Food allergies...what Do You Think?

You might have overreacted. Why were you so angry? If Dad is used to eating his own walnuts or peanut butter, he was just talking out loud about topping off his sundae, right? Or can your son not even be in the same room with nuts? There are some people so sensitive to things like lemons that just the smell can set off their allergic reaction. But, your son shouldn't feel like he's spoiling anyone's fun, so I didn't understand that awkward moment. Your son will always be around people who will eat things he can't. It could have been pizza. It's ok. He just can't eat nuts for his own health. If everyone else wants to enjoy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a sundae with nuts, what's the problem? You refer to the family as my son and my hubby. Are they not biologically related? That's his son, too, even if by marriage only, and I doubt seriously he would want to jeopardize his health. Let it go.

My daughter is allergic to many, many food items. INcluding bananas and peanut butter, apricots and Cool Whip. This is only the top of her allergy iceberg.
She knows what she can and cant' have and I make no big issue about things that are forbidden. I guess we are a little crass and we'll say let's have a banana split, although we have ordered them without bananas at restaurants.
I have even said things like well you could eat this but then I would have to shoot you in the leg with that big needle. (epipen)Then bring you to the hospital.
I dont' make her feel bad I just say this or that has soy or rice in it, too bad. You get this.
I wouldn't treat him any differently because he is allergic to half the stuff on the shelves. Just be careful.

I'm deathly allergic to seafood and shellfish, but never got upset when my parents talked about liking shrimp, etc. It's not like your husband sarcastically thanked your son for not being able to have nuts on his sundae, he just mentioned them. Your sons friends are possibly going to talk about liking nuts in front of him also. Frankly, I'm surprised that you're so sensitive to your husband bringing up liking nuts, but you have nuts in the house, considering your doctor's advice. My parents, who loved seafood, did not keep it in the house to protect me, since my allergy was so serious. My husband, who also loves seafood, won't even order it at a restaurant when we're together.

Well, it's not really reasonable to expect that everyone in the world is not going to eat or mention walnuts because your son has an allergy. My husband is deathly allergic to avocados (who knew such a thing was possible?) but the rest of us do occasionally make guacamole, and we even eat it in front of him! Heck, my daughters even sprouted one of the avocado pits, and now we have a tiny avocado tree in the yard. My husband developed this allergy later in life, and loved eating avocados prior to that, so he is super bummed that he can't eat them anymore, but he's not going to begrudge the rest of us for enjoying avocados. I mean, food allergies are no fun, no question about it, but it's not like your husband sprinkled walnuts on your son's sundae. He was simply stating the fact that it would be tasty to have walnuts on his sundae. Which it probably would have been. I think if you don't make a big deal of it, your son wouldn't either?

This is a tough situation.

Yes, your husband, his father, should have been much more sensitive. He probably didn't realize what he was saying or how it impacted your son.

On the other hand, your son will have to deal with these allergies his whole life and being in situations where he's going to have to face other people's insensitivities or lack of knowledge regarding his allergies.

Have you had a chance to speak heart-to-heart with his father about it to explain why it upset you? I think, if I were in your situation, I would have also been really upset. As a third-party, it's easier to say it was an honest mistake, but we expect the other parent to be sensitive and responsible with anything that could affect the safety of our children.

Hoping it's an isolated incident.

having allergies doesn't mean you need to tiptoe around words too, does it? why should your husband feel as if he can't express that a nut from time to time would be nice? hopefully your son knows his dad loves him and would never endanger him by bringing him in contact with a deadly allergen, but it is really forbidden to even mention the words? if your son's feelings were hurt, your dh can explain to him that he is not blaming your son, just making a comment. that's not a big deal, that's the real world. nuts will be discussed from time to time. surely your son can learn to deal with that.
khairete
S.

I like the idea of snappy comebacks, I don't think your DH was doing it on purpose. Haven't you ever thought out loud and later realized that someone may have been hurt? Your son is going to have to live in the real world, where he will have to check out labels and watch what he eats and where and how it's prepared. Admittedly, your home should not be a place to find this, but spit happens, move on, it was probably unintentional.

Your son need good come backs to remind clueless folks about his allergy, even his father. "Yeah, Dad! Sounds great! Oh wait a minute, I'm only DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO NUTS! Darn, have to pass." That would cover both the passive/aggressive and clueless alike. BTW, you might want to be careful about your son eating M&M's, even the plain ones. They are all manufactured in the same plant that makes the ones with peanuts, almonds, etc.

