Hi All,
On Friday Ann-Marie asked for advice on how to get her son to sleep in his own bed. I asked the same question about a month ago and tried what some of you suggested which was the reward program and the gate. They both failed. My four year old cried and cried when she realized the gate was up. I went to her room and tried to soothe her she went back to sleep but when she woke up again she cried and cried until my 2yr old woke up. This went on for about a week and I finally gave in due to the sleep deprivation. The reward system never panned out because she didn't spend one single night in her bed. I was reading the advice offered to Ann-Marie and I have two questions. 1. Will the punishment i.e taking away the computer or TV really work? I have never really had to discipline my 4yr old and it feels lke discipline by taking away something she enjoys. However at this point I am willing to try it if it will get my almost five year old out of my bed. 2. I have asked my 4yr old on different occasions why she prefers mommy and daddy's bed to her own and the answer is consistently the same that mommy and daddy's bed is sooo much more comfortable, it's soft and warm. I slept in my daughter's bed and I must admit it was very hard on the back I couldn't take lay in that bed all night. Is it possible that her mattress is too hard? could a hard mattress effect a four year old the same way it would a very much older than 4yr old little girl? Maybe she needs a new mattress? Keep in mind we just bought that mattress and it wasn't cheap. Any advice you guys can offer would greatly be appreciated.
I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank god for your suggestions and advice. I took your advice and A. Bought a mattress pad, B. Purchased new bedding and let her pick it out, C. Discussed the consequence of not staying in her bed which was taking away her 1/2 an hour of television she gets everynight. It's been about 8 to 9 days give or take a day and so far she has slept and stayed in her bed five nights of the the 8 or 9. When she doesn't stay in her bed she doesn't get the half hour and I remind her first thing in the morning and right before bed about the consequences of her action. If she can stay in her bed this whole week I promised her a really big surprise I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks for your advice it has given me five nights of sleep :)
Maybe some of those egg-carton foam pads under a new set of flannel sheets -of some Disney character she likes? It's almost Winter after all, who wouldn't prefer a cushy bed in a cold night?
And maybe a cute flashlight for under her pillow?
B. - Without having to spend BIG bucks on another mattress right away: put a REALLY thick comforter under the sheets when you 'make it up' with clean sheets. <moving the things around in her room on that day works well too!!>
Tell HER it IS HER new bed - and how 'comfy' it is........It may get her to stay in it. Read a new book and be on it with her prior to bed time........ if it IS not comfy - that could be the issue. Good Luck.
Hi B.,
We had the same problem with our son. First we told him that if he wanted to sleep in our room he would have to sleep on the floor. Then we put a feather bed on top of his mattress and bought him cozy blanket and sheets that he loved. a cool night light also helped. We also made a point to spend time in his room sitting on his bed with him and reading him stories there. This took a week or two, but it worked. Also small reward system can be added to the plan.
I don't agree with punishing him for this. It pretty much a habit that he got into not misbehavior.
Good luck
Sarah
B.,
Night time is a trying time, I know I have a 5 year old boy and we had issues getting him to stay in his toddler bed after the crib. With out the obvious boundreys he did not want to stay. I love nanny 911. They have a method that works. I would do my normal routine and then I would sit next to his bed with no eye contact. When he came out of bed I just kept putting him in. I would scoot towards the door very gradually and quietly. (Make sure it is in small steps and stay at each step for a couple of mins so she gets used to you being there but further away) Before you know it you are out of the room and in your own bed. I do see that this is a little different than my issue; I wish I had a better suggestion but I would have a talk with her and take her to pick out her own mattress. If she picks out a softer one and likes it she may stay in it. If she doesn't then I would consider a punishment, but only then. It is not her fault the bed is not as comfy and mommy’s bed. I know it is not cheap but it just may work.
B.,
You're not alone. I felt like I was reading my own mind when I read this entry. The "Your bed is so comfy and warm" excuse is an echo of what I hear EVERY NIGHT from BOTH my boys. They think it's ok to sleep in my bed because it's just me and there's plenty of room. LOL Little do they know I don't sleep well with people and while they're sound asleep, I'm tossing and turning. OIYE! Yes, I have slept in their beds numerous times and you're absolutely right, those things are just not soft enough. Here's what I did to help wean them off my bed. Mind you I have no extra money to go buy a different mattress either. I went out and bought them softer pillows and a NICE fluffy, pillow-top mattress cover. Don't go cheap. Make it worth it. Believe me, it will be worth it. I let them pick out what ever they wanted to cover up with or sleep with. One thing, either a special blanket or pillow etc..I let them be the decision makers so that they feel important and grown up to make choices. This helped encourage them. We went from being in my room everynight to maybe once a week. I actually love sleeping in their bed now. When ever the older one wonders in my room, I sneak out and go lay in his bed so that he gets used to sleeping alone. Good luck to you and just remember one very important thing....They're not little forever.
H.
Don't know if this will help but.....my 4 year old had problems when she was about 2. She didn't want to sleep in the crib. So I used the Ferber book/method which worked in two nights. It was wonderful - but she couldn't get out of the bed. Now we just transitioned our 2 year old from the crib to a bunk bed. The first couple of nights she was out of bed 100 times. She said bunk beds stink and such. Anyway - each time she got out of bed I took her hand - walked her back - helped her in bed and left the room. I never said a word to her - which wasn't easy. It's been about 2 weeks now and IF she gets out of bed - I do the same and she actually puts her hand up for me to take her back. If they don't get a response of any kind from you for what they are doing - they will usually give up. I learned this from the Nanny and it works well for me. Even time outs work well. Anyway - good luck to you and I hope it works!!!!!!
