Sorry to be coming here with my mass confusion, but I really need some impartial advice. I am engaged to be married and living with a man that I have known for 1.5 year/s. We have a 7 month old. Needless to say I became pregnant quite early on and things have since spiraled into doing the "best" thing for our child. We both love him dearly.
The only thing is that we have massive communication problems. For instance, when he goes out of town I only get texts messages from him...no phone calls, and then we argue because I tell him he has a family now and should want to check in on them when he leaves. Also, I am a full-time student and due to the unplanned pregnancy had to put my education on hold for a year (BSN in nursing). He works as a teacher but currently hates his job as he was passed over for a position he really wanted. I do not work. I take care of our son all day (other than clinical and class days) and try and fit in studying when I can. He comes home from work roughly around 7 and then sits around on farmville and with the television. I do not think we need the TV on when our child is so young (it is a constant thing for him and seems he wants to butt heads with me about anything just to take an opposing side). I do not watch hardly any tv as I am always either studying, cleaning, or doing something with our son. He doesn't even take out the trash! Okay...now I am being petty.
When I got pregnant I had so many goals for myself. Travel nursing and such. Now my life is my son. When I moved in with the father and got engaged I told him I would not really have time to do the "family" things right now but that it is important to be around our son together....he agreed that he would help in whatever way. I feel pressure from him to hang out and do those family things.....and if anyone knows what nursing school is like, you can't....you basically don't have much of a life. He starts arguments based off of that.
Well, my grades have been suffering. I try and study most when he is with our son, however due to his attention on media, my son is often put into a saucer or jumper and whining....which distracts me....so then I have to try and interact with him.
He told me a few weeks ago that he wants to quit his teaching job and just sub next year until he finds the position of his dreams. Which mean no more health insurance for our son unless I work full-time and I cannot...because I am a student. I understand that being unhappy in a job is awful, but I also feel like he wanted this family and needs to be the breadwinner right now. I do plan on working part-time, but due to the intense schedule I have I have a hard time being a mom in nursing school let alone working. Sorry, I know a lot of mothers do it...I know I can, too...but I feel that he should keep his job (the economy is bad, there are teacher cuts going on all the time, and he is not guaranteed to find another job next spring either if he quits)....I would never quit a job unless I had another lines up anyhow. And he has a family how! I moved in with him because I thought it was the right thing to do for our son, but I am not so sure now. I feel like I do work hard...I may not work, but I am in nursing school and taking care of our child and trying to have some sort of relationship with the father. But I am sometimes miserable....we have nothing in common...we don't have to have everything in common, but we seriously have nothing in common...
I worked hard to become a nurse. I don't want it all to turn sour because I can't do it all...I feel like sometimes if I were single I could do better because I could just focus on being a well-adjusted and happy parent that is finishing school, instead of feeling stretched thin...like always being on the father to do this or that, taking care of a home and school and baby...and he adds to this stress by saying he wants to quit his job! I am rambling and sorry, but any advice is needed!
He is out of town with friends. When I was pregnant we had the same discussion about calling when gone. No change. He comes home at 7pm because he coaches after school and that's his reason for quitting his job. He wants to be a head coach! I support that but right now we need his total salary and our son definitely needs the insurance. Thank you ladies. I'm very tired of the issues we have and they usually stem from miscommunication but even in the midst of a conversation he will either ignore what I say or walk away. He says it is because he doesn't want to focus on negative. But talking about our sons daycare provider is a necessary conversation sometimes..especially when he's not eating but two ounces in a 10 hour day when I have clinical. This is just one such conversation where he ignores me. I'm at my wits end. We both love our son but he can't be the reason we are together. He seriously goes against everything I have an opinion on...if I believe our son will be happy when we pick him up he says that he probably loves daycare and wants to stay just to oppose me. Ok. Rambling again. And I agree, a man out of town who isn't concerned about calling is up to something. Just with two instances in our past I can very clearly agree with this.
Why are you with this guy????? He's emotionally abusive, insensitive, and lazy. It is not better for a child to be raised in a two parent home if one of the parents is abusive and ignores him.
Move back home w/ your parents. Doesn't sound like your fiance is a man yet. You don't just quit your job cause you got passed over. He probably got passed over cause of his bad I hate my job attitude. You don't want to marry someone like that, child or not.
Where I come from, you DON'T quit one job until you have another job lined up. Make finishing nursing school one of your top priorities and do what you have to do...
It sounds like you got pregnant one or two months into the relationship.
