For Those with Husbands Who Don't Enjoy Kid Outings....

My husband hates going anywhere period. He goes to work and that's pretty much it unless we go out to eat. He does go to all school performances and football games and practice if he gets home from work in time. Anything else I take my kids alone or with my mom or sister.I don't care if my husband doesn't go to egg hunts or the school carnival and my kids don't either they hardly know I am there. My dad never went to that kind of stuff and I love him and I know he loves me and I don't think he was a bad parent. I would rather go to these events and have a good time with the kids then have a grumpy husband by my side. I really prefer to go without my husband and dread when he goes because I know he will make me a nervous wreck because he hates doing kid functions. I always invite him so I never have to hear a you never invite me.

My husband travels a lot. When he is home he goes. I don't care what it is he goes and he does not say a word!

If I know my husband is going to make it more miserable for me and everyone else he is around, I'd just leave him home and go on my own. However, my husband is pretty good about going to kid outings about 98% of the time. He doesn't get all into it, but he's good with helping with the kids.

My dad's response to kid events was always 'I ain't interested' unless it involved guns. I even quit Girl Scouts to join a rifle club when I was in 6th grade. My brother was also in a rifle club, same place - different night. As a family we went to my brother's night -- no one came to mine.
What I learned from this? Gee I'm not important -- I don't matter ect.

Dads who refuse to go to kids events and be their cheerleader are hurting their kids more than will ever know. The kids feel like unimportant losers. If my own dad doesn't love me -- why would anyone else?

Not all moms "like" every kid event either but they do them.

Dad's "fun" should be in spending time with his child. A child isn't "his" when the activity is something dad likes and "mom's" when the activity is something dad doesn't like.

The point is not for dad to enjoy the activity itself (or for mom to enjoy it, for that matter). The point is to enjoy the child's enjoyment. Try telling him that.

If only mom takes the kids to every Easter egg roll, birthday party, ballet recital or rehearsal, play date, tae kwon do class, library story time, etc., the kids get the message loud and clear: This is mom's job. Dad only does X with me (whatever dad is willing to do).

The rest of the message: If you, the kid, are really into your dance or story time or whatever, and it means a lot to you, Dad just isn't interested, sorry, kid. Your interests that make you an individual just don't matter much to dad. When you like something that he also likes, you'll be more interesting to him. What does that model for a child? Self-centeredness.

We all want the ones we love to think we're interesting people. Even young kids know if their interests are ignored and not supported by their parents. And as much as he can say "It's great you like to do X" or "It's nice your friend Y is having a party," that means nothing unless he supports it with his presence at least occasionally.

I remember the post about dads who hated school functions and I responded basically the same way on that one. Dads who insist on bowing out of all the kid's activities, school or social or extracurricular or church, because dad doesn't "like" it are disrespecting their children as people who have some interests that aren't the same as dad's. Will dad keep this up when the kid is in middle school and is in the play? Will dad be there for that? Will dad bow out of the high school concert or, heck, graduation?

Is every kid event a delight? No, often they're chores. So dad can slap on a grin, try not to squash the kid's good time with grumpiness and grumbling, and take the kid. And give mom a break. Even better, mom and dad can both go. At the very least they can joke about it together later.

If your husband just wont' do any kid events, tell him, "Our child gets messages just from our presence or absence each day. If I, the mom, am always the only one present at all these activities, the message is twofold: I am always there to be the kid's chauffeur and dad doesn't really want to know what you do with your time. I cannot always be there to drive, so you must get used to doing that at times. And you need to do it not grudgingly or while making comments about how boring it is, because kids DO pick up on all that, and will know that you think your time with our child is not valuable and our child's activities are meaningless." Then tell him you'll work out a schedule or a deal or whatever where he takes the child solo, without you, to certain things; you handle others; and some you do together.

This sucks. I wouldn't make him go, but I would encourage him to go on the kids behalf. My husband loves going to these kids on things. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and do things you don't like doing. I really don't like playing certain games with the kids, but they love it so I put a smile on and go at it. Being a parent isn't about what you like, but about what the kids like. Hopefully he still goes even though he doesn't like going. Does he like going to the other events of your children? School? Sports?

My ex wouldn't ever do anything with us (me and kids) so now he's my ex. If I wanted to be a single mom...I would be one! And I was until I met my now hubby who happily goes to ALL our kids events and actually has to remind ME about them. He even goes on field trips if his time allows. I think its selfish and pathetic if you can't go once a year to see how excited your kids are to find easter eggs. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

Mine would rather take a bullet than:

1.) go to a parade 2.) go to Disney World

He now enjoys #1 and is considering #2

Thank you Alex. That little guy has a LOT more power than any four year old should! :)

He did take over the Kindermusik duties. I hated it and it stressed me out soooo much! Waste of $$ when the kid rather just run around and not play/sing like the other kids.