TRISH
Hey B. - This is what my parents used to do with me and my brothers and they swear by it. They would make things VERY uncomfortable for us when we asked to go into their bed. They would pretend to be alseep and roll around and accidently whack us with their arm or pretend to snore really loud and squish us a little. We would get so uncomfortable that eventually we would give up and leave. (So the story goes) Give it a try and see if it works. Good luck.
What do you mean by "just bought"? Is it new enough that you could call the company and tell them after using it your family has realized it isn't comfortable and you'd like to exchange it?
At almost 5, you need to take control. I am all for letting babies and toddlers come into bed with you but at almost 5, by her behaving the way she is she is showing that your direction to her doesn't matter. That is unacceptable. You absolutely need to take things away that matter to her if she doesn't stay in her room and FOLLOW THROUGH.
Good luck,
L.
I would work with her to figure out what would make her bed as comfortable as yours, short of having you in it! My son had started to crawl into our bed at night because he was getting cold. So I bought him a blanket to go under his comforter and put his flannel sheets on. We also started to use his "warmie thing" (one of those microwavable heat things...we don't warm it up as long for him as for us) to pre-heat his bed and then fall asleep next to it. Stayed in his own bed all night instantly.
As for the TV and computer, try not to think of it as "taking it away" or "punishment" but recognize that they are both PRIVELEGES not rights. My son has to earn his time on the computer or watching TV. Perhpas you could link time spent in her own bed to time with the TV or computer and look on that as a reward.
Yes the discipline ( I like the word consequence better) will work. You can offer a good consequence if she stays in bed, but a disagreeable consequence if she doesnt. And I'm sure her bed is hard. For some reason little kids are supposed to sleep on hard beds. Don't know why, but most youth beds have hard mattresses. You might want to look into pillow top mattress covers. They cost about $50. Or if you cant afford that put a fluffy quilt under her bottom sheet.
Flannel sheets will make her bed cozy warm. You might also think about a memory foam mattress top before going out and getting a whole new mattress. I think she just prefers your bed because you are there; nothing to do with the comfort of her bed at all.
I have never had the problem of my girls in my bed but taking something away they love (for a time) IS DISCIPLINE and YES it works!!! My oldest loves to go hunting with her dad. She either behaves or NO HUNTING! It brakes my heart when she is left home (usually crying) and Dad goes hunting. Every season she has "tested" us to see if we will hold to our word and it takes just once and the next time she obeys and gets to go.
Children need to learn that no matter what their age there are consequences for what we say and do. They need to know that bad and good can come from our actions. My girls know the rules and they know that if they break the rules they will be disciplined for it. They are also rewarded for the good behavior I see (or hear about). Some times that is just praise but there are also "bigger" rewards as well.
As for the hard mattress, get a mattress topper of memory foam and add that to the bed. My brother has one and says it is awesome. Shop around they can be VERY expensive but you can find them cheaper, sometimes our local "Sam's Club" (usually around this time of year) has then and for the twin size it will probably be around $50. (cheap compared to a softer mattress) A.
I just quickly read through your request... Maybe try those Down mattress toppers to make her bed more comfortable (cheaper than replacing the whole mattress and they really do look cozy and warm) Eventually you might have to take things away as a punishment, my parents did that with me and my siblings especially as we got older and boy did it hit where it hurts and make you think twice when the consiquence really mattered to us. Good luck
Hi B.,
Taking away something that she enjoys is punishment. If you wish to set the rule that she is not allowed in your bed, and to punish as you would for breaking any other rule, at nearly 5, she is certainly old enough to be punished for wrongdoing. But it's going to be hard for her if you have given in at every other time, to understand that this is simply not allowed. Whether it will work, no one can tell you. Your daughter is an individual and we don't know her, YOU do.
If you think a new mattress would help, take her shopping for one that is comfortable. Let her know how much money it costs, and what it means - how many weeks of food or how many swimming lessons or whatever - and that if you buy it for her and she still does not sleep in bed and you have wasted that money, that there will be consequences - and impose them.
Good luck
If her mattress is uncomfortable for you, it may be for her as well. You may want to consider one of those memory foam mattress toppers. We purchased one for our son when he went away to college (most of the kids have them) and it really made a difference for him.
B.,
Does she have a night light or lamp in her room? Does she say she is scared of something? Unfortunately you have to pick a bedtime routine and stick to it through the tears, sleep deprivation, whatever. You said yourself you gave in, the key to any parenting strategy is consistency. I am sure it is not the mattress but before you go and spend money on that maybe try a mattress topper, or maybe have her pick out some new sheets. You have to play it up that she is a big girl and she cannot sleep with mommy and daddy any longer and stay strong. Start on a Friday this way you have the weekend to catch a nap during the day. I am not sure punishment will work for something like this. Usually when you discipline at this age it is an immediate consequence to a misbehavior. I doubt she is looking to play with the computer in the middle of the night. That type of punishment I think would be for older kids. Put a night light in her room, and just keep putting her back into her bed until she gives up. Realize that this is going to take a few nights but you can't give in. It is important for mom and dad to have their time alone and it is healthy for children to learn to sleep independently. Good luck!!
B.,
A hard mattress could totally be the problem if she likes the soft mattress since she is consistent with her answer. I would sit down with her and make her feel like a big girl and ask if she had a soft amttress would she sleep in her own bed like the big girl she is? And if yes take her with you to the store to try out all of the mattresses and what she likes the best. This way she feels like she has some say in the situaltion.
I just recently read a story about a similar situations where the child wet the bed and would not sleep in his own bed and no matter how much he got in trouble it did not matter so the parents started to think like a child and that is what they came up with letting to boy go to the store and pick out his new bed all by himself, of course mom and dad where giving signals to the sales person but the child never new and he slept in his own bed from that night on. Hope that helps.
Also maybe you can find a place that will give you money off for your basiclly new mattress.
Good luck,
J.
