Fighting with Spouse

C.,
All marriages should go through this phase. It's part of learning to communicate. If a marriage isn't experiencing some sort of argumentative stage, then there is a lack of comminication going on.
You are two individuals, with two opinions. Some will be shared, some won't and most of the time there will be compromise. That's marriage for you.
It's absolutely normal.
One thing that really helped us was taking special time for eachother. Date night should be just that. You and him. Even if it's just dessert or coffee. Nothing too fancy. Just time, one on one, together.
P.

TOTALLY NORMAL!!! You are not alone. It is a huge adjustment having a baby no matter if he/she is 1 month or one yr. EVERYONE has problems...everyone...try and find a friend or two that you really trust and bring it up and they will also share.

Whether they mention it or not, every couple fights. Some more so than others. But it's pretty normal. How you work it out is very important to keeping the relationship together.

Arguments definitely picked up after the baby was born. He felt like he was doing plenty, I felt like he was doing nothing.

Try and get some more date nights with just you two, that should help a bit.

I certainly hope it isn't just me that fights. you may need some refresher therapy. Go out w/o your son. We have issues. His family is always a sore spot. And, my husband takes anything said about him badly. God forbid I criticize him. That is usually where our fights come from. My husband denies he needs his ego stroked, but he does. And, I am not very good at it.

I think MOST couples fight. I sure do with my husband, and most of my friends do as well, as far as I'm aware. As far as frequency, I'd say we argue in a minor way, almost every day. Perhaps once a month we'll have a major argument. We don't stay angry, however...for example, we don't do the silent treatment, and only 2 or 3 times over the course of our 7 year marriage have we slept in separate beds out of anger. And we don't argue in public and try not to in front of our kids. I think my husband and I are both very open with each other and not ones to bottle things up inside, which leads me to believe that maybe we might argue a little more than the average couple, but I'm guessing.

However, I only tell my very closest friends about our arguments. It's a pretty private thing. Maybe that's why you haven't heard your friends talk about it. I'll bet if you chose to share yourself, you'll learn that they have arguments with their spouses as well.

I will say that there is the rare exception of couples who never fight at all. These couples don't communicate well enough with each other. My aunt and uncle were one of these couples - recently after 35 years of marriage my uncle admitted to having had an affair for the last 5 years and has now left my aunt. My aunt was blown out of the water, she never suspected anything, and they never fought. In retrospect it was because they didn't communicate with each other.

Dear C.,

I am only writing to you because I also have a relationship that is "difficoult" we fight often. I have been married for 10 years, and it has always been like this. At times it becomes worse. We have learned to manage it, we are doing better when either of us isn't stressed or we have "money in the bank" and I don't mean dollars. When we had spent alone time, gone away or did things together, like jogging. We call them deposits in the bank. When we are broke ( running on empty stressed, faced with issues, haven't had intimacy etc..) we fight a lot.
Hamingway once said, " all families look alike from a distance, they all look happy " only when you get close you realize they aren't. People don't like to air they dirty loundry, I know I don't tell anyone, except maybe my sister about our rocky relationship. Find a therapist who has gone through the Gottman relationship training, that is one of the new and effective ways of helping couples.
Good luck !

You are certainly not the only one who fights. My husband and I have our moments but what we've learned to do is pick the fights that are most important to us. Like he'll start a fight with me if I spend too much money and i'll pick one with him when he's home alone with our kids and don't feed them for hours. But we no longer fight every day like we used to. What we did to solve that problem was we moved to another state and things were much better. We needed a change of environment to help us appreciate each other. We've also said we were getting a divorce on numerous occasions but you can only say that for so long without actually doing it.

Absolutely not having any time alone from your baby is a source of problems as well. My husband and i have yet to find babysitters for our kids and it used to be so irritating and we would fight all the time. So if you can get more alone time in then I think that will help.

Good luck in whatever it is you decide to do but you are not alone.

Hello, I have only been married for over a year and I am young but let me tell you. YES its normal. :D Me and my husband where high school sweet hearts and have been together for over 5 years [married one] and we have had our ups and downs [ALOT] and I too felt alone. [we just had a baby too!] But when I thought about it...I wouldn't want to argue with anyone els but him! :D This is the way I look at it....

