Feeling like a Horrible Mom

Wow, I don't think you are a horrible mom.

I do think you should see this as a wake up call that children are very perceptive and he obviously picked up on the fact that you didn't like it when he played with girl toys.

From now on, I would make sure I communicate with him a LOT and listen a LOT. You'll need open dialogue as he gets older and he needs to feel comfortable coming to you.

On a positive note.... I think it is great that he did come to you and let you know he likes girl and boy toys. He very well could have chosen to hide that fact for fear that he would upset you but he made the effort to communicate. Keep those lines of communication open.

What Dawn said.

You need to fix your problem, because this IS and WILL continue effecting him. You have acknowledge there is a big problem...and that takes guts. Now, do something. Get help. See a Dr. Don't make your problems, his problems.

I don't mean to be unkind, but I'm going to say flat out that I feel sorry for your son. You have obsessed over this issue to the point that he knows that you disapprove of his feelings about toys to play with. It's not enough that he wrestles and plays with action figures and acts like a boy in every other way - you're turning his enjoyment of playing with girls and the girls' toys into a full-blown obsession that he is gay.

You really need to understand that saying to him "I don't care if you like boy and girl toys and I love you no matter what" MEANS that you disapprove of him. Whether or not you approve of him playing with "girl toys", you really have no business showing him these feelings. He's not going to "turn gay" but he IS going to grow up with a complex that mom doesn't really love him, no matter what she says.

Go to a child psychologist and talk about your feelings and ask HOW to get past this so that your son can grow up normal. You have admitted you have issues and that you feel like a horrible mom. That's the FIRST step in fixing this so that you don't affect him with this for the rest of his life.

Hon, you're not a horrible mom, but something is out of kilter in your head and you need to deal with it. I like the idea of talking to PFLAG or a counselor of some sort about this. Your son is who he is. When we don't have examples of gender-nonconforming with toys - when our parents are over the top BOY only or GIRL only, it can be uncomfortable when our kids don't care. But either way, you need to find a way to let go of this, REALLY let go, because your son is picking up on your feeling of "wrongness" and THAT is not good. Get help with your issues - don't let them color this relationship.

I just read your original post. I just want you to know how incredibly normal it is for boys to play with girl toys. My son is 3.5 years old and he and the other boys in his preschool class often spend time playing with babies (several kids in the class have recently had siblings born and so they are all super interested in role play involving babies), and they also spend time dressing up in dress up clothes that include pink princess dresses. They got a great pic of my son wearning a pink princess dress while he was pushing a truck around on the floor. I thought it was hilarous! Also, one of his best buddies at school is a little girl. This is all 100% normal and is not an indication at all of future sexual preferences. They are simply having fun and exploring their surroundings. Why should only girls play with dolls or dress up in dresses? Most boys at this age have no idea that some would consider this "wrong", so they just go about doing what they want to do. If it seems fun to the kids, they just do it. There is no hidden meaning behind this type of play at this age. Wouldn't it be great to be young again and to be able to be so innocent and free of all the judgements of society? Your concern shows how much you love your son. Keep talking with him and keep letting him know that his choices will always be OK with you. We all make mistakes time to time and it is how we learn and change from those mistakes that is truly important. You are NOT a horrible Mom. Hang in there :)

Pretty cool that you realized this now. :)

Imagine how much more badly it could have turned out in 10 or 15 years, when your son is hitting puberty. Now he'll have a chance to know a mom that is open for him to talk to.

Good for you! (work's not done, but you made some great progress!)

:)

I just want to put another vote in for "open lines of communication." You obviously love him very much. The fact that you are feeling like this shows how much you care. We all have our issues to deal with... you are not a horrible mom!! He is clearly very bright, perceptive and sensitive. It's great that he wants to talk to you! Keep talking, and keep being there for him. Just keep loving him, and you'll both be fine. :-)

To some of the other responders, FYI: We don't say "sexual preference" any more (it's not a choice). It's a "sexual orientation." Thank you. :-)

You are not a "horrible mom" and recognition of this problem is a good first step. Now you need to stop referring to them as "boy toys" and "girl toys." They are just toys. I agree with the others that it might be helpful to seek the advice of a therapist or counselor to help you with this issue, especially since your children have noticed it.

