulgence but about fear & sadness?

It is not a normal situation so you can't parent the way I might if one of my kids acted bratty.

You know what I would do if I were in your situation? I would ignore the behavior and shower that kid with so much attention and love that she didn't have time to whine or complain. I would tell her and more importantly show her every single minute that she is loved, safe and her feelings are valid even if the way she is expressing them is not appropriate.

People deal with trauma in different ways. She is crying out for you to love and accept her just the way she is, bad attitude and all. Please give her what she needs.

You sound like a horrible foster parent. Really...report yourself back to whomever placed these children with you and let them know that you lack the compassion, wisdom, patience and grace required to be in this role and let them be placed with a family equipped to care for children. I can't imagine why someone with your attitude would be taking in children. I am literally queasy reading about your shitty, unloving and nasty attitude towards this poor child. You are so unqualified for this it's scary.

I agree with the others - this is probably not the right placement for you. I don't know of ANY appreciative 7 year olds, especially those who have been abused/mistreated.

I am guessing that you have no biological children. You use words like "unappreciative" regarding a 7 year old. Hmmmmm . . . .

There are not enough foster parents to go around. However, this has created a situation where many people who shouldn't be foster parents, end up being foster parents. Here is a perfect example of that.

Hopefully this arrangement is very short term, and these children can move on to a more stable, loving environment quickly. If these children were placed with you long term, please consider contacting foster care services and having them voluntarily removed from your care. I simply do not think you are equipped to do this.

Kids end up in foster care because their own families aren't capable of meeting their physical and/or emotional needs. Sounds like this kid has emotional needs that weren't met. She needs time to adjust to real rules and your family dynamic. Just because her sisters seem to be adjusting fine, doesn't mean that she will adjust the same as them.

It's hard and you're doing your best.
She's had her whims catered to for 7 years and now she's no longer the Queen on her throne.
She must feel like Cinderella sitting covered with soot and ashes and wants to go back to being the princess again.
The rules have changed and it's going to take a lot of time and patience and firm boundaries before she figures out what the new rules are and that they actually apply to HER as well as her siblings.
Trying to take them to 'fun things' right now might not be workable.
'Fun things' are not a right - they are a once in awhile special treat - and they are not going to be appreciated for what they are unless they become a rare occurrence.
Even that is going to take time - and when you DO start doing something special - keep it small.
You need to take it in baby steps.

Your problem middle child might need to see a child psychologist for awhile to help her with her transition.
She cries for Mommy, but Mommy wasn't doing her any real favors by giving her what she wants just to shut her up.
Crying and whining and bullying use to work for her - and now it's not - and she doesn't have a tool set for anything else right now.
I know this is hard for you.
You didn't create this mess - their biological parents did that - and now you have to figure out how to deal with it and clean it up.
You need some guidance from a professional to help you navigate how to do this.
The child psychologist might be a good resource for you to give you ideas on how to best handle the situation.

What you are seeing in her is what we are seeing my almost 6 year old as well. Her therapist says that she has been given a role in the decision making in the family, and so she doesn't have the safety of being a kid and not having a say in what happens to her. She doesn't feel safe and connected and secure. She probably has been the one in charge of the 3 of them, and this is how she shows it. She needs good guidelines, she needs to know expectations, and needs to be held responsible for meeting them. BUT, they need to be ones that are easily achievable, so that she can be successful.

My guess is that she needs to have a really good child psychologist to help her and you coexist in harmony. Also, it sounds like she is behind and lacking in social skills and norms that she should have at this age. This is completely normal given what she has been through. A good therapist is going to be able to help you help her, and teach her how to tolerate not getting her own way every time. This is going to take a lot of work on both of your parts, but it can be done.

It seems as if you are expecting her to be a normal kid, and she can't be because she has never had the chance to be, and now when she can, she just doesn't know how. Please get her help. The guidance counselor at the school is not enough, and in my opinion, generally a waste of time. She needs to see someone who specializes in kids with trauma.

If you need help, feel free to pm me, and I will do my best to help!