Then decided to get married for the baby.
Bad decision. Baby doesn't care if mommy and daddy are married, just so long as mommy and daddy love baby
You say you're miserable and have nothing in common with him. And you want to marry him? I wouldn't.
Take a moment to step back and see if you really want to spend at least the next 18 years of your life with this man, because if you're getting married solely for the baby, that would be the soonest you'd let yourself divorce him.
If not, certainly the two of you can work together to be parents without being married to each other.
And as for his job, how incredibly irresponsible of him to want to quit his job with full insurance coverage to work as a sub with no insurance or steady salary.
Teacher jobs are scarce and with a new baby you NEED insurance.
He may not like his job, but that's what he went to school for and is qualified for, so until something better comes along first, he should definitely stay in the job. Does he realize that you CAN look for a job while you already have one?
Do what you need to do to finish school. You will make plenty of money to have a great life without having to "take care" of a man that hasnt grown up yet.
A dad that doesnt take good care of mom isnt that good of a dad, and it doesnt sound like he's doing much for you. He's self absorbed still. Maybe a professional counseling session would help him see that priorities are now different since he's chosen to father a child.
He sounds like a burden that you might be better off without.
Since you don't have a paycheck of your own right now you are dependent on him which makes you angry with yourself. Once you gain your independence you wont feel as trapped and knowing you have options will also help with patience if you choose to remain with your childs dad and try to mold him into the husband you would like him to be.
Not much to add to what most of the other poster's have said. It does not sound as if you and your son's father are in love with each other or suited to be together. Getting married "for the sake of your son" is the absolute wrong reason to get married and will actually do more harm to all three of you than it would harm your son to grow up with his parents not married to each other.
It sounds like you and Daddy are not cut out to be together. It may make sense for the two of you to co-parent, but if I were you I would take marriage off the table. No one can figure this out for the both of you, so have a heart-to-heart about your relationship (maybe it's not just the job situation that's bumming him out, maybe it's being engaged to someone he has nothing in common with) and the job situation. Once you two figure out what your real problems are and what your real needs are, things should start to shake out and you can create a plan.
You should have paid better attention in nursing school! lol ok ok enough with the jokes. I dont know any teacher that gets home at 7...there are a few areas you need to examine, your relationship with fiance, your school and the decision you need to make to continue living with him. You can still be together and not live together, hence him NOT working would not be your stress. If he doesnt realize the importance of coming home to his family, supporting his fiances studies and spending time with his son...you have a lot to consider. I think you should collect your thoughts with specific goals or a plan and present that to him. Take his feedback and make your decisions accordingly. Im sure its very hard to have barely known someone before getting pregnant. It can work if you are both willing, sounds like you both have your son as a priority, but you should work on yourselves as a couple first. Get to know eachother all over again and dont focus on the negative or how much you dont have in common, be willing to grow, learn and love him for him. This may be pivitol for your relationship.
Don't give up on your dream! You need to finish school for yourself and your son. If you are not married, I think you can get government aid so you can go to school and your son can have health care coverage. It doesn't sound like you want to marry this man. Don't do it unless you really want to be with him. I wonder about someone who would sub for a year when he has a child to raise. Subbing doesn't pay much, I know.
I don't think you said anywhere in your letter that you love him or vice versa. You're not even married yet and already all these complaints and concerns. My advice you might not like...leave him and do it now. Take your son and move in with your mom, dad, sibling, close friend for a while. Work part time and go to school part time, if you need to and can. Your soon-to-be-former fiance should grow up and realize that he needs to provide medical insurance if he can, so no quitting his job. He will also be more marketable in a full-time teaching position anyway. By the way, unless I'm misunderstanding, why is he home so late from teaching? Most teachers I know who have children do the job because they can be home around 3 or 3:30. Regardless, this is suppsed to be the "honeymoon" stage of your relationship. That doesn't bode well for this relationship. The only exception I would make is if he will go to a couselor with you and you really see change. Otherwise it doesn't sound like he's a bad guy but definitely not ready to be a full-time father and husband.
My main piece of advice is not to get married at this time. You two are in two completely different places and want two completely different lives right now. Better to find this out now, then once you're in an angry and bitter marriage.
If you really want to try to make this relationship work, you need to get into counseling. If he won't do couples counseling (which is a big answer to question on whether or not HE wants to make this work) then at least get counseling for yourself so you can be strong and work on yourself.
