Finding Balance with Father

Oh the fun of being a mom! All of us have been here at some point of our relationship, or atleast most of us! The key is communicating with him. He has no clue how much you do, because it is always done. Sit down with him and make a list of everything you take care of & write down all of the things that he does. Then ask him for some help. Assign certain responsibilties. Just let him know that you are worn out and need some help! Any respectable man will start pulling his weight a bit more. Just try to do it non-confrontational, and if you have to pull the- I pay just as many bills as you do yet take care of 90% of the baby/housework- then pull it. Let him know if he wants to pay 100% of the bills, then you will take care of 100% of the housework! Good Luck;-)

I am working on the same problem you are having. My bf and I both work full time and when we get home I take care of our daughter and the house while he seats back and plays video games! If I would ask him to do something it would be two hours and it still would not be done. It is very frustrating but what has worked so far, is telling him to do what I need done instead of asking nicely. It seems that he responds better to orders instead of favors so that is what I have been doing lately. It is not my nature to be demanding but when you are the only one doing all the work at home, you have to take desperate measures. I know that it can be difficult to teach an old dog new tricks but we have to work hard and make them realize that if you do not get any help, you will not be happy and if you are not happy…he won’t be either! I hope you work something out.

My husband is very similiar in personality to yours and I have had to deal with the same issues in our marriage and expect to do more of it when our first child is born in Feb 2008. However the most important thing I have learned is men can change, they just can't do it overnight. After 3 years of marriage, our friends and family have seen enormous changes in my husband's maturity. I highly reccommend that you let him know what is not ok as often as you need to. Men claim to hate nagging but unless they are constantly reminded of what is required by them, it is rarely done. So don't feel guilty about communicating your needs to him over and over again. After awhile it seems to finally get through and you will be amazed at the changes you will see. After 3 years of marriage, my husband can finally remember the garbage days, wash the dishes twice a week, tidy up time to time and even put things back where they belong. So don't give up on him, he just needs some good guidance!

lay it out for your man as soon as possible. couples counseling if need be. it will just get worse over time, so you need to get him lined up now! parenting is the hardest job there is, and part of being adult is being able to put other people's needs (such as children and the mothers of children) ahead of your own wants and needs at many times. it's not easy, but it's better than letting this type of situation go unchecked---this is how men fail as fathers and husbands, and how women get exhausted and resentful, and how marriages falter. he needs to decide to be a supportive dad and partner because the rewards are huge and the consequences of failure are equally huge.

You're not the first, and you won't be the last woman to have a husband that thinks his wife is "Superwoman"! My husband was the same way, played with our son so i could cook clean whatever, until I learned that women always have the upper hand, a little advice from my mom, and it worked and still does to this day, since he had always expected me to work a 9-5, come home and work a 5:30 -10 working shift ;-), I told him that I always too exhausted to give him some "quality time", and you better believe, the next day, he was in the kitchen cleaning the dishes, and giving the baby a bath, and it's been two years, and we're still on that routine. All you have to do is tell him "I need help!" You didn't make your child on your own, you didn't buy your house on your own, and you're not going to raise your child and keep a clean house alone! Break him from that spoiled mentality, and hold out on the quality time, I knwo it may be a hard for you, as it was for me, who doesn't like "Quality time", but trust me, it works!

The first thing you need to do is stop doing it all yourself. The second thing you need to do is talk to HIM about it and not his mother. Don't just tell him you're overwhelmed. Tell him how you need his help. He will not volunteer to do a job that you already do so well, so don't expect him to. Plan at least one date night a month for the two of you to go out with friends.

One thing my DH and I do is if I cook he does dishes and while he does dishes I do bath and bed time and vice versa. We divy up the household stuff (he does laundry, I do bathrooms, we grocery shop together, etc.) so that neither of us gets overwhelmed or feels resentful of the other. Our relationship is a partnership (we're still working out some kinks, but that's the basis we go on) so our home is the haven of our partnership.