It upsets me the MOST when my H decides to go, knowing he's going to suck all the fun out of it and make it a miserable experience, just so he *looks* like an involved father.

To use one example that's never been completely awful... every year he insists on coming to the pumpkin patch because it's a topic of conversation at his work. Every year we have to "delay" going until he can go, then day of he's yelling and swearing and slamming doors when it's time to go... he complains on the car ride... he gets out for about 5 minutes and either "announces" we're getting the first 3 pumpkins he sees (literally) and it's time to go home (and I laugh at him and say "Nope!" we're doing the maze/ face painting etc., just like I warned you we'd be doing) and he throws a fit and stomps off to the car and takes a nap for 2 hours and kiddo and I have a grand time by ourselves -OR- he walks about glaring and complaining that the pumpkins are all the same (and too expensive) and THEN stomps off to the car because "he has a headache".

This is one of the "mild" examples... because it's so public that he doesn't end up screaming at us/ making my son cry/ ruining the WHOLE trip... just making it highly unpleasant heading there and returning home. AKA kiddo and I are able to have a grand time while we're actually there.

Then a few days later when he has work buddies (who have kids) over he goes on in GREAT length about how fantastic this pumpkin patch we go to is (blah blah blah), and how they should come with us one of these years (blah blah blah).

I HATE it when he insists on coming along to things that he's going to ruin.

I inform my husband of the big events, like dance recitals and school plays. He knows he has to go. But regular dance or gym class, I don't bother.

I would love for my husband to be more enthusiastic about going to kid activities, but honestly, if I could get out of half of them myself, I would! Our son's gym class is excruciatingly long and a dance team practices at the same time, playing the SAME song every single week, over and over again (we're talking about 10 times/class). Just the first bars of "Mercy" by Duffy make me want to scream and yank my hair out!

My husband hates going anywhere, let alone to things that don't interest him. I have explained to him that I understand he does not want to go, and neither do I sometimes, but we go for our daughter. If it is something that the kids enjoy then it is worth it for the parent to suck it up and go. But I do agree with someone below who said not to force him to go because then it will end up being no fun for anyone.

I guess I am lucky that my husband doesn't really mind this stuff. I mean does any one really like chasing around a two and a half year old in a crowd while she is trying to see and do everything? Probably not, but my daughter loves it and I love seeing her love it and husband feels the same way. Maybe it's time to remind him that you do these things for the kids, not yourself. You are creating memories, does he really want to be absent from that?

Make him go, give him an assignment, like pulling the wagon or taking pictures. Dad needs to tough it out and learn to enjoy his children. Children are so excited to see their parents actually caring about them. When a parent doesn't show up to support their kids, that's the same as the parent saying, "I don't care about you". Seriously, what a selfish, a**hole of a parent. I hate the zoo, but I take my kids anyways because they love it.

If its something your child is involved in, he should suck it up and go, at least half the time. Now, if your talking overpopulated crazy places like kids museums or theme parks, or God forbid Chucky Cheese, we both cant stand them. We just grin and bare it and make fun of it together (secretly). We have our own fun. And then we take a big fat nap when we get home!

I like the responses so far. One thing I'll elaborate on is the fact that the kids get the message from dad's absence loud and clear. My husband isn't there for a lot of the activities and when he is, he's a big grump; It's like I have another child. It's even to the point of the kids asking that daddy not go with us; likely his negativity brings them down, too!

Kids are VERY observant and they know who they can depend on to be there for them... no matter what... without complaints or negativity.

Now, when the kids are looking for help, affection, discussion, ANYTHING... guess who they turn to? Yep, you got it. When dad offers his help, affection, discussion, etc., it's often turned down by the kids... and they aren't very tactful about it. If he excludes himself, they will exclude him, too.

Remind your husband that they won't be this age forever... that he will regret not having gone to these functions that make THEM happy... regret not embracing these moments with his kids that will soon pass... regret a missed opportunity to bond with his children, even if it is a birthday party of someone he doesn't know. It could turn out to be one of the happiest days of the child's life thus far, and dad wasn't there to share it.
They will remember that.
Sad.

My husband isn't a big fan of going to organized activities (other than soccer class) - like non-family birthday parties, gym class, etc. But if it's something we plan, that's more free-form, he's all about it. Taking them out to a park, the zoo, out to lunch, to the aquarium, to an outdoor concert, hiking, over to a friend's house (our friend) to play, etc., he's SO happy and content. So maybe it's just a matter of finding what he's comfortable doing and go with that. I mean you're not going to all of a sudden make him love doing those things. Personally I would SO much rather take my son alone to another kid's birthday party than have my husband there wanting to leave the whole time. And for the record, I never take that man to Target with me either - I'd have to strangle him there. :) Know each others' boundaries - life's too short to constantly fight losing battles!