If you see a couple that never argues.

there is something VERY wrong with that realationship.

Just take time to be lovey dovey too. :D Even if you feel like hurting him lol

Dearest C.,

I was in a similar situation for a year, or more, who knows... sometimes time heals, but compromises are necessary. I stopped caring for a while and stopped fighting back, which actually helped the situation. I learned from my mom, who is an angel when it comes to dealing with people, that you have to choose your battles. She learned from her mother-in-law that what men don't know won't hurt them.... and I don't think she meant anything hurtful or deceitful by this. For example, I learned to just do things without feeling like I had to run everything by him. That equals less arguments. ANyway, everyone's arguments are over different things, but I hope you can apply those two pieces of advice to your own struggles.

Additionally, marriage takes sacrafice, believe me, but it is worth it for everyone's well-being, especially the children. It is better not to fight back. Everyday I try to just be quiet, even when he is wrong. You are actually winning the argument that way. He'll get tired of fighting with himself. Trust me. Bickering is horrible, especially for your baby. If he is open to seeking help, you can try Heart Math (http://www.heartmath.com/personal-growth/overview.html)

Also watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxN1h_w8Jp8&eurl=http%...

I actually learned about this a couple of years ago, and stumbled upon it again last night and I thought of you because I had already read your question. Unfortunately, my husband is not too open to this sort of thing but maybe your husband will because he was open to counseling. I have had to make most of the changes myself to save our marriage, however I have noticed a lot of improvement from him too.

When we are all together as a family, it is when I am most happy, so I strive for those times together. I try to keep the peace and harmony there.

As far as other people go... well, everyone argues in their marriage, just some people are better at not airing their dirty laundry. I learned this the hard way. I know how you feel, you just want to talk about it and vent, and know that what you are experiencing is "normal." I have been there too. Trust me, it is better not to talk about your marriage too much outside... "keep it in the immediate family." Even when I thought I had a friend I could tell, I later regretted the feelings she formed about my husband and our relationship. You cannot erase what you tell people and when things get better.... they don't always hear the positive. I tend to vent to my mom because I know I can trust her, and she is a good influence because she and my dad are still married even though they have had their fair share of problems. ANyway, I hope this can help in some way.

On a side note, I am interested in how you became a maternity coach... could you please give me some more information. Do you have a business? I would love to chat sometime.

Best wishes and warm regards,
K. R

Fighting does happen but you have the power to control it. As hard as it is, sometimes a person just has to bite her tongue.
Yes, date nights are very important. Find a way to have time to reconnect with your hubby one on one. A new child adds tremendous stress to a couple's relationship. It's easy to get caught up in Mommy mode and become the naggy wife and forget to be your hubby's girlfriend. Go out at least once a month. EVERY night, spend a little time together. Whether it's snuggling on the couch watching TV, giving messages or good ol nookie. Hop in the shower with him as he gets ready for work. Greet him at the door every night. Put little notes in his briefcase or lunchbox. Have a romantic dinner together at home after your son is in bed.
I was going down the same road and was being a total b**** to my hubby. It takes a lot to turn it around but you can do it. A lot of it was learnign just to shut up and let things go. Pick your battles.
Dr. Laura books helped me too. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and the Proper Care and Feeding of Marraige (both of you read that one). Basically, if kindness creates kindess.
Rmember, you and your hubby are on the same team.

Yes, most all couples fight to various degrees. But not everyone talks about it to others.

Having a child, does add stress to a couple and the dynamics of it. Life is not the same as when you didn't have a baby. That's normal.
BUT, you need to BOTH find your groove... a regular routine, regular responsibilities for the baby, time away by yourselves, attentiveness to each other etc.
Its a BIG juggling act... and each person will either be frustrated, glad, stressed, or just unable to express it.
BUT.. main thing is to NOT treat the other spouse as an "adversary. Because you are a COUPLE. A 'TEAM." And you NEED to remind yourselves of that.

AND, you have a 'new' role now... being a Parent. So. spouses sometimes have a hard time adjusting to the 'new' demands of that. Life DOES change, once you have a child. AND the "expectations" upon each other, AND in conjunction with the child.