You are not a bad mom. You do need to deal with your issues around this though. I suggest talking with a counselor who specializes in gender issues. Whoever deemed toys as "boy toys" and "girl toys"--they weren't thinking...children regardless of their sex should be able to play freely with ANY toy they choose and experiment with dressup,makeup, trucks, trains etc. and not be stereotyped as gay,bi,transgender etc.

People are forgetting...they are CHILDREN! Innocent children. Give yourself a break and write an affirmation for yourself about you as a mom--it will make you feel better and help. GL

The fact that he is so bright and intuitive, shows you are not a horrible mom..

It also shows that your son is very bright, you need to concentrate on that and encouraging him to continue to explore all sorts of situations.

Do not let fear be your parenting style. Let your style be "what is best for your child." Follow his lead and never underestimate him.. He sounds completely awesome!

You're a wonderful mom. Your love and concern shine through this post. You've just been gifted with an uncommonly sensitive, emotionally attuned son.

I really think you just need to keep reinforcing what you've told him. He might need to hear it not just when he brings it up, but other times too -- unsolicited. I mean, go ahead and ask him (even if you couldn't care less about the answer), "Which color do you think is prettier, light pink or dark pink? I can't decide." I mean, think about how you'd respond if a friend told you the following two things: 1) No, really, I'm not mad at you at all. You're a great friend." Or 2) (unsolicited, completely out of the blue) "I just want to tell you, you're the best friend I've ever had. I don't know what I'd do without you." Which would build up your confidence more? All you have to do is apply the same principle with your son.

I might also recommend contacting a group like PFLAG. NOT because your son is necessarily gay (it's very normal and appropriate for straight boys to play with "girl toys") but because it seems like your life hasn't given you any role models of parents who have gender-nonconforming kids and are totally okay with it. If you have a few back-and-forths with parents who've truly "been there" -- who say, "I felt the same exact way at first, but I came to realize that it's my job to love my son just as he is -- and I'm so thrilled and proud that he has the courage to be different," it might be easier for you to model your own practice on them.

In other words, this particular wheel has already been invented, and beautifully. Don't feel bad because you haven't reinvented it perfectly on your own -- that's always hard.

Best wishes,

Mira

You need to remember for your sake, that your son is actually being well-rounded, by playing with everything. Role playing with dolls, be it princesses, babies or superheros or GI Joe, is all about learning and imitating social constructs he sees adults in his life acting out every day. He is using his imagination to the fullest and learning to be a inclusive person. He is friends with girls and he wants to play in a way they enjoy when he is with them, that is great....I bet some of those girls play cars and legos too! I would hope so anyway.

Just becasue he likes to role play with dolls ( call them female action figures if it makes YOU feel better) and not everything he does is destruction or violence (like many little boys), some is creativity and love and nurturing, that is especially great. He will be a great boyfriend, husband and father some day, as long as you get over your issues and make sure to praise him for playing, in any positive way.

Our kids pick up on lots of things we don't realize they see/or put together. The other day I had to scold my son for hitting his sister with a toy, I removed that toy from play and put my son and the toy in separate "time outs" - he started crying. Big sis says "Why are you crying Will?" He says "Mommy hurt my feelings!" She responds "It's OK Will, its Mommy's job to hurt people's feelings."

SO that made me feel pretty crappy....but i explained to them, although their feelings may get hurt that that is not my goal, my goal is to help them learn to be good people, and follow rules and not hurt others. Because, if they don't follow rules, others might get hurt, and so might the child themselves....so if you don't want to get hurt, feelings or otherwise, follow the house rules, which include not hitting with toys or hands - then there will be no consequences.