For my honey it depends on what kind of event.
I try to schedule things that we all enjoy when we can all go (like when he has a day off).
For other things, that I know he could probably care less about, I take my daughter when he's at work.
If it's a place I have never been too, and I come back and tell him it was really cool and awesome, he then wants to check it out. =)

My husband will attend school functions, sporting games or any event of significance. Other events like you mentioned, Easter Egg hunts and stuff like that, not so much. Now if the kids wanted him to go, he would.

It does not upset me at all if he doesn’t though. He works A LOT during the week and I can completely understand if he wants to stay home and watch sports or get some home improvement stuff done. He has commented before that he feels like he is never even home enough to enjoy our house that he works so hard to pay for =-)

However, we do plan family days with Dad. We’ll all go to the beach, a movie, park, Disneyland, dinner, etc. The kids really look forward to it.

My husband will go to sports practices and games and some school functions. But other things - like parades, parks, museums, Putt Putt, etc. he refuses to go. He is just not interested. I had to make the decision a long time ago that I had to raise my kids and do things with them in order for them to have a fun childhood. If I waited on him to decide to join us, it would never happen and we would just sit at home. So if there is something the kids want to do and we can do it / afford it, I take them. I always ask hubby if he wants to go but if he doesn't, then me and the kids go. We end up having alot of fun. He misses out.

My divorced parents were the reverse of you and your husband - my dad came to every band concert, my mother went to ONE concert in 8 years. My dad came to my R&D presentation where I won a blue ribbon, my mom couldn't be bothered. Is it any wonder I was far closer to my dad? He was my cheerleader and supporter even if I only saw him on the weekends. Mom paid the bills and put food on the table for us kids but was never a "real" mom in my eyes...consequently I have been and will be going to EVERY event, concert, play, game, etc. that I possibly can - simply to give my kids the support I never felt I had growing up.

I'll also say that when I got pregnant with my first child I had a long talk with my mom about all the things I still carried a grudge about and what I was going to do differently with my kids. So she's fully aware now (25 years too late) how much it hurt us as kids to never have her come to any of our activities. I made a very conscious decision to be a BETTER parent to my kids than my parents were to me and so far I have been! I sincerely hope your husband realizes that he is one of the two most important people in your kids' lives and HE NEEDS TO BE THERE FOR THEM...and maybe grow up a little himself. LOL :)

Maybe it did at first...but have you dragged your husband somewhere he doesn't want to be? That's even MORE of a disappointment.
Make plans with another family, grandparent, etc.
Soooo...really....how can you "handle"?:
1. Go yourself (or join others) and have fun
2. Drag hubs and then everyone can have a lame time? haha

I agree that there are SOME times when a parent just has to suck it up and GO--when it's important to the child.

I suppose I "keep score" too much but I tend to take my kids to those types of things and then later get some "me" time in exchange. It doesn't work out to an exact minute exchange but if I do 2 or 3 hours at some function and he had free time, then I get an hour later. I'd prefer not to drag him and make him miserable because then later he'll need even more time to himself. So I say "go to the gym now while I take the kids" and then later he's happy and willing to give me some free time. If it's something that I think would upset the kids if he's not there, then he goes. But they pretty much don't expect him at events and aren't old enough yet to be upset. I think right now they figure these are "mom" things.

I scanned over this then felt the need to come back to it. My parents never came to anything at school when I was growing up and it always made me feel like they didn't love me enough to come. I want you to show this to your husband and ask him if that's how he wants your children to feel about him sorry if that seem harsh but it how I feel. When I graduated from high school the only one that was there was my future husband whom they didn't approve of, but he cared enough to be there for me.

I never expect my husband to be too interested in the kiddie outings. Usually, I just mention I am going here or there and sometimes he surprises me and comes along - although most often not. He plays with my son, takes him to run errands and lets him play alongside him while he is works outside in the garden. Even though I spend the majority of my time with my child - taking him to kiddie events and so forth - I don't think my husband is shirking his duties.

If my kid is in a play or performing in any way dad should try to be there. My husband worked odd hours when my kids were in grade school so he missed a lot of their concerts. I have to say he was lucky becuase grade school concerts, while cute to see your kid, are otherwise pretty painful. But my husband always did get to the day-time in school concert if he couldn't get to the evening parent concert. HE also always goes to any sporting event that he can make it to. ALWAYS. I don't have to nudge him on that most of the time. Kids need to see both parents - even if the parents take turns in order to cover both kids, work, etc.

As for other events where my kid is not performing - like an Eater Egg hunt, brunch with Santa, or a kid's play - I don't impose that on my husband. A big reason moms want to go to these kinds of things is to chat with other moms and socialize. So if you want to go - go without him. Maybe ask other moms if their husbands want to stay home - you may have a few other dads thanking you. ;o)