REMEMBER... you are BOTH a 'role model' now. And fighting DOES impact a child, even a baby. They can feel the 'vibes' of their parents, and they get stressed too. SO, remind your Spouse of that key factor too.

its not an easy juggling act, to be a "couple" AND have a child. But, so, you have to adjust to it all and find what will work for ALL concerned.

I always tell my Husband, it is not only about him or me, or them (the kids). Its about US. WE are a TEAM. We are not 'single' or by ourselves anymore. We CHOSE THAT, to have kids. So deal with it. You CANNOT think in the "singular" anymore... you need to think about yourself/us/our family in the plural now. That is the reality. So deal with it.

Over time, and through much talking and re-discovering ourselves... and "growing-up"... we have become harmonious.
Sure, there were hard spots... and we did counseling too... but mostly, for us, it was about SEEING BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN. Not just thinking "singularly" about ourselves or our own "selfish" needs. You HAVE TO work at it together.... and in light of your child. Because, a child WILL become what they are exposed to and raised like. They will "see" what a "Mom/Woman" is, and what a "Man/Husband" is.... so think about that... and WITH your Husband.
The stakes are higher now.... you have a child. So, all actions/behavior you do in front of your child, will be an impact on them.... for better or for worse. Kids WILL 'learn' our "habits"... those of their Parents and how they socialize and relate to others later.

Perhaps, THAT will help to re-do your and your Husbands "perspective" on your life as a "couple."

every couple, also needs date nights. So good, you do that.
But, you have to 'view' your life now as a "family." Not just as a childless couple. Heck, we even brought our daughter along on my and my Hubby's Anniversary before... she wanted to be a part of our 'celebration'... it was important to her. So... we did. We had a nice fancy dinner, with her too, even though it was "our" Anniversary night. No problem. As a "Parent" you HAVE TO adjust.

Both spouses, have to agree to just stop fighting sometimes. Just stop. Its not about who's 'fault' it is... just stop. It takes 2 to start a fight and 2 to stop.
As a couple, and then being a "Parent"... it requires us, the grown-ups, to just grow-up, TOO.

Growth... through it all, together, is KEY. Otherwise, life will go by, and you will miss each other even though you are inhabiting the same home. So COMPROMISE. That is key too. Agree to disagree, and agree to "not" have to have your way..... but appreciate the other's efforts. Diplomacy.

My husband and I have been married 12 years, and have 2 kids. We grew-up through it all. No person is finite... we all HAVE TO grow-up, once we have kids. Especially.
THINK about the "legacy" you will BOTH impart on your child... that is also Key.
Tell your husband that. THAT is the perspective to think about and 'remind' yourselves about... in the midst of a fight. Deflate it... together.
Instead of nurturing a vicious-cycle of "fighting" and 'having to' prove who is right or wrong. That is futile, and will lead to nowhere.

All the best,
Susan

Hi, C.,

I can't think of much advice to offer that has not already been offered, but I can offer you a different perspective. I actually admire you and your husband for fighting! My husband virtually never fights with me. We've been together for five and a half years and have two kids, ages 3 and almost 2. I can't write much now as I need to meet my couple's therapist by myself. My husband refuses to go. He says that he's not perfect but that he's as close to perfect as he wants to be and that, basically, I can take or leave the marriage as is. He doesn't see the value of two people interacting with each other in front of a therapist. (He has electronically spied on me for a couple of years instead of talking to me about sensitive issues, which seem to be almost every issue these days.) I'm going by myself to try to decide if I can live with a virtually sexless, cold marriage. Not that my husband is all bad, but we have great trouble connecting. I think that there is hope for you and your marriage. You might try reading John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work."

Good luck,
Lynne E

HI C.,

Everyone fights with their significant other(some more than others). A lot of people are just embarrassed to admit it to others. We have an 18 month old daughter and our problems started around 4 months. My husband started working more hours and I felt like I was all alone with the baby. It can be hard to reconnect when there is so much going on. You need to try and find time for the two of you to have quality time with each other, nothing fancy. Have a friend watch your son for a few hours and take a walk with your husband. If you have family near by than see if they can take your little one for an evening and take your husband for dinner and a movie. You're right about it taking two to fight, but it only takes one to extend a peace offering.