The absolute key, though, is to communicate with one another, not with each other's parents, friends, coworkers, siblings, etc. Sit down, and talk about it. You have a child together, so you're stuck with him for a *really* long time now. :)

You can train him...Once he gets the hang of it..he will love it.It is really important that he is a major part of her life. You have to do it asap before it is too late and you are resentful and exhausted.The modern young couple shares all jobs! I have kids ages 25,23,12 and 10. I learned late.. The bad habits can stop. Or you will be a servant for the rest of your LIFE. Your daughter will end up the same way if you don't break the cycle

My husband and I have been together just over 11 years and we have five children together. I have recently stopped working my full time job, but I still have my real "full time job" - Wife, Mom, Grocery Shopper, Chauffer, etc. I recently wrote my husband a list of current things on my to do/ to remember list entitled All of my little stresses. He read the list as he has done in the past to see what he could help out with and his eyes got really wide when he realized the list was a full 3 1/2 pages long (in a college rule notebook). My husband is a visual learner so if I just tell him about everything it usually gets tuned out.
As to balance with your daughter - check the local YMCA for their babysitter certification courses to find a "mother's helper" - most young teens looking to make a few extra dollars will take these courses (with their parents approval). When we had two children going on three - we hired a mother's helper that came over every afternoon for 2 hours a day (on weekdays)to help with whatever (she either helped with laundry, bathing children, or dishes) - paying minimum wage. We decided to use our two hour Wednesdays to have dinner out so Wednesdays was usally a little later starting time(plus she had an afterschool program).

Hello! I know this is a little late, but I thought I would tell you what we did.

One day about 4 years ago (after losing a baby at 20 weeks) I had a total melt down. Not only was I caring for our two children, I was working full time at a day care center as an assistant director AND taking care of the stuff at home.

Wednesday night is family night. The phones are turned off and we do family things. Last week we went bowling. We usually order pizza and watch a movie or play games.

Friday night is MY night. He cooks dinner for the boys. I chose to go out with my friends or stay home. If I stay home, I can either participate in "boys night in" or they act like I'm not home.

Saturday night is my husband's night. We go to dinner together and if his friends are there he'll stay and play cards with them. The boys and I will come home and cook popcorn and watch movies.

My husband's responsibilities include taking the trash out on Monday's and Thursday's, paying the bills and ensuring things are in good repair around the house.

We hired a great cleaning service to clean the house for us weekly (I'd be happy to recommend them!). This allows US to be together in the evenings - we are able to keep up with the cleaning during the week but be together as a family so we get quality time together.

I like the idea of the chores on the refrigerator. However, in the future if you DO NOT TELL HIM and I stress HIM - you will end up resenting him. Don't wait for a meltdown like I did. Telling your girlfriend's is all fine and dandy, but he acn't have a chance at changing if you don't tell him yourself. This is NOT an accusitory conversation. "Jim, I'm feeling really overwhelmed here, I really need your help with X Y and Z." You both are young enough to learn from each other and break through the traditional roles. Growing up spoiled is nice, but now he can spoil you.

I hope you two have a long, happy life together. Remember that communication is key..

I am in a similar situation but my husband travels a lot. I have found that what works for me is choosing your battles. As much as I try, I don't think that my husband is ever going to do as much housework (or bill paying or grocery shopping, etc., etc.) as I do. He takes out the trash, does some laundry and is responsible for the home improvement and the outside. The house work has suffered and I admit that it's messier than I would like it to be, but I won't wear myself out in order to have a spotless home. It's just not worth it. I would rather have that time with my daughter and husband. She's 18 months old and as soon as the place is clean, she messes it up again anyway. We have a cleaning service come every 2 weeks to do the scrubbing and mopping. If you can get help, I highly recommend it. I keep the kitchen and bathrooms clean and try to make a dent in the laundry occasionally during the week or on weekends. It sounds like you already know what is most important and that's your family and the time that you spend with them. You might have to sacrifice the house a little, but it's better than sacrificing yourself. Wish you all the best!

It's a hard situation isn't it? Frustrating and exhausting. Plan a well deserved day or weekend for your self with the girls or some family and leave him home to handle everything for a day or two. Let him see how hard it is to be a full time employee, a full time parent, and a full time spouse/partner w/o any help. My sister's and I go on a "Sisters Weekend" every year - no children or signifigant others allowed. When I get home my husband is always very appreciative of what I do everyday. Another bonus is that he gets to see what a huge payoff it is to spend such great quality time with his child.
Good luck.
S.