Feels Lonely and That Nobody Understands?

SAHMs, let alone daycare providers NEED to get away from kids on a regular basis.
Regularly schedule "ME" time--on the calendar if needed, so everyone's aware that you'll be gone! Take a class, see a movie, go to dinner with an adult. I think working as a day care provider would be incredibly hard! At least if you know you have "grown up time" to look forward to once a week, (or more!) you'll be better at child care....

Everyone else has suggested things to do outside the home, so I'd like to add another thought. My sister has been doing daycare for many years for up to 6 kids at a time, and what saves her sanity is having them all take a nap/rest at the same time every day. The older ones don't sleep sometimes, but they all know that they have to be resting quietly from 1:00 to 3:00, no exceptions. (Some of the parents are amazed that she can make their little terrors even do it!) She starts them on this schedule as soon as she starts caring for them, and she's never had a child who didn't adjust in less than a week. That 2 hours is her time to do whatever she wants---sew, clean, read, or watch something she TIVO'd. Also, all the parents have to have a Plan B, so if she needs time off, she just tells them a week in advance that she won't be available on a certain day and everyone goes to Plan B. You are the boss (the nicest thing about your job), so give your #1 employee what she needs to be happy and productive.

I think everyone feels this way - especially stay at home moms. When you are a stay at home mom your world can be very small. I am around people all day, but it isn't like I can sit down with my three year old and tell her how mad I was the other day because someone said something really hurtful. We can't trade ideas or recipes. She's 3 and she's my daughter so there are limitations and boundaries. It can make for a pretty lonely exsistance sometimes.

People sometimes say really stupid things. I don't think they mean to, but sometimes people see only their own point of view. If someone is working outside the home they might think, "Gee, I wish I could stay home with my kids or find a way to work from home." or "If you don't like it, then change it." But I don't want to do something different. I just want some outside stimulation of the adult variety and sometimes more importantly, no stimulation at all. A quiet house for an hour or so. About a month and a half ago I was alone inside my own house for the first time in over 3 years.

Ask for what you need, S., and if no one will give it to you then take what you need. If it will make you happier and will translate to happiness in your home and family then it isn't selfish. Tell your husband or SO that you have plans on Tuesday and leave the house. Even if it's just to go to Barne's and Noble, buy a coffee and read a book. Call a friend you haven't seen in a while or a family member you particularly enjoy and go to lunch or dinner on the weekend. I would just call a friend and say, "Hey, care if I swing by?" and we would drink coffee and talk and giggle and do our hair like 13 yr. olds or go to garage sales. It saved my sanity on more than one occasion.

Don't wait for permission from people who don't understand. Sometimes it's easier to ask forgiveness then permission. Whether they ever understand or not, the will surely appreciate a happier you.

Hope this helps,

L.

You probably shouldnt talk about it negatively to your family, they are obviously mistaking it as whining.
You chose a career route that most of us could not or would not do, all moms know how hard it must be to run a daycare.. incredibley stressful on some days I'm quite certain.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with "closing shop" for a week now and then as long as you've given everyone notice, so you can regroup. Don't start feeling so put upon that you begin to resent the fabulous job and service that you are providing.
Figure it like this, if you got sick and had to be in the hospital for a week what would they do? It is really not YOUR problem, and they would survivie without you. You are putting too much pressure on yourself and you need some time off so you can remain being the great daycare provider you are.
The holidays are coming up, so everyone is more stressed out than usual.
I think you might just need a few pats on the back now and then and you arent getting any... so here's a hug for you for doing a great job at something that is just as difficult if not more so than working in a nursing home. My hat is off to you! And the plus side is that you DO get to stay home and dont have to be somewhere every morning at 8am and punch a time clock. You get to eat when you want to, you get to pee when you want to.... Start focusing on the great part about staying home and helping other moms at the same time, moms that don't have that or see that as a wonderful option ;)

To avoid negative feedback don't discuss it with them. Don't tell them you you are burntout, just give yourself a break. If you need a vacation day, take it. You will need to arrange it with the other moms, but everyone needs a break from their daily routine. You need to set up a calendar with holidays and set vacation days and just take a vacation or say a half day. Every preschool and daycare usually has some vacation days and half days built in. Good luck. I'm a SAHM and I get burnt out by Thursday and thank God for Fridays! Everyone gets a little burnt out with their jobs and needs a break.