Good luck.

HI C., Some couples argue a lot and some don't. Just because a couple doesn't argue, doesn't necessarily mean everything is going OK. I know that from experience. My former husband and I didn't argue ( until the last few years of marriage)....problems just got buried with an "I'm sorry you feel that way"....and no resolution.

Since you say "we know what to do, but we aren't doing it", you guys need to start "doing it"...get out of the old habits. As you're experiencing, adding kids to the family does create new issues and stress. I do think children are a gift, but it is change- and change can be stressful.

Try telling your husband again how important it is for you to have some time together as a couple. Come up with some plans, and make reservations on your own. Write them down in your husband's calendar- and then go together. In retrospect, in my situation I would say how important it was for us to do stuff together as a couple, but wasn't pro-active enough until too late, and by then we had drifted too far apart. I was still willing to spend the time and effort on our marriage, but my husband was not. Finally in counseling (after he had moved out), he said "I know I should do these things with J., but I don't want to." So there you go--- you don't want to get in a same situation that's for sure.

Hey C.,
Certainly all couples have differences of opinion, and argue. However, I try to "pick my battles" because not everything is worth arguing over. And I try to always speak to my husband with respect, sometimes I slip and have to make ammends, but I try really hard because he deserves my respect. I try not to yell either, it's not good for us, or our kids. I try to ask myself "how important is it"? Somethings I just have to let go. You said you learned what you need to do, however, you are not doing it. You can't make your husband do anything, but you certainly can start doing what you know is right. You can be pro-active in nurturing your marriage. Marriage requires a lot of work and love, and respect and forgivness. Let it begin with you. If you change the way you react, your husband may as well. Even if he doesn't, your side of the street will be clean. Blessings to your family,
V.

Hi C.,
Oh, fighting is very normal. Being married is the hardest
thing on earth besides being a mommy. Children add to the
stress for sure. The important thing is to remember you're on the same team....(hard to do when he is really getting on your nerves, ha)
I was just reading a good book called "Men Read Newspapers, Not Minds" and it mentioned how it is important
to negotiate, rather than compromise. That way we're not losing part of ourselves in the process.
A couple of other good books are "Love & Respect" by Emmerson Eggrichs and "Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
Don't be discouraged, (I'm telling myself the same thing)
marriage is hard work, but it does get better the more we work at it. Oh, another good book, "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldman....it definitely helps to better understand how men think and behave so differently than women.
The trickiest part for me is to put my irritation aside
and work towards being a better wife.
Blessings to you and your family!

lots of great responses to this one. of course we all fight!!! LOL I love the idea that we were wife and husband first. dates without the baby are a great idea not just for you but also for son. my husband and i started having date night with my first child because grandma and grandpa wanted to spend time with him once a week, now with 3 children i am so glad we made it a priority. my kids love the time away from us!! too funny.
we used these date nights to go to counseling when we were struggling, go to a dinner without having to clean the floor when we left or just grocery shop so we could use the cart for groceries and not children. it has been a great experience.
i know you don't want any advice but i would like to share an experience. my husband and i have gone through rough patches like everyone else we have used counseling and learned all the "rules" etc. it was helpful for sure but what i found even more helpful was going to a separate counselor on my own. i found there were a lot of things about me i didn't know before. it helped me take care of myself much better in my relationship with my husband and with my children.

I noticed you are a giver and maybe it would be OK to use an hour or 2 a week to take. you need your time too, being a wife and a mother and working is a lot of responsibility. whether you feel counseling would be helpful or just a walk through the park alone to think perhaps some time for you could make a difference. maybe your husband needs the same thing? i don't know, but no matter what you will probably always fight (we do) just hopefully you can come to a resolution sooner.

My boyfriend and I just had a doozy of a fight this week. We always make up but this one almost turned physical (he threw a laptop and slammed door in my face). He also said he hates me. My 11 yr old son was a witness to this which is not good.

We have established that we need to communicate more, point fingers less, and appreciate that we are different people. Just the way we process information is completely different. He is in IT and I am in more people oriented work. One thing we noticed when he talks tech I blank out. He saw me doing logic and crossword puzzles and he got a headache.