Otherwise, you might need to come to terms with the fact that you might need to cut your losses and move on. It sounds like you're basically a single parent as it is - doing everything around the house and all - so it might not be that much harder on your own. Look into whether or not you can get public health care for your son if you were a single mom. If you do choose to move on, be smart and get all your ducks in a row so you'll be prepared. Good luck - my heart goes out to you.
You and your fiance need communications classes. Do not have another baby until you are done becoming a nurse.
You fiance seems very immature about having become a father earlier than he hoped.
He is not a free agent anymore. In this economic climate he has to bite the bullet and stick with the job until your nursing degree become the financial support for all three of you.
I am very suspicious of a man who can only text while away. What is he going out of town for? And with whom?
Let's make this extremely long post very short and simple....
You are not happy, in your own words "sometimes miserable", it's only a short time before you are frequently miserable, and soon after completely miserable.
Fianace does NOT want a family, before he became a daddy he was not looking for a family. NO he DOES NOT have a family now. He has a son.
If he wants to quit his job, that's what he's going to do no matter what you think. If being a sub is going to financially support his son, then it's his choice to make.
When is the the weddding? Of course, it's never to late to call it off, but I'd try to get back all my deposits before it's too late.
You need to make sure your son is provided for. Call a lawyer first thing Monday morning.
what a hard situation. it sounds as if your fiance feels trapped and hopeless. i'm not going to join you and the others in bashing him. of course he shouldn't quit his job, but i understand him wanting to. slogging away at a job you hate, then coming home to a situation that isn't pleasant does cause a need for escapism. and you two don't seem to be ideally suited, i tell you true.
many of us hate the phone. he's texting you, so what's the big deal? you can text him. it's not like you can't get hold of him. this isn't a massive communications issue, it's a difference in which you have a preference and he isn't accommodating you on it. let that go.
if you really think it means he's screwing around, that's a separate issue.
it sounds as if the tv his way of unwinding, and you are not a tv person. this can really be compromised, but not if you are putting yourself in a mama position and nagging him about it.
and then he nags you about family time, which you claim to not have time for. if you can't find time to do family things, what's the point of being together for the sake of the baby?
one can see the push and pull going on here.
when he says he wants to quit his job, do you sit down and ask him to tell you about it? not give him ultimatums or tell him why he can't, just listen. he sounds desperate. sometimes just letting it out is incredibly freeing. but it must be without judgment or a rush to tell him his feelings are wrong and he has to change them.
if you can get him to open up, mirror his statements back to him rather than try to dissuade him. 'honey, it sounds as if you are pretty unhappy here. subbing would make you happier.' then if he's receptive (and he may not be at first), 'i think our lives would all be a bit brighter if you were in a position that suited you better. how about if we start shooting your resume around and see if we can't find a better teaching job for you sooner? if you really feel you need to quit now, let's find you an interim position that will allow you to keep insurance since we really have to have that. let's brainstorm.'
if you really feel you could do better as a single parent, see if you can integrate those aspects that would make THAT better into your current situation. what would you do? get daycare? do that now and focus on school.
it sounds to me as if he feels trapped and you feel helpless because you're not making any money. it's hard to tell at this point whether or not you'd make it as a couple if these particular pressures went away.
but honestly, it doesn't sound as if you like him very much.
khairete
S.
You can't force him to stay in a job he hates. But you can communicate. Maybe talking about it will help he destress. Come up with some type of plan so you both get the time you need.
Health insurance for the baby and family is key especially when kids need well-child checks and all the other unplanned for illnesses. It is tough to get any kind of job right now around seattle (maybe where you are is a little better) but even with education retail don't call you back.
Finish your education even if you take a slower track than you thought.
If I were you, I'd make finishing my nursing degree my priority. Even if it means doing without some things for now. It sounds like you are well on your way to getting your degree, and you are in a great field. You should be able to find a good job with health benefits, support yourself and your son and be free from waiting for your partner to get his act together. As for your dream to travel, I'm a single mom and love traveling alone or with my kids. I hope you get to travel, too!
I don't have too much advice for you but I did want you to know one little secret for a first time mom. It takes a women about a min to become a mom and for men it takes a while longer to become a dad! lol My hubby is an amazing father and husband and he loves his family more then anything but when my son was born I thought our relationship was doomed. At first i thought I was the only one going thru this but then I would listen to other first time moms stories about their husbands and it made me realize that men just dont get it. They don't think things are important like we do. My hubby would try and try and just never got it right! lol It took a year and a half and another baby before things started to click for him and he understood that baby comes first.