I think you got some great advice below. You may also want to hook into some professional development groups for child care professionals. For example, in TX, the local R&R company hosts a monthly meeting for directors and owners and it allows them some time to network, vent and learn :)
Look up the local NACCRRA office and see what type of networks are available for you!
Best,

I understand how you feel as I felt much like this while running a home business while I had 2 little ones. I'm about to go back to work and my LO will be 5 months old. She will be attending a home daycare. I very much like the setup this lady has. Currently, she as a 12 month old (her own, her 4 year old attends preschool elsewhere), an 18 month old, and a 2 year old. She'll have mine and possibly one other coming the same age shortly. Her mom works with her, there are always at least two of them there. She also has another grandma come as she likes to rock the babies. If she is sick, or needs to go to an appointment, event for her other child, she has two others that can care for the kiddos. I personally think that this is a great idea. While it's important to me that she is the main care provider, I also appreciate this setup as I know she needs a break too! I don't know what your rates are, but if it requires increasing them a bit, it would be worth it for next year.

Wow -is this your husband saying this? I would give him a sharp wake up call! I feel this way often, and I don't have a home daycare! People NEED time to themselves. Anyone who thinks being with children all the time is some picnic you don't need a break from obviously needs to try it. I heartily suggest you find a place you would like to go. Even if it's a Motel 6 up the highway a ways where you hole up for a weekend with some movies and books -that's fine! Tell your hubby or whoever thinks you should be perfectly happy -that next weekend (or whenever it will be), you'll be leaving Friday evening and returning Sunday evening. Let him pitch a fit if he wants, but you make sure you leave. People with no understanding usually really need a taste of your medicine to truly "get it." You may also want to let him know that you really feel like you're going to have a nervous breakdown if you don't get some alone time. You need to be getting out of the house without children or having some alone time at the house 2-3 times per week -it can even be going to the grocery store one night ALONE after he gets home. Do you have some friends you could meet out for a movie or dinner? If not, try to find some through church, moms groups or volunteering for something.

Also- if nothing else works -then make sure your husband understands that, since you "chose" to be around children all the time -and I assume you're making money from your daycare -that now you're "choosing" to no longer do that. He can be the sole breadwinner and you'll at least only have to deal with your kids. Do NOT back down on this or you WILL go crazy!

I agree with other posters. This is not directly tied to your stay-at-home status or your status as a daycare provider.

We all have "jobs" that can sometimes take us through a rough patch or make us feel under-valued. We all get the blues sometimes about our personal value and achievements.

Don't tell others you are burnt out. Tell them what you are gonna do about it (or what you want them to do about it) instead.

1. I am taking the day off. Daycare is closed and our child is going to a MDO program at church, community center, etc.

2. I am signing up for a pottery, Spanish, knitting, or yoga class. Dear...You will be in charge of the kids and dinner and baths on Tuesday evenings.

3. I am going to make a list of all the great and amazing and funny things that happened to me today. Google's www.blogspot.com offers an easy way to launch a online blog.

4. I miss adult conversation. Dear...Please find a babysitter for our toddler on Saturday and call around and see if anyone wants to join us for dinner, drinks, bowling, etc.

I totally get what your saying..I have three small kids and work fulltime. While my fulltime job is not daycare at home, I feel like that sometimes too. Saying these things are healthy as you recognize that there are some issues..Whoever is giving you grief needs to shutup and be supportive...It is not like you are constantly complaining...We all need a break and get burned out from time to time. Here is my question...Do you make regular date nights with husband so you can get away?? Have you scheduled vacation time to recalibrate mind, body, soul? How about girls night out? Spa day? If you haven't these types of things wil help you. We have our kids at a daycare where the primary caregiver has a helper in case she needs to run out etc...is there someone you can pay that might be able to assist your daycare if you need to run out? These little breathers here and there make a world of difference.