We have to find a way to laugh at things like this. I definitely think date nights more often without the child will be good. A lot of our fights have been about my attitude which is usually tense because my son has been home since June (no money for camps this year). It has been like pulling teeth keeping him on the curriculum I have designed which in turn makes me seem stressed when my boyfriend comes home. So whether we like it or not the kids can be a catalyst to some of the problems. Even alone time after your son goes to sleep that does not involve a babysitter, watching a movie on Fridays, a romantic dinner or dessert Saturday night, a big breakfast Sunday morning? It does not have to always involve spending a lot of money or a trip.

I hope things get better for you!

It is normal to disagree but you shouldn't be fighting all the time. My husband and I have disagreements but we don't "air our dirty laundry" if you will. You probably haven't heard about it because most people keep it private. As far as your dates are concerned, you should get a babysitter for your son. It's not a date if you have your child with you. Even when we had one child(we have four), we always found a sitter for date night. Your date should be a time for you and your husband to reconnect and you can't do that if you have the kids with you. I love my children very much, but when I'm on a date with my husband I want to be able to give him my undivided attention. This has worked for us. I hope things get better for you.

Hi C., it's going to be hard to respond without giving advice, but i will try. First of all sweetie all couples argue, (ALL) they may not talk about it, but they argue. My husband and I didn't date after having kids till our first born was 12, and could watch the other 2, we both agreed there would be not baby sitters for our kids, and we stuck to that. looking back we realize that wasn't the best idea. Dates are important, because were not just moms and dads were husbands and wives, and we were husbands and wives before we were moms and dads. we had about 6 couple in our home one evening, along with our youngest son and his 4 year girl friend and we all watched the fireproof movie together, it was awesome, and we all learned different things to do and not do in our marriages, my husband and I did the book together as well.

You didn't mention the things you guys are fighting about, in most marriages it's finances and children, it's different things for different couples. If byou would like to talk furture you can e-mail me at ____@____.com I've been married to my husband for 28 years, I don't know everything but I can share our trials that we went through and what we did to get through them and have the awesome marriage we have today. we still go on dates. J. L

Hi C.~
No one likes to argue and fight, and I'm sure we all do it, more than we like to admit. However, it sounds to me like you and your sweetheart need more time alone! You little one is old enough to be left for an hour or so while you two have lover/sweetheart time alone. Take him to grandma, or find someone to watch him, at your home or theirs, and spend time alone. An hour a week does wonders for a marriage!

Lots of Luck.
A.

Yes, it's absolutely normal to disagree or even argue frequently. Don't take it too personally. There might be ways you can make it happen less often, or with less anger. First, disagreement is normal, OK, nothing to worry about, but frequent anger means there's more going on.

Lots of husbands feel ignored or unwanted or unnecessary during their wife's pregnancy, and in dealing with a baby. They're also MUCH more likely than moms to mentally freak out about the cost of college when the baby's less than a month old. They feel both overwhelmed by responsibility and useless, and it makes them snappish, grumpy, unresponsive and at worst, prone to cheating.

Since your job also revolves around pregnancy and birth, your husband is probably feeling this more than other men do - he might feel lost in a sea of women, and as if he isn't that important. That doesn't mean you're a bad or neglectful wife, it's just human nature. Bring the subject up with women, and they'll tell you the notion is ridiculous, that pregnancy and childbearing makes partners closer, that men are mature and above feeling jealous of their child(ren), but mention the above feeling to men and they'll say, "Yeah, of course!"

When you bring the baby on dates, it says to a man who's already feeling grumpy that he isn't important enough for your full attention, so get a sitter! The baby will survive, and actually learn to look forward to spending time with someone whose sole purpose is to play with him. Try to go out once a week without your son, whether it's dinner, a movie or bike riding. When you can, have an overnight or longer by yourselves.

Also, is the bickering absolutely constant? Keep track of the conversation - not every difference of opinion needs discussed. If you like your beef well done and your husband likes his rare, trying to explain why you have your opinion will annoy him. He'll either feel you're just jabbering unnecessarily, or that you're trying to change his mind. Do you find that one (or both) of you say things like, "Why did you go down this street? I always take a different route?" Does either of you become annoyed when the other doesn't like a TV show that their partner does? If so, practice saying to yourself, "Who cares?" You do not always have to agree! You do not need to discuss every tiny detail together. Let each other have separate opinions without feeling threatened.