You are not wrong, but you did hit the nail on the head. It was an insensitive comment on your husband's part, but he obviously was only thinking of himself. I doubt he even gave a thought to if he might hurt your son's feelings. I probably shouldn't generalize, but most men can be rather insensitive. Cut him some slack, be supportive of your son, discuss this with him in private, calmly, but try not to sweat the small stuff. Worse things will be said to your son in his lifetime, unfortunately, so maybe its okay to have to toughen up a little bit from time to time. Good luck!

Honestly, I do not think you overreacted, simply because it sounds like you are the one to watch out for your son. For some peanut allergies, even being in the same location can cause a reaction so I can see how you might have had this reaction. That said though, I think you need to let it slide just a bit. My hubby says stuff that I do have the reaction of "what?!". My son has a medical condition that is kind of hidden but can be life threatening. My husband does sometimes want to do something that could have a horrible impact on my son. But it is kind of like voicing something you are thinking of without actually realizing that it could have that impact. If he had said that he wished he had the nuts on top but "gee we can't have them"--I probably would have let him wear the Sundae. ;o)

I would ask him why he said that - he could have just been joking like a dumb man or been unthoughtful...and not necessarily outright mean....but if he were being mean, I would have an issue with it too - but try to figure out his intentions first...and if he was being mean i would remind him it's not your son's fault he has an allergy and he should be more sensitive to your son's feelings....see how he takes it. I would be irritated too - so you're right to question it....but your son may not even have taken it too personally, so i would have a chat with him too just to put your mind at ease.

I think you're over-reacting a little. Your son is not a toddler. He's old enough to know about his own allergy. I don't know why your dh would say that unless he was a.) being passive aggressive or b.) completely clueless. From what you've written, it didn't seem like it upset your son....

You are NOT wrong!!! That comment was thoughtless, insensitive & rude!! And then to not even realize why you were icing him down w/a stare? "Wow" is all I can say! I'm sure you handled it better than I would have!

I also think you over reacted a bit. Your husband falls into the category of dumb male syndrome, unfortunately many of them have this and put their foot in their mouths. I would have said, "remember that our son is allergic to all nuts?" and let him take it from there. He probably was thinking out loud (giving him the benefit of the doubt here). I know nut allergy is a sensitive topic, but your son is going to have to adjust to people talking about nuts, esp when he gets to school.

I've lived with food allergies for almost 9 years now(my son, 9 yrs was my 1st FA kid). We kept a nut-free home for about 8 years, until my son outgrew his PN allergry last summer. We continue to keep our home free of major allergens that could invoke a serious reaction: shellfish, eggs & kiwis. So, I can understand both sides of the picture: a desire to have an "unsafe" food & the extreme desire to protect your child, both physically & emotionally.

My hubby "gets it" and understands why our home is safe for DS/DD, but will still make oddball remarks..."wish we could grill out shrimp"..."wish we could fry eggs"..."make real Easter eggs". I too give the look, but also realize he's a man:) My son was DX'd w/ FAs at 9months old, so he grew up this way, it's just the way things are for him, so I don't think these issues bother him AS MUCH as they bother me.
Hugs! H.

I believe that I would have reacted in the same way. We recently discovered that our son has sensitivities to certain common food allergens and he is having a hard time even believing that it is real and me overreacting. I know that it isn't me overreacting but even through this he is learning that these are real after having the dr. tell him that it was true that we need to stay away from these certain foods.

That said- I dont know your hubby of course but I love mine dearly and sometimes he says things that he doesnt mean and that I could take as an insult or something but he is not trying to be that way. I would say definently let him know that how he behaved-you felt it was inappropriate and uncalled for. Tell him in a non-offensive way and let him know that you expect him to be more sensitive about your sons allergies- especially if he is 'deathly' allergic to them! Sometimes guys just dont have a clue about certain things and they dont understand as well-i think- because we are around our children more( i'm just guessing that you are a sahm?) and we have to deal more with our children getting sick and watching them suffer. It sucks and is tragic but it is something that we are dealing with as well. I catch my hubby giving our son a cookie with dairy products and even though it wont make him severly ill, he is not supposed to be having them. It makes me very angry but he is finally realizing that this is a very serious situation and needs to be treated as such.

Hope this advice helps. Just talk to him and tell him why you responded the way you did. I dont think that you were wrong at all.

I think you're right, and you should have addressed it. What your husband said was probably more insensitive than mean-spirited, but telling him why you were disturbed might have helped alleviate the anger you're feeling now.