It can be VERY stressful and tiresome. I completely agree where you are coming from. I too am a sahm for our 2 1/2 yr old (and am preggo w #2). I babysit in my home full time for a 3 year old and a 5 month old and also pt for another 3 year old. Yes, I chose to be a sahm and because we needed supplemental income I decided to babysit as it still allowed me to be home with our son.
I get this way nearly daily! Towards the end of my "shift" I am ready for moms to come pickup there little ones and towards the time my husband gets home from work (either 6pm or 9pm) I am dying for just a a couple minutes to myself!!
I knew it wasn't going to be an easy profession. I knew I'd have bouts of feeling run down and suffocating from the little 4 ft and under children! But I regroup my composure a few times throughout the day by giving myself five minutes here and there. I try to come up with craft projects that the children can do with minimal help a few times a week so I can sneak off to the kitchen to drink my (twice reheated) cup of coffee but still be able to watch them at the dinning room table. Or put a movie in for them while I'm getting their lunch around so I know they'll be quietly sitting on the couch for a few long enough for me to not have both pant legs pulled on for a couple of minutes! Now the baby is at a time where she naps late morning until the other boys take their naps so I'm lucky (for now)!
My husband used to tell me over and over when I'd try to explain to him how I felt and how babysitting effected me "I didn't make you choose to babysit". And I would be furious! I did have friends i could too for support or just an open ear thankfully. Luckily for me my husband has a couple of late days this quarter (he works on a college campus) so he doesn't leave for work until 11am. Meaning he is home with me, our son and ALL the other kiddos! He has FINALLY seen how HARD this type of job is and how stressful and physically/emotionally demanding and draining it can be on a regular basis. He regularly tells me he doesn't know how I can do it and commends me on all of my efforts. He checks in once in a while now throughout the day to see how it's going.
Maybe (if it's your hubby making some comments too) if he were home with you during a babysitting day, he could see how difficult it really is and cut you some slack. If it is other family members making the comments then perhaps you need to try and make your conversations less like complaining and more like an eye-opener on how difficult it is! Not to assume that you ARE indeed complaining! Family, especially if it's your nieces parents, can take things the wrong way sometimes. So it might be difficult to bring up with some of them.
I give my parents a annual calendar with all of the days marked off that I will need for that year. I schedule all of our appointments in January for the routine checkups and shots, and also what holidays and just becasue days that I will not be babysitting. It helps them, and of course me too to know that a day off is coming up. They can find backup in good time & I can look forward to a quieter day now and again!
Also- my husband has (finally) gotten better at letting me slip out for an hour or so every couple of nights. I don't usually have anyplace to go so I browse a local store or craft shop and just relax and have some me time. I think it sounds like you need to recharge to so maybe this would be helpful! Or call a friend up and sneak out to a coffee shop once in a while after your husbands home!
You're not alone! It is definitely NOT an easy job. Feel free to message me anytime you feel like talking!
Good luck and remember to try to sneak in a few minutes for yourself every once in a while!
-R.

I just want to say that I completely understand where you are coming from. My parents are very supportive of my feelings--but they are generally understanding people about most things. My husband, much less so. I am a full-time SAHM and he works full-time. He associates being at home with leisure time, I associate being at home with work, work, work, being on call 24-7 and never getting a break--even to pee. He will simply never understand how hard it is not only to be with only kids all day but to have to cook and clean up after 3 meals a day, sweep and vacuum daily because we have a huge dog that sheds non-stop, laundry, bed-making etc. etc. etc. And I can honestly say, I had no idea that being a stay at home mom meant doing housework all day and trying to marginally interact with your children in between. I feel like if I just focus on them and I am neglecting other things and vice versa. It is tough and I feel for you. Hang in there, sister!

i have been doing in home daycare for 12 yrs, i know the feeling of needing to run away from the kids for a little while, i also have 4 of my own. thankfully mine are now older - 19 to 11. but while they were young and i had kids 24/7 (and through 2 deployments) i would take sanity breaks... i told my husband i needed a date night when payday came,. even if it was just a trip to the store and fast food. i also was allowed to sleep in on saturdays sometimes and he would do breakfast with the kids. one birthday he bought me a book, some chocolate, and my favorite soda (ibc cream soda in a bottle) and let me stay in the bedroom and read or nap or watch tv, whatever i wanted. it was my favorite gift ever.
there were also days that he was off work, he works 4 10s now and has for the last 5 yrs. on his day off he would do the morning routine, getting everyone up for school and then i would wake up, even if it was 45 mins to an hour later and he would take each kid to school, they enjoyed the dad time and i enjoyed not getting up as early.

L.

