Follow up on Losing Your Mom--how Do You Prepare for Difficult "Firsts?"

We don't have a "place" associated with my dad. What we've done is put a "garden spot" near his grave. It's a stone bench with mulch and stones and bushes. We engraved the front of the bench with his name and "Son, Husband, Father, Friend". We take a faux flower arrangement for the change of seasons and holidays.

My mom cleaned out a lot of my dad's stuff when he was sick and didn't need it all anymore. Going through all his paperwork was hard. I have a letter he wrote that I don't read anymore, but I just like looking at his handwriting.

I think that you should go and just do what you can, cry when you need to, and just "be". It's part of getting through it.

Hugs~

I was much closer to my grandma than my mom so if you don't mind I will answer this with my relationship with her.

For whatever reason this seemed obvious to me, I started doing everything I did with my grandma, with my kids. Maybe it was obvious because ever since I had kids I was doing that but after grandma died it seemed to have an additional purpose.

The biggest thing is gardening. Those were my happiest memories as a child so my children garden with me. Two of them are adults now and even living in an apartment, like the 11th floor, my older daughter still gardens. It is part of her and by proxy her grandma she never really got to know is part of her.
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I disagree that there should be a memorial garden. Seems to me memorials memorialize the passing, the end of the life. If you remember her in the process then she is never gone.

So when your kids are older sit down and have a cup of coffee with them. You will notice your mom sitting next to you smiling.

Not much you can really do to prepare yourself except know these things:
1. It's going to be difficult.
2. You WILL cry
3. You will laugh
4. It's OK to have fun there... that's why she wanted that place!!

Not this time, but in the coming months you will find yourself really enjoying your time there again.

After my dad died the first everything was horrible. Every holiday, birthday, event, etc was a realization that he wasn't there to share it with us. There's no way to really prepare yourself for the loss over and over again. It's really just a matter of feeling however you feel and knowing that it's ok to feel that way.

It will be hard but it will probably be very good for you. Just take lots of tissues. That will be a place that later you will probably want to go just to feel close to her. But yes the first everything is the hardest one to get through.

i'm with you. we lost my mumsie on new year's day, and despite anticipating pain and mourning, i've been surprised at how very, very hard it's been.
there's just no avoiding 'the year of firsts.' i'm glad your dad is supportive of you. i've got one brother (out of five) who was there with me during the last month of 24/7 care and who gets why i'm still struggling with it so much.
i don't think there's a lot you can do to prepare for going through your mom's stuff. just know it will be sweet, and funny, and incredibly sad, and be very gentle with yourself.
i wish there were a shortcut. i sure haven't found one.
khairete
S.

miss her and embrace the memories-probably gonna be alot of tears-but thats ok...just let it be as it should be..you still have family with you...huge hugs-been there-my mom passed back in 98..still havent been back to hastings-,,,it does get easier i promise..:)

I agree with Kiddiepshrink. I might even suggest you plant something in her honor (rose bush, tree, etc...whatever her favorite thing was).

You go into them expecting to feel some kind of way, and you roll with it. If you have made plans to spend the time with a group and then you suddenly want to be alone, do it. If you've made plans to be alone, keep somebody on standby to rush to your side in case you change your mind.

Next month will be six years since my mother passed. All I can say is it's hard, but time does heal quite a bit. Even this time last year I was torn up because she wasn't there for my prom, and I still keep Halloween things around year round because she always got me Halloween decorations because it was my favorite holiday and we often celebrated my birthday on Halloween. I'm not sure how far you are in mourning, but anything you feel is natural, sadness, anger, happiness, don't let anyone say otherwise, because as strong as the sadness and anger may be, they will pass.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope it all goes as best as it can at your mother's cabin.