Sometimes as moms we feel crappy about the ways our kids percieve us, we just have to be strong enough to decide if WE are the problem, or if hte child percieved our actions wrong, and then be able to explain what is really going on either way.

Issues are issues, don't judge them. The important thing is that you are taking ownership of them. I'm not in a position to dispense practical advice , but what has worked for my issues -- we all have them, so don't deny it, mamas! -- has been to speak with moms who have had parenting experiences similar to mine. It's easier for me to take advice from someone who's already walked in my shoes:^)

PS: Not to be all like, "Free to Be...You and Me" about it, but creative play is creative play. You don't know how this will pan out in his future. Playing with a baby doll now will probably make him a really awesome dad someday.

I had to giggle reading this. With the title about being a horrible mom I thought the question was going to be on neglect, accidently harming a child or losing it with kids. I love how your son has wonderful communication with you. Yes, they do pick up on everything and what comes to their mind is so off the wall at times, you can't help but giggle. My granddaughter carries on conversations like an adult but with that innocence of a child. In those conversations we notice that what we didn't think she was paying attention to, she had soaked into her little mind, waiting to use this new knowledge at just the right time. You are a good mom, you can tell because your son came to you and tried to take away your worries about something he sees as a big deal to you. Sweet little boy there :-)

A good exercise to try with him is for both of you to sit on the floor together. You create a circle around you and a circle around him (you can use chalk or string or yarn or anything creative to create a boundary around you and one around him). Then you get a piece of paper that represents your beliefs about girl toys and one that represents his belief in girl toys. You set his piece of paper in his space and yours in your space. Then you take your piece of paper and put it in his space and ask him how that feels. Then you ask him what he wants to do about your piece of paper being in his space. If he doesn't automatically give it back to you, you apologize for putting it in his space and give him permission to put it outside of his space. This teaches both of you to be respectful of each others space and how to release other peoples expectations out of your own space.

It might be helpful to sit down with pen and paper and write out all your concerns, fears, and expectations. So often we are unaware of what our issues really are and they end up showing up sideways. Awareness is the biggest step to resolving painful issues. As you allow yourself to freely write out all your fears you will begin to get a picture of the belief systems that are ruling your reactions. As you become more aware you can get curious and question those belief systems. As you begin to inquire about your belief systems you will be able to see more clearly and to make choices about your responses to your son rather than running on unconcious reactions.

As you have experienced, our children are experts at reading what is really going on with us. It is time for you to see for yourself what is really going on deep within you as clearly as your son is. What are all the prejudices, fears, programming, and irrational beliefs that are showing up that you aren't completely aware of?

Also, be careful about how you state things to your son. Saying that you are okay with him playing with girl toys is a lie and he knows it. Far better to be honest and own that you have an issue with it and that you are working on it and that even though you have an issue doesn't mean it is wrong for him. You simply clarify that you love him no matter what he chooses and that you are doing everything you can to deal with your own feelings and thoughts and to not make him responsible for them. He gets to feel the way he feels and you get to feel the way you feel. The important thing is to take full responsibility and to apologize when your issues spill over into his space.

Is your child happy? Is he confident? Is he affectionate with you? I'm sure the answer is yes, and that means that you must be a terrific mom.

There are times when we all screw up. Sometimes I don't handle things properly with one of my sons, but I realize it, and I try to do better. He's still a great kid, my mistakes to the contrary.

You're doing fine, and you are normal like the rest of us.

The more you just love your child and teach him to play with boys too and the better he will be. It's in the thinking that problems start and if you make him think there is something 'wrong' with himself you have caused him to think he's not normal. Love him and let him know that and he most likely will grow up to be a strong man in the world. If not he may not. When we cry and do things that affect our child's emotions it doesn't help them at all as they want to please us and sometimes don't understand why or what does please us, and may resent it later.