Well the first thing you can do is not tell your family your frustrations anymore, because what they say is affecting you even more. I am sure you are probably just burnt out and need some time away to refresh among adults. The daycare is your job in a sense and you are home doing it, so you don't get to see the outside world. You might not be lonely, you might be a bit depressed. I am not sure if you have someone with you in the daycare, but it would be nice if you could get away during "work/home" hours and take a break.

Mom, did you start this to be at home for your own kids? I think you need to consider giving it a break and looking into something else to do outside of the home maybe on a PT basis. I teach preschool so I know, taking care of young children takes a lot out of you if you do it right and you can't be your best if you are feeling this way. I think you need to have more daily contact with adults and maybe care for young children in a setting out of your home like in a preschool, This way you will have interaction with others you can carry on an adult conversation with to reduce the loneliness and you cna also work with young children too. THis will help you get bk to your old self. Do you happen to have any Early Childhood Education credits? I'm not sure what is required in your state to work at a preschool maybe as an assistant to a teacher but it would be worth looking into. In our state of CA a minimum of 6 credits are needed. I think you should really consider a change, you need to be happy and enjoy what you do each day. Life is too short. Hugs to you.

We ALL have our limitations. You would feel disgruntled and unappreciated in any ordinary job after a while. Honestly, your feelings are completely normal. What's sad is that your plight does not fall on more sympathetic ears.

So, how many kids do you have with you? I recommend on days you feel down and out and lonely, get up and go out...to a park, to the library, feed the ducks your leftover pieces of bread. Or ask around for other SAHM moms in the nearby area to come over. Their kids would love some playtime with other kids and you'll meet another mother to commiserate with.

Look, there are seldom any accolades for SAHM's. I printed up a T shirt once that read..."Now Accepting Compliments." and wore it as often as possible around. It helped. We all need to be honored and made to feel like what we are doing really counts, and often those closest to us forget.

I'm sorry that your family is not more understanding. Do you have a big, safe room where the kids can roll and play around while you can sit and just watch or read through a magazine? This little snippets are necessary to recharge your batteries. So make sure to plan some downtime for yourself in the day too for you own sanity.

My mom did daycare all of my life. I also did daycare for a while, when my youngest was born. You do get burnt out. As the others have said...it's any job, but I do believe there is a "special" daycare burn out. It's not that you don't like the kids or anything like that, but you start feeling like all you do in life is wipe noses & pick up toys (& yes I know there's alot more to it than that). The people who give you flack are just "nuts". It doesn't matter your job or why you're doing it you still have right to feel the way you feel & they should be understanding of that! I would tell them I know this was my choice & I don't regret it, but how do I get through the "rough patches". I don't know what you did before, but any change is rough. It'd be nice if they offered to go out to lunch on the weekend or something instead of dissing you. Even though most us would not call out sick or whatever, there's that option when you go to your job, but when your job has several other people's jobs depending on you & it shows up at your door...you get up & cheerfully greet your job everyday. My mom had a lady who always told her how lucky she was to have her job come to her, as she dropped off her three kids, not fed or dressed, yet. (lucky, huh?) As the others have said, find some me time! I know it's hard & it's even harder not to feel guilty for it, but when I take a little me time, I am that much better of a mom. I don't know how many kids you have, but maybe you could get another stay at home mom (who doesn't daycare) and see if the two of you could get together & take the kids to the park (parents willing), if there's one close or something like that. My mom turned into one of those mail order people because it gave her something to look forward to in her day (getting a package)..ugghh..not good! Hang in there!

As you will remember from my previous posts, I've been providing this service for 24 years. I too am open 24/7, ALWAYS. The only time I ever find myself without any child is very rarely at night for a few hours. But even then, my daughter almost always announces that she's going out, leaving me with grandson baby boy. He's the light of my life. He really is. But trust me when I say that she doesn't get it. She was born right into the middle of this daycare and knows no other life. And yet, she still doesn't get it.

My husband has never gotten it. EVEN when my 3rd daughter was born sick and he ran the daycare by himself for a week.... Piece of cake right? He will never get it. ALL the familly garbage, calls to make, taxes to do, paper work to fill out, plumbers to hire, anything else...all falls on me. Why? Because I'm home all day.