I hope it's normal cuzz I'm in the same boat. We had our kids back to back(unplanned) and our fighting reached an all time high. We just try out best not to fight in front of them. I definitely think that having a night to yourself at least once a month should be priority. Babysitting should be put in a monthly budget if necessary. Those date nights or alone nights have revived my marriage over and over again.

We have been married 60 years we have a rule in our household , never go to bed on a mad always kiss and make up we saye i love you and kiss . We argue sll the ime but we love each other . We have 4 children and 7 grandchildren good lucke to you A. no. Hills

We have a teen and pre-teen and our arguing is more now that they are older. (I call it arguing - we never throw things or let it get really bad.) Anyway, he is much more strict than me, about clothes, friends, you name it. So we argue about the kids all the time, constantly. I get sad too because a lot of our friends seem so loving, but we don't know what happens with them behind closed doors. One friend of mine, they seemed so loving, now they are getting a divorce. So a lot of couples put on a show for everyone else I think. We usually forget about our arguments the next day, or even after a few hours. So I don't really have any advice, just that when my kids were babies, we also argued then a lot, but years later we're still together. We have good times together too, so I just take the good with the bad. There is no perfect marriage. That's the problem, a lot of people look for that, and it doesn't exist. (Actually our marriage was close to perfect before we had kids!!) Good luck.

You are not alone!!! My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and together for 14. We fight. We don't fight alot but we do fight. I honestly think that anyone who tells you they don't fight isn't being honest. We aren't all the same so we are going to disagree from time to time. Fight seems natural to me its away to express yourself and to get your thoughts and feelings out( it doesnt do anyone any good to keep ot all bottled up). My husband and I try to keep a promise to each other that we don't go to bed mad. We try to talk it out before either one of us crawls in for the night. So far it has served us really well. I still get upset and sometimes really mad at him(and I'm sure he feels the same!!)But its way easier to go to bed together than to go to bed mad at each other.
Hope this helps you feel not so alone!
J.

Yes it's very normal to fight! I've been married 10 1/2 years, love my husband beyond measure and we definitely fight. It's very normal.

Couple things I would suggest. Go on a date night every month or so without your child. We go on a lot of walks with our kids in the stroller so we still can talk and spend time together. I'd also recommend getting "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. I know it takes two to fight but I found that if I'm not nagging and I make our home somewhere he wants to be, we definitely fight less. Work on being selfless and making your husbands life easier. Do the things you did to fall in love in the first place. Good luck!

Hi C.,

There is a very good chance that since you are going through this, so are many of your friends. Just because people don't talk about it doesn't mean they aren't experincing the same thing. So much empahsis is put on being happy and acting like how things are portrayed on TV or in magazines that I think a lot of people are reluctant to be 100% truthful.

I remember being very on edge with my husband after my daugther was born. We never fought and were married for six years before having her. She was also sick a lot between ages one and two, so we were sleep deprived some of the time, which didn't help our situation. Once her health got better and she grew up, things have gotten better, and we are less on edge with each other. Still, I don't think that things were exactly like they were before, but in exchange, we do get to connect on a different level these days. Also, after weaning, I noticed a hormone change, which affected my mood again.

I hope that you and your husband will be able to have more date nights by yourselves so that you have the chance to reconnect.

Hang in there, and know that you are NOT alone with this problem. Even though it might seem like it, there are plenty of women feeling the same way as you, thinking they are by themselves, too. I wish you all the best, and I hope that as your son gets older, the stress will lesson and you will get along better with your husband.

L.

Hi C.,
My husband and I fight all the time. Several times a week usually. Usually about money or something about our son because after our son was born we found that we have very different parenting styles. I think you should start keeping a list of when you fight and why and then sit down together and go over it to see if there are any patterns. That may help you figure out how to fight less about certain issues.

You definitely have to have date nights on your own... that is a key element of keeping the peace. I know it's not easy sometimes but try at least once or twice a month to get out with your husband alone. It will be worth it plus you definitely need a break away from your son.

Hope this helps.