And the phrase-- Burned out....you really need to cut that out of your vocabulary. Sadly, daycare providers are supposed to be super human. We don't have problems and if we do, we better not let them show. If parents get even a wiff that you are burned out, they'll run for the hills. They aren't satisfied with just finding someone else either. They will bad mouth you all over town in the process.

I'm not being facisious. I am telling it straight up. YOU need to state what will be doing imphatically to anyone that it matters to. Then do what it is. If you choose every 3rd Thursday night to leave at 5pm and go to a hotel and stay overnight, you tell your husband he will be home with yours and you don't take the cell phone or give them the room number. People survived before cell phones right?

This is something that's been hard for me. It's been more than 2 years now since I had any planned time off other than Thanksgiving day and Christmas day. If I broach the subject of closing down, I hear from my family and some parents that remember, that a couple times in the last year no one showed up on a Sunday. But mind you, I waited for them all day, made no other plans, didn't know that neither the day or night shift would need me. I cleaned house, took care of grandson, and the very much cherished "time off", was spent partially frustrated at the lack of understanding on the part of the parents that don't call or plan the accidental time off in advance.

I'm taking 3 days in March. My husband hasn't started complaining about the money yet. But he's dropped hints. This is going to hurt. I have to let parents prorate my pay for the week. I have to pay the dog kennel people. I have to rent a cabin, buy food for the cabin, and this will end up being a family vacation. I had origionally meant to go alone. But we haven't had a family vaca since 1997! When my beautiful daughter said she wanted to come a long, I had to say yes. I may not get many more chances with her. Ya know?

S., you need to find little ways to take care of you. Also, I am working on my words, not very succussfully. I'm trying. Talking about problems magnify the problems. It's VERY important to think positive, talk positive, find positive outlets for good thoughts and it's not STUFFING when you don't speak out the problems. That's a lie right from the devil that people have latched onto. God spoke this universe into existance. The Bible tells us that our words count. We are even told we will be judged for every idle word. So we need to confess the sour things we say so that they can be put out of God's remembrance and so they won't cloud our days here on earth. Boy do I have a long ways to go! LOL.

choosing a profession you love doesn't mean it's perfect or that you don't have feelings about it that you should be able to express to those who love you. everyone needs some time to themselves!
if your family doesn't want to hear about it, fine. find some friends to whom you can talk freely and vent. but do take some steps to prevent and cope with the burnout, ie schedule a few days every few months when your daycare is closed and farm out your own kids too. your mental health break! do it firmly and politely and accept no backtalk about it. you will be happier, your daycare will run more smoothly and your own family will benefit from it. then fill those days with whatever you feel you need the most, whether it's blessed silence or rowdy fun.
you can even coordinate with other daycare providers in your area (who are probably having similar issues) to cover for each other periodically.
do it. you deserve it.
khairete
S.

S.,
It is completely understandable that you need a break from kids after spending your whole day taking care of yours and other people's. I know I need a break from my daughter sometimes (i'm a single mom), and I have a job outside the home. It's just that you need time to yourself to not think about who has to be fed, who has to be changed, entertained, etc.
I'm very sorry to hear that your family is not being supportive. Don't they enjoy the weekend when they don't have to go to their jobs? That's getting a break, so don't let them fool you. If they deserve a break from what they "chose" to do, then you do, too.
I have a strong network of friends that helps me out. I will watch their kids while they go out, and then they will watch my daughter so I can go out.
Sometimes I go out with adults, and sometimes I go home and read or watch a movie a lone.
If your home isn't a haven, go to a bookstore or a coffee shop. Sip something tasty while you read and escape, or go to a movie by yourself. Even a walk outside alone can give you a break.
Good luck. You deserve a break, and the people who tell you that you don't are hypocrites.

Most professions allow for holidays, vacations, personal days, and some even allow mental health days. I think it is more than acceptable to take one for your health and sanity. Burn out is burn out no matter if you work at home or you choose to work outside of the home. How much help are you getting after hours? If you are doing all the housework, cooking, and childcare load in addition to the day time day care than you are pulling more than your weight. If this is the case, perhaps more compromising of what each responsiblity each family member is in order. Just because you are home during the day doesn't mean that everything should fall in your lap.

My solution was to leave my husband in charge of my two children and the house. He has a better appreciation of what goes in to childrearing